The poltergeists of Confederate heroes were videotaped returning monuments that honored their sacrifice back on their pedestals on campuses and in parks throughout the south Tuesday night. Authorities assumed that since it was the eve of Halloween and celebrated as Moving, Mischief or Devil’s Night that it was just fraternity pledges in costume performing initiation rights.
Hours later, police, campus security and park officials across Dixie reported that not only were the statues firmly reestablished but that they were inexplicably flatulent- even to the point of being lethal.
Satire1 interviewed witnesses, ghostbusters, paranormal psychologists, spouses of the extremely flatulent and other survivors of second hand flatulence. Their names have been withheld to protect the innocent.
“The horses are the worst and every officer in grey has a horse.”
“Murder by methane.”
“It’s phantasm fracking for Christ’s sake!”
“Armies ran on beans in those days.”
“Another attempt at voter suppression.”
“The dead have always voted in the south but I can’t recall them ever protesting before.”
“These are statues. They were never alive so they can’t ever be dead.”
“The Confederate statues have risen to fight off the Caravan of Hispanic zombies coming up through Mexico.”
“The Republican Party is funding this.”
“I don’t see Robert E. Lee favoring the Party of Lincoln.”
“Stonewall Jackson now is a stone wall where all the illegals waiting for day work hang out and piss on him.”
“If I was a statue I’d have just one word for my readers:”
VOTE
(why miss out on all the madness?)
Don Arrup
Satire1
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