Heaven Can't Wait 4- The Golden Castle

(John McCain climbs to the summit of Mount Olympus and crawls to the entrance of a huge gold building.)

McCain

I was expecting gates. Pearly ones. I can’t quite make out the sign-

(Enter Donald)

Donald

Trump Afterlife. My latest and favorite creation. Isn’t it magnificent?

McCain

They let you build up here?

Donald

Let? Are you kidding me? They begged me to build up here. The whole of heaven cries out for development. The only trouble is the people with the funds never seem to make it up this far.

McCain

I’m surprised to see you up here.

Donald 

Why? Because I’m not dead?

McCain

It is easier for a camel to slip through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Donald

Yeah, Jesus said that before heaven became a democracy and capitalism conquered the universe. And guess what? Jesus isn’t here!

McCain

I can believe that. 

Donald

Nobody likes to talk about it but I’m sure he had his reasons. Probably got bored. They didn’t even have a golf course up here until I took over. But it’s murder trying to grow grass on clouds. 

McCain

Are you making money on this one?

Donald

Not really. I can charge anything I like but dead people don’t have any money.

McCain

You can’t take it with you.

Donald

So this development is more of a prestige thing. Even without Jesus.

McCain

Even Heaven is a tax haven. Probably best. It might not go over too well with your Southern and Midwestern voters if you were Jesus’ landlord.

Donald

He’s a nice guy but his followers won’t let him alone. Poor guy can’t even get his birthday off. No wonder he moved back in with his mother. 

McCain

That and housing prices. 

Donald

At least he doesn’t have any student loan or credit card debt.

McCain

Yeah, what we crucify millennials with back home. At least the banks can’t reach them here.

Donald

The banks have been foreclosing on debtors up here for years. 

McCain

I knew that. And then I wanted to forget it and I did.

Donald

Great men are great forgetters.

McCain

My wives say all men are great forgetters.

Donald

I have wives too.

McCain

Do you listen to them?

Donald

Have you ever listened to me?

McCain

Nobody listens unless they like what they hear.

Donald

So that’s what I tell them.

McCain

The things people will do to be listened to. 

Donald

I’m a deal maker. A salesman. Reality has no value in realty or in politics. If that is what you really believe then I’ll agree and run with it. 

McCain

Is this what the American people deserve?

Donald

Your problem John was that you were trying to educate the people on the issues. The American people don’t like that. They want somebody who sounds as pissed as they are and tells them it’s not their fault.

McCain

And then you tell them whose fault it is.

Donald

It’s the period at the end of the sentence. 

McCain

Does it matter to you who you accuse?

Donald

Of course not. Everybody’s guilty. We’re all hypocrites and liars. How can you possibly be in a relationship with anyone and not be a liar. It’s impossible. It’s impossible because we are all impossible. Impossible! Even I’m impossible.

McCain

Everything about you is impossible.

Donald

And yet here I am.

McCain

Why develop heaven if there’s never going to be a profit in it?

Donald

It’s the ultimate retirement community. No discrimination, no contracts, no segregation, no need for security, low maintenance, no taxes.

McCain

And every other property with your name-

Donald

Will be just a step away from heaven.

McCain

This isn’t what I’m looking for.

Donald

You don’t find what you want. It’s not out there. Even in this great, big, beautiful world. You know, the scientists don’t want to talk about it but in less than a generation the world could grow to be bigger than New York City.

McCain

Never happen.

Trump

You have to make what you want. Stop looking. Make the afterlife you want just like you made the life you wanted.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Fabrication Bureau of Investigation

There are still three days left in the Federal Bureau of Incrimination’s one week whack job on Supreme Court Justice nominee Kevin Kavanaw but some of the statements by people who knew Judge Kavity or guys just like him are proving problematic for the Republicans.

Satire1 compares Jug Kansasback’s statements under oath at the Senate Hearing with those provided by citizens who also attended high school, college or parties in the 1980’s in our never ending search for the truth.

Judge K

“I like beer.”

FALSE

The glass of clear liquid to the nominee’s right on the table during the hearing was either 100 proof vodka or 86 proof gin. JK infamously has not hydrated himself with water since high school because “fish have relations in it.”

Judge K

“I was a virgin in high school and college and didn’t lose my virginity to my wife until after our second child was born.”

PENDING

Family physicians and even his urologist can not definitively determine virginity in former high school football players since coitus and tackling so closely approximate each other.

JK

“I kept a calendar that I used to track team practices, charity work and circle jerks. I got the idea from my father who kept a hybrid calendar/dairy of his  business meetings and marital consummation schedule.”

