2 B or Tuber

 

At the end of February of this limbo, while the country was consumed by vaccine conspiracies, Jewish space lasers and a delayed opening day for major league baseball, toy giant Hasbro took the opportunity to castrate one of America’s most beloved playthings.

The former Mister Potato Head was divorced from both his gender and his spouse as Hasbro decided that rather than continuing selling the mantato and his wife to the public they would ensnare the next generation with a “Potato Family Pack” which consists of two big and one baby sized bods with 42 accessories to be plugged into their accommodating orifices.

After sales dropped eight percent last year, the bros at Has decided that the militantly politically correct toddlers were no longer interested in the narrowly gender defined tuber and took divisive actions to appease their protests. 

Originally introduced to the market in 1952 as a single spud, Mr. Pothead was the first toy to be advertised on television. The original toy did not include a plastic potato body but only the sense organs, facial hair, glasses, shoes and hats not usually offered by super and farmers markets and other purveyors of the vegetable. 

The success of the brand eventually afforded Mr. P Head to marry Mrs. Potato Head which caused some consternation among parents unable to secure spuds of opposite sex. The marriage manufacturally led to Baby Potato Head forcing the Has Bros to provide plastic “potato” bodies.

Conservatives and Evangelical Gas Station Attendants claim Hasbro is inviting two year olds to play god with both America’s favorite starch and the nuclear family model. Mr. and Mrs. PH’s inclusion in the Toy Story film franchise critics claim is proof of their civic sainthood and that this change constitutes a cultural cancellation and theft of childhood memories from millions of Baby Boomers.

A growing chorus of former Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head recipients, now parents, are calling for a boycott of the company they refer to as Had Bro. 

Satire1 in our endless quest to provide the public with the answers they want questioned went to Pawtucket, Rhode Island the home of Hasbro and the Potato Heads to find out just how they are faring with the change.

Satire1

“Mr. and Mrs. Potato-

Potato Heads

Please Sorry we don’t go by we have different designations now

S1

Former Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.

Former Mrs.

No one looks at this from the potato’s perspective.

Former Mr.

How were we ever supposed to live up to gender designations with absolutely no genitals-

Former Mrs.

-Or breasts-

Former Mr.

Just take a look at this new “family pack”. You see eyes, different noses, hats, ears, shoes with no legs in sight. A potato sitting on a pair of shoes? Where is the action supposed to take place? So Hasbro gave us two more hats. Really, that’s supposed to fix the problem?

Former Mrs.

Mrs. always have it so much harder. I was supposed to be the mother to that little plastic ball and they don’t even have a slit down there for me. You can stick anything anywhere in me except where it counts.

Former Mr.

I didn’t exactly excite parents at first. Especially dads. What? A bunch of plastic shit to stick into my dinner? I like my potatoes baked and topped with butter. Cut into fries or Westerns. Hash browns home fries Sheppard pies. I don’t want a hat on my potatoes. Potatoes already have enough eyes. What, my kid’s supposed to make a pet out of my vegetable? Is this what America has come to?

Mrs.

You had the whole spotlight to yourself. You were the big spud.

Mr.

I was the dud spud. I didn’t even have a body. You remember just being in pieces. Parts. Eyes to see. Ears to hear. Hands on short tubes. Shoes. 

Mrs.

And hats.

Mr. 

And hats. You’re going to call me Mr. then give me something somewhere to Mister me out.

Mrs.

I should be Mrs. Pear Head. At least I’d look like a mother. I look exactly like him except for some eye makeup and lipstick.

Satire1

Well, Barbie and G.I. Joe seem to be happy with their careers and they have never had genitals. 

Mrs.

If I had tits anything like that whore I’d rule the toy box.

Mr.

Half a french fry. Maybe with two tater tots underneath. Something.

Mrs.

People think because we star in popular movies we have all this power. 

Mr.

You’d think we have a dressing room. Nope, scene wrapped and we’re broken down and back in the box.

Mrs.

You know what kids learn playing with us?

Satire1

Now? Diversity and inclusion.

Mr.

No, they learn that being a potato sucks.

Don Arrup

Satire1

My Vac My Tribe

A leaked FBI report identifies the new wildfire of misinformation crossing the dark web and social medias concerning the effects of the different Covid 19 vaccines on the characters of the inoculated. Analysts for Homeland Security fear a new division of the citizenry that will replace race, class, religion, generation and political orientation into the camps of which vaccine an individual took.

People who took the Moderna vaccine now identify as Mods. Those who had Pfizer call themselves Pfizzies, Johnson and Johnson are Jojos while the unvaccinated go by Zombies.

