(A grandfather clock chimes twice. Trump peeps out from under covers.)
Trump
How can the Advisor of Elections Present be late? It’s all right now with him.
(Joe Biden pops out the other side of the covers.)
Joe
Sorry, Donnie boy, this bed is so much more comfortable than that cot I had in the VP’s residence. I guess I really am Sleepy Joe.
Trump
Now I’m supposed to listen to you?
Joe
Just leave it in your ear for now, Donnie, you still have almost a month left.
Trump
I beat you.
Joe
In more states than Hillary won last go but not quite enough to beat old Joe.
Trump
How many times did you vote, Joe?
Joe
Donny, I know the Roy Cohn bible. Who do you think persuaded me to come? He’s a difficult man to say no to.
Trump
Nobody says no to Roy Cohn dead or alive. They just think they said no for a while.
Joe
Roy said I could come any way I wanted and since this will be my bed soon-
Trump
You’re naked in my bed?
Joe
Donny, not naked. For crying out loud. Donald. I’m just… natural.
Trump
Where’s Kamala?
Joe
She’s upstairs.
Trump
Upstairs where?
Joe
In bed.
Trump
The First Lady’s bed?
Joe
I guess. I really don’t know. You’d have to ask Roy.
Trump
I want her down here.
Joe
Who doesn’t? She certainly is a beauty.
Trump
The First Lady.
Joe
If you say so, boss. Look, I showered at the club after getting a thorough man wax. Just slide right in your side-
Trump
My side! My side? This is my bed. The president’s bed.
Joe
Well, yes it is. I mean, I was never up here when I was VP but Roy’s good on who what where.
Trump
I’m not getting into bed with you.
Joe
No, Donny, you aren’t getting into bed with me. I’m getting into bed with you. You got into bed with Obama and George and Son and Bill Clinton and all of them all the way back to the first George. Washington. Roy didn’t give me any big speech to make or poem to recite. He said you just needed to see me here.
Trump
You’re telling me Roy Cohn isn’t behind me on this?
Joe
I don’t speak for Roy. The dead have a different perspective then ours on most things.
Trump
What’s Kamala doing in Melania’s bed?
Joe
How should I know? It’s called the Secret Service for a reason.
Trump
Not secret from me. They work for me.
Joe
See, Donny, that’s just it with you. You think you own the United States of America. You don’t. You run the federal government of the United States but the people own it and you work for them.
Trump
I’m an independent contractor and not anyone’s employee.
Joe
I see being president as just the opposite. I work for everybody. Every citizen is my boss.
Trump
What if a citizen sits down in front of your motorcade?
Joe
Then run him the fuck over. I’ve got too many bosses to please to deal with those idiots.
Trump
I want to know what Marge Simpson-
Joe
Who?
Trump
Phony Kamala- Camel Laugh is doing with my—
(Kamala Harris emerges from under the covers between Joe and Trump apparently naked except for a pink mask.)
Joe
Kam, you’re forty five minutes early. I haven’t finished my visit.
Kamala (holding up the covers for Trump to check out)
Does this look like a purple haired cartoon to you?
Trump
I’m just going to slip into my side of the bed.
Kamala
The more the merrier.
Joe
What brought you down here so early?
Kamala
Well, my ears were buzzing with you two talking about me. That, and I had already taken care of Melania.
Trump
What do you mean you already took care of Melania?
Kamala
Well, first I grabbed it just like she likes it.
(Kamala grabs Trump under the covers)
Trump
Mommy!
Joe
Hey, save that for the inaugural.
(Kamala grabs Joe under the covers)
Joe
Scranton!
Kamala
Melania and I were saying how it was just about time for a woman to grab the levers of power. And here I am with my hands full of the present and future p. Some p word. Do either of you have to pee?
Trump
I’m good.
Joe
You’ve got my prostate thinking it’s a fist.
Kamala
I know both of you are wondering what I would do if I were president.
Joe
A great job.
Trump
A hand job.
Kamala
When I’m president wages will go up! And interest rates will go down!
(Joe and Trump groan)
Home ownership up! Homelessness down!
(Her fists follow the lines under the covers)
Reading and math scores soar! While dropout rates drop. Diversity ascends while entitlement descends.
Trump
Do wages and interest rates again.
Joe
No, do math scores.
Kamala
Hemlines rise while necklines plunge.
Trump
Oh, that’s a good one.
Kamala
The Consumer Price Index is sex. My fists bob like the Dow-
Biden
Ow!
Trump
Wow!
Kamala
Industrial Average. Industrial Average. In-dus-tree-all Ave-er-age. Popeye.
(Both Joe and Trump Popeye and pass out. Kamala wipes off her hands on the sheet.)
Maybe I should save it. Old White Men’s last squirt.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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