Trump's First Security Briefing

CIA Liaison Agent Harold Spook

Candidate Trump, my name is XXXX and I am here on behalf of the Central Intelligence Agency to bring you up to speed on the actual state of the nation and world. First, President Barack Obama hasn’t been the President of the United States for over two years.

Trump

What? Was he assassinated and you got a double to show to the public?

Spook

No, he is very much alive. His wife Michelle took over the marriage and office after hubby couldn’t pull off gun control again. 

Trump

She gives a better speech anyway.

Spook

Bill and Hillary Clinton are the same bigender person.

Trump

Who didn’t know that?

Spook

Native Americans, Palestinians, Tibetans, Mexicans and anyone else claiming to be a native people are lying.

Trump

Everybody is from somewhere else.

Spook 

There is not and never was a Hawaii.

Trump

This is what I’ve been saying.

Spook

Canadians eat American babies.

Trump

My next wall.

Spook

Small head babies are caused by watching television novellas. Mosquitos have nothing to do with it or any other ailment including malaria. 

Trump

The British whack off too much anyway.

Spook

ISIS is really just a Middle Eastern boy scout troop. All those nuts are acting on their own.

Trump

I understand you have to keep your funding up.

Spook

Vladimir Putin is one of our agents. We bought Russia in the mid 90’s but use them to spank Merkel and any other European leader who pisses us off. 

Trump

I’ve been saying as much.

Spook

Mexico is responsible for 9/11 and their population is mostly composed of rapists but not all are murders. 

Trump

Stop standing up for them.

Spook

The Moon began disintegrating around the time of our Civil War. There was hardly a trace of it by the First World War. We sent the rockets up to see if we could find any of it. Our spacesuits gave the astronauts wedgies.

Trump

I’ll build a moon. Right after I build the two walls.

Don Arrup

Satire1