First Date Debate

After whatever that was last night on all the major channels Satire1 hit the corner Main and Moose in Flathead County, Montana to find out what voters and viewers thought of ruckus.

Big Booted Woman

“They should have given them food to throw at each other. That or just shown it on HBO where they could have said what they were really feeling.”

Camp Town Popeye

See, this is another example of what we’re losing to Covid. How are two guys supposed to wrestle six feet apart? That, and there was absolutely no call for them to be wearing shirts.”

Kindergarten Teacher

“I didn’t know Trump divorced Melania. And when did he marry Biden? She must have been window dressing for the last election. You didn’t have to watch for even ten minutes last night to see those two have been a couple for a long time.”

Local Pol

“I usually like Chris Wallace’s work but last night was more a job for Oprah. Every time they started to get down to the real problem with their relationship they let policy positions and national interests get in the way. When are they going to get some real counseling?”

Communist Cosmetician 

“I thought the eye pokes and groin kicks were fine but I was sooo disappointed they didn’t get down to what everybody really wanted to see and that was the hair pulling. They’re both wearing wigs. Everybody knows that.”

Mortarboard on Board

“I don’t know why Biden didn’t go after the Trump kids criminal activity. Their whole generation are criminals and what else could they be? We’ve left them a country where nothing is paid for.”

Young Teen with boner

“God yes I watched it. There was nothing else on. And am I glad I can’t vote.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Stop Quacking

The blood orange sun over the Hudson 

Signals just the beginning of the real

Wildfire, hurricane and earthquake season

Presidential election

The plume of smoke that rode the jet stream 

Three thousand miles comes from 

The wonderful world of color

And manipulation

Disneyland is burning down

Like Atlanta in Gone With the Wind

Minnie grabbed the buckboard reins

Knowing the film better than Mickey

Somebody left Goofy behind

Who enjoyed full citizenship

While Pluto was treated like a dog

Couldn’t bark English

Ducky Donald is quacking up the Gulf

As clouds bigger than Montana 

Block the light

And drown out other views

Donald is going to be Jack Lantern

This Halloween

While Washington Joe 

A cranium with eyes

Donald will shine the light

Of his celebrity out his mouth

While Joe will mask

The un-gummed teeth of his grin

How do you like your leaders?

Cautious mole in the hole

Or grasshopper in the autumn wind

While the Supreme Court just lost a giant

Don Arrup

Satire1

August Dog

I keep telling myself

This town is always a ghost

In August

Caesar’s month

Not Julie Seize 

But the chubby nephew

On I, Claudius

I read both books

Before BBC made the series

Didn’t help

They all got it in the end

Killed off like innocent Summer

By the frost that comes late in the night

I could feel Helios

Withdrawing his blaze

From the not as long days

Now the Sun drops like a sailor’s pants

On an internet date

And I’ve got to put down

My baseball bat

And go face second grade

Teacher wore more makeup

Than Bozo the Clown

The horror of what too much hope

Can do to a pleasantly plain face

Good lesson there

Never believe magazine ads

Or TV commercials

No toy is fun 4 long

And no shampoo

Will end your loneliness

Soldier on

Through wars that run as long

As the Simpsons

Or are over before you can spell the place

There are no trends

In American politics or culture

Just fads to get us in trouble

And make us pick teams again

Every other generation

Now farmers and factory workers

Are Republicans

And billionaires donkeys

Really? 

The parties conventions 

Are straight up informercials

I listen to the dirt and I’m gonna

And wonder if my sandwiches 

Would taste better grilled

There’s only one way out of here

And it’s all up hill

Hell, I don’t know

If we can even fly to freedom

And what is freedom anyway?

Trump looks like 

The oldest teenager in the world

And Biden’s Methuselah 

Pence is the whitest man 

Who ever lived

And Kamala 

Is every minority rolled into one

I can’t even remember 

What race or gender I am

I’m just old

Pre-internet

Pre-social media

Pre-cellphone

I spoke to people

In the same room

Or within sight outside

Masked up on Halloween

Extorted candy into a paper bag

How will we know it’s Halloween?

How will we know Summer’s ended?

If everyone wears a mask

All the time

Don Arrup

Satire1

Church Work School Riot

Wrapping up the first night of the Republican National Convention, Donald Trump Beard Jr. summed up his comparison between the Disneyland the Republicans would deliver and the Democratic disastermare we will surely suffer under Joseph Stalin Biden with a now viral phrase: A choice between church, work and school and riot, looting and vandalism. 

