Supreme Diversity

Sixty years ago, Ruth Bader Ginsberg attended Harvard Law School as one of seven women in a freshman class of five hundred and became a member of the school’s prestigious law review. Her husband’s promotion to New York City brought Brooklyn born Ruth back to finish her law degree at Columbia. Later, she would be initiated into the super secret robed society of the The Supremes which is the enforcing arm of the Universal Cahoots Council of Catholics and Jews which clandestinely controls our species and planet.

Justice Ginsberg, a born a then Jew, was hoping to be joined by another member of her tribe, Merrick Garland, whom President Obama chose to replace recently deceased Roman Catholic Anthony Scalia. But Republicans in the Senate balked at the prospect of a robe from the Mid West. Senator Babel Belt “The Senate has preserved a careful coastal monopoly in the court that can not be sullied by a “tweener” from Illinois. We appreciate that Judge Garland is named after a storied American rifle and is a descendant of Israel but Justice Scalia’s preservation of the secret Constitution will not be undone by one of Obama’s fellow Chicago hoods.”

Concerns across the political spectrum that the Two Law Schools, Two Religions, Two Coasts Court was corrupted by Ginsberg’s migratory judicial education are being stated for the first time in the media by the ruling Oligarchs. “Let the Protestants and Mormons and even Minorities be President and legislators. Nothing they do lasts anyway. But when it comes to the Supremes you’re talking appointments for life.”

“As long as we can keep the Protestants and agnostics battling over blowjobs and bathrooms the Elders of Zion and the Holy See can continue to run the world,” Ginsberg explained. “Rabbi Xi Jinping and Cardinal Putin have provided wonderful distraction on the international front. All the fuss in the Middle East is just jockeying on the part of Muslims to get a better deal for the sand traps. You don’t see the Buddhists making trouble. They know Tibet is for tourists.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Blow Matthew Blow

Hurry hurry hurry Hurricane Matthew

Forty six years ago today Janis Joplin died

For love of Matthew who never bought her albums

Attended her concerts

Or stared at her poster on his wall

The Baltimore Orioles go to Canada today

To face the godless bats of the northern barbarians

Bring Baseball’s best to Baltimore

Where they can reclaim the land as theirs

During the seventh inning stretch

Second Bananas Debate tonight

As if they mattered

Trump and Clinton are too mean to die

Bullets bounce off them

Only the truth stings and the country bleeds

The real president of the United States Kim Kardashian

Was robbed of boobs and booty in a Paris Hotel

Terrorists blew up her celebrity

Toppled her pedestal

Stole the Mercedes Benz the Lord gave her instead of JJ

Russia and the United States aren’t kissing

Columbia kicks its rebels out of bed

Uber has yet another competitor

And the media sells this to us

Calling it news

Don Arrup

Satire1

I Don't Want Your Fat Vote

Former Miss Universe undatable according to Donald. Hillary puts her opponent’s supporters on the pillory. I don’t want their deplorable vote. Don’t sully my sanitary napkin campaign and presidency. I want Bernie’s votes. I want Obama’s.

Enough.

Following this election is like being spanked with a fish. The only reason Donald still has supporters is that he hasn’t had enough time to get to them with his insults. Hillary has support because lies take time to be discovered. 

Neither is as bad as their opponents make them out to be. Almost no one in the history of the species is as bad as their opponents make these two out to be. One is a friend of Putin. The other a friend of Pelosi. Tough call.

Trump and Clinton seem like such buffoons because they are the fun house mirrors of us. Trump’s angry. We’re angry. Clinton feels encroached upon. So do we. They tell us what we want to hear. We tell ourselves what we want to hear. Wall Street is the problem and half of us own stocks. Trade has destroyed us and we stand in line at Walmart. The government has taken us over so where’s my mother’s Social Security check?

In guns we trust. In green we trust. (Money green not sustainable environment. When is global warming going to reach my nuts?) In big houses, big cars, big wallets and breasts.

Hang in there. We’re still America. We’re just not in the pageant this year.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Battle Of The Blondes 2

Hofstra U. Auditorium, 9:26pm September 26 in the last year of the world

Hillary

That is not true. That is not true. I never said I would offer Ms. Lewinsky an ambassadorship if I became president. I said I would consider Monica for a- 

Trump

Is it true you said you do not want to be called Mrs. President?

Hillary

Sounds like the President’s wife.

Trump

And you do not want to be called Madame President?

Hillary

I am not running the White House as a brothel.

Trump

So Bill won’t be living with you?

Hillary

I have mentioned Ms. Monica Lewinsky as a possible candidate among many who I would consider for the new cabinet post I’m proposing, Secretary of Women and Minorities.

Trump

How many white men do you have on your list for that secretaryship?

Hillary

Last time I checked white men were not a minority.

Trump

Thirty one per cent is not a majority.

Hillary

They are the majority of the House, the Senate, the Supreme Court-

Trump

How can you tell? They’re all wearing moo moos. It’s the Transgender Court.

