(The clock strikes one. Enter the Advisor of Elections Past)
Hillary
Donald.
Trump
Roy Cohn sent you?
Hillary
I am your Advisor of Elections Past.
Trump
But I beat you.
Hillary
Yes, you did, Donald. I was used to the White House. I was comfortable there and I wanted to go back. Thought I had it back and in one night I became jobless and homeless. I had four states recount.
Trump
Everybody thought you were going to win.
Hillary
If you mean I thought that you are correct.
Trump
So, do you prefer to be addressed as Secretary, Senator or First Lady?
Hillary
Just call me Hill.
Trump
Sounds like Hell. Let me call you the second part- Larry.
Hillary
Moe and Curly. I don’t think so. Call me pal.
Trump
Okay pal, Where are you taking me?
Hillary
Everything’s closed. There’s nowhere to go.
Trump
We aren’t going to the past?
Hillary
You’re jousting with me. That’s the past.
Trump
So what’s new?
Hillary
You and I have a lot in common. We’ve both lived in the whitest house in the world. Liked it and thought we were going to be living there next year.
Trump
I’m not leaving.
Hillary
You’ll want to start packing right after the holidays. With everything going on in the world and our country this house might be harder to get out of than a regular prison.
Trump
I won the election and I’m not leaving.
Hillary
Then Biden will charge you rent.
Trump
And I’m Air B&Bing Camp David as we speak.
Hillary
You can get just as much for the Lincoln bedroom but that means strangers in the Executive Residence.
Trump
I’m telling you, pal, I’m not leaving.
Hillary
In some ways you couldn’t even if you wanted to.
Trump
Ivanka is going to be the first woman president.
Hillary
Passing over Junior?
Trump
Donald Junior will have the important job.
Hillary
He’ll run Trump Inc.
Trump
Hey, we are pals.
Hillary
The Big Cat and the Big Dog.
Trump
I’m not leaving but I might change my mind tomorrow.
Hillary
I do admire your adaptability.
Trump
Which voters call treason and customers call smart. I’m always judged as a business man whereas all you pols are stuck with your promises and voter’s expectations.
Hillary
You did a great job of exploiting that double standard as well.
Trump
You pols try to be leaders but nobody can lead the American people. Nobody since Washington. Even Lincoln, our greatest president, was hated by half the country. I don’t talk to voters like constituents. I talk to them as what they are: investors. They invested in me to get a conservative Supreme Court, tax cuts, deregulation and a wall and their investment paid off.
Hillary
So this time they cashed you out and went with Mr. No Drama.
Trump
America is about making business possible and politics impossible. When politicians get hung up on their ideals or delusions they forget that politics is a marketing and sales job. Not a crusade.
Hillary
But you have to sell it as if it was a crusade.
Trump
We’re all selling grandeur to compensate for people’s inadequacies. If I’m selling sports cars, pickup trucks, guns and power tools I’m really only selling one thing.
Hillary
Machismo.
Trump
Manhood. You sound like an egghead. Americans don’t elect eggheads except for Obama. Obama was the cool, minority egghead.
Hillary
Whereas I am a smart ass white Karen bitch.
Trump
No, that’s Pocahontas. Ivy League or over educated lawyer c word is the most popular description of you. At least when I last heard people speak of you.
Hillary
And who speaks of me more than you? If I’m forgotten then you have no fema-nazi dragon under your foot. No harpy bitch out to castrate American manhood for the sake of an egalitarian kindergarten. A eunuch country-
Trump
Canada. Your party wants to make America South Canada.
Hillary
No, we want to make it Super Canada.
Trump
Super Canada is still Canada.
Hillary
You’re getting out at the right time.
Trump
You want me to leave.
Hillary
Just saying…
Trump
Make it easy for Sleepy Joe.
Hillary
I think this place holds you back.
Trump
The highest office in the world?
Hillary
Your flock will follow you anywhere from anywhere.
Trump
And give up this power?
Hillary
You don’t need a title or television show or an office for your power. You’re Donald Trump whether every single eligible voter in the country votes for you or none of them do. And there’s 2024! If you really need the mega, radioactive endless tsunami of donkey shit along with all the Elephant right in your lap crap- do I really need to list the foreign fuss you can expect more often than you piss?
Trump
I don’t get in enough golf.
Hillary
You’re on call 24/7, 365 and a quarter days a year. and you could make more money with a Lamborghini franchise in rural West Virginia.
Trump
I could make money on a planet that doesn’t even have money.
Hillary
Why you don’t open a casino on the Moon is beyond me.
Trump
We’re saving that for my youngest.
Hillary
Let somebody else save America for a change. I was going to finally break the glass ceiling and rein shards down on the pitiless patriarchy.
Trump
Who’s Joe saving?
Hillary
Himself from his retirement.
Trump
I can respect that.
Hillary
Come back in a couple of years and wake the country up.
Trump
Joe and Fauci aren’t going to free the economy from this Covid coma.
Hillary
There you go, Donald. Take a nice long vacation and then roar back in two four.
Trump
Can I get some sleep now?
Hillary
Not while you’re still in office. It’s like having a newborn for four years if you haven’t noticed.
Trump
Somebody’s always wailing.
Hillary
And you have the Advisor of Elections Present coming at two.
Trump
Do I really have to see him?
Hillary
Him?
Don Arrup
Satire1
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