Forward Pass or Roy Moore of the Same

Critics of the accusers of His Honor Roy Moore are correct to resist the trial by newspaper, television and Internet of the Republican nominee for special election to replace Attorney General Jeff Sessions as one of the Alabama United States Senators. If every man, woman and child in the state and the other forty nine accused Roy of pedophilia he is still innocent until proven guilty. 

The age of consent is as young as fourteen in some states and as old as eighteen in others. Those are four big years. In Alabama first degree statutory rape is when someone sixteen or older has intercourse with someone under the age of twelve.

I’ve read the entire Bible including the Gospels and don’t recall Joseph and Mary discussing their sex lives. If Joseph and Mary didn’t have intercourse they were not married according to Jewish Law and by the standards of most religions and governments. My Roman Catholic upbringing taught us that The Holy Ghost later renamed The Holy Spirit knocked Mary up. Whether carpenter Joe ever put the wood to her after that is not covered. 

I am no fan of Mitch (the bitch) McConnell but reporters really have no business asking him if he believes women he doesn’t know talking about a man he doesn’t know. You might as well ask me if Roy is guilty. And I don’t know. 

I’m not suggesting for a moment that this country (and I would imagine most countries) doesn’t have an ongoing culture that tolerates extensive sexual bullying in almost every manner of social and economic interaction. Even I was harassed a few times by men and women when I was younger. As much as some feminists portray the entertainment business as male dominated the first and second lines of gatekeepers are casting directors who are almost always female. It isn’t testosterone that corrupts. It’s power.  

Though I found it depressing and frustrating I was never lured or groped anywhere and never feared for my safety. And I only experienced it a couple of times in as many decades.  

Satire1 celebrates the courage and solidarity women are showing in voicing their experiences but fears comedians, pundits and the folks on the street we hear assuming the guilt of individuals before their trials. The floodgates are open and it is long overdue but rushing to judgment is not justice and the citizens of Alabama are free to elect who they please.

Don Arrup

Satire1

The Art of the Steal

Despite their best technical efforts neither The People’s Republic of China nor The Glorious Kingdom of North Korea has been able to get Satire1 off their party line. 

Kimmie

Hello? My secretary told me this is an official call from President Xi Jing Pingpong of China. 

Pingpong

Kimmie, baby, what’s the countdown in special K?

Kimmie

The fireworks did their job. Now it’s time to mix messages. Even louder bang.

Pingpong

You mean the olive branch you shoved up Donald’s ass?

Kimmie

Negotiation is penetration. Just like you taught me.

Pingpong

Donny’s a total bizbot. He drops everything and his pants if he smells a deal.

Kimmie

I’m thinking of leaking to the Japanese your suggestion.

Pingpong

Let him put up a couple of hotels on your side of the rock?

Kimmie

My big hats agree with you. Donald would never bomb anyplace where he has holdings.

Pingpong

Bombing is bad for business. 

Kimmie

We don’t have very many good locations to offer so I was thinking maybe one in our capital and another in the north. 

Pingpong

How about one along the Yangtze River. A little cover for the Mandarins who gave you the idea.

Kimmie

Don’t worry about that, Pingpong. We’ve already built the models for a Trump Yangtze.

Pingpong

He’ s going to want to build a golf course.

Kimmie

I don’t know, Pingpong. Golfers dress funny.

Pingpong

It’s the pants. They’re counter revolutionary.

Kimmie

The shoes are worse.

Pingpong

I can’t talk golf shoes with you on an unsecured line.

Kimmie

My bad. Hey, I heard you were setting yourself up a tenure like mine. 

Pingpong

Yeah, Emperor Xi, but it means I have to live with the consequences of whatever I do.

Kimmie

Not like American presidents who just kick grandma down the road if her teeth look bad.

Pingpong

That’s how your family whipped the Americans. 

Kimmie

Whoever the clown is we just lie until they fly.

Pingpong

Your ear.