Hillary

And transracial. Justice Kennedy is a black man. Justice Thomas is not.

Trump

So, tell us about this department of bitches and whiners.

Hillary

I’m going to get Monica a job anywhere away from my husband if I have to promote her to Admiral of the furthest fleet. That, or keep her right under my heel.

Trump

Sounds like a plan. Okay, forget the lesbian man moderator. We didn’t come here to be moderate. Nobody wants moderation. Everybody wants more. We’re all pissed off. Rich and poor. Black, Red, Yellow, Brown and White. Forget the moderator. Down to it, Hellary. 

Hillary

What? I’m the devil now?

Trump

No, I’m the Devil and you’re my minion, bought and paid for. 

Hillary

I always keep you in my heart. Donald.

Trump

I’ll show you my tax returns if you show me your lost emails.

Hillary

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours?

Trump

We’re in the corner of the school yard in the teacher’s one blindspot.

Hillary

Where life takes place. 

Trump

So we just continue to show what we’ve shown and consolidate our image into an even grosser cartoon?

Hillary

That won’t end in November.

Trump

I only have to make it through one term and I go into syndication.

Hillary

First thing I’m going to do is pardon myself and then maybe Bill.

Trump

I’m not building a wall.

Hillary

No shit.

Trump

I have a bigger project. This country is going to build a hotel on the Moon.

Hillary

And call it Trump Hotel?

Trump

No, Trump Moon. We’ve had that rock for over fifty years and haven’t done anything with it. 

Hillary

Well, if building a hotel on the Moon was my highest priority I would certainly vote for you.

Trump

I want you to vote for me.

Hillary

Vote for you? How much?

Trump

I have a figure written on my hand.

Hillary

Your hand is too small. No, I spoke too soon. It’s a deal.

Trump

Thought that would impress you.

Hillary

If you get in give Lewinsky an ambassadorship.

Trump

Where do you want her?

Hillary

I don’t know. Mars. Middle Earth. Out of the way.

Trump

If you become president don’t steal my moon idea.

Hillary

Not much chance of that. 

Trump

Because I’ll be running again as a Democrat or third party. Whatever.

Hillary

Well, may the best blonde win.

Don Arrup

Satire1

First Debate

(About mid way through:)

DT

I know you’re a liberated woman-

HC

Do we still use that term? American women liberated ourselves in the early 70’s.

DT

My daughter is going to be President some day.

HC

So is mine.

DT

So you won’t mind if I urinate on you from here.

HC

Excuse me?

DT

For the emails certainly. For Benghazi never.

HC

Are you going to try to urinate on me?

DT

From here. If I can piss that far.

HC

With your small hands?

DT

This is all bladder under my shirt. I’m half German.

HC

What happened to Swedish? Where did your grandparents come from this week?

DT

I’m Swedish through my daughters. The first thing I’m going to do when I get in the White House is legalize blowjobs in the White House.

HC

It is a private residence along with the seat of the executive.

DT

I’m legalizing blowjobs because I’m inviting the leader of every county we have a trade or defense deal with-

HC

If you are referring to treaties that would be over half the countries in the world.

DT

And I will receive them In State, on their knees, making America great again in their mouths.

HC

So this is your dickplomacy?

DT

Merkel will have to do something with her hair.

HC

You want the most powerful politician in Europe to change her hair for one blowjob?

DT

I put on makeup to blow your husband.

HC

What?

DT

Violet Spring eye shadow and candy apple lipstick. I was glad to. He was at the time of fellatio the nation’s president and leader of the free world.

HC

That’s not how I heard it, Lickie Loo.

DT

Merkel needs a new do. 

HC

The combined forces of United States, China and Russia couldn’t get a comb through-

DT

I’m not marching American lives through those follicles-

HC

You’re afraid of women.

DT

I love women.

HC

American dicks are too big- at least since the conclusion of the Second World War. A diet as meat-centric as nomads combined with the grains of an agrarian society. Big, fat, overinflated American phalluses have turned half the world into pussy and the other half into rectum.

DT

What are other countries for? For god’s sake, for mine, why allow other cultures if they don’t serve us? The gas stations around Israel are just that. Nobody told them to stick their religion in our face. They kicked our ass a thousand years ago and now we’re kicking theirs. What’s the problem? 

HC

Well, there are problems and we have to deal with them. You can’t just say anything you want and expect that to fix the world.

DT

Except for popping off a couple of beards with drones and Seals, you and Obama used nothing but words and the whole globe has fallen apart. There isn’t even a Europe anymore. Western Europe is just the waiting room for Third World refuges. Now every poor country thinks they’re Mexico and can just go wherever the beer is colder. 

HC

If you don’t believe in surgical strikes against terror what are you going to do? Carpet bomb the Hajj?

DT

When we have Tomahawk missiles gathering dust in the Arabian Sea?

MODERATOR

We need to take a break for-

HC & DT

Shut the f*#k up!

Don Arrup

Satire1

Say What?