Satire1, suspecting controversy, took to the corner of Elbow and Riverside in Manhattan’s Upper West Side to sample the public’s take:

Skateboarder

“What’s the difference between school and vandalism? Adults are stealing our childhood just to get us out of their house long enough to come back with money and take care of them.”

Big Hat

“Anyone who thinks there’s a difference between church and a riot ain’t been to my church Sunday morning.”

New Suit

“If the school is college or a private school in a large metropolitan area the tuition may not technically be vandalism but it’s definitely highway robbery.”

High Heels

“In most large companies, workers are having their healthcare whittled down to funeral expenses while the fat cats play stock buybacks and boards votes themselves raises. So what’s this difference between work and looting again?”

Don Arrup

Satire1

God Says She's Cool With Biden

God held a rare press conference today as a raging flame that didn’t consume the floating monitor suspended above the entrance to the United Nations on First Avenue just above 42cd Street in Manhattan. She/He/Te/They spoke in what many took as a feminine voice with an accent mix of rural Louisiana, Boston street hawk and Brooklyn Jew.

Major news organizations around the world were notified by dead celebrities appearing as apparitions who unlike Holly and Bollywood depictions were naked and un-groomed. Explained one ghost: “Even if there was a ghost clothing store we don’t have any ghost money.”

Editors note that you can not honestly quote God since God’s voice is heard in the most understandable tongue to the listener; therefore quotation marks are neither accurate nor appropriate. 

God:

Though your current president portrayed his election opponent as against me I am speaking to you directly since many religions have disgraced themselves of late and your president is Tweeted out. I’ve known Joseph Biden for over seventy five years and he has never been against me. He’s not always with me and I’m not always there for him but he’s never been against me. We are not enemies.

He comes to my house most Sundays with his family and neighbors and they talk to me and ask for favors like people do at all my homes. Joe’s had both great blessings and crushing losses. Like about half of your kind over the globe. 

Presently, he is shamelessly teasing Democratic liberals, minorities and women with his choice of Vice President. Even I don’t know who it will be. I doubt Joe does. I wonder if the person even exists. In the same note, who is presently the Vice President? Pence? Dense? I understand he invokes my name often but I’ve no knowledge of him. From the papers he appears to have a good tailor.

The only reason I knew who Biden was when he had the VP job was his gaffs made for the funniest Youtube video ever.

And yes, I did, indeed, hear about Kamala Harris. Now can anybody tell me who she really is?

Your young people are upset because you’ve been fools for too long again. I’d appoint some prophets but the good ones don’t look good on TV so you’d never listen to them and you wouldn’t like what you hear anyway.

I do recommend that every eligible citizen vote. Both parties will find ways to trash half your ballots and no one will accept the results anyway but that is no reason not to perform your civic duty even- no! especially during a pandemic.

Wait until 2022, when all the votes the Supreme Court has validated are counted. Hopefully not too far into the summer. 

And please, please, please wear masks when you go out. It looks like all of you have tape over your mouth and fulfills my fondest wish for all of you to finally shut up.

Don Arrup

Satire1

 

Trump Declares War On West Coast Cannibalism

 

President Trump expanded his invasion of the West Coast today to end the class warfare that broke out after the recent protests petered out and unleashed dark forces that were playing underneath the veneer of American civilization.

“Right now in a number of liberal, Democratically controlled failed cities rioters portraying themselves as protestors have been eating their fellow citizens and justifying it as nutritional equality and super civil disobedience,” said President Trump this morning on the Too White House lawn. “In Portland O, undocumented aliens from other planets and students without campuses have been consuming innocent taxpayers under the umbrella army Eat the Rich U Bitch.”

Critics of the President concede that the Portland riots had spilled over into cannibalism in the last week but complain that the conflict is being put into strictly class warfare terms when they contend that it is a generational conflict as well.

President Trump responded to the criticism immediately. “I have never disputed that the greedy, unpatriotic, selfish members of my generation- excluding myself- live too long and control too many assets. But I remedied that by denying the severity of the Corona virus until most of the nursing homes and assisted care living facilities were emptied by the plague. Now, Social Security and Medicare might now even make it to the end of my second term.”

Reporters then peppered the President with questions about San Francisco where he has yet to send troops and the situation is the reverse. “I didn’t send federal troops to San Fran after hearing of the recent uptick in cannibalism there because for the newly rich nerds and landlords eating the poor is just how their economy works. And there are still plenty of homeless and working class people to feed the whole Fake Boob Valley.”

Presumptive Democratic Presidential Candidate Joe Something spoke under the kitchen door from his basement praising London Bridge, San Francisco’s special election dictator, for cutting a deal with Covid and airlining her city’s positives to New York. 

