Trump Finally Let Autumn Fall

 

Even before he ever thought of running for the presidency, Donald Trump was no fan of winter. While attending New York Academy he was known to complain bitterly that none of the nation’s Ivy League colleges were in the more temperate regions of the United States. 

In his college admissions essay to U Penn’s Wharton Business School he accused Canadian Communist clothing manufacturers of imposing the change of seasons on the entire hemisphere in order to extort the sun loving free people south of their border into buying down and woolens.

(Un)real estate and entertainment success afforded Donald the opportunity to live in Florida when he wasn’t busy firing people on national television and gracing the front pages of the New York tabloids. To those who have long known Donald, it was assumed that his war with winter had ended in a draw- until he became the lame duck president. 

Since that Saturday the Democrats danced, the president has been obsessed with buying enough time to halt the imposition of the coming colder season which he was planning to forestall until the Vernal Equinox in late March. 

By secret executive orders, President Trump deployed the Air Force to halt the southern migration of birds telling the Pentagon that it represented a severe economic drain on the American tourist industry and wild egg futures. All trees on federal lands were ordered to hold onto their leaves until fresh green ones were budding to take their place. All fury animals in the national parks, the national zoo along with dogs used by the military and federal law enforcement agencies were ordered to not thicken their coats under penalty of reduced rations. 

President Trump did try in good faith to bid Biden to extend this regimen for the first two months of Biden’s term in order to get the country to spring break un-chapped but Biden, a known lover of skiing, fireplace cuddling, hot chocolate and other cold weather perversions, declined. House Speaker Pelosi, a native of Baltimore, Maryland who had long ago escaped to the San Francisco Bay Area, wouldn’t hear of it.

The president had been contacting governors, mayors and county executives to widen the Fall foliage ban to local parks and lands. In July, he cajoled famous fashion houses not to succumb to a new season siting Covid concerns. His television network contacts along with the pandemic restrictions put a kibosh on the new Fall broadcast season. 

Still, autumn slowly and belatedly has been taking place giving ever greater threat to winter following. And then the election happened- sort of. So finally, last week, in desperation, with his legal challenges failing, the president brought in all the top officials and scientists from NASA to brainstorm what the United States could do in the next four weeks to correct the tilt of the Earth. 

“I hear all this nonsense from the climate changers about global warming when all you have to do is stick your head out the window in most of the country,” the president said yesterday. “Given another four years I could have made America summer again.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Let The Dead Vote!

Satire1, in response to the numerous accusations that the dead are deciding the current disputed election, has concluded that both the Lying Liberal Media and the Evidence Unburdened President have both ignored the voice of the American dead and has sought to correct this obvious injustice. 

In this pursuit Satire1 has spent the last three days contacting spirits, ghosts, mediums, gypsies and owners of analog television sets and landline telephones to get a sampling of the opinions and actions of the deceased during this election week. 

Former Supreme Court Justice Scalia

“Ever since the passing of the generation of the Founding Fathers this country has been ruled by the dead. To this day we are guided solely by the unwritten intent of the writers of the Constitution. I, as a Original Intentionalist, was blessed with a gypsy maid who put me in regular contact with Al Hamilton and Jimmy Madison, the main authors of The Federalist Papers. Now that I’m also dead we all play golf together and never mention politics or law.”

Abraham Lincoln

“I voted in Illinois Tuesday where my spirit resides. I must say I gave quite a scare to the poor young poll workers who were kind and brave enough to fill in for the usual seniors leery of this new germ that’s been getting all the attention. The seniors never seemed to pay me any mind in the past. I’m just kind of a shadow that falls across their minds every time democracy gets dusted off again.”

George Washington

“I’ve voted in every presidential election in Virginia since we’ve had them. I practice every American’s right to write in my vote. I always put down NOT ME. Let some other chump have that office.”

 Carrie Nation

“I smashed more saloons in my time than probably almost anybody and in most states bars used to be closed on election days but after this week I think I need a drink.”

Hilary Clinton

“People continue to mistake me for being alive just because I’m still breathing but believe me no one is as dead as a frontrunner who loses an election.”

Mark Twain

 “Now why on earth can’t the dead vote in this election? Just take a look at the candidates. Both the Orange Bear and the Silver Fox look like they just got off of a drunk mortician’s table.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

2020 Elections

 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Now The Real Horror Begins

FOX ELECTION FRIGHT FEST

12p  Obama 2

3p Permanent Lockdown

5p The House on Capital Hill

8p Suburbs Burning

10p  Permanent Minority

 

12a  Let the Dead Vote

MSNBC ALL DAY MONSTER MATINEE 

12p  The Climate Changed

2p  Conformation Quickie

4p    Get Out Of My Womb

6p    Covid Cavalier Cowboy Contagion

9p Term Limits

12a No Lives Matter

Don Arrup

Satire1

Night of the Early Voters

The Polls Are Open And Welcoming Registered Voters

All You Need Is A Valid ID Or Functioning Firearm

 

If You Need Assistance...

A Volunteer Will Be Happy To Assist You

Some Voting Machines Have Been Experiencing Glitches

And Could Make Casting Your Ballot Difficult

Still... Vote!

Don Arrup

Satire1

Second Date Debate

 Susan Page, Moderator/Referee 

Welcome Senator Caramel Harris and Vice Squad Mike Pence and thank you for participating in the 2020 Vice Presidential Apology. Both of your campaigns have agreed to the rules. There will be no addressing the questions put forth to you from myself. You are not to allow, under any circumstances, your opponent to speak without interruption. Your allotted times to ignore my questions are not to be observed and I am to be completely ignored after fielding my fruitless questions.

Though we will tolerate a certain sprinkling of verifiable, factual information, it can never be used as the main point of the lie you are trying to sell. 

