Halloween Hateteen

Fox News Horror Movie Lineup

9pm    Caravan!

12am   Another Caravan!

2am     Night of the High Voter Turnout

3am     Honey, We Lost The House

5am     Special Prosecutor

Telemundo’s Noche De Muertos 

7pm    Trump

9pm    Trump

12am   Trump

2am     Donald

4am     Trump

Turner Classic Movie Channel’s Transgender Terror-a-thon

8pm     Don’t Go To The Bathroom

10pm   The Thing With Two Genders

12am    The Man From The Planet XX

2am      My Name is Betty

WE TV (formerly Women’s Entertainment) Scream Schedule

8pm      A Date With Kavanaugh

10pm    Get Out of my Womb!

12am     Previous Conditions

MSNBC

8pm     Voter Fraud Fiend

10pm    The Supreme Court Justice Who Wouldn’t Die

12am     Right Wing Radio

2am       Reproduction Wrongs

Christian Television Network Devil’s Night

4pm      You Can’t Have My Cake!

7pm      Shadow Of The Fetus

9pm      Gasoline Tax

11pm    Andy Griffith Might Have Been Gay

Don Arrup

Satire1

Heaven Can't Wait 4- The Golden Castle

(John McCain climbs to the summit of Mount Olympus and crawls to the entrance of a huge gold building.)

McCain

I was expecting gates. Pearly ones. I can’t quite make out the sign-

(Enter Donald)

Donald

Trump Afterlife. My latest and favorite creation. Isn’t it magnificent?

McCain

They let you build up here?

Donald

Let? Are you kidding me? They begged me to build up here. The whole of heaven cries out for development. The only trouble is the people with the funds never seem to make it up this far.

McCain

I’m surprised to see you up here.

Donald 

Why? Because I’m not dead?

McCain

It is easier for a camel to slip through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Donald

Yeah, Jesus said that before heaven became a democracy and capitalism conquered the universe. And guess what? Jesus isn’t here!

McCain

I can believe that. 

Donald

Nobody likes to talk about it but I’m sure he had his reasons. Probably got bored. They didn’t even have a golf course up here until I took over. But it’s murder trying to grow grass on clouds. 

McCain

Are you making money on this one?

Donald

Not really. I can charge anything I like but dead people don’t have any money.

McCain

You can’t take it with you.

Donald

So this development is more of a prestige thing. Even without Jesus.

McCain

Even Heaven is a tax haven. Probably best. It might not go over too well with your Southern and Midwestern voters if you were Jesus’ landlord.

Donald

He’s a nice guy but his followers won’t let him alone. Poor guy can’t even get his birthday off. No wonder he moved back in with his mother. 

McCain

That and housing prices. 

Donald

At least he doesn’t have any student loan or credit card debt.

McCain

Yeah, what we crucify millennials with back home. At least the banks can’t reach them here.

Donald

The banks have been foreclosing on debtors up here for years. 

McCain

I knew that. And then I wanted to forget it and I did.

Donald

Great men are great forgetters.

McCain

My wives say all men are great forgetters.

Donald

I have wives too.

McCain

Do you listen to them?

Donald

Have you ever listened to me?

McCain

Nobody listens unless they like what they hear.

Donald

So that’s what I tell them.

McCain

The things people will do to be listened to. 

Donald

I’m a deal maker. A salesman. Reality has no value in realty or in politics. If that is what you really believe then I’ll agree and run with it. 

McCain

Is this what the American people deserve?

Donald

Your problem John was that you were trying to educate the people on the issues. The American people don’t like that. They want somebody who sounds as pissed as they are and tells them it’s not their fault.

McCain

And then you tell them whose fault it is.

Donald

It’s the period at the end of the sentence. 

McCain

Does it matter to you who you accuse?

Donald

Of course not. Everybody’s guilty. We’re all hypocrites and liars. How can you possibly be in a relationship with anyone and not be a liar. It’s impossible. It’s impossible because we are all impossible. Impossible! Even I’m impossible.

McCain

Everything about you is impossible.

Donald

And yet here I am.

McCain

Why develop heaven if there’s never going to be a profit in it?

Donald

It’s the ultimate retirement community. No discrimination, no contracts, no segregation, no need for security, low maintenance, no taxes.

McCain

And every other property with your name-

Donald

Will be just a step away from heaven.

McCain

This isn’t what I’m looking for.

Donald

You don’t find what you want. It’s not out there. Even in this great, big, beautiful world. You know, the scientists don’t want to talk about it but in less than a generation the world could grow to be bigger than New York City.

McCain

Never happen.

Trump

You have to make what you want. Stop looking. Make the afterlife you want just like you made the life you wanted.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Fabrication Bureau of Investigation

There are still three days left in the Federal Bureau of Incrimination’s one week whack job on Supreme Court Justice nominee Kevin Kavanaw but some of the statements by people who knew Judge Kavity or guys just like him are proving problematic for the Republicans.

Satire1 compares Jug Kansasback’s statements under oath at the Senate Hearing with those provided by citizens who also attended high school, college or parties in the 1980’s in our never ending search for the truth.

Judge K

“I like beer.”

FALSE

The glass of clear liquid to the nominee’s right on the table during the hearing was either 100 proof vodka or 86 proof gin. JK infamously has not hydrated himself with water since high school because “fish have relations in it.”

Judge K

“I was a virgin in high school and college and didn’t lose my virginity to my wife until after our second child was born.”

PENDING

Family physicians and even his urologist can not definitively determine virginity in former high school football players since coitus and tackling so closely approximate each other.

JK

“I kept a calendar that I used to track team practices, charity work and circle jerks. I got the idea from my father who kept a hybrid calendar/dairy of his  business meetings and marital consummation schedule.”

TRUE BUT INCOMPLETE

JK’s closest high school buddies said that while the school’s athletic teams and their church’s boy scout troop used circle jerks for bonding and insomnia relief JK would at a minimum have had to keep a date book with fifteen minute increments to keep track of his masturbation habit.

JK

“The Devil’s Triangle reference in my yearbook is a drinking game. The rules are the exact same as Menage A Trois except you drink beer instead of wine.”

REALLY?

What do you drink in Threesome? Mare’s Milk?

JK

“My yearbook reference to my membership in the Boinked Betty Boszer Brotherhood refers to my circle of guys who shared a pen pal in Guatemala in our junior year. Apparently, boink is a Central American phrase that means praise. We were all very fond of her until she, her whole family and her entire circle of friends were entombed in molten lava from a volcano that drank beer.”

SUSPECT

I could use that kind of praise. 

JK

“I don’t recall ever blacking out and have no recollection of ever passing out until I attended Yale where the year 1984 never seemed to have taken place.”

CORRECT 

Since consciousness is by definition lost when one black’s out and often accompanies passing out as well recollection is not available. Historians guess that since there are absolutely no records of the year 1984 anywhere that Big Brother must have been successful in his memory erasure campaign.

JK

“My best friend in high school’s last name is Judge and it is all a part of the deep state conspiracy to establish and maintain an all Catholic/Jewish court as a prelude to a fascist theocratic takeover of the government to be jointly run by Israel and the Vatican.”

TRUE BUT INCOMPLETE

The federal government of the United States has been a fascist theocratic state run jointly by Israel and the Vatican through the country’s premier Protestant divinity schools which we refer to as the Ivy League. All members of the Supreme Court are either practicing Catholics or Jews and all received their indoctrination at Ivy League law schools. 

Don Arrup

Satire1