As part of the Obama-Iran Nuclear Scam Congress is being asked to sign over the dwarf planet Pluto to Iran. As our NASA disguised New Horizon battle shuttle invades and conquers the former ninth brother in our solar system, China and Russia dispute the United States right to annex other planets without United Nations approval.
Just three billion miles on average from the Earth’s orbit, Pluto is smaller than the United States Moon but with five lunes in its posse the forever freezing and melting rock presents unprecedented entrepreneurial opportunities and unimagined romantic getaways for the first world’s rapidly retiring populations.
Though mineral extraction is not economic outside a billion mile radius at this time, the low density of Pluto along with its numerous neighbors offers undeveloped real estate which under low Iranian property taxes could lead to rapid habitation. Though the surface temperature is a chilly minus 369 Fahrenheit tunnels could be dug without heavy equipment and cave societies could spring down in days.
“If they discover so much as a hint of DNA on Pluto sets of Golden Arches will up before you read your Sunday paper,” said Ronald McDonald, monarch of the McDonald’s Corporation.
Secretary John Kerry whose Department of State does not handle relations with other planets and extraterrestrials believes that it would be “very much” in the United States’ interest to hand Pluto over to Iran where inevitable violations of their nuclear agreement on Earth could be punished in outer space.
“Nothing can be won in the Middle East so why not kick their space ass,” Kerry said.
Vice President Joe Biden agreed. “The Iranians need four crescent moons for their Muslim Islam flag thing. It’s kind of like their Confederate flag only moony.”
Biden was reminded that Pluto only had fully rounded moons and that the American moon only appears crescent due to the Earth’s shadow. “That’s a damn shame,” said Biden. “Someone really ought to tell Allah. I mean it’s been over a thousand years. We let the South in on their defeat recently and popcorn still pops.”
Senator Barbra Boxer protested that Pluto should remain in American hands and be declared the “Woman’s Planet” but Republican legislators argued that women deserved a much larger planet like Saturn which at least wears a belt. “It’s bad enough we’re getting mooned every night by our own moon. We don’t need some other naked Heavenly Body turning the sky into pornography we have no parental controls over,” said Senator Gram.
Both China and Russia could tentatively agree to recognize American dominion over Pluto should the NASA invasion prove successful and America’s right to secede the dwarf to Iran on the condition that the United States backs Chinese and Russian claims to the Sun in the UN Security Council.
Though Japan stole the local star from China briefly last century, China has reestablished full control of Helios and will be imposing a tiny users fee to countries using solar power for farming and general visibility during the day. The fee has been calculated to cover just a small fraction of the cost China spends on maintaining the Sun as a 24/7/365 generator. Russia will assume a percentage of that fee for its role in the reacquisition of the Sun in the middle of last century.
Despite the advantages of resolving Middle East conflicts in outer space and satiating Chinese and Russian aggression geriatric experts want to set up Pluto as the first “nursing plutoid” where retirees can spend their remaining years which out there last 250 of ours.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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