The Headquarters of the B.B.I.A. Giant cave auditorium in a hidden mountain in Brooklyn. To the standing microphone comes native son Senator Bernard Sanders currently representing Vermont.
SANDERS
Men of Brooklyn.
(Deafening cheers)
Men of Brooklyn and the ethernetaverse
(Beyond deafening cheers and hoots)
We have gathered here together- in secret- not to celebrate our tremendous progress- Don’t thank me. We all did this together. We’ve gathered to clarify where we are as the game is on and we’ve got the ball. Voters are voting. Voters are voting and many of them- more than for any other candidate- are voting for our cause.
Only they don’t know what our real cause is.
Universal Ass.
(jubilant uproar for a few minutes)
That’s right. That’s right. An orifice for every erection. An erection for those desiring penetration. A tongue for the lips that do speak. Nothing for the decidedly celibate. Everyone gets what they want and what they need. Why have universal health care if you’re not getting any? Why get better if there’s no ass on your horizon?
It’s like you don’t get a birthday. You just get older. You don’t have a Valentine’s Day. You’re Charlie Brown. Your dog mounts every bitch in heat to the country limits. And you can’t get a hand job from a cartoon.
Why should only the 2% of guys who can actually pull enough of their tongue back into their mouth to talk to a woman- women don’t care what they look like— believe me, they don’t- these guys use their eyes too but mostly they penetrate women through their ears- why should those rare Romeos and Don Juans and the guys who are too good looking and have enough sense to keep their mouths shut get all the ass there is while the rest of us have to live off of little parties we throw on our laps? That, or, god forbid, commit.
(male mayhem)
And while we’re on the subject: Why should lesbians get all the lesbians? How is that fair?
Only Socialism can save sex. People are going to protest. They’ll scream marriage. They’ll scream family. And that’s supposed to stop us? I know, you can just look at the pants I’m wearing and tell, and I’ll be around after my speech for the beer and pizza and strippers. You can check out my pants. I’m married. I love my wife, what’s her name, but it’s wrong. Marriage is wrong. It’s genital monopoly. Exclusive ownership of the means of reproduction. Sexual Capitalism. We’re not for that. And my administration will end it.
The free market system of sex has failed us because marriage doesn’t work anymore. Maybe it never did- there was just no way out. Half of the gay marriages have broken up, same as the straight ones. Families are posses now. All for themselves even though they hate each other they hate their neighbors and friends more. This is what monogamy and so called romance comes to: universal frustration, pornography, vibrators and dating apps.
It’s not a rom com, guys. It’s a horror movie that never ends until next January.
Now, you want to know how we are going to equitably distribute the ass after we take office. Know this upfront. No surprises because I’ll face enough resistance and opposition from parents of teenagers and people who think they made commitments that somehow override their obligations to the herd. All of you will be called on to screw your fare share of less than attractive women and men.
You can stand within your preference, everything for everybody is strictly consensual, but you must be ready to satisfy partners that don’t inspire you. And we have pills for that. I don’t like to assign names according to physical attributes but you are all- and I include myself- are going to have to poke some pie wagons if you expect to get your share of the more desired ass.
This goes for anyone if they wish to copulate, cunnilinguate, blow or bunghole another citizen. Visitors from other countries and planets will need to get a special red card to participate. Prostitution will still be practiced by politicians but for those who wish to sell their bodies know that doing so does not reduce your sexual debt to society. Everybody’s body is in the pool, the lottery, the draft however you wish to characterize it.
We haven’t figured how often citizens will be drafted for ass but every citizen will get some ass on their birthday, the week of two of their favorite holidays and we’ll get it as close as we can after April 15th when everybody feels fucked.
And don’t worry. There’ll be plenty of time to get other commie shit done once everybody gets laid.
Happy Valentine’s Weekend
Don Arrup
Satire1
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