As “electability” became the only recognized virtue among a majority of Democratic voters in Iowa one name kept coming up as the caucuses neared: Donald Trump. The more the other candidates claimed to be able to beat him the less convincing they became.
The Iowa Democratic Party attempted to delay the results of the caucuses last night as it became more and more apparent that all the declared candidates numbers didn’t tally up to the “step in” votes for the current president and supposed rival Donald Trump.
“He has tweeted a number of times that he might join the Democratic race if the impeachment trial got boring which it had been since day one,” said Elizabeth Warren, currently running fourth in the polls the did not offer the president as a possible Democratic candidate.
“I have to agree with Donald on this one,” said last millennium’s front runner Joe Biden. “He and I are the only candidates that could beat Republican Trump in November.”
“Best case scenario would be the president being impeached tomorrow so that he could run clean against Pence in the fall,” the former Vice President added. “I’ve been a Vice President. You’re afraid to take your pants off at night and find nothing there.”
“I think Donald Trump is the only other candidate that my supporters would support if I somehow don’t win the nomination,” quote Bernie Sanders. “They hate Trump but it’s practically love compared to how they feel about Warren and Senator Pixie Cut and the gay mayor.”
“If he wins our party’s nomination I’d accept being his Vice,” said Pete Buttigieg. “Pence is too old for him and wears too much blue.”
“He can be my VP since I’m the Unity Candidate,” said Senator Klobucher. “I’d make him carry me on his shoulders so I can wave to my fans while an orange wave breaks on my lap.”
“I don’t know where Donald gets off jumping parties like an Oscar winning haircut on awards night,” said Mike Bloomberg. “I thought only I could do that or only someone as rich as myself could.”
“What if there’s a tie in the Electoral College- a very real mathematical possibility especially is Trump runs against himself?” asked Andrew Yang. “Then Pelosi is going to have to decide who looks better in red- Donald or herself.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
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