Stop Monkeying Around

Andrew Cuomo, Governor of New York

“So the preliminary trial of the Oxford vaccine has been successful. Experts around the world are believers now. We have a safe, reasonably reliable- because nothing’s perfect- but it appears to have protected a sizable majority of the monkeys. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a Covid Monkey vaccine."

"Now, what does that mean? It means that while the pandemic imprisons us in our houses if we’re lucky, in our apartments or rooms or our bunk. Some people just have a spot. Maybe with just the sky for their roof. But now all some of us have something we didn’t have before. We have the monkeys and the monkeys are going to kick Covid’s ass for us." 

"You’re probably asking yourself, What’s Cuomo talking about? Has he lost his mind? Is he going to vote for Biden? The answer is no. I haven’t lost my mind. And I know monkeys.”

“How does Cuomo know monkeys?"

“The answer is simple. My father gave me a monkey. I wanted a monkey. They looked like fun and girls liked them. You could get almost any girl- even some married women- up to your room if you could show them a monkey.”

 Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives

“Well, it appears that our friends, the British, have found at their great university of Oxford, a vaccine that is looking very promising for our primate friends who I’m sure we can arrange to take over some of our vital jobs that involve exposure to the Corona virus.”

“I’ver been talking to the pirates who run Silicon Valley about bringing over some of our closer evolutionary cousins like Chimpanzees and Orangoutangs to write computer programs and become personal masseuses since it’s obvious they would rather die than hire an American but it appears that our techno tyrants preferred monkeys all along. All they ever talk about is getting a little tail.”

Donald Trump, President of the United States

“Every American should have a monkey. I’ve been saying this since the seventies. Who doesn’t want a monkey? The Three Stooges had a monkey. That kid in The Jungle Book. He had a monkey. He didn’t even have parents. The monkeys raised him. And monkeys could be raising your kids too. Who needs schools? Get more monkeys.”

“They don’t catch Covid. They don’t unionize. When they complain it sounds like a Tarzan movie. And they won’t get your daughter pregnant. My hand to god. You can trust your daughter with a monkey.”

Joseph Biden, Presumptive Democratic Party Nominee for President

“Oh, lord, thank god. Is that you? I haven’t been able to get a word out for days. I’m being held captive in my basement by Russian monkeys. I understand they are immune to American politics and the Covid virus. They invaded my home just after we heard about the Oxford University vaccine trial. And some of them are beginning to get familiar.” 

Don Arrup

Satire1