In order to move the farce along and provide a fuzzier picture of the arguments allow me to recommend some time disgraced traditions from past debates. If asked a question about your opponent lie about yourself. If asked a question about yourself lie about your opponent. Acts of God are to be prosecuted as the sole responsibility of your rival’s political party and human caused disasters generally attributed to your own party’s insanity are to be blamed on the Almighty.  

Super Social Distance is to be maintained behind the pixie glass and there are to be no pets allowed in the debate hall even though no debate will take place here. That includes Vice Squad Pence’s comfort fly and the cooties attributed to Senator Harris by the racist white boys at the school she was bussed to in fourth grade.

If the candidates will briefly spank themselves to indicate agreement with the rules we can begin. 

Vice Squad Pence, what Wednesday evening prime time programing would you care to apologize to the American people for denying them?

Pence

Nashville.

Page

Senator Hair?

Harris

Blackish.

Page

And how has your opponent’s campaign and record in public office drained both the American people’s favorite shows and present sex life of any semblance of satisfaction or even simple diversion? Vice Pence?

Pence

Country music was born out of fracking. Biden’s embrace of the radical Islamic Chinese Green New Deal will raise middle class taxes and make it unaffordable to be either white or heterosexual in the United States for generations to come.

Page

Harris?

Harris

The Trump Administration’s crotch grab on Lady Liberty suppressing votes, strangling dissent, demonizing the poor and disenfranchised will enslave immigrants and put Putin’s penis in the mouth of every patriotic American. 

Page

Please, Vice Pence, Senator Harry, don’t hold back. We are using up valuable air time.

Don Arrup

Satire1

First Date Debate

After whatever that was last night on all the major channels Satire1 hit the corner Main and Moose in Flathead County, Montana to find out what voters and viewers thought of ruckus.

Big Booted Woman

“They should have given them food to throw at each other. That or just shown it on HBO where they could have said what they were really feeling.”

Camp Town Popeye

See, this is another example of what we’re losing to Covid. How are two guys supposed to wrestle six feet apart? That, and there was absolutely no call for them to be wearing shirts.”

Kindergarten Teacher

“I didn’t know Trump divorced Melania. And when did he marry Biden? She must have been window dressing for the last election. You didn’t have to watch for even ten minutes last night to see those two have been a couple for a long time.”

Local Pol

“I usually like Chris Wallace’s work but last night was more a job for Oprah. Every time they started to get down to the real problem with their relationship they let policy positions and national interests get in the way. When are they going to get some real counseling?”

Communist Cosmetician 

“I thought the eye pokes and groin kicks were fine but I was sooo disappointed they didn’t get down to what everybody really wanted to see and that was the hair pulling. They’re both wearing wigs. Everybody knows that.”

Mortarboard on Board

“I don’t know why Biden didn’t go after the Trump kids criminal activity. Their whole generation are criminals and what else could they be? We’ve left them a country where nothing is paid for.”

Young Teen with boner

“God yes I watched it. There was nothing else on. And am I glad I can’t vote.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Stop Quacking

The blood orange sun over the Hudson 

Signals just the beginning of the real

Wildfire, hurricane and earthquake season

Presidential election

The plume of smoke that rode the jet stream 

Three thousand miles comes from 

The wonderful world of color

And manipulation

Disneyland is burning down

Like Atlanta in Gone With the Wind

Minnie grabbed the buckboard reins

Knowing the film better than Mickey

Somebody left Goofy behind

Who enjoyed full citizenship

While Pluto was treated like a dog

Couldn’t bark English

Ducky Donald is quacking up the Gulf

As clouds bigger than Montana 

Block the light

And drown out other views

Donald is going to be Jack Lantern

This Halloween

While Washington Joe 

A cranium with eyes

Donald will shine the light

Of his celebrity out his mouth

While Joe will mask

The un-gummed teeth of his grin

How do you like your leaders?

Cautious mole in the hole

Or grasshopper in the autumn wind

While the Supreme Court just lost a giant

Don Arrup

Satire1

August Dog

I keep telling myself

This town is always a ghost

In August

Caesar’s month

Not Julie Seize 

But the chubby nephew

On I, Claudius

I read both books

Before BBC made the series

Didn’t help

They all got it in the end

Killed off like innocent Summer

By the frost that comes late in the night

I could feel Helios

Withdrawing his blaze

From the not as long days

Now the Sun drops like a sailor’s pants

On an internet date

And I’ve got to put down

My baseball bat

And go face second grade

Teacher wore more makeup

Than Bozo the Clown

The horror of what too much hope

Can do to a pleasantly plain face

Good lesson there

Never believe magazine ads

Or TV commercials

No toy is fun 4 long

And no shampoo

Will end your loneliness

Soldier on

Through wars that run as long

As the Simpsons

Or are over before you can spell the place

There are no trends

In American politics or culture

Just fads to get us in trouble

And make us pick teams again

Every other generation

Now farmers and factory workers

Are Republicans

And billionaires donkeys

Really? 

The parties conventions 

Are straight up informercials

I listen to the dirt and I’m gonna

And wonder if my sandwiches 

Would taste better grilled

There’s only one way out of here

And it’s all up hill

Hell, I don’t know

If we can even fly to freedom

And what is freedom anyway?

Trump looks like 

The oldest teenager in the world

And Biden’s Methuselah 

Pence is the whitest man 

Who ever lived

And Kamala 

Is every minority rolled into one

I can’t even remember 

What race or gender I am

I’m just old

Pre-internet

Pre-social media

Pre-cellphone

I spoke to people

In the same room

Or within sight outside

Masked up on Halloween

Extorted candy into a paper bag

How will we know it’s Halloween?

How will we know Summer’s ended?

If everyone wears a mask

All the time

Don Arrup

Satire1