Kimmie

Your’s.

Pingpong

You can be as ridiculous as you want with Trump if it’s just life and death but if you start to cut a business deal with him then we’re talking money.

Kimmie

Yeah, Donny can see opportunity even in Armageddon but you just pinch his bottom line and he won’t sit down for it.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Greenhouse Asses

Environmental scientists estimate that a little under one fifth of greenhouse gases are animal produced methane. The world’s exploding population has an even more exploding appetite for meat which has increased cattle populations by more than Mickey Mouse. Some recent studies suggest that a steer’s methane is more burped than farted but as anyone with a nose can tell you this theory just doesn’t smell right. 

Some biologists estimate that with their current numbers and the way domesticated cattle are fed and their lay about, fatten up lifestyle that they could be producing near the same amount of methane today then all the animals that have roamed the earth previously combined. 

This sounds about right to anyone exposed to a domesticated husband who in the course of a few hours each evening can turn any living room into a World War One trench horror. Given the commonality of this scourge many researches are only beginning to look into not only machine manufactured gases but human biologically manufactured gases as well. 

Satire1 goes to the hallowed halls of Harvard Community College in Stafford, Texas to speak to the nation’s future elite in the eating of meat. 

Freshman Jack Ham

“My mother won’t let one of my uncles in the house anymore. He cut a fart so bad on her couch that even the dump wouldn’t take it.”

Administrative Assistant Gia Beehive

“My husband’s friends are all welcome anytime the Dallas Cowboys are playing because we can set up the TV on our deck. But between what their beer and nachos and jerky produces that’s it for our lawn till next spring.”

Senior Jeff Vegetable

“My dad barbecues everything on his nights to cook- even the salad. I try not to eat too much meat because I think it’s bad for post secondary education but I don’t want to reject him either. So I eat it all and the rest of the night I feel like I’m sitting on a balloon.”

Continuing Student Dale Whale

“I eat too much. And I fart a lot. But nobody looks at my up side. A fly in July won’t survive an hour in my house and if I’m over your house for even just lunch you can throw your roach spray away.

Don Arrup

Satire1

All Of High School Is A Stage

Recent accusations on the internet and social media suggested that some of the Stony Douglas High School protestors are paid actors. An army of top notch investigative reporters, some who had actually attended high school, working furiously from their basements and attics in the remote western plains have uncovered proof that all of the so called “student” protestors were being wholly supported by their hysterically bereaved liberal parents.

“You can call it an allowance, use of the car, room and board but all of these actors are being supported- in effect paid- by their progenitors to perform like circus monkeys in front of our incorruptible, selfless legislators,” said Harmon Charmin of the Evidence is for Pussies news blog. 

“The only thing anyone learns in high school is how to get laid or that you are never going to get laid,” expounded chef Priscilla Popeye on her cable access cooking show, If You Can’t Shoot It, Don’t Eat It. 

“This fantasy people entertain that teenagers are somehow capable of rational thought is a kind of necessary fiction in order to have teen shows and movies but just talk to a teen- if you can pry their eyes off their phone for a minute- I think you’ll find that they can navigate the whole world wide web better than they can find the bathrooms in their own homes.”

“All this talk about how dangerous guns are overlooks their very real healthy side,” said Cyrus Mumphs, promoter of gun shows across the southeast. “Every gun sold at our shows is totally organic, has no chemical additives, are GMO and Gluten Free and was manufactured without cruelty to animals. But I’m not saying animals are going to like what customers do with the guns they buy from us.”

“Adolescence is a time of life when young people are trying to forge an identity for themselves. All this technology, the crushing costs of higher education, slim prospects for future employment and the mountainous mortgage we’ve dumped on them raises only one question,” posed teen psychologist Libia Schlobhobknockers. “When are these sick boys going to wise up and start shooting their elected officials?”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Texas Chainsaw Love Story

Media favorite and heir to Verona’s second biggest family fortune Romeo Montague was arrested by the Veronese Prince’s men (VPM) last night for stalking the youngest daughter of rival dynasty Capulets. After breaking and entering the Capulet courtyard, Romeo proved to be a Peeping Tom on the nightie clad barely pubic Juliet as she was at her balcony talking to the inconstant Moon. 

