Barberswamp 2- Box Six

(Scene: The White House Barber Shop. Kim Jong-Un and Xing Jinping in their red tunics sharpen their razors in unison by their chairs. Kim starts to go faster. Xing stops and watches him.)

Xing

You’re not shaving a pumpkin.

Kim

It will be a pumpkin before I am through.

Xing

I can’t afford to be so reckless. You, you just rent that chair. If you had a stick of furniture in that cave you live in you’d play by the rules.

Kim

Nobody argues with a razor at their throat. 

Xing

One day a customer is going to come in here with his own razor. 

Kim

It’s the eclipse today. Everybody will come in for at least a shave. 

Xing

But you’re planning to give them a haircut too.

Kim

Why have scissors if you don’t want to clip?

Xing

You think the whole world is a clip joint. It took me and my predecessors a lot of hard work and years to get this spot. We only do business with the big boys here. 

Kim

Your Maother left you a fortune. My dad left me a rock and a handful of rockets.

Xing

We’re dealing with Americans here. Get a leggy manicurist with cleavage and talk to the heads about sports while you cut their hair. She takes their eyes. You take their ears. And you’ve got their wallet. 

Kim

I’m not bringing my sister into this shop for your customers to gawk at.

Xing

So steal another Japanese actress.

Kim

A lot of people in my cave are hungry.

Xing

Patience is our trump card. 

Kim

I thought Trump was our trump card.

Xing

Trump’s impatience is our trump card. He’s even more impatient than the other Americans. 

Kim

But Trump is much bolder so I must be bolder still.

Xing

That sounds safe.

Kim

Let the haircuts begin.

Trump (from without)

You Secret Sweethearts take a break. Here’s a few Franklins. Get yourselves some Cherry Cokes and a pizza. Great job keeping me alive. I’ll be done in an hour.

Xing

I’ll take Big Don.

Kim

You wish. Don’s always open to a new deal.

Xing

It’s his house so he doesn’t pay. Did you bring your lunch with you? You don’t have enough coins in your pocket for the candy machine. 

Kim

I’ll bum a cigarette.

Trump (Entering)

Ping Pong. Rocket Man. How are my favorite Italians?

Xing

Happy to see our favorite customer.

Kim

Fuck you.

Trump

My alma mater. Class of 69.

Xing

I have my best chair all ready for you.

Trump

Sounds great, Ping.

Kim

You wouldn’t dare sit in my chair.

Trump

Why not?

Kim

I got it from a Mexican barber shop.

Xing

And he sits everyone in that chair. Even Muslims.

Kim

Menstruating women and Democrats.

Trump

They’re the same thing. Watch my ass. In coming. 

Xing

But Don, you’re the only one I let use this chair. It is the Emperor’s throne. 

Trump

I’m slumming today. So, Rocket Man, do you have a nymphomanicuritst?

Kim

Where I come from everyone’s biting their nails.

Xing

They’re not alone.

Trump

Okay. We’ll just keep it to personal grooming today.

Xing

Aren’t you going to ask Mr. Trump how he wants his hair done?

Kim

That’s his business. I’m taking it right down to the bone. Give him his money’s worth.

Trump

With me everything’s a close shave but I only want a little off the top.

Kim

How much is a little?

Trump

Why are you looking at my hands?

Obama (Entering in basketball shorts and T)

Hey everybody. Ping Pong and Un Yun, my favorite Irishmen. Big D, how’s it hanging?

Trump

The big trunks in Congress are throwing a hissy fit because I’m enforcing the law. 

Obama

And they called my ears big and I can’t hear a thing.

Xing

You don’t listen.

Obama

This is Washington. Nobody listens here. But Don, my party did the same thing to me. If Congress had the balls to pass legislation they’d be stuck with the blame.

Xing

What is the issue?

Trump

Every issue.

(A woman of color with toddler in tow knocks at open shop door)

Madre

Perdon. Perdon, seniors. Do you cut ninos hair?

Xing

If you’re an American, we’ll clip you.

Madre

How about me? Do you have a girl who does senora’s hair?

Trump

Leave the boy here. We’ll see he gets cut.

Madre

But where do I go?

Trump

Security!

(Two Security Sweethearts in black suits and mirrored sunglasses and grab Madre and yank her out.)

Obama

Probably looking for a free hairdo.

(Elder Bush H rolls in in a wheelchair)

Bush H

Where were they taking that mother?

Obama

She’s a woman. Not a mother.

