Coviducation

As New Jersey relaxes some of its quarantine rules this week and allows some businesses and public venues to reopen Satire1 takes to the streets of Hoboken to see how the populace is faring in the semi sorta post of most of Covidemic. 

Woman in N95 Mask

We couldn’t wait another day to open our hair salon. The police did come on Friday to shut us down but when they saw our shop filled with women in smocks with wet hair waiting for someone, anyone to try to salvage what was left of their do- the officers left us alone.

We’ve saved a lot of heads these last four days. Often at the expense of our own hair. I can’t do anything with this visor trench haloing me. But some heads couldn’t be saved. We left one woman alone in the parlor with the electric razor. Most wanted us to do it. They came in looking like they had sex with a helicopter and left looking like Popeye the Sailor Man.

Man with a Pie smeared over his Mush

I’ve been using my time off from work constructively. First, I spanked my wife for every birthday she ever had and she’s had plenty but she wanted more. Then, I opened a website where, for a fee, I help people change their nickname. They fill out a special form and send a recent photo. Ninety per cent end up with either “Liar” or “Asshole” and then recommend me on Yelp.

Middle School Marauder

Nana says I’m boy crazy. Mom calls me nympho and Dad calls me whore. I say I’m popular. They just don’t get it. And now with quarantine I’m not getting it anymore. Who you chat with, text, FaceTime and email- it doesn’t matter. It’s where you stand and who you stand with when your age- your world is together. And if we don’t get together what’s the point?

“I know what adults know if they’re honest. We’re just a pack of monkeys. We’re bigger and we can make things. Otherwise, we’re hanging from the same tree.”

I like a boy who can look me straight in the eyes and get dangerous with me. Even Juliet and Romeo had a party to hook up at. I can’t look a boy in the eye on screen and be there. He’s just not there. There is no here between screens. I need to look him in the eye until I see his fear and see he’s afraid but not going away.

I’m going all the way. You coming? I’m that girl.

High School Sophomore

They keep telling me not to touch myself. My mother, my father, my teacher, my doctor and even the President of the United States. I’m sixteen and touching myself is my whole sex life. And now it’s my whole social life too. I mean, nobody else touches me. Girls have been social distancing me like forever.

My brother tells me I could get cancer of the boner.

Middle School Marauder

You can’t get cancer of the boner.

HSS

How do you know?

MSM

I went to camp.

HSS

Which camp?

MSM

Camp Wild Oat upstate. Like three summers.

HSS

Then you’d know more than my brother. 

MSM

It’s Cyber Ninja Camp. You can get cancer of the orgasm if you aren’t getting any. My parents are riddled with it.

HSS

I knew frustration and anger can kill you but now I’m wondering if loneliness can too.

MSM

Depends on which loneliness you’re going through. Like if you’re lonely because you’re by yourself all the time it won’t kill you. It just feels like you’re dead. If you’re lonely and can’t get away from people…

HSS

What?

MSM

Cause for concern. There’s a lot of other types of loneliness.

HSS

I know. 

MSM

Don’t have to go to camp to know that.

HSS

You’re not a virgin, are you?

MSM

No.

HSS

I mean, you’re really not a virgin- not even close.

MSM

Yeah.

HSS

Why?

MSM

A lot of reasons.

HSS

To stop feeling lonely?

MSM

It doesn’t help with that. 

HSS

What does?

MSM

I don’t know. Love?

HSS

You’re just playing me because boner caner is real and you know I have it.

MSM

Just saying.

Don Arrup

Satire1