More serious charges were dropped when the Prince discovered that Romeo had just become eligible to get his learner’s permit. He was severely reprimanded for pouncing on thus far undated too Deb to bed pre-Debutante JC right after being rejected by the town floozie Rosaline. 

Juliet’s cousin and gang banger bad ass Tybalt swore that if Romeo was not charged with attempted pedophilia he would take matters into his own hands.

*

Paris’ Top Pop Rapper Cyrano DB has been accused of ghosting for buddy Christian tweets to the celebrated beauty Roxanne. As famous for his proboscis as his poetry, Sky Cy B is also Cardinal Richelieu’s best sword and unlikely to be accused to his schnoz of fake news. 

*

Playboy pool bum Narcissus filed a complaint of sexual harassment against himself in the Los Angeles County Court yesterday. Only the four hundred and twenty second such lawsuit of its kind in LA since the early 1980’s, legal experts hope to use the case to clearly define leering and obscene gestures as harassment for a future federal case. 

Harry Preener, the Dean of UC Berkley’s Law School, said “We used to prosecute masturbation as self abuse and attempted genital strangulation but that was overreach. With the new Zero Tolerance policy on harassment we’re not letting these bullies and brutes push around anyone-including themselves.” 

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Haircut

Trump on the blower

I don’t want the Secretary of the Interior. My bowels are moving fine. Regular as rain. I want the Secretary of the Exterior...

What do you mean there’s no Secretary of the Exterior?

 How can you have a Secretary of the Interior if you don’t have one for the Exterior?

The Secretary of State? Does the ex-Exxon Don cut hair?

Does Rex T cut hair?

I need a haircut and the CIA Chief just explained to me that the White House barber is not Italian.

Yes, he has got to be Italian.

His first name’s Luigi and even he couldn’t pronounce his last name. What was I to think?

It had lots of vowels.

Slapbackastan? Callacabull? I don’t know. Not Italy.

No, no Greeks.

I would consider a woman for the position.

The First Lady makes that call.

If I run again I’m keeping Pence but Ivanka and Medusa are history.

You heard correctly. Michelle might come back. Misses the stationary.

I could marry Hillary and have her cover State and First Bird.

What Bill? Since he gave up the Big Macs and nookie he looks like something scarecrows insult each other with.

No, I didn’t know that.

You’re right. You never see a bunch of scarecrows talking together except in the Senate.

No, no, I know. Farm scarecrows might not talk like you and I but they do communicate.

Morse code with their arms. Like sailors with their flags.

Nobody talks to each other in the Senate anymore anyway.

Enough about the team that’s going to be running this country. Who’s cutting my hair?

No, no Greeks. Half of them live on islands.

Does the stars when they’re in New York?

I would prefer a Hollywood stylist.

No Greeks.

If there’s a pop or an is in their name that’s Greek to me.

Who does Wolverine’s hair?

I want him.

Not for First Lady.

I thought he just combed and brushed. I didn’t know he cuts.

What appointment? He lives here on call.

Needs two neck brooms. Three! One for me and the other for everybody else.

And another for me.

The chef is Greek!

The White House chef?

We need a McDonald’s in the White House. The tourists and your president demand a McDonald’s.

Who cuts Bubba’s hair? He’s going to need a job.

Bill’s going to be Second Bitch when I marry Hill for my second term.

It’s not bigamy. It’s politics.

The guy who used to do Elvis’ hair- did he have any kids?

Don Arrup

Satire1

There's Real Confidence To Be Found In Humility and Why You Never Wear Your Spouse's Genitals

While President Donald Trump attended the Fat Cat International to seal deals and eat meals, Special Counsel Robert Mueller took his Star Chamber to the White House lawn and set up a picnic to nick pick what the crooks he's after this time are washing on. 

