There are still three days left in the Federal Bureau of Incrimination’s one week whack job on Supreme Court Justice nominee Kevin Kavanaw but some of the statements by people who knew Judge Kavity or guys just like him are proving problematic for the Republicans.
Satire1 compares Jug Kansasback’s statements under oath at the Senate Hearing with those provided by citizens who also attended high school, college or parties in the 1980’s in our never ending search for the truth.
Judge K
“I like beer.”
FALSE
The glass of clear liquid to the nominee’s right on the table during the hearing was either 100 proof vodka or 86 proof gin. JK infamously has not hydrated himself with water since high school because “fish have relations in it.”
Judge K
“I was a virgin in high school and college and didn’t lose my virginity to my wife until after our second child was born.”
PENDING
Family physicians and even his urologist can not definitively determine virginity in former high school football players since coitus and tackling so closely approximate each other.
JK
“I kept a calendar that I used to track team practices, charity work and circle jerks. I got the idea from my father who kept a hybrid calendar/dairy of his business meetings and marital consummation schedule.”
TRUE BUT INCOMPLETE
JK’s closest high school buddies said that while the school’s athletic teams and their church’s boy scout troop used circle jerks for bonding and insomnia relief JK would at a minimum have had to keep a date book with fifteen minute increments to keep track of his masturbation habit.
JK
“The Devil’s Triangle reference in my yearbook is a drinking game. The rules are the exact same as Menage A Trois except you drink beer instead of wine.”
REALLY?
What do you drink in Threesome? Mare’s Milk?
JK
“My yearbook reference to my membership in the Boinked Betty Boszer Brotherhood refers to my circle of guys who shared a pen pal in Guatemala in our junior year. Apparently, boink is a Central American phrase that means praise. We were all very fond of her until she, her whole family and her entire circle of friends were entombed in molten lava from a volcano that drank beer.”
SUSPECT
I could use that kind of praise.
JK
“I don’t recall ever blacking out and have no recollection of ever passing out until I attended Yale where the year 1984 never seemed to have taken place.”
CORRECT
Since consciousness is by definition lost when one black’s out and often accompanies passing out as well recollection is not available. Historians guess that since there are absolutely no records of the year 1984 anywhere that Big Brother must have been successful in his memory erasure campaign.
JK
“My best friend in high school’s last name is Judge and it is all a part of the deep state conspiracy to establish and maintain an all Catholic/Jewish court as a prelude to a fascist theocratic takeover of the government to be jointly run by Israel and the Vatican.”
TRUE BUT INCOMPLETE
The federal government of the United States has been a fascist theocratic state run jointly by Israel and the Vatican through the country’s premier Protestant divinity schools which we refer to as the Ivy League. All members of the Supreme Court are either practicing Catholics or Jews and all received their indoctrination at Ivy League law schools.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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