And they don’t like each other.

President Biden’s Vaccination Czar, Dr. Ouchie, says that even the best handled pandemics create conflict and chaos by the time they approach containment. “We don’t expect it to be worse than the Civil War and not quite that long if everyone wears visored helmets and kills each other at a distance of at least six feet.” 

“The important thing is that we make sure all battles are fought outside for the safety of the soldiers,” said Dr. Ouchie. “And no D-Days or Picket’s Charge which are now considered militarily inefficient and known to be super spreaders.”

The federal government is trying desperately to negotiate peace between the conflicting vaccine factions as they are forming but so far none are willing to trust the Zombies. Only the Russian Sputnik V’s (Putins) are willing to talk to them.

The failure of both the Oxford/AstraZeneca (Asszoles) and China’s Sinopharm (Chi-umps) vaccines has left potentially huge power vacuums in Europe and Asia which either the virus or consolidated vactoids could exploit. 

In order to inspire some reasonable dialogue between the camps, Satire1 took to the corner of Deep Hole and Hornblower in the heart of Minnehaha County, South Dakota to extract some reactions from the locals.

Spurs

“Anytime I heard the term ‘half assed’ I always thought of some cow hand only wiping half his south end. Now I know it means one of those darn JoJos passing themselves off as vaccinated after only one shot.”

Sadlecrack 

“He wasn’t a Mod when I married him forty two years ago. Who the hell have I been sleeping with?”

Real Old Timer

“This Pfizzie so claimed grandson I can’t recall says he’s good with Pfizer Bio Heck? When I was in school Pfizer worked for the Kaiser.”

Bison Butt

“Anybody who has seen as much as a Star Trek episode knows vaccines make you sterile. That’s why I only subscribe to Zombie dating sites like Don’t Stick Me.”

Dolly

I doubt anybody saw this coming. It’s breaking up marriages- even the four that work. Even Biden and Harris aren’t talking.”

Pappy

“I hope they open up the saloons and whore houses before they open the churches. I have nothing against praying and singing but goddamn.”

Don Arrup

Satire1   

Congress Fails To Pass Spring

Another Covid wave, children from the forgotten Americas amassed on our doorstep, Asian lives matter too, Xi Je Ping in bed with Putin and the stock of suburban homes with swimming pools depleted Congress can’t agree on what day of the week it is let alone what month of the year.

“We just passed the most bipartisan piece of legislation in years,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Twelve genuine red as blood state Republican Representatives voted along with my minions to declare last Saturday, March 20th the Vernal Equinox and first day of spring.”

“Now the sun can come out. Daffodils bloom. Cherry trees blossom. And we can take our spring break to refresh our rhetoric, hold fundraisers, keep the rage up against our opponents, hold more fundraisers and get back here to get as much nothing done as we have in the past twenty years. All we need is for the Senate to sign off on it.”

The United States Senate, the world’s foremost deliberative body, couldn’t pass gas on a diet of broccoli and beans so Satire1 spoke to legislators and their staff on the possibility that the nation will actually experience the warmer seasons this year. 

Senator Eyebrows

“The people don’t want spring. They’re tired of change. Same old merry go round of seasons. It’s all just to sell us more clothes than we need. We can’t legislate ten pounds off your thighs. Grow up or vote for somebody who gives a damn.”

Pencil Mustache 

“It’s always winter somewhere. Who does Pelosi and Schumer think they’re fooling? We had March last year. What did it get us? Covid. So we said okay. We gave March thirty one days and declared April Fools. What did that get us? More Covid. Don’t talk to me about Autumn. It’s only Autumn if your party wins. Otherwise it’s the Fall.”

Wrong Shoes

“I’m with Nancy all the way on this one. We had winter: holidays, snowfalls, the Super Bore, overpriced limp roses and way too much TV. We’ve got to spring out of this funk. It’s too deep to crawl out of. Forget spring. Declare this season Catapult.”

Not That Hat!

“It’s gotten to the point where the Dems are just bullying us with scientists. Doctors, ecologists, geologists, epidemiologists and now astronomers? Reagan and his Nancy would only listen to an astrologist and the country thrived.”

Flat Top

“Mother Nature has been exhausted by the virus and climate massacre. She can’t pull spring off this year. She needs a stimulus. Congress must act or Mother Nature will just take her course.”

Ham Hands

“The donkeys actually think this is spring? Give me a break. They’re just trying to make voters feel guilty for not cleaning out the foxholes we all live in now.”