On Friday, August 26 the New York City Taxi and Limousine Commission will cease to test new applicants for English proficiency as a part of their chauffeur license exam. The Councilman who sponsored the bill said that since Uber and Lyft didn’t burden their thugs the city should follow suit and cease to molest prospective cabbies with unreasonable demands like the ability to communicate with riders. 

Satire1, being somewhat familiar with the English language from reading Shakespeare and translating Jane Austin into Valley Girl, ventured out into the streets of New York to find out what New Yorkers had to say about the change.

“You mean, New York taxi drivers were supposed to be able to speak English before this? Since when?”

“I read somewhere that Hillary Clinton could speak English. She had to learn it to go to England a couple of times and there’s like four bathrooms in all of London.”

“There were four bathrooms before The Blitz left Londoners with just one which they call the Loo. They all go down the Tube to do their business whether it’s to blow a fag or open their bumbershoot.”

“I took a class in English in high school and we read about this whoe named Ivan all punked out in armor. Queen Elizabeth Taylor was in the movie and she spoke perfect American.”

“English is like what Klingons and the other ear guys speak on Star Trek. It’s like outer space talk but you can kind of understand it.” 

“A guy in my building speaks English and he lives everyday in the middle of a massacre. Everything’s bloody this and blimey that.”

“Who wants a driver who can understand every intimate secret you and your friends blab on your cell phone?”

“Why would anyone talk to a taxi driver in New York City? No one knows where they are to begin with let alone where they’re going. You hop in a cab in New York just to get the hell away from where you are.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Clean House

The Clinton Foundation announced today that they will no longer accept mob or drug cartel money if Hillary is elected president. “We might also stop accepting funds from foreign governments and corporations since their motives could be suspect,” said wife Bill who will resign from the foundation’s board in order to serve either as first spouse or the two hundred and forty two years for perjury and philandering. 

When asked about the strain on his marriage caused by Hillary’s campaign former president Bill said, “I did not have sex with that woman.”

The State Department concedes that the 400 million in twenties the President had to personally deliver to the Iranian Embassy might have helped grease the recent hostage exchange but Obama categorically denies that his dancing the Tango with all the mullahs present was their idea.

Donald Trump fired his family yesterday and has married/adopted/hired the Kardashians and told them to get some peroxide. The Make America Great Again Circus while be touring Milwaukee, St. Louis and all states south. Tickets can be purchased through Trumpcasino.com. Admission free to fully robed Klans folk and those dressed as Confederate battle standards.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Joke's On Who?

A chorus of fellow politicians and seekers of power chimed in from across the globe and epochs of history to defend Donald Trump’s gaffe about Second Amendment fans dealing with Hillary Clinton.

Benjamin Netanyahu

“Was that Rabin the crowd was calling a traitor and a Nazi? I thought they meant the pizza guy.”

Vladimir Putin

“I don’t know from isotopes.”

Jefferson Davis

“I thought Johnny Booth was just acting.”

Maximilien Robespierre

“Can’t have a revolution without dropping a few heads.”

Pontius Pilate 

“Nobody was more surprised than me when they chose to let Barabbas go.”

Marcus Brutus

“We were just going to show Caesar the knives, you know, to scare him.”

Cain

“You know how brothers are.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trump's First Security Briefing

CIA Liaison Agent Harold Spook

Candidate Trump, my name is XXXX and I am here on behalf of the Central Intelligence Agency to bring you up to speed on the actual state of the nation and world. First, President Barack Obama hasn’t been the President of the United States for over two years.

Trump

What? Was he assassinated and you got a double to show to the public?

Spook

No, he is very much alive. His wife Michelle took over the marriage and office after hubby couldn’t pull off gun control again. 

Trump

She gives a better speech anyway.

Spook

Bill and Hillary Clinton are the same bigender person.

Trump

Who didn’t know that?

Spook

Native Americans, Palestinians, Tibetans, Mexicans and anyone else claiming to be a native people are lying.

Trump

Everybody is from somewhere else.

Spook 

There is not and never was a Hawaii.

Trump

This is what I’ve been saying.

Spook

Canadians eat American babies.

Trump

My next wall.

Spook

Small head babies are caused by watching television novellas. Mosquitos have nothing to do with it or any other ailment including malaria. 

Trump

The British whack off too much anyway.

Spook

ISIS is really just a Middle Eastern boy scout troop. All those nuts are acting on their own.

Trump

I understand you have to keep your funding up.

Spook

Vladimir Putin is one of our agents. We bought Russia in the mid 90’s but use them to spank Merkel and any other European leader who pisses us off. 

Trump

I’ve been saying as much.

Spook

Mexico is responsible for 9/11 and their population is mostly composed of rapists but not all are murders. 

Trump

Stop standing up for them.

Spook

The Moon began disintegrating around the time of our Civil War. There was hardly a trace of it by the First World War. We sent the rockets up to see if we could find any of it. Our spacesuits gave the astronauts wedgies.

Trump

I’ll build a moon. Right after I build the two walls.

Don Arrup

Satire1