Battle of the Blonds

Hillary’s Acceptance Speech Thursday night:

My fellow Americans, tonight begins a new era of equality and freedom undreamt of by our Founding Fathers. Tonight, for the first time America is offering the office of the Presidency of the United States to the winner of the Battle of the Blonds.

Washington, Jefferson, Jackson, Eisenhower and Kennedy were all carrot tops. Abe and the other beards all brunettes. Barack sports a short nappy but never has a golden fleece led this land.

I know some of you are skeptical. Is the country, indeed the world, ready for a blond American president? With China contracting, Russia collapsing, Europe dividing, the Middle East radicalizing, and Brazil covering up the bikini can a blond American president see to it that we do in fact have more fun?

We Americans are facing mounting challenges. Yellowing bleaching agents, poorly labeled or manufactured peroxide, split ends and unmanageable humidity in the summer and wild wind in the winter. We have faced these challenges before as a nation and we survived but under my Administration we will not only survive but prevail.

In my years as a Senator and Secretary of State I’ve spoken to hundreds of our brave men and women in uniform facing the most cruel and unthinkable conditions overseas for any hairdo let alone a perm or wave. Helmet Hair has become the number one injury among our front line troops. I’ve seen the courage and patriotism of soldiers, sailors, (no one from the Air Force) and Marines barely out of their teens pleading with their beauticians and barbers to clear them again for combat. Some even shaving their heads so that they could rejoin the fight. 

Many of my fellow Democrats accuse me of being a Hawk but let me say this right here and now, I do not condone sending out any American into harm’s way who is having a bad hair day. Nothing good ever happens on BHDs. I know, Hercules couldn’t have gotten a comb through my mane that fateful November Tuesday in 2008. I’ll send out our troops to fight freedom’s necessary fights, possibly to get wounded or killed but I will not send out a single service member to be humiliated.

And then there is the question of climate change. How will my children manage their hair with the weather exploding in their face every time they open their front door? When hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, desert heat, arctic cold and Noah era flooding become the norm, how will my children avoid the embarrassment of unmanageable hair? What future can my children have if their heads look like they bathed in a blender?

I know my opponent, not a natural blond anymore but who is after their twenties, says that he will look out for your locks. “I’ll protect your hair,” Donald says. “I’ll wash it; I’ll comb it; I’ll cut it; believe me.” Well, I believe Donald when he says this. Yes, I believe him. He’ll do all that and more for your hair but on one condition- only if you want your hair to look like his.

Yes, it will be one style fits all with Mr. Trump. I’m a proud bleach blond but under my administration a rainbow of manes will flourish. There might even be adults wearing their natural hair color and that too will find acceptance with this Democrat in the White House. Or should I say the Blond House?

So now it is up to the American people to choose which blond vision to follow. We have entered the Blond era, the Blond century, the Blond millennium. The only question is are we turning over or upside down?

Don Arrup

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