Over Half of the Interviewed Legislators from both Parties

“I just listen to my constituents. Whatever they say is the truth.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Friday Eve

 

Having just gotten the schedule for the March Zoom rehearsals for a project with the Drama League I couldn’t help but notice that it identifies the days by their numerical standing in the month with no mention of their position in the week.

The fourth, eleventh, eighteenth and twenty-fifth of the lamb eating the lion month are what used to be called “Thurs” days. Of course, no one who has progressed past believing in Santa Claus, equal opportunity and the Easter Bunny still believes in Thursdays. The twenty four hour period between Hump and Thank God (even if you are an atheist) had been a lingering conceit of traditionalists and people who think that novels and films reflect reality anymore than reality TV does. 

You don’t have to make your way in this world for long or even be a student for more than a grade or two to know that Mondays can be very blue. And Tuesdays are just too- I would even say way too- but what are you going to do? Saturdays belong to your god and Sundays to mine? 

So is it a camel or dromedary after that too too Tuesday? Or in less zoological terms are there one hump or two mid week? (In contradiction to the Camel cigarette pack it is dromedaries who are singularly humped) 

Mad Dame Phylis Morris, one of the country’s leading dayologists, pointed out that despite an almost universal understanding throughout history that Thursdays are bullshit it like every other insane conspiracy theory has its defenders. 

“I don’t care if some great power human or divine made weeks a hundred days long there still wouldn’t be a place for Thursdays. Go through your week. Collect evidence of every time you open your eyes. You’re not going to come up with even a shadow of a Thursday. The evidence just isn’t there and never was.”

Both political parties in the United States retreat immediately from any mention of a gap between Hump and Friday. “Getting over the hump gets you over the Thursday delusion or so it is wished,” said He Who

Died a Wednesday. “Since both parties have now devolved to the point of contradicting each other over everything from the Sun rising in the east and setting in the pockets of the one per cent both fear entanglements in meaningless arguments  that will take up what little time they have for the meaningless arguments they suspect get them elected.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Vaccine Not Mean

Cellphone hellphone buzz beep beep

Word from JoJo’s Pharmacy

Cancelation 

Come now and reap

Doors close in minutes 12

Run like hell

And your arm

We’ll swell

With immunity

Coat grab quick cab

Pinched between

The teeth of the key

Health care card

Ballpoint papers pen

Coat off hoodie gone

Roll up sleeve

That’s not where we shoot

We’re neighborhood friends

Drop pants

Bend over dance

Nurse spanks till

Buttocks bloom

Horse needle long

As a lost love song

Plunger pushed

Vaccine whoosh

Today I feel like shit

And loving it

Hope you get yours

Soon

Don Arrup

Satire1

V After O Before E

The vagina wagon barreled by

Recently departed from Nookie Town

Pants down

Don’t frown

Everybody’s a pirate

A pirate with a beer

Or is it a beard?

I don’t know

Or remember

If it happened 

Or was dreamed

In a time the calendar

    lost

The cardinal stared straight on at me

Authoritative under its scarlet crest

Enthroned on the branch perched

King of the red birds around here

Excepting perhaps the Red Tailed Hawk

Who really isn’t very red

But who argues with hawks?

What is the voodoo with chocolate?

Coco a go go and sugar

That shit has its own butter

How do you fuck with that?

They say it’s like eating love

Releases vagina beans 

Into the bloodstream

Easy to get wet

I got cards when I was a kid

Be Mine on a sugar cube with ears

Pink goddamn thing

We didn’t do balloons

Balloons were for dances

New Year’s mostly

And birthdays

Pink goddamn thing

Don Arrup

Satire1

Stupidity Deserves A Seat

 

Last Thursday the full House of Reprehensibles vote to unseat Marjorie Taylor Greene (R Outer Space) from the House Committees on Education and Labor shows just how arrogant and out of touch many members from both parties have become. Since it is miscalled the house “representatives” shouldn’t the legislative body actually represent the wide range of the American people?

Satire1 has gone to the Capitol to interview United States Congresspeople from all parties, regions, races, religions and genders and has guaranteed them anonymity in hope to perhaps get something in the way of their honest views.

Representative Big Ears

“There are definitely too many educated people in the federal government and especially Congress. I attended a state university and am ashamed to say I graduated with horrors. I represent almost exclusively farmers and laborers who were too busy feeding this nation and the world while I spent four years high on the opium of knowledge.”

Rep. High Heels

“This country became the greatest in the world with Founding Fathers whose feet never touched the ground, never told a lie, was filled with happy darkies who were fine with being owned, Injuns that had Thanksgiving with us and then tried to steal our land and millionaires who were ready to share their luck with everyone who bought into the American dream.”

