Down Root

As we approach the tenth summer of widespread drought officials in Washington have begun to address how to limit the devastation of wildfires that now threaten over half the country. Widespread bipartisan agreement in Washington blames the presence of too much oxygen in the air which feeds the out of control combustion of vegetation leading to the loss of homes, businesses and life. 

The Obama Administration had called for legislation to regulate photosynthesis in all members of the plant kingdom six years ago while Republicans favored deforestation of national and local parks and replacing natural fauna with Genetically Modified Plantae which doesn't fart oxygen.

As both sides continue to study the issue and draft legislation a number of legislators, administration officials and wonks weighed in on the issue anonymously:

"We've accommodated natural plant life in this country for too long. If it feeds us or the animals we eat- fine. Or if it makes good wood. But if we can't eat it or sit on it it's gone."

"We haven't been killing the oceans fast enough. I think a lot of this oxygen is sneaking over our shorelines from the stuff whales eat."

"I think the Federal Government has to make every effort to preserve our natural heritage so that future generations have an idea of what America was like before we trashed it. But right now plants are exchanging gases in an unregulated free market posing incalculable risk to our species."

"This is all the Sun's fault."

"You know what I call vegetation? Freeloaders. Taking up space, busting up concrete and pipes, crawling up walls and drinking up more of our water than a yoga student in July."

Don Arrup

Satire1