Trump

She’s a criminal. Not a parent.

Xing

She is no more nor no less what we all are in the aggregate. She is a number.

Kim

Why do Americans pretend that they are not just numbers? Age. Income. Net worth. Tax.

Obama

I can remember when race on every application was six boxes and I was only supposed to check one. 

Trump

And “White” was number 5.

Obama

Followed by “Other” at box six.

All

Box Six.

Xing

Get it down to two. Or just admit it. You’re already down to two

Kim

Live or die?

Trump

American or alien,

Obama

American or other.

Trump

And the other is a mother.

Bush H

If you have a kid you have a mother. If she isn’t in the picture then she’s huge. Godzilla.

Trump

We don’t even take care of our own children.

Obama

Amen.

Bush H

Mazilla. Not God. Momzilla.

Trump

If she was a good mother she’d be the First Lady.

Obama

Not my First Lady.

George H

I was married to Barbara...

Trump

Half the countries below our belt are collapsing. If even a tenth of their people climb into our boat we’re sunk.

Obama

Michelle and I have a boat. Michelle’s a good sailor.

Trump

I thought you said Michelle was a good mother.

Obama

I said she was a good lawyer.

Trump

Mothers are so last millennium. You want to get your kid into a good school or a great country you have got a be a good lawyer. 

Bush H

The child is crying.

Trump

He’s afraid we’ll hand him back to that woman.

Obama

God, did any of you spend even a minute raising your children? The child is obviously crying for his lawyer.

Trump

Well, Harvard Review, you’re not working these days.

Obama

I’ve got enough enemies already.

Trump

My people are long over hating you. And there aren’t enough years left in the century to finish bashing Hillary.

Xing

Putin’s girlfriend.

Kim

Who gives the blow jobs?

Xing

That’s Monica. Former First Mistress.

Kim

She should do the bargaining with North Korea.

Obama

I agree. They’re tired of seeing fat white guys with the same proposals.

Kim

She could start on her knees and work her way onto her back from there. 

Trump

Typical State Department procedure.

Obama

I was spread eagle over the entire Middle East. You see what the results are.

George H

Has Congress passed legislation against Mexicans using pennies yet?

Xing

They’re still debating it.

Obama

Depends on how the Trade War with China and NAFTA renegotiations play out.

Trump

I think only African Americans should be able to use pennies. I think Old Abe would have liked it that way. All other people of color will round up.

Obama

You mean you’ll round up all the other people of color.

Kim

I could live here.

Trump

I didn’t say that but I might use it at a rally.

George H

Is that the razor you’re going to shave the president with?

Kim

It’s sharp.

George H

Looks like you got it off a guillotine.

Xing

It’s practically midterms.

Don Arrup

Satire1BARBERSWAMP 2- BOX 6

(Scene: The White House Barber Shop. Kim Jong-Un and Xing Jinping in their red tunics sharpen their razors in unison by their chairs. Kim starts to go faster. Xing stops and watches him.)

Xing

You’re not shaving a pumpkin.

Kim

It will be a pumpkin before I am through.

Xing

I can’t afford to be so reckless. You, you just rent that chair. If you had a stick of furniture in that cave you live in you’d play by the rules.

Kim

Nobody argues with a razor at their throat. 

Xing

One day a customer is going to come in here with his own razor. 

Kim

It’s the eclipse today. Everybody will come in for at least a shave. 

Xing

But you’re planning to give them a haircut too.

Kim

Why have scissors if you don’t want to clip?

Xing

You think the whole world is a clip joint. It took me and my predecessors a lot of hard work and years to get this spot. We only do business with the big boys here. 

Kim

Your Maother left you a fortune. My dad left me a rock and a handful of rockets.

Xing

We’re dealing with Americans here. Get a leggy manicurist with cleavage and talk to the heads about sports while you cut their hair. She takes their eyes. You take their ears. And you’ve got their wallet. 

Kim

I’m not bringing my sister into this shop for your customers to gawk at.

Xing

So steal another Japanese actress.

Kim

A lot of people in my cave are hungry.

Xing

Patience is our trump card. 

Kim

I thought Trump was our trump card.

Xing

Trump’s impatience is our trump card. He’s even more impatient than the other Americans. 

Kim

But Trump is much bolder so I must be bolder still.

Xing

That sounds safe.

Kim

Let the haircuts begin.

Trump (from without)

You Secret Sweethearts take a break. Here’s a few Franklins. Get yourselves some Cherry Cokes and a pizza. Great job keeping me alive. I’ll be done in an hour.