Satire1 went to the corner of Main and Bank Streets in Horn Hill, Alabama the day after the State of the Union speech to collect quips and observations from the pundits of the streets.

Crimson Tide Fan

“While he was director, Mueller wasted all his time on Mexican Drug lords, Chinese industrial spies and Muslim terrorists. As if we didn’t have the best criminals and murderers money could buy right here running and ruining our country.”

Woman in red hat

“Isn’t Trump’s daughter Russian? Ivanka? What kind of name is that? I voted for Trump but I think Ivanka is Putin’s daughter.”

Crimson Tide Denier

“Look, Mr. Trump wanted a bigger office than he had in New York so he ran for the biggest office and he’s so rich he didn’t even have to spend his own money. If Putin swung him a couple of states that’s just one hand jerking the other guy off.”

Popeye the Sailor Man

“Most bizznizz deals tycoons makes is widt the devil so what’s the fuztd?”

Beauregard Calhoun 

“Expecting a man of big business to remember every lie he told to close a deal is like putting a fact checker on every guy proposing marriage to a gal. Sir, you would be ending the species.”

Scarlet O’Hara

“Rhett had all kinds of shady business dealings- with our former colonial tyrants, hostile Indians and even the Yankees and he didn’t give a damn either.”

Colonel Sanders

“The Russians came to me to start selling my buckets in Moscow but they wanted a cut so big I wouldn’t have been left with anything but the feathers.”

Tennessee Tuxedo

“It’s not easy for a penguin in these parts and when I asked the President for a post in Moscow he said the State Department was going franchise.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Hawaii Declares War on North Korea

After surviving the nuclear missile attack on our 50th state Saturday Governor David Ige called an emergency session of the legislature and demanded a declaration of war on Kim Jong-un’s regime. Commandeering the United States Navy’s Seventh Fleet at Honolulu, Ige sent off a tweet to President Trump apologizing for borrowing the flotilla on such short notice and localizing the force without permission.

President Trump tweeted back that he fully supports Hawaii’s actions and will petition Congress to legalize any action the Aloha State takes to protect itself from annihilation and to extend the option of war to every state on the west coast within Rocket Man’s reach.

Rear Admiral End released a statement to his sailors and the press stating that they weren’t doing much anyway other than tracking typhoons and not catching pirates. “This fleet needs a war to get some of the rust off our buckets.”

Former Secretary of State Hilary Clinton pointed out that since the missiles never actually materialized we may never know where they didn’t come from while former Vice President Joe Biden said that Hawaii was former President Obama’s home state and that fake war news should be met by real consequences. “Somebody is trying to bomb Obama!”

House Speaker Paul Ryan called a last minute press conference on the steps of IHOP on Michigan Avenue. “Though the attack apparently was not on the continental United States but on the Japanese colony that we pretend to be a part of our country there are iron clad obligations that we have made to protect our NATO partners. I consider it my highest priority to protect our citizens, our allies and our interests from whatever imaginary threat that comes out of nowhere.”

Speaker Ryan continued, “I could care less if a foreign power messes with our elections which are a mess anyway but to strike at us when our democracy is at its most vulnerable- at the beginning of our divisional NFL playoffs- is a provocation of war.” 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Wild Fire

Mother Nature isn’t through with us yet

What does the wind do?

Me too

Fed peep complete

Bob Mueller good feller

Trump is Elvis incognito

Wild fire

More out of control on Wall Street

Than California’s wine country

Wild fire

Women in more industries

Had it with being treated like women

Wild fire

Clearing parks, stadiums, campuses

Of ghosts, generals and judges 

Wild fire

People once treated like shadows

March into the light

Wild fire

Consumes ideas that lived as zombies

And fed on our freedom

Wild fire

Burn with me

Happy New Year from 

Don Arrup

Satire1