Mexican Beer Plague Strike Force

President Donald Trump

“My fellow Americans, as the pandemic spreads across the nation, globe and even my white white house here at the White House I have disbanded the Corona Virus Task Force because they couldn’t even keep themselves from getting sick.”

“Dr. Fauci and some of his colleagues had to be quarantined after being exposed to data that doesn’t support our opening of the economy which will be done incrementally over the next three to four hours depending on the spike in the death toll.”

“I admit that it is disturbing that the virus is killing off members of my Administration faster than I can fire them. It’s very disturbing.  And who fires faster and more decisively than I? I coined the phrase ‘You’re fired’ after centuries of limpy, wimpy phrases like we’ll have to let you go or you’ve been downsized or replaced.”

“In the task force’s place I am creating a better named and focused group to take on the bug: The Mexican Beer Plague Strike Force. We might need to tweak or tweet it just a bit. The Chinese Mexican Beer Plague Strike Force but it sounds too much like a declaration of war on China. Something I would never do before October if I remain behind in the polls.” 

“Using the Defense Powers Act I have instructed a number of our greatest companies to begin manufacturing Bleach Bombs, Lysol Lasers and Sun Lamp Virus Evaporators which we will need to turn this war around from being a defensive war fought in our hospitals and nursing homes to an offensive war of overwhelming force where we can attack the capitals and forward bases of the enemy in Wuhan and Mexico.”

“Americans are not cowards. We are not cowards who hide in our homes while the foreign invader takes over our public spaces, stadiums, houses of worship and tattoo parlors.”

“We have combed through the greatest hairdos of our health care system- the best- we have the best- and I have narrowed it down to a few to corner the Corona. Corner and crush the virus that has been- quite frankly- I will not lie to you- the virus that has been kicking our ass- yours and mine- I could show you scars.” 

“We’re America. Corona came too late. America again is great. You’re a couple of years late, Corona. If you hit us right after they forced Obama Care on us none of us would be here today. Pelosi wouldn’t have saved you and Obama couldn’t have saved you.”

“So now I’m going to introduce you to our bipartisan Strike Force. First, chairing the Strike Force is world renown Dr. Victor Frankenstein. A genius known the world over for his ability to bring in bodies from all over and make them function like one brain.”

“Helping out is the crack medical research team of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde who’ve been able to overcome their ideological differences to solve some of the mysteries of the human soul and they’ll solve this pandemic. You’ll see. Even share the same girlfriend. This is what is possible if everyone listens to me.”

“Next is Dr. No. Asian Jew Male Dominatrix who has no qualms about controlling the population. Whatever I say goes. No dissent. No whining.”

“Tea Party favorite Dr. Phibes agreed to come out of retirement. He has a cure for everything. Most of them worse than the disease but Corona is going down even if we have to end all life in the Milky Way.”

“Got somebody for the liberals. Everybody represented in the Strike Force. Dr. Dolittle, animal rights guy, Green Party guy, will be looking into how Covid is affecting our pets and the animals we eat.”

“And finally, Dr. Hannibal Lecter, brilliant mind, fixes what ain’t broke. Just never be alone with him. Never. Gets a little handsy. Not as bad as Biden. A little grabby on the jewels. He’ll keep the Strike Force disciplined.” 

“Now it will be safe to open America again. We might have to wait all the way to Memorial Day for a vaccine. Something about supply chain or it has to be safe or some nonsense like that. But Covid will be driven out beyond our borders before the first kickoff of the NFL regular season. 

Don Arrup

Satire1