Xing

I’ll take Big Don.

Kim

You wish. Don’s always open to a new deal.

Xing

It’s his house so he doesn’t pay. Did you bring your lunch with you? You don’t have enough coins in your pocket for the candy machine. 

Kim

I’ll bum a cigarette.

Trump (Entering)

Ping Pong. Rocket Man. How are my favorite Italians?

Xing

Happy to see our favorite customer.

Kim

Fuck you.

Trump

My alma mater. Class of 69.

Xing

I have my best chair all ready for you.

Trump

Sounds great, Ping.

Kim

You wouldn’t dare sit in my chair.

Trump

Why not?

Kim

I got it from a Mexican barber shop.

Xing

And he sits everyone in that chair. Even Muslims.

Kim

Menstruating women and Democrats.

Trump

They’re the same thing. Watch my ass. In coming. 

Xing

But Don, you’re the only one I let use this chair. It is the Emperor’s throne. 

Trump

I’m slumming today. So, Rocket Man, do you have a nymphomanicuritst?

Kim

Where I come from everyone’s biting their nails.

Xing

They’re not alone.

Trump

Okay. We’ll just keep it to personal grooming today.

Xing

Aren’t you going to ask Mr. Trump how he wants his hair done?

Kim

That’s his business. I’m taking it right down to the bone. Give him his money’s worth.

Trump

With me everything’s a close shave but I only want a little off the top.

Kim

How much is a little?

Trump

Why are you looking at my hands?

Obama (Entering in basketball shorts and T)

Hey everybody. Ping Pong and Un Yun, my favorite Irishmen. Big D, how’s it hanging?

Trump

The big trunks in Congress are throwing a hissy fit because I’m enforcing the law. 

Obama

And they called my ears big and I can’t hear a thing.

Xing

You don’t listen.

Obama

This is Washington. Nobody listens here. But Don, my party did the same thing to me. If Congress had the balls to pass legislation they’d be stuck with the blame.

Xing

What is the issue?

Trump

Every issue.

(A woman of color with toddler in tow knocks at open shop door)

Madre

Perdon. Perdon, seniors. Do you cut ninos hair?

Xing

If you’re an American, we’ll clip you.

Madre

How about me? Do you have a girl who does senora’s hair?

Trump

Leave the boy here. We’ll see he gets cut.

Madre

But where do I go?

Trump

Security!

(Two Security Sweethearts in black suits and mirrored sunglasses and grab Madre and yank her out.)

Obama

Probably looking for a free hairdo.

(Elder Bush H rolls in in a wheelchair)

Bush H

Where were they taking that mother?

Obama

She’s a woman. Not a mother.

Trump

She’s a criminal. Not a parent.

Xing

She is no more nor no less what we all are in the aggregate. She is a number.

Kim

Why do Americans pretend that they are not just numbers? Age. Income. Net worth. Tax.

Obama

I can remember when race on every application was six boxes and I was only supposed to check one. 

Trump

And “White” was number 5.

Obama

Followed by “Other” at box six.

All

Box Six.

Xing

Get it down to two. Or just admit it. You’re already down to two

Kim

Live or die?

Trump

American or alien,

Obama

American or other.

Trump

And the other is a mother.

Bush H

If you have a kid you have a mother. If she isn’t in the picture then she’s huge. Godzilla.

Trump

We don’t even take care of our own children.

Obama

Amen.

Bush H

Mazilla. Not God. Momzilla.

Trump

If she was a good mother she’d be the First Lady.

Obama

Not my First Lady.

George H

I was married to Barbara...

Trump

Half the countries below our belt are collapsing. If even a tenth of their people climb into our boat we’re sunk.

Obama

Michelle and I have a boat. Michelle’s a good sailor.

Trump

I thought you said Michelle was a good mother.

Obama

I said she was a good lawyer.

Trump

Mothers are so last millennium. You want to get your kid into a good school or a great country you have got a be a good lawyer. 

Bush H

The child is crying.

Trump

He’s afraid we’ll hand him back to that woman.

Obama

God, did any of you spend even a minute raising your children? The child is obviously crying for his lawyer.

Trump

Well, Harvard Review, you’re not working these days.

Obama

I’ve got enough enemies already.

Trump

My people are long over hating you. And there aren’t enough years left in the century to finish bashing Hillary.

Xing

Putin’s girlfriend.

Kim

Who gives the blow jobs?

