D.C. Spelling Bee

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, how do you spell Trumpcare?

Mitch

T-A-X-C-U-T

Correct!

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, how do you spell Obamacare?

Nancy

D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R

Correct!

House Speaker Paul Ryan, how do you spell Freedom Caucus?

Paul

E-N-E-M-I-E-S

Correct!

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, how do you spell Wall Street?

Chuck

M-A-S-T-E-R

Correct! 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Heart of Queens (or He Said, He Said)

Comey testimony Comey testimony Comey testimony

His Blondness blood orange with rage

Steps on the stage

Reporter pool turbulence

Silence

Big Jowls stares down the crowd

Great suits worn like pajamas

Blinding white shirts

Cotton candy colored tie

Why?

Comey testimony Comey testimony Comey testimony

I didn’t say that

How could I?

I don’t know the man

He lied

FBI is just fib spelled forward

And he’s taller than me

That’s too tall

More famous

Not right

Comey testimony Comey testimony Comey testimony

Don’t leave me alone with him

He’s Bill Cosby

He flies on airplanes

He’ll grab me by my integrity

The former director pleaded

To Crimson Tide AG

Himself trying to resign

And get back his Bama seat

Comey testimony Comey testimony Comey testimony

I’m not the liar

I have memos and friends

To leak for me

Lord let there be tapes

Secretary of Blind Statue

Juggles the scales and lifts the fold

Answers softballs but ducks major league

No privilege needed in amnesia

Comey testimony Comey testimony Comey testimony

Nothing happened

There’s been no betrayal

And that’s why it’s impossible

To cover the trail

 Sessions confessions Sessions confessions Sessions con

Don Arrup

Satire1

I Did Not Have Sex With That Diplomat

When President Trump held his meeting with the Russian Ambassadors last month the western press was excluded. Only later when the pictures from the political orgy were released online by the Russian news and porn service TASS (T & Ass) did the full scandal begin to unfold.  

Sergey (pronounced Sure Gay) Lavrov, the Russian Foreign Minister and Sergey Kislyck (Pronounced Kiss Lick) the Russian Ambassador to the United States were in a menage a trois with General Flynn who was widely known as the biggest slut in the Penthouseagon. When President Trump chose Flynn to be National Security Adviser he realized almost immediately but already too late that hiring Flynn made him a pimp. 

Since the mainstream liberal media of Fox and Limbaugh remain transfixed on their fetishes of national security, taxes and power shifts in Washington, it falls to small unread blogs like Satire1 to excavate the truth on important matters like who’s getting some and from whom. So we turn to our usual suspects and experts on matters political and discrete.

Professor Bert Boner, Wharton Business School

“On The Apprentice our alum Trump ran a reality TV business brothel. Now President Trump and his son in law see the opportunity to set up a Club Med style super brothel resort on the Black Sea to cash in on the sex tourism trade. The main attraction is a V.I.P. only super exclusive inner ring to be called ‘The President’s Pants.’ Can you get in The President’s Pants?”    

Madame Sophie, proprietor of Madame Sophie’s Erotic Rub Hut, Baltimore, Md

“I’m glad to see the President take his trade overseas. Hard for us little house whoes to compete with the big box brothels. I’ve got nearly a dozen Korean and Mexican girls here from 30 different countries but I can’t compete with the United Nations.”

Julius Caesar, retired Emperor of Rome

“What’s all this about Trump playing me in Central Park? Is he in the actor’s union?”

Sweeney Horn, regular john at northern Virginia and D.C. brothels

“Of course Big Don wants to pop his Black Sea cherry. We know what kind of women he likes. Who’d have guessed that Barbie Doll was really named Natasha? No wonder our women never get over their Mattel hells and we say we won the Cold War.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

In Memorium

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this blog and others like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Come Hang With Me

President Trump has been inviting fellow heads of state to hang out at Margo La La Go Go. Even his critics admit they are the best soirees since Hugh Hefner lived in Chicago.

President Duterte of the Philippines picks up the phone

Trump

Hey, President Duterte, this is Big Donald. Congratulations on what a great job you and your people are doing slaughtering the drug gangs. Way to get the job done. You’re welcome. The press over here distorts everything. Killing drug gangsters isn’t murder. It’s extermination. You’re the long over due exterminator. Hey, I know Arnold. If we can talk him into joining you you two could be the Exterminator and the Terminator.  

