(John McCain climbs to the summit of Mount Olympus and crawls to the entrance of a huge gold building.)
McCain
I was expecting gates. Pearly ones. I can’t quite make out the sign-
(Enter Donald)
Donald
Trump Afterlife. My latest and favorite creation. Isn’t it magnificent?
McCain
They let you build up here?
Donald
Let? Are you kidding me? They begged me to build up here. The whole of heaven cries out for development. The only trouble is the people with the funds never seem to make it up this far.
McCain
I’m surprised to see you up here.
Donald
Why? Because I’m not dead?
McCain
It is easier for a camel to slip through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.
Donald
Yeah, Jesus said that before heaven became a democracy and capitalism conquered the universe. And guess what? Jesus isn’t here!
McCain
I can believe that.
Donald
Nobody likes to talk about it but I’m sure he had his reasons. Probably got bored. They didn’t even have a golf course up here until I took over. But it’s murder trying to grow grass on clouds.
McCain
Are you making money on this one?
Donald
Not really. I can charge anything I like but dead people don’t have any money.
McCain
You can’t take it with you.
Donald
So this development is more of a prestige thing. Even without Jesus.
McCain
Even Heaven is a tax haven. Probably best. It might not go over too well with your Southern and Midwestern voters if you were Jesus’ landlord.
Donald
He’s a nice guy but his followers won’t let him alone. Poor guy can’t even get his birthday off. No wonder he moved back in with his mother.
McCain
That and housing prices.
Donald
At least he doesn’t have any student loan or credit card debt.
McCain
Yeah, what we crucify millennials with back home. At least the banks can’t reach them here.
Donald
The banks have been foreclosing on debtors up here for years.
McCain
I knew that. And then I wanted to forget it and I did.
Donald
Great men are great forgetters.
McCain
My wives say all men are great forgetters.
Donald
I have wives too.
McCain
Do you listen to them?
Donald
Have you ever listened to me?
McCain
Nobody listens unless they like what they hear.
Donald
So that’s what I tell them.
McCain
The things people will do to be listened to.
Donald
I’m a deal maker. A salesman. Reality has no value in realty or in politics. If that is what you really believe then I’ll agree and run with it.
McCain
Is this what the American people deserve?
Donald
Your problem John was that you were trying to educate the people on the issues. The American people don’t like that. They want somebody who sounds as pissed as they are and tells them it’s not their fault.
McCain
And then you tell them whose fault it is.
Donald
It’s the period at the end of the sentence.
McCain
Does it matter to you who you accuse?
Donald
Of course not. Everybody’s guilty. We’re all hypocrites and liars. How can you possibly be in a relationship with anyone and not be a liar. It’s impossible. It’s impossible because we are all impossible. Impossible! Even I’m impossible.
McCain
Everything about you is impossible.
Donald
And yet here I am.
McCain
Why develop heaven if there’s never going to be a profit in it?
Donald
It’s the ultimate retirement community. No discrimination, no contracts, no segregation, no need for security, low maintenance, no taxes.
McCain
And every other property with your name-
Donald
Will be just a step away from heaven.
McCain
This isn’t what I’m looking for.
Donald
You don’t find what you want. It’s not out there. Even in this great, big, beautiful world. You know, the scientists don’t want to talk about it but in less than a generation the world could grow to be bigger than New York City.
McCain
Never happen.
Trump
You have to make what you want. Stop looking. Make the afterlife you want just like you made the life you wanted.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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