Xing

That’s Monica. Former First Mistress.

Kim

She should do the bargaining with North Korea.

Obama

I agree. They’re tired of seeing fat white guys with the same proposals.

Kim

She could start on her knees and work her way onto her back from there. 

Trump

Typical State Department procedure.

Obama

I was spread eagle over the entire Middle East. You see what the results are.

George H

Has Congress passed legislation against Mexicans using pennies yet?

Xing

They’re still debating it.

Obama

Depends on how the Trade War with China and NAFTA renegotiations play out.

Trump

I think only African Americans should be able to use pennies. I think Old Abe would have liked it that way. All other people of color will round up.

Obama

You mean you’ll round up all the other people of color.

Kim

I could live here.

Trump

I didn’t say that but I might use it at a rally.

George H

Is that the razor you’re going to shave the president with?

Kim

It’s sharp.

George H

Looks like you got it off a guillotine.

Xing

It’s practically midterms.

Don Arrup

Satire1

It Takes A Village To Spank A Child

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi announced today that the Democrats in both the House and Senate are submitting legislation to separate all minors within and on the borders of United States from their parents in order to more equitably distribute resources among them. 

“Now that President Trump has finally realized that backtracking on securing our borders is the only strategy acceptable to the American people every child of caring parents in South and Central American will be en trek to our southern border claiming spankings and denial of television,” said ex-Speaker Pelosi. 

“The physicians attending the children housed in our aluminum foil factories report severe deficiencies of pizza, sugar, corn syrup and Skittles. There has been some concern that many of these children have been getting by almost exclusively on vegetables, whole grains and dairy products and are developing symptoms of reverse diabetes, a condition that often deteriorates into good health.”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer added “Removing American children from their parents is just the first step in creating a more just and equitable society. Children under eighteen should be in school and will now live there as well. Parents may contribute to funds designed to supplement the facilities of all of a district’s schools. Contact with the results of their previous sexual activity will only foster the prejudice for the children who most resemble them and has always been the main barrier to equal opportunity.”

Former Arkansas First Lady Hilary Clinton took a different track on the controversy. “It is true that our Constitution protects the rights of property owners over fundamental human rights like freedom and cable TV and we addressed part of that imbalance in the Thirteenth Amendment which abolished slavery. But no one has sought to emancipate the world’s most universally oppressed minions: minors.”

“Since the Constitution only recognizes those of eighteen years and more as complete human beings almost a third of humanity and our population are disenfranchised until they have been broken by a relentless exposure to reality which no age group in America or elsewhere handles well.”

President Reject Clinton along with a number of Republican Senators purposes that those under so called “legal” age stop being coddled by families and government and instead be protected by legislation meant to end discrimination against children from holding most jobs and political offices. 

“We can start with federal agencies abolishing minimal age requirements and the military could draft those boys and girls who have graduated kindergarten but have yet to establish a viable career path.”

Former President Obama pointed out that he experienced  infinitely more limitations and humiliations when he was an infant than he did as an African American man. “Not only were family members and friends stuffing food I didn’t choose into my face but anyone with cold hands in the room could just whip my diaper off and wipe whatever god gave me without my consent.”

Pelosi added “I’m a grandmother and I’m telling you that families are cells, soviets to be exact. Families are not democracies. They’re at best benevolent Communist dictatorships and at worst fascist totalitarian dystopias beyond anything imagined in George Orwell and Margret Atwood’s nightmares.”

Some conservative columnists and think tanks have counter proposed rotating all children through chains of volunteer married couples who may have already structured their lives to provide for offspring. Each chain would consist of a representative sampling of the different religions, races, sexual preferences, party affiliations and economic levels of their region. Then every four to five years the children would be bussed to another region of the country or to one of the border holding pens.

“I don’t think there is anything better we could do for our country and for our future than ending the birth lottery and offering universal, equitable, free market national foster care like they’ve been doing so successfully on Mars and Jupiter for millenniums,” said soon to retire Senator John McCain.  

Obama

We can not allow children to be continuously oppressed by the expectations and ambitions their progenitors burden them with. It is a conceit of biology that has otherwise reasonable and responsible citizens degenerating into parenthood.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Barberswamp 1

(The White House barbershop. Vladimir Putin is in his white barber’s tunic sharpening his razor on a strap when his assistant Jerkhov enters with a gallon container of honey gold pomade.)

Jerkhov

Will this be enough, Fearless Leader?

Putin

He’s been in Florida.

