Bill, Brady and Barbie

As the faces of public enemies number one and two, comedian Bill Cosby and quarterback Tom Brady, disgrace the front pages of newspapers and magazines across the country, the tarnished icons have united in accusing one Barbara Millicent Roberts of sexually disfiguring them early in their careers and being responsible for their consequent antisocial behavior.

Ms. BM Roberts aka Barbie the Doll was born Bild Lilli in Germany where she worked as a sex toy in bars and nightclubs before white slaver Ruth Handler of the Mattel mob spirited her to the United States. Handler began pimping Barbie at the 1959 New York Toy Fair beginning what would become the most notorious “serial blond” career in the history of the world’s oldest profession. Barbie has had 150 career covers in 150 countries where Mattel boasts Barb sells it three times a second racking up one billion johns. Standing at eleven and a half curvy inches at seven and a quarter ounces the infamous “1/6th Playscale” Ribald Roberts has proven to be doll enough for any man. 

Bill Cosby was a lonely sailor at the time working as a Corpsman at Bethesda Naval Hospital when Barbie torpedoed into town. “I was a Virgin. At least my left hand still was at the time,” said Cosby. “The Civil Rights movement was only gearing up and black men didn’t play with white dolls if they knew what was good for them.”

“I thought I was going to decide what we play but little did I know that for Barbie playtime was over,” Cosby recalled. “See, Barbie was the type of Fraulein who had to make her way in post war Hamburg. American servicemen were just caverns to be explored and exploited. And she where mined the Sun doesn’t shine.”

In 1997, Barbie was already a cultural force that outlived The Beatles, Disco, Punk and pantyhose while Tom Ed Pat Brad Jr. aka Tom Brady was one of seven backup quarterbacks to Brian Griese who had just won the Michigan Wolverines the National Championship in college football. Tom was just “one of the girls” who was sharing time “under center” mostly competing for playing time with Drew Henson when Barbie bombed into Ann Arbor.

Tom needed an older doll to build his confidence and guide him through the fierce competition in Big Ten sports. With a gentle small handed touch, Barbie led the future NFL MVP through his junior and senior years where he set school records in passing and wins. She would lead Brady through graduation, the NFL Draft, his years as a backup in New England and to his glory as the quarterback of the Patriots but in February, 2009, just weeks before Barbie was to turn “officially fifty” Tom dropped Barbie and married a Brazilian model.

Barbie bided her time but she knew just where to stick the needle and just whose balls to deflate. Justice thy name is Barbie.

Don Arrup

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