Si, si. My wife does like that. All my wives like that. I don’t know any wife who wouldn’t. Now I don’t know. With a wooden leg might present a problem. You know who you remind me of? That’s right. How did you know that? I didn’t tweet that and forget? Mayor Rizzo was your model. Yeah, I agree. The Philippines and Philadelphia do have an awful lot in common. 

No, I am not going to bust your balls over naval bases. It’s beach front property. We can’t afford them and the wall. Hey, let me let you in on a secret. When I get the funding- and I will get the funding- no problem- I’m going to hire the Chinese to build it. Yeah, the wall. Have you seen their wall? Even I was impressed. Of course, we want our wall bigger and longer. I mean China might have the Great Wall but America will have the Trump Wall. And that will get Xi Xi out of Africa for a while. The Chinese are everywhere on that continent where there isn’t shooting. 

Thanks, Melania and I would be honored to be your guests- after you finish the drug bug bomb. But for right now I’d like to invite you and your charming wife to Margo La La Go Go for a weekend away from the massacre. Do you play golf?

Don Arrup 

Satire1 

Ping Pong Un

Chinese President Xi Jing Ping Pong called North Korean Commie King Kim Chub-un

Ping

Kimmie baby, how’s it hanging?

Un

The generals? They’re swinging guys since sunrise.

Ping

I’m sure some of them preferred execution to retirement.

Un

Want me to fire off another dud missile?

Ping

Cool it for a while, Un Bun. Trump’s chumps told their navy to leave our new islands alone.

Un

You mean those sandboxes you threw in the middle of the ocean and dumped enough more to sit an old biplane on?

Ping

Oceanic acquisition. If the Americans let these recent ones go we’ll build an archipelago down and across the Pacific which we’ll rename the Greater China Sea. You’ll be able to spit off the beach of Hawaii and Australia and hit our territorial waters. 

Un

Hey Ping Pong, how long do I have to keep up this enfant terrible bit up? 

Ping

Just until we buy up the rest of America’s resorts and high tech companies. About ten years. 

Un

Trump really is making China great again. 

Ping

Yeah, even faster than Obama. And Putin thought he held all the strings when he put him in.

Un

Aren’t you going to let the Russians have anything?

Ping

They can have Syria. 

Un

The only country outside Africa that is a bigger mess than mine.

Ping

Hey, whose army has bigger hats? 

Un

I’d like to at least change my do.

Ping

The Asian Elvis ducktail is the key to your illusion. You and Trump have the same hairdo. International stability depends upon it. Surely your grand paw and dad told you that image is the only real power there is. 

Un

But I’m over thirty-

Ping 

Hitler without his mustache looked like butcher’s assistant. 

Un

Instead of the biggest butcher in history.

Ping

He gave the industrialists everything they wanted and the industrialists gave his generals everything they wanted. It was a perfect system.

Un

But I don’t have an affluent minority to rob and enslave. 

Un

You already own all the richest ones in Asia. 

Ping

We don’t poach in South Korea. You’ve got plenty of fat hens to pluck.

Un

I miss sticking my hands in Obama’s pants.

Ping

I miss W’s cowboy jeans. Everything Donald has is in his back pocket.

Un

And he doesn’t carry cash.

Ping

He’d be happy to write you a check.

Un

Yeah, right.

Don Arrup

Satire1

The Mother Of All Blonds

Xi Jing Ping Pong Ball

A date with Donald Hairdo

In Margo ala Go Go

Vlad seeing Red

Didn’t he make Donnie Prom Queen?

Kim stewing in his Kim Chee

Wasn’t wearing his low back tunic

And Asian Elvis Wannabe

If he is never asked to Florida

Where is he to go?

I’ll send him boats

Pretty planes, brass faced admirals

With scrambled eggs on their brows

Spies in sky and trench coat

D(D)T promised

But Kim Chee is feeling dumped

Though he and Donald were never really

Both put the starch in upstart

Thumbed their nose at sky and everything below

And have new clear ambitions

Bromance Brit is getting divorced

Glory past and Lizzie’s tired

Since the Iron Handbag died

Brit’s been losing weight

And looking more like Candy to the north

Dropped a big hello on camel town

Made sure all our friends tucked away

Heard our greeting

As we drone on and on

About making the world safe for plutocracy

Don Arrup

Satire1

Korea Doll

President of the People’s Republic of China Xi Jingping called North Korean Commie King Kim Jong-un(hinged)

Xi

Hey, great job scaring Trump during my visit over there.

Kim

No problem. 

Xi

Hey, Kimmie Baby, don’t think we don’t appreciate you jacking off that mock long range missile right after your parade. I know that was really embarrassing for you but it was really effective. The Don tried to cover shitting his pants by acting like he sat on some chocolate cake. 