Jerkhov

I’ll get another gallon.

Putin

Probably all that’s left of his follicles.

Jerkhov

Obama’s coming in at three but Bush senior had to cancel. I can’t figure why he still schedules here in his condition.

Putin

Can’t pass up a free haircut.

Jerkhov

DT’s in the hall.

Trump (Entering)

No, no, no. No security in the barbershop. Vlad, Jerk, how are my favorite Italians? 

Putin

La Dolce Vita.

Jerkhov

Il tuo tortellini.

Trump

A little off the top. A little off the chin. Roto-Rooter the orifices. Got any big tits to do my nails?

Putin

We’re not lawyers. 

Trump

How about that nympho manicurist Bill likes?

Putin

C cup if you call that big. 

Trump

Stormy spoiled me but I’m only looking at the top of her head.

Putin

We must have the nuclear codes before we can put the apron on you.

Trump

Got them right here on my cell. Hope I didn’t Tweet them again.

Jerkhov

This second code isn’t responding.

Trump

Don’t worry about it. We’re in the process of changing the codes. Something about a security breech.

Putin

Impossible!

Jerkhov

Propaganda!

Trump

Fake bureaucratic crap. Try this list I keep in my wallet. 

Jerkhov

This is working out.

Putin

How long do you want the sideburns and where are you sending the Seventh Fleet?

Trump

Same as last time and the China Sea near North Korea.

Jerkhov

That’s no good.

Trump

Hey, we’re going to talk eventually but you get a better ear in Un town when you have world’s largest flotilla bumping the shores. 

Putin

Where are the sailors going to get laid?

Trump

It’s Korea. You can’t swing a dead diplomat without hitting a Korean massage pallor.

Jerkhov

But King Commie Un might interpret the penetration of the United States Navy into Korean vaginatory as an act of aggression. 

Trump

Since when is penetration aggression?

Putin

Since you went to military school.

Trump

I was always on top at New York Academy.

Putin

Don’t stumble or the only thing longer than the fall you’ll take is the line that will form behind you when you land.

Jerkhov

Don’t stumble.

Putin

It’s practically summer. Like us to lighten up on the pomade and what’s your next move in Syria?

Trump

That’s a very serious question. I don’t expect you to make my hair bullet proof but it should be able to withstand a rock or a teapot. And I’ll threaten the Russians with a new Cold War and then do the same nothing Obama did. Speaking of which...

(Enter Obama in a light blue golf shirt and loud plaid pants.)

Obama

Donny T! Back from Florida I see. 

Trump

Which I won by 11 points. 

Obama

We must read different newspapers. Vlad. Jerk.

Putin

Bar rack.

Jerkhov

Big O.

Obama

And you guys were talking some Syria us shit.

Trump

Things have changed a lot in that part of town.

Obama

I’ll say. Jerk, is that manicurist Bill likes available?

(Jerkhov indicates Trump has dibs)

Putin

You were making a mistake interfering with Russia’s ally.

Obama

If I was a betting man three years ago I would have put all my money on ISIS to take the region. This year they probably won’t even make the playoffs.

Putin

Turkey will be the wild card. 

Trump

The Kurds.

Obama

They aren’t going away.

Putin

Anyone think it could be Mother Russia who comes out on top?

Trump

They might get out alive.

Jerkhov

You don’t think the Russians can achieve their goal?

Obama

After you’re in the Middle East for a few years you realize getting out alive is your only goal.

(Enter Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller dressed in maintenance grey sweeping up. The others boo, spit and throw things at him.) 

Obama

He looks familiar. Did I know him?

Trump

Bobby Mule. Used to be part of the handgun and sunglasses set.

Obama

Security?

Trump

Snitch. Wants to stick his head up your ass to see what’s for dinner. 

Obama

Probably one of my appointments. 

Jerkhov

You missed a spot, under the shampoo chair, you worthless mule.

Trump

Mule’s been around. Around and around. Sweeping up after the rest of us who get things done.

Obama

Hey Don.

Trump

Yes, Mr. Never Was Born Here.

Obama

What do think would have happened if you could have gotten rid of the Affordable Care Act on the first vote?

Trump

The party base would be happy and McConnell and the leadership would have shit their pants. 

Obama

Beware of what you wish for.

Jerkhov

Like the presidency?

(Trump and Obama and Putin laugh until they hear Mueller chuckle)

Trump

I don’t like that guy.

Obama

He’s a Republican.

Trump

How can you tell?

Obama

He has a job.