“Now, I know Andy Cuomo- I introduced his parents- Mario and ahh, her. So I gave him his parents. Andy wasn’t going to go on television when the pandemic hit but I told him DeBlasio’s an idiot, I don’t even want his vote. The mayor doesn’t even wear socks half the year, for god’s sake. And he was running against me in the primaries? New Yorkers needed someone in proper under attire to tell them what’s going on. New Yorkers can take it. You can tell them they’re in a horror movie and it ain’t going to be over in two hours. Try two years.”

“I told London Bridge Andy would be coming for her soon as they got the schools running. But will they get the schools running? 

“And can single people? Can they? I can’t stress this enough. Not just single adults or teens or tweens in jeans and the divorced and the forced- but all those in need of another’s flesh and can hope for nothing more than a lonely lap with no one to party with except internet porn or Facebook scorn or I know a lot of daughters who have gizmos. I’m talking to you. You can’t excite batteries. Once you deplete them- even the so called rechargables- they’re dead. They’re dead and you’re alone. There is nothing sadder than a spent vibrator.”

“It’s time for the federal government to subsidize masturbation. Tens of millions of Americans are alone with their genitals not just since the pandemic started but for numerous election cycles. The distribution of ass in the United States is almost as unequal as the distribution of wealth.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

 

Covid Criminals

Hope you had a happy Bang Pop Twinkle Four Day last week. Covid’s back before he ever left. There’s no neutrality in this fight. You’re either with us or you’re murdering us.

Nose Gun

Wearing mask below the proboscis thus halving protection and doubling offensive capability. Also reads “half assed” very loud.

Chin Diaper

All eared up but swung under chin. What people who are always on their phones call wearing. Better to drop the pants and keep the mask up.

Not An Earring

Surgical masks do not make attractive earrings rather they make a parody of compliance. Like wearing really high socks and forgoing pants.

It’s Only My Fifty Four Best Friends For Life Pool Party

And then the even less responsible boys crash it. A pool of vomit, running makeup, beer piss and hormones. What every virus dreams of as home. 

Every Doughnut Of A Man’s Butt Cleavage

Though there is absolutely no evidence to confirm it either or both Donald Trump and the Black Lives Matter protestors could claim blue color white working men’s work pants southern slide creates a super spreader. It just looks like the crack of doom.

The Chorus

“I support the president by not wearing a mask.”

“I support Biden by hiding in my cellar bathroom.”

“We’re really just paper airplanes. People forget that. It takes a plague or earthquake or war to remind us.”

“Only the top twenty per cent in nookie and income are paper airplanes. Please. Most of us are spitballs.”

“I would kill to be a spitball. Only the top half in income and in the white to yellow range get the ride through the straw. That’s what we call careers. Half of us come out the other end. That’s how we come into the world and that’s where we have to climb up from.”

“Isn’t butt cleavage what they finally nailed Harvey Weinstein with?”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Congrats Grads 2020

Never in the history of academic achievement has any high school or college graduating class been so fucked. You are about to be thrust from your bedrooms into the closet of your bedrooms and as your caregivers lock that closet door, denying you any access to the greater world outside their doors, we invite you to kiss our ass and your future goodbye. 

You may feel cheated: denied a full and rich academic experience which would pry open your little minds and wrench open your hermetically sealed thighs. The chance to live outside your family homes in an idyllic oasis of binge drinking and gang bangs. 

My generation has guaranteed that your generation will be burdened with a historically huge generational debt which neither you, your children nor your children’s grandchildren will ever crawl out from under. But first, in all fairness, we have assured that each of you, personally, will have every opportunity to bury yourselves financially with just as expensive online schooling before the real estate rape called having your own place begins.

A two bedroom sheet rock shit house that is too small for your family and she’s pregnant again will only get smaller and with the payments missed as every once in a hundred years hurricane hundred years drought, hundred years pandemic all become annual if not semi-annual experiences. 

The mere utterance of the words “loan” and “forgiveness” in the same speech or article will be a felony. Everyone will be in debt and no one will outright own anything. The banks will own everything and everyone and robots already own the banks.

The future is stolen.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Phase Two Reopening

Choose the appropriate caption

Brooklyn hairdressers welcome back client

Black Lingerie Matters initiation 

Not with our boyfriends, bitch!

Time for you annual physical

Here, let me vote for you

You’d be the perfect VP for Biden

Trump’s latest Covid cure

Try our new Yoga Machine!

This is all I can do to stop reading Satire1

Don Arrup

Satire1