“Then the historians start writing and now everybody’s at each other’s throats.”

Rep. Zoot Suit

“People don’t work hard all their lives just to be oppressed by facts. What are the facts anyway? We’re not the center of God’s universe? We’re just another rock running around a bigger smoldering cinder? We’re not God’s country just a mongrel world mall that was out of reach of Europe while they slaughtered each other and China was still crawling?”

Rep. Big Ass

“My family’s business has been as the biggest sausage maker in our state for over eighty years. Like anyone who makes sausage can tell you- you don’t want to know the truth.”

Rep. Hairdo

“I’ve got constituents in my Town Hall meetings for sometimes over four hours. If I go with the real history which never changes and always turns out the same I’m going to lose the crowd in the first hour. I mean, maybe if I could sing or dance on a professional level I could afford to be honest.”

Rep. String Bean

“You want my honest opinion? What paper do you write for? I don’t know what my honest opinion is until I know who my audience is.”

Rep. Beer Belly

“You want my honest opinion? I can tell you in all honesty that I have no idea what I think. Let me ask my chief of staff or my wife.”

 Rep. Flip Flop

“I don’t think MTG doubted that there was a whole bunch of school shootings. She’s just asking what’s the big deal. I’m sure she learned the three R’s in her school in Georgia just like I did in mine in Detroit. Reading, Writing and Revolvers.”

Rep. Skin Tag

“I think Congresswoman Greene is the victim of a lesbian Muslim school nurse. They’re everywhere and their husbands drive taxis.”

Rep. Popeye

“I tinks weze shoulds letz hah stays on da Labah Commitszee. Shez ah muddah and been.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

With a Wave of the Hand

Both the lying and hallucinating press have narrowed their focus on just a handful of the boatload of executive orders signed by (Not?) President Biden so Satire1, once again, is here to fill in the gap on the more esoteric not laws that will rule our lives.

E.O. 13

Products of the Sun will be subject to tariffs until said star conforms with Daylight Savings Time

(Product destined for the state of Arizona is exempt)

EO 103

Revives Obama’s Fair Weather EO establishing a more equitable distribution of rain and sunshine across the continental United States.

(Also funds Obama’s defunded National Weather Making Service.)

EO 122

Illicit Sex Tax

(Infidelity and copulation on first and second dates will be taxed as income by the IRS. Penalties for one night stands.)

EO 123

Licit Sex Tax

(Socially acceptable sexual relationships will be taxed as assets which the IRS has already dubbed the ass tax.)

EO 169

A post Covid holiday on the fifth Thursday of August, Hug the Undocumented Day.

(All federal employees and military personnel have to give it upon request to anyone claiming to be a legal or illegal immigrant or descendent of such.)

EO 199

Pandemic Halloween Rain checks

(Last Day of April will be Halloween makeup night. Costumed children can legally threaten vandalism if not bribed with either alcohol, tobacco or lottery tickets.)

Don Arrup

Satire1

Coo Coo Coup

What was all the fuss about Wednesday in Washington? Fake news? You mean there’s real news? Voter fraud? At the rate that American citizens vote that would be blessing much to be encouraged. Socialists stealing our country? Not from us. The richest rich own almost all of it leaving us just the debt and pollution.

To clear up the confusion, Satire1 ventured into the crowd at and in the nation’s Capitol to find out what was on the protestors or rioters or revolutionaries or hell raisers minds. Below, a small sampling of their griefs. 

“Thank god there are still enough patriots around to save us from the Constitution.”

“Our cause is pure. We don’t have any evidence of voter fraud because evidence is never pure. Only bullshit can be pure.”

“Biden’s not even white! He’s Catholic!”

“Vice President Pence should be impeached. Where does he get off carrying out his duty? Did he forget he was a politician?”

“I got to Nancy Pelosi’s office but she wasn’t there. I wanted to sit on her lap. I missed Santa Claus last month because of the hoax virus.”

“They’re going to take away my Medicare and Social Security and replace it with Socialism!”

“Biden’s not a Christian. He’s an Irish!”

“They want to take down all our statues of Popeye the Sailor Man.”

“I grew up in the freest and richest country the world had ever seen. You used to be able to park your home anywhere.”

“Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln never ran for office. They wrestled their opponents for it.”

“What is with these Capitol Police? It’s broad daylight. We’re not wearing masks. So what if we smashed some windows and doors? Can’t they see we’re white people?”

Don Arrup

Satire1