Trump

What if he’s a spy?

Obama 

Then he has two jobs and is probably Hispanic. 

Trump

Hey, Mule. Come over here. 

Mule 

Yes, Mr. President.

Trump

Empty out your pockets. Let’s see what you got. Yeah, right there on the third chair.

Obama

You play marbles?

Mule

I lost my marbles. I just have this one Black Eyed Susan.

Trump

The all seeing eye.

Putin

The empty socket.

Obama

Glass balls. Vlad, how is it that you can cut black hair and white boy hair?

Putin

I cut your mother’s hair. Every president gets the same haircut from Val.

Don Arrup

Satire1

May Roundup

Roseanne Barr was arrested by the border patrol today while she was accompanying fifteen hundred brotherhood monkeys attempting to cross into the United States from Canada. The comedienne and recent Tweety Bird casualty said she was starting a village in the Dakotas to build an audience for her next attempt to revive her Conner family sitcom in 2036.

In the presence of her lawyer, Roseanne admitted that her plan was a little far fetched but that religious minorities and simians of color do breed well in captivity. She blamed her sleep aid Ambien for the logistics. 

“No pill helps you sleep,” said Barr. “Ambien just puts you in Canada for the night.”

New York mayor Bill something along with the NYC Chamber of Commerce, Disney, the New York Times, New York Newsday and the league of Broadway Producers have agreed to move Times Square to San Juan, Puerto Rico to save on electric bills. Though economists are predicting a fall off in sales and attendance of roughly 99% tourism is expected to increase in the next decade as the island crawls back into the mid twentieth century. 

“It’s about time we stop pretending New York City and Puerto Rico are two different places,” said some tall DeBlasio guy. “Haven’t you people seen Hamilton?”

Russian journalist Arkady Babchenko emerged from the grave yesterday to explain to his fellow journalist that his death was all part of a sting operation. Unfortunately, the widely publicized resurrection led to a tidal wave of fake murder victims returning to the limelight. 

Former President John Kennedy who just celebrated his one hundred and first birthday on Wednesday wheeled out of The Old Presidents Never Die Nursing Home in Gettysburg, PA. Kennedy said he actually survived the two head shots but needed fifty years to grow his hair back. He regrets telling Jackie to marry some Eurotrashaire if she still wanted to party. 

Former Teamsters Mob Boss Jimmy Hoffa (105) married aviator Amelia Earhart (131) thirty years ago when he came across her on a deserted island in the middle of the city of Los Angeles. They’ve lived relatively quiet lives avoiding social media and flatulent neighbors. 

President Trump’s tariffs on goods manufactured in New Jersey begins tonight. Tomatoes, corn and straw hats will be slapped with a 25% tariff to protect pizzerias and aging Cuban Americans in New York City and Connecticut. 

Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller is being sued by The People’s Republic of China for completely ignoring their interference in the 2016 elections. “It’ll go down as the greatest injustice of the new millennium,” said China’s president Xi Jing Ping Pong. “The last elections were fueled by rice and fireworks.”

Samantha Bee Goode of Full Frontal apologized yesterday for referring to the First Daughter as a  “feckless c#nt.” The comedienne explained, “That’s just how we Canadians refer to all rich American princesses.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

In Memorium

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this blog and others like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Sonny

When the House Committee on Agriculture exposed the current Secretary of Agriculture George Erwin “Sonny” Perdue yesterday as a former veterinarian and animal ventriloquist the White House scrambled to replace the cabinet position before the fake news hounds smelled another appointment boner. Extensive documentation including admissions, tuition payments, transcripts and license prove that Sonny, a former governor of Georgia, once made a living performing nonconsensual acts on innocent pets and livestock.

“You can call it insemination or just plain old fashioned rape for all I care,” said Representative Ted Yoho (R-FL). “Few animals have cell phones or even the digits to participate in this digital age but if they could talk how many Rovers, Buffies and Elsies would #MeToo this Sonny Boy?”

“A lot of these horse doctors are going around referring to themselves as “vets” who never even served a day in the military,” said Rep. Marcia Fudge (D-OH). “At least Governor Perdue served as a captain in the Air Force which is almost like being in the military.”

“I’d rather entrust my horse and chickens health to someone who was in uniform than one of these latex gloved Lotharios,” said Rep. Don Bacon (R-NE). 

