Outside the penthouse of the Mad Playwright of 95th Street on any given afternoon a half dozen black town cars are parked in front of the building. West 95th is the major uptown exit from the Henry Hudson Highway and astride the two entrances thus providing a quick strike base for these hit drivers. In the rear passenger windows of the cars stands a black card with the internet age’s equivalent of a skull and crossbones: The Strangling U of Uber.
As the Federal Bureau of Investigation begs Rotten Apple to open the poop shoot to its holier than thou godPhone, the sharing apps this soulless technology has spawned are destroying community based businesses and murdering low tech citizenry.
Jason Dalton, of the notorious Dalton Gang which merged with Uber Technology Inc, the black ops illegal organ harvesting and sex slaving mafia based in Sin Francisco, is currently being held without bail for eliminating six citizens who were destroying his business by walking. Though pedestrians are among the most despised of rebels by carbon combusting America, Dalton, under strict orders from the beehive, began “cleansing” Michigan’s streets of the wheelless bipeds only to be apprehended by the Kalamazoo Constabulary.
In a state literally built by the automobile industry, a respected criminal has become the scapegoat for our society’s voluntary blindness to the inevitable consequences of wireless connection, shameless sharing and addiction to motorized transportation. As America’s daughters open their beds to anyone with an Airbnb account and her sons grind children and seniors under the wheels of supposed progress and economic flexibility, the kangaroo court of Kalamazoo has drawn a line declaring that even the e-entrepreneur drivers of Uber can not murder a half dozen citizens in one shift.
“We understand and accept the collateral damage of globalization and cyber penetration, said Judge Hopper, who ruled that Dalton was to be held without bail. “But it is the jurisdiction of this court to see that garden variety homicide and the slaughter that is part of the price of doing business doesn’t spiral into genocide.”
J “Death Driver” Dalton had been pimping, kidnapping, raping, mutilating, murdering and turning without signaling for months under the flag of the Strangling U. A common thug before falling into the wormhole of godPhone apps, J DD Dalton quickly morphed into a cyber villain tweeting, poking, liking and choking every ghost that crossed his path in the ethernet.
Sneaking from one Airbnb to another from Baghdad by the Bay to the Celery City, Dalton strangled avatars and had nonconsensual sex with emojis. Leaving a trail of blood in comments sections across the web, he pledged to neutralize fitness walkers, mommy joggers, metro-cyclists and anyone else who was “banishing humanity back into caves” by foregoing internal combustion.
Detective Dichard of Kalamazoo zoo zoo zoo explained, “Uber only stole the kidneys and virginity of the iFools who actually called and crawled into their deathtraps. Then pedestrians who made no such summons were being killed. Before, Uber was like Bluebeard. You had to marry him to be murdered. Now, you just have to be around.”
The detective added, “If we hung everyone responsible for this the world would run out of rope.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
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