Ayatollah Condemns Violence In Minnesota's Senate Election

As the boarders close between Minneapolis and St. Paul and the Minnesota National Guard is called out by Gov. Tim Pawlenty to disarm the State Police, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Supreme Leader of Iran, called on the international fantasy community to condemn the violence in the Gopher State. At the heart of the civil war are the disputed election returns from last November’s U.S. Senate race between incumbent Neanderthal Norm Coleman and challenger Hippie Al Franken.

“The city of St. Paul is appalled by the Governor’s suppression of the demonstrations calling for the seating of Al Franken to give the Democrats the filibuster busting 60th seat,” said Mayor Mary Richards.

“The election results are a farce,” said Mayor Ted Baxter of Minneapolis, “in a state with 4 million voters how could anyone win by as many as 300 votes in a recount that only took seven months?”

Violence escalated when Minneapolis’ most famous resident Minerva (Minnie) Mouse was shot down in the streets while protesting the protests. A camera crew from WJM-TV’s Six O’clock News was on hand to ask Ms. Mouse whom she had voted for. With her dying breath she confessed she could not remember the election having been so long ago. “Since breaking up with Mickey I’ve learned to live in the here and now.”

President Obama threatened grave repercussions if the Iranian meddling continues. “Though I along with former President Reagan owe our elections to the Iranian leadership, the people of Minnesota will decide for themselves who will be Mickey Mouse’s next girlfriend.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Bush Wins Recount in Iranian Election

In a surprising development in the Iranian Presidential elections, George Walker Bush is declared the winner in a recount conducted by the Revolutionary Death to All Jews and Americans Council, a non-partisan group. The Supreme Court in Tehran and the Ayatollah Big Meanie publicly sanctioned the results and pledge full cooperation. Former United States President Bush responded to his victory on his ranch in Texas.

“The people of Iran have spoken and what they want is change. As the Iranian Supreme Leader I will ratchet up the nuclear program and prepare the country to meet its greatest threat: the aggression of the United States Military in its backyard. I will demand from the legislature unlimited powers to take back the Straits of Vermouth immediately and double funding to Hamas and Hezbollah in order to kick start a middle east peace process.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Senate Says War With Iran Is Better Stimulus

A growing number of Senators are expressing doubts that anything short of a major war will save the economy. “This is the worst economic recession since 9/11 and the Great Depression.” Said Sen. X. “And both of those economic disruptions were only resolved by war. Afghanistan was too legal and hopeless. Nobody governs that place or ever will. Iraq was almost the perfect size and we weren’t going to use him again after Kuwait. Now Iran is the money. They attacked and occupied United States soil in 1978 by taking the embassy. Then they stuck their hand up the ass of Hezbollah to murder 246 Marines in Lebanon. They armed the radical Shiite clerics. Half the population of Baghdad is their spies and they’re twice the size of Iraq which let’s face it is past its prime as a military adventure. Where we mess up is hanging around. I’m not talking about occupying Iran. I don’t know any Senator who is. I’m talking about a quick roll through- three to six months tops- and if we don’t take too many casualties we go straight through to North Korea. It’s going to be tough on our boys defending South Korea but it’s about time they earned their pay. We won’t stay there either. South Korea can take care of that mess. Israel can have Iran. I’m sure that there's some passage in the Bible that gives it to them. After we stimulate the economy I see no reason for unnecessary violence on our part. Bring the boys and girls home and maybe we can find some nurses.”

“The Iranians attacked Greece, a NATO ally, without provocation just twenty-five hundred years ago and we did nothing,” said Sen. Y. “We’ve allowed ourselves to be distracted by the Franks, Germanic tribes, Redcoats and Reds for too long. Persia was always the enemy. These mullahs are just Xerces with a prayer rug.”

“Our automobile industry is suffering because Washington hasn’t provided it with a big enough war,” Y continued. “Detroit does fine with half the world on fire. You can’t ask American car companies to compete with the former Axis powers in selling cars to the public. Everyone wants a car from the guys who killed their uncle. Look, we would be doing the Iranians a favor in the long run. Their economy is a mess too. They need this war more than us. And in a decade or two they can outsell our cars here too.”

“I don’t like cats,” said Senator Z. “They all come from Iran and Vietnam. We took on half the cat problem in the sixties and lost because we didn’t do anything about Iran. Now we’re still stuck with cats and those beards are just laughing and scratching at us. I say war and if it gives three squares and some new boots to Americans who would otherwise be unemployed then all the better.”

Go stimulus!

Don Arrup
Satire1