Animal husbandry goes back to the Papyrus of Kahun in Ancient Egypt but so many animal “husbands” have taken their title too literally since.  It wasn’t until 1762 that zoophiles used the cover of science and medicine to create the Veterinary School of Lyon. Claude Bourgelat, a notorious “horse lover” in decadent pre Revolution France, reasoned that farmers, soldiers and transporters would happily share their “booty” if the animals were returned well fed and groomed. By the early nineteenth century veterinary schools and hospitals (bestiality brothels) were established in London, Boston, New York and Philadelphia claiming to treat infertility and cattle maladies. 

Complicating Secretary Perdue’s original choice of profession are the multitude of allegations of discrimination to go along with the abuse. “There’s a reason why I’ve never been able to wear pants,” said Donald Duck. “Irritable Bowel Syndrome and I’ve got a prostate gland the size of a grapefruit. Mickey told me to see his guy Doc Sunny so I went to his office only to find out that he only does star-toons not cartoons.”

“I tried setting up a joint conference with my M.D. and Doctor Perdue to deal with my lycanthropy (Werewolfism),” said Lawrence Talbot. “He agreed but never contacted my internist and just tied me down before the moon came out. Things got pretty hairy after that.”

Sonny was elected to the state senate as a veterinarian Democrat throughout the 90’s but as Jimmy Cater’s fame dimmed and the Donkey’s millennium passed Sonny crossed the aisle to become Georgia’s first Republican governor since Gone With The Wind. With only the usual amount of conflict of interest maneuvers for a southern politician Sonny and his wife Mary were among the nation’s leading advocates for foster children and helped raise many along with their four offspring. 

In consideration of Sonny and his wife’s tireless advocacy for needy children, Attorney General Jeff Sessions has forgone the usual Justice Department investigation and offered Sonny a simple trial by firing squad to take place Friday morning. Open free to the public. Location to be texted to waiting list one hour before the bang.

“How long will our country tolerate rape, in the guise of medical treatment, of the animals God has entrusted to our care?” asked Darren Soto (D-FL). “Probably as long as we tolerate the rape of the planet God entrusted to us and pretend that we don’t treat many of our citizens like beasts.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Freak Out

As the island of Puerto Rico experiences its second black out in six months the Fake Media led by The New York Lies, Washington Poop and White Street Journal have been attributing the disaster to a “freak” accident. National television liescasts from CBS (Corporate Bull Shit) to out-Foxed News repeated the accusation until human curiosities and assorted carnies across the country began to feel guilty.

So while our half brothers and sisters on the island protectorate suffer and blame the grotesquely unique for their plight, Satire1 went sixty blocks north to the capital of Puerto Rico in Washington Heights, Manhattan to find out exactly who was to blame.

Three Legged Hombre

“I wasn’t anywhere near the island and have never been there. I’ve been in carnivals for four decades and I’ve never heard of PR as part of the circuit.”

Pinhead Jose

“What? Are people trying to blame us for everything that screws up again? What is this, the Middle Ages?”

Bearded Bianca 

“I started to use my toaster when the microwave was still on but our building was back on line before my telenovela came on.”

Francisco Fartisteo

“Hey, I’ve already apologized for the BP Gulf spill and Hurricane Maria. I’m Hispanic and I’m a freak but this last thing was not me.”

Mono Muchacha (Monkey Girl) Maria

“I sent mi madre a big air conditioner through Amazon and if that blew the island out you got to split the blame between me and Jeff Bezos who’s more geek than freak. It would have to be called a freak-geek accident.”

Lobster Hands Lorenzo

“When God made Adam and Eve they must have been babies raised by baboons and tigers. Or perhaps lovingly by cranes and snakes. Somebody got pussy. Sky purple as a black eye. Water and wind whip up and raise cane. Not sugar cane. Hurry cane. Before electricity it used to blow out the coconuts.”

Gigante Gabriela

“Maria was the ultimate blow job. Winds up to fifteen year olds an hour. Soaking rain followed by dry showers. And heat. And thirst. Slowly isolation crept to your doorstep. Without electricity nights were nude. Stars long absent proved prodigal and returned with palms out. Children dreamed of animals instead of digital phantoms. Women and men were subjugated by their own flesh in hours so dark even Eve would be lost in them. Then FEMA came with water bottles and box lunches.”

Macho Miniatura

“I’m a man and I’m to blame because women are unhappy. I’m middle aged and the state of the country and the world is my fault. I’m Hispanic and I compete with Blacks for housing, jobs and women. But most of all I am a freak- the only real minority. Every other so called minority is just in the wrong location. Freak means you’re alone everywhere. That’s why we always get the blame.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Give Me An A

As the West Virginia Senate held out against the public school teachers demands for a five percent raise, schools across the state had been closed for almost two weeks and public opinion was turning against the educators. It was looking like fourth down and long for the third lowest paid teachers in the country when the National Football League Baltimore Ravens Cheerleading Squad stormed the steps of the Capitol Building rallying the exhausted educators and turning the cameras and the nation’s attention back on.

Governor James C. Justice was caught off guard by the spirit squad especially since West Virginia doesn’t have an NFL team to cheer. “Doesn’t matter,” said Dipsey Noodle, head cheerleader and choreographer for the squad. “We go wherever our fans are.”

In the spring of 1954, the recently reincarnated Baltimore Colts formed a marching band along with baton twirlers and dancers that were effectively the original NFL cheerleading squad. This action was taken in response to the landmark Supreme Court decision Brown vs The Board of Education which was handed down that May. Drawing on the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment the decision ended enforced racial segregation of schools and collegiate athletic elitism.

The meteoric rise of college football in the 1920’s threatened America’s more democratic pastime, Baseball. Professional football teams and leagues were formed to represent blue collar towns and cities but they never had the glamor or tradition of the college game. So in the fall of 54, with the United States now threatening their citizenry with universal education the need for violent gladiatorial contests coupled with thigh wide gyrations were needed on both Saturdays and Sundays to get America through its now pedagogical autumns. 

The country’s two largest teachers unions, National Education Association (Ned Ass) and The American Federation of Teachers (Whup Ass), recognizing that cheerleaders were basically doing the same job and working toward the same goal formed a discrete alliance with professional football spirit squads. 

Though the two professions have secretly worked in tandem to educate and pacify the masses for more than fifty years it was not until the West Virginia Teachers Strike that anyone realized the power of the Cheerteacher Alliance. With teachers and cheerleaders across the nation enduring substandard and often dangerous situations in their workplaces, forced to provide their own materials and uniforms and often treated with disrespect by those they serve the “wildfire” that some politicians have declared is sweeping the south and west is unlikely to be put out anytime soon. 

Satire 1 alone has pointed out that the only factor all the states with teachers in rebellion share besides low pay, under funded schools and raids on their pensions is the absence of NFL representation. Though Arizona has the NFL Cardinals it has not been apart of the United States since its absorption into Greater Northern Mexico twenty years ago.

Kentucky and Oklahoma have turned down NFL expansion teams for years for fear of radicalizing their teachers. Both states figure huge in college basketball and football but student cheer squads tend to be more gymnastic than Vegas and have a balance of men and women. Only the heroic Baltimore Ravens squad reflects the collegiate ideal. Presidents Eisenhower (West Point), Reagan (Eureka), FDR (Harvard) and both Bushes (Yale) were cheerleaders. None wore go-go boots.

As the teachers unions press state legislatures for higher pay and benefits rumblings through the hall of academia are mostly over the near serfdom suffered by the all women spirit squads of the NFL. Minimum wage for games, no pay for constant rehearsing, Aunt Asshole rules controlling the cheerleaders behavior on and off the field. One rulebook even instructing shaving techniques and the preferred usage of tampons.

When First Lady Melania Trump heard that the cheerleaders for most teams had to immerse themselves into the tailgates and stands to sell raffle tickets and calendars and take pictures with drunken fans she asked Donald to get legislation passed so that both cheerleaders and teachers could carry guns. Where most teachers cry out “there ain’t no cannon big enough” to protect them from students a number of cheerleaders have expressed interest in Uzis and other manageable machine pistols. 

The super secret mystery chat site of the Cheerteachers movement is said to be Pom-Poms and Pencils featuring debates on federal grants for superior scholastic weaponry and allowances for ammunition. Many cheerleaders and teachers also want the right to act like sluts even when they’re not in schools and stadiums.

“We won’t be satisfied until Debbie does Dallas, Charleston, Louisville and Oklahoma City,” said Our Miss Brooks.  

“Little does the public appreciate what it takes to perform in front of a group, using every tool at your disposal to focus their attention, whip up their enthusiasm, take them step by step, yard by yard as they tackle their assignments, move their projects down the field, through their doubts and fears through distractions and confusions to rally them again and keep them in the game until they reach their goal. Give me an L! Give me an E! Give me an A, R, N, I-N-G!”

“What’s that spell?”

Democracy

Don Arrup

Satire1