House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi announced today that the Democrats in both the House and Senate are submitting legislation to separate all minors within and on the borders of United States from their parents in order to more equitably distribute resources among them.
“Now that President Trump has finally realized that backtracking on securing our borders is the only strategy acceptable to the American people every child of caring parents in South and Central American will be en trek to our southern border claiming spankings and denial of television,” said ex-Speaker Pelosi.
“The physicians attending the children housed in our aluminum foil factories report severe deficiencies of pizza, sugar, corn syrup and Skittles. There has been some concern that many of these children have been getting by almost exclusively on vegetables, whole grains and dairy products and are developing symptoms of reverse diabetes, a condition that often deteriorates into good health.”
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer added “Removing American children from their parents is just the first step in creating a more just and equitable society. Children under eighteen should be in school and will now live there as well. Parents may contribute to funds designed to supplement the facilities of all of a district’s schools. Contact with the results of their previous sexual activity will only foster the prejudice for the children who most resemble them and has always been the main barrier to equal opportunity.”
Former Arkansas First Lady Hilary Clinton took a different track on the controversy. “It is true that our Constitution protects the rights of property owners over fundamental human rights like freedom and cable TV and we addressed part of that imbalance in the Thirteenth Amendment which abolished slavery. But no one has sought to emancipate the world’s most universally oppressed minions: minors.”
“Since the Constitution only recognizes those of eighteen years and more as complete human beings almost a third of humanity and our population are disenfranchised until they have been broken by a relentless exposure to reality which no age group in America or elsewhere handles well.”
President Reject Clinton along with a number of Republican Senators purposes that those under so called “legal” age stop being coddled by families and government and instead be protected by legislation meant to end discrimination against children from holding most jobs and political offices.
“We can start with federal agencies abolishing minimal age requirements and the military could draft those boys and girls who have graduated kindergarten but have yet to establish a viable career path.”
Former President Obama pointed out that he experienced infinitely more limitations and humiliations when he was an infant than he did as an African American man. “Not only were family members and friends stuffing food I didn’t choose into my face but anyone with cold hands in the room could just whip my diaper off and wipe whatever god gave me without my consent.”
Pelosi added “I’m a grandmother and I’m telling you that families are cells, soviets to be exact. Families are not democracies. They’re at best benevolent Communist dictatorships and at worst fascist totalitarian dystopias beyond anything imagined in George Orwell and Margret Atwood’s nightmares.”
Some conservative columnists and think tanks have counter proposed rotating all children through chains of volunteer married couples who may have already structured their lives to provide for offspring. Each chain would consist of a representative sampling of the different religions, races, sexual preferences, party affiliations and economic levels of their region. Then every four to five years the children would be bussed to another region of the country or to one of the border holding pens.
“I don’t think there is anything better we could do for our country and for our future than ending the birth lottery and offering universal, equitable, free market national foster care like they’ve been doing so successfully on Mars and Jupiter for millenniums,” said soon to retire Senator John McCain.
Obama
We can not allow children to be continuously oppressed by the expectations and ambitions their progenitors burden them with. It is a conceit of biology that has otherwise reasonable and responsible citizens degenerating into parenthood.
Don Arrup
Satire1