TRUE BUT INCOMPLETE

JK’s closest high school buddies said that while the school’s athletic teams and their church’s boy scout troop used circle jerks for bonding and insomnia relief JK would at a minimum have had to keep a date book with fifteen minute increments to keep track of his masturbation habit.

JK

“The Devil’s Triangle reference in my yearbook is a drinking game. The rules are the exact same as Menage A Trois except you drink beer instead of wine.”

REALLY?

What do you drink in Threesome? Mare’s Milk?

JK

“My yearbook reference to my membership in the Boinked Betty Boszer Brotherhood refers to my circle of guys who shared a pen pal in Guatemala in our junior year. Apparently, boink is a Central American phrase that means praise. We were all very fond of her until she, her whole family and her entire circle of friends were entombed in molten lava from a volcano that drank beer.”

SUSPECT

I could use that kind of praise. 

JK

“I don’t recall ever blacking out and have no recollection of ever passing out until I attended Yale where the year 1984 never seemed to have taken place.”

CORRECT 

Since consciousness is by definition lost when one black’s out and often accompanies passing out as well recollection is not available. Historians guess that since there are absolutely no records of the year 1984 anywhere that Big Brother must have been successful in his memory erasure campaign.

JK

“My best friend in high school’s last name is Judge and it is all a part of the deep state conspiracy to establish and maintain an all Catholic/Jewish court as a prelude to a fascist theocratic takeover of the government to be jointly run by Israel and the Vatican.”

TRUE BUT INCOMPLETE

The federal government of the United States has been a fascist theocratic state run jointly by Israel and the Vatican through the country’s premier Protestant divinity schools which we refer to as the Ivy League. All members of the Supreme Court are either practicing Catholics or Jews and all received their indoctrination at Ivy League law schools. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Heaven Can't Wait 3- Hanoi Hellton

(A cave skillet. Red glow that casts no shadow. Silence. Enter Lieutenant Commander Juan McCain with both arms splinted and bandaged, one bony crutch steps in for the lifeless left leg. No blood. Just white tape a violent pink in the ruby light.)

McCain

And here I wanted to be young again.

(A short, thin, Southeast Asian man with a narrow heart shaped face and long grey wisp beard dressed in grey pajamas meets McCain mid-oblivion.)

Uncle Ho

The Vietnamese people have an expression for that.

McCain

Don’t go there?

Uncle Ho

Can’t go there. 

McCain

At least my way allows for the option.

Uncle Ho

Whether to go with reality or a memory of a delusion that you got wise to and now miss? 

McCain

Like youth?

Uncle Ho

All the children here when you were here grew up in war. 

McCain

And I grew up here. I sincerely hope that the people of the United States and the people of the Democratic Republic of Vietnam-

Uncle Ho

The people. But you and I did not die as part of the people. We chose to command.

McCain

I represented and I tried for command. Didn’t get there. 

Uncle Ho

I ran our revolution when we were in the bush but by the time you Americans came I was a figurehead. 

McCain

Uncle Ho.

Uncle Ho

Comrade McCain, didn’t you find what you were looking for the last time returned?

McCain 

Last time I was looking for what I thought I had lost of myself. 

Uncle Ho

And now?

McCain

I’m looking for what I thought America had lost.

Uncle Ho

Thought lost but you don’t think so now?

McCain

The war divided our nation.

Uncle Ho

And kept my nation divided.

McCain

Maybe America’s was earlier - like the Civil Rights movement.

Uncle Ho

Which was just a later battle in your civil war that has never ended.

McCain

Reconstruction. Jim Crow.

Uncle Ho

Civil Rights, Affirmative tokenism, Black Lives Matter.

McCain

What about Obama?

Uncle Ho

Last straw of Affirmative tokenism.

McCain

Yeah, another Harvard Law School genius with a white mother. 

Uncle Ho

Versus another Academy hotshot with an admiral father.

McCain

And grandpa. I was the better senator.

Uncle Ho

It wasn’t about that. It never is. They kept me around because I was still the face of change. 

McCain

I couldn’t close the divide either. Obama was right. The government can’t close the divide. Only the people can bring themselves together.

  

Uncle Ho

You know I’ve always been a big fan of the United States. 

McCain

So I’ve read. 

Uncle Ho

It broke my heart when Eisenhower supplied the French after promising us that our country would be ours again after the Japanese were driven out.  

McCain

The Cold War was all fear. Nobody wanted to win. What was there to win? My party claims that during George H’s tenure the Cold War was won? Won how? The Berlin Wall which never worked in the first place was pulled down. The hats and name tags change and some adjustments to the pecking order and what have we got? Russia and China in our face again and they’re more dangerous than ever and we’re more dependent. And we say we won that cold one?

Uncle Ho

The second you assholes left we had China muscling in.

McCain

You had a straight out border war.

Uncle Ho

They’re too big to forgive or bargain with. My country is my pussy. Push into it an inch and I’m cutting your whole fucking tiny dick off. 

McCain

I thought China was nuts. 

Uncle Ho

I’ll cut those off too.

McCain

That’ll change China’s voice but it won’t change their tune.

Uncle Ho

It’s what power does to big dogs.

McCain

How did you bring Vietnam back together?

Uncle Ho

I didn’t. You were not driven out until seven years after my death.

McCain

When I was alive I thought that wars ended.

Uncle Ho

When you’re alive you have to believe in life. 

McCain

And what do you believe in if you’re dead?

Uncle Ho

Peace.

McCain

I’m dead and I don’t believe in peace.

Uncle Ho

The United States of America has no peace to offer at this time.

McCain

I failed.

Uncle Ho

Obama was right. The government can’t close the divide. Only the people can bring themselves together. 

McCain

Now I know why they call you Uncle Ho.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Hevan Can't Wait 2- Cielo

Ridwan bid McCain goodbye and our hero trekked the dawn to Cielo or Mexican Heaven. Funny how everyone’s heaven looks just like where they live except prettier. The flea market is busy and almost all of the customers are fully dressed skeletons.

McCain walks up to a Tamale stall. He looks at the tamales in disbelief. He begins to pour through them. Sweeping his arms out as best he can. Enter behind the counter dead aristocrat La Calavera Catrina wearing no flesh and a big 19th Century European lady’s chapeau.

Catrina

Senator McCain!

McCain

Senorita Catrina.

Catrina

The Arizona Senator knows Mexican culture. Not bad for a Norte Americano.

McCain

Mexico happens to be in North America as well. So El Dia de los Muertos via our conquests in the Spanish-American War is as American as crabapple pie.

Catrina

You know what butterfly is the most beautiful in all of America?

McCain

The Monarch is the most beautiful and most plentiful that I have seen in Arizona. 

Catrina

Where do they come from?

McCain

America.

Catrina

America.

McCain 

Hey, what did you call yourselves before the fathers of this pale mug arrived? 

Catrina

We called ourselves people. 

McCain

Funny, I always thought of you as people. 

Catrina

You were new in Arizona when you first represented the people. 

McCain

I didn’t grow up in Arizona. So when I hear those who migrated here less than four generations ago pull up the welcome mat to people whose families have been here almost as long as the dirt-

Catrina

Sweet Senator Juan McCain, we are not in Arizona.

McCain

You’re right, Calavera Catrina, I felt like an outsider every place I ever lived. And I grew up everywhere. In Arizona, at least, I wasn’t alone in being alone. 

Catrina

You were Marinero brat. Every port in world. Now you wander the afterlife. Is it Heaven? Expectation? Or just another journey?

McCain

I’m sure I’ll be wandering as long as I’m still front page news.

Catrina

But we dead like to be remembered. I am expert in this.

McCain

By our families, certainly. I want my grandchildren to remember me. But to the people of Arizona and the nation, I replaced Senator Goldwater and lost to Obama. Soon I’ll just be the guy who replaced Barry.

Catrina

Is that so malo?

McCain

No, Señorita, es muy bueno. Just let me be dead grandpa.

Catrina

Any regrets?

McCain

A few.

Catrina

Unfinished business?

McCain

Campaign finance.

Catrina

Anyone you can haunt about it?

McCain

Haunt the Supreme Court? They’re spooks in black sheets. Half of them want the dead fathers to continue to tyrannize the living civilians even though half the dead fathers were slave owners.

Catrina

You should have written a new constitution when women got the vote.

McCain

You think? We could have put the rights of human beings over the rights of property.

Catrina

Hard to do when some human beings are property.

McCain

Now we just treat human beings as consumers. We sell their likes and dislikes, ailments, credit history and social encounters. We sell their privacy instead of their bodies. 

Catrina

Didn’t you try to fix your country’s immigration policy?

McCain

We had a bill and everybody hated it. The only true sign of a just bill to address a controversial problem. Everybody hated it but they didn’t hate it enough to pass it.

Catrina

And how about your beloved Los Estados Unidos? What shape have you left your house in?

McCain

Divided. With all the advantage going to the dividers. I just wish we could put all the idiots screaming no compromise in the same room with the fools yelling treason. 

Catrina

There is no middle ground?

McCain

Maybe that is what I am still searching for.

Catrina

And if you find it?

McCain

If it still exists and I can find it I’ll just have to fly to the closest Ouija board or seance to report it.

Catrina

Not to your former colleagues in Washington?

McCain

I’m afraid most of the them would drown in the middle ground. It’s political quicksand these days.

Catrina

Do not despair, gentle John. Where there is death, there is hope. 

McCain

But how many generations will have to die off before-

Catrina

No one has forgotten that you fought for all the people, abuelo blanco. You are always welcome here. 

McCain

I thank you for that but I still hear the call.

Catrina

Always the marinero in the mar espero. Siesta with us, Juan. Just for a moment. Just for a song. 

McCain

Make it a long one, por favor, because when it’s finito I will be gone. 

Don Arrup

Satire1  

  

Heaven Can't Wait

John McCain walks over the cloud to the Seventh Gate and is about to enter when a rather imposing Muslim angel steps in his way.

Ridwan

Pardon me, can I help you?

McCain

I just wanted to look over your Jahananone or Janahun. I’m new to the afterlife and need a bunk.

Ridwan

You don’t mean Jahannam, do you?

McCain

Something like that. 

Ridwan

That’s Muslim hell. This is Jannah where the righteous find their reward.

McCain

This is the place.

Ridwan

Do you know who I am?

McCain

Are you Mohamed?

Ridwan

No, but that’s a good guess since every other Islamic male shares the Prophet’s name. I am Ridwan, the angel in charge here.

McCain

Oh, so you’re the CO. Good. I’m not exactly what you would call a Muslim-

Ridwan

You’re not exactly what anyone would call a Muslim.

McCain

I believe in one god, was a warrior-

Ridwan

Did you die in battle? If you were fighting for Islam when you died I have 72 black eyed virgins for you.

McCain

I was in conflict with President Trump.

Ridwan

In that case I have 720 black eyed virgins for you.

McCain

That’s too many birthdays to remember and my wife’s still alive. I’m really just looking for a bunk.

Ridwan

You don’t have to have lived as a Muslim to enter the gates of Jannah. You obviously lived a righteous life or you would not have been able to find us but you will have to accept Mohamed as your Prophet.

McCain

I respect the Prophet Mohamed but am more a follower of Jesus of Annapolis. 

Ridwan

Navy man.

McCain

Class of 58.

Ridwan

Beat Army.

McCain 

Last game of the regular college football season.

Ridwan

I think we can fix you up a bunk for the night. You can search for your heaven tomorrow.

McCain

I wish I voted against the second Iraq War.

Ridwan

Sure you don’t want a black eyed virgin or two? Just to keep the bunk... friendly?

McCain

My wife and my ex are both still down there. I’m walking on thin cloud here. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Seeing Red

As the Red Planet closes in on ours, the closest it has been for fifteen years, scientists have discovered that Mars does in fact have both water and life prompting President Trump to declare a state of emergency and full alert of our armed forces.

“There is no global warming from fossil fuels. The weather is fucked because Mars has been stealing our water under the last two Democratic Administrations,” the president explained. “Martian Mexican gangs poured into our atmosphere under the Clinton and Obama Administrations and began siphoning off our fresh water to breed millions of green balloon heads which will invade and overwhelm our social safety net.”

When reporters requested photographs and other evidence of the invasion President Trump was quick to point out: “I’m from New York City and you can’t walk four blocks on Broadway without seeing people from other planets.”

Congressional Democrats stood on the steps of the Capitol with water bottles claiming that the threat was overblown and that Mars has been redirecting rivers and streams into the stratosphere under both Republican and Democratic Administrations.

“Trump is just trying to redefine the Red Menace as Russia prepares to replace Congress with KGB clones and hardware salesmen,” said Elizabeth Warren who President Trump has accused of being from Venus. “And I have sworn statements from over a dozen female and gemale Martians- they have four sexes there- that President Trump in the late 1990’s groped them though I’m still not clear what they have to grope.”

President Trump was quick to Tweet: With Mars not even 36 million miles away- practically on top of us- Pocahontas shamelessly inviting every extraterrestrial over her place- I’m telling you, just visit her Senate office, it looks like the bar in the first Star Wars movie- at least the Playmates and porn stars I screw are human- Pocahontas making her boudoir the landing pad for the all the water stealing, welfare check cashing green balloon headed Mexican Martians and she is accusing me of space rape.

A debate continues to rage in the Society of Astronomers and Star Freaks as to whether Mars originally stole water from us or we from them. The president, however, harbored no doubts. “My pal Vlad was the first to warn me that Mars was stealing our water. The Europeans wouldn’t say anything because they owe Mars money and the Chinese sell them their prisoners to be served as hors d’oeuvres.”

Don Arrup

Satire1