Parade of No Thanx

Popeye. Popeye the Sailor Man is coming down the avenue- that’s Sixth Avenue- for you! What did you do? To bring Popeye after you? You went to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

What if it’s too windy and they ground the balloons? Get everybody who still admits they want to be president and string them up.

Joe Biden can replace Mr. Magoo or Buzz Lightyear.

Elizabeth Warren- Pocahontas or Olive Oil. 

Amy Klobuchar in black is Felix the Cat.

Pete Buttigieg is Howdy Doody or Alfred E. Newman (I didn’t know he was gay).

Bernie Sanders is Hanukkah Claus.

Mike Bloomberg is Mr. Monopoly*.

Corey Booker is Black Panther (revolutionary or the super hero?)

Of course, President Trump would volunteer. 

Superman? Mighty Mouse? Donald Duck? Sponge Bob Square Pants?

Whereas some of the others need further inflation, President Trump will need some deflation to get his ego down Sixth Avenue.

*Regular readers of this blog are aware that the cartoon referred to as “Mr. Monopoly” has a name at least to his nieces and nephews and we’re all his nieces and nephews- Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Atlanta Debate

Racist Madcow

Senator Caramel Harry, who dresses worse?  Colonel Bernie or Donald Trump? You have two minutes to answer.

Sen. Harry

White men have no style. They all look like Gomer Pyle after he was kicked out of the Marines.

Madcow

Mayor Buddhajugs, same question but between Senator War-on and Hillary Clinton.

Buddhajugs

No one can dress worse than Hillary Clinton and she’s not in this race.

Madcow

You wish. Senator Colonel Sanders, Nancy Pelosi or the Aloha lay on your left- who looks like crap?

Sanders

Congresswoman Scabbard isn’t to the left of anyone on this stage. Maybe to the left of Adolf Hitler and Donald Chump. And Nancy Pelosi isn’t in this race.

Senator Globutcher

No, she’s busy beating off Donald Trump everyday.

Madcow

Doesn’t leave much for the First Lady to do.

Globutcher

And may I say it is about time we started having a substantive debate about real women’s issues like who dresses better and who needs to gain weight.

Senator War-on

Not me. Not me.

Globutcher

No, precisely you. American women already have to put up with wafer thin models, actresses and  cancer patients. Now you want them to have to look at another skinny woman when the news is on. You’re a disgrace to women’s appetites and farmers.

Joe Biter

I offered Lizzy half my hotdog in Iowa.

Madcow

You will be given an opportunity to respond during the commercial, Viceroy.

Yang Guy

How come you never ask me any questions?

Madcow

Because I know your answer.

Yang

Fine, but maybe some of the voters in the audience haven’t heard me yet.

Madcow

I’m sorry, what did you say?

Globutcher

Ask him a question, Racist. He looks like somebody pissed in his pencil case.

Madcow

Okay, Yin Yang Bang, how can you give every American citizen a thousand dollars a month and not explode the national debt?

Yang

Easy, I’m going to tax every American citizen one hundred and ten percent of their income. That will wipe out the nation’s debt in my first term.

Sanders

He stole my tax plan!

War-on

Only after I did.

Madcow

Order, order. One more outburst of agreement among the candidates on anything except trashing Trump and I’ll end this debate.

Biter

This is a date?

Senator Cory Boo

Moderator Madcow, how come you haven’