Kim

Was it the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you’ve ever seen?

Xi

His chef stacked two Entenmann’s and tried to smooth the icing out. It tasted like shit even more than it looked like shit. I thought the first trophy made it.

Kim

I never thought he would swallow the whole ruse so quick.

Xi

Are you kidding? We got Obama to spook him for us.

Kim

How did you get Bam Bam to do that?

Xi

We sat on the videos of him banging his bong in his Senate office.

Kim

How long had you had those?

Xi

Since his first week in the Senate. Before he was there we were there.

Kim

Too bad he could only serve two terms.

Xi

Yeah, Putin has the Blond so we really needed you to get him off the trade swindle.

Kim

Hey, Xi Xi.

Xi

Yeah, Un Bun?

Kim

I’m in one of those moods again.

Xi

What? Like you want to feed your people or something?

Kim

It’s spring. The birds and insects are eating. It makes the people hungry.

Xi

Un Bun, didn’t your daddy tell you- I know your grand pappy did- if you want to mess with the Americans you have to be like the Americans. Have you ever seen an American president who gave the least little shit for his people?

Kim

I know, but they have so much over there.

Xi

Which makes it that much more difficult. They finally figured out letting half their poor starve and overstuff the rest with junk to keep the doctors rich. You’re not quite there yet. A few more nuke extortions but-

Kim

And we don’t have any doctors.

Xi

Kim, we talked about this. If you start training doctors then the people will want hospitals and the doctors will want to prescribe drugs. You don’t want to go there. Even the Americans are sorry they ever thought about it.

Kim

Is Putin going to give Donny a second term?

Xi

When you’ve got a puppet in your pocket you don’t look for new strings.

Don Arrup

Satire1

What Blowjobs Look Like From Outer Space

The photons that bounced off of the bobbing head of Monica Lewinsky as she serviced the forty second president of the United States, in theory, should still be progressing across the Universe, at the speed of light- since photons make up what we call light. 

The paths of the photons could be straight since even our crowded galaxy is still over 99% empty; or their paths could be deflected, bent or even absorbed by planets, moons, asteroids, meteors, cosmic dust clouds and black holes. 

The super secret NASA/Air Force Extraterrestrial Communications Unit released to Satire1 (no better place to keep secrets since absolutely nobody reads it) that both a number of intelligent life forms and idiots very similar to ourselves across the Universe have been enjoying the pornographic political show but are disappointed with its cancellation and replacement with the more Evangelical Monogamy Bush program. The Obamas haven’t even made it to Zaytar X52 yet.

Which leads us to the question: if a head drops on a lap and no one else is there does it make a sound?

There were six scientists who were said to fully understand Einstein’s theories and eight today that might be able to explain how the Universe works with String Theory. Newton was beaned by an apple. Galileo dropped a feather and a cannon ball off of a tower at the same time. Monica dropped her head and lobbed off Hillary’s crown twenty years later.

The fallout of those six blowjobs blanketed the surface of the globe and is still radio and television fodder twenty years later. Monica’s hum jobs are the most celebrated and berated oral sex in history but people didn’t vote for Trump because former first couldn’t take care of business.

Satire1 goes to 42cd Street and First Avenue 

“I didn’t get any ass after 1995 let alone blow jobs and I was still in my forties. I think she was giving Bungalow Bill my blow jobs.”

“There are a finite number of blow jobs possible at any given time. I’m a sexual statistician for the Pentagon and though the number of blow jobs fluctuates over time with the 1970’s under Carter being the blow job blow out of the century down to the meager lip wisps and tickles that pass for fellatio today, it is more than possible- I might even say likely- that Monica’s head could only be in one place at one time.”

“I’m a Second Amendment guy- NRA all the way- and I prefer a woman to suck my guns.”

“You saw Barry Sanders wife? Happy woman, right? You know he dives for crabgrass.”

“In my heart, I believe that Billy Clinton is Billy Clitoris. I think he eats women like the Big Macs we are. I believe he licks us like ice cream, huffs us like heroin and slaps that big ole boy tongue around like he was spanking every mare in the stable with it. I love him for that and kneel down and nod yes, Mr. President everyday in his and Monica’s honor.”

“I’m almost certain that if Monica blew every politician in D.C. there would never had been an impeachment.”

“It was one of our country’s greatest moments. I have no doubt about that now. I mean, nobody’s gravestone says I got too much head.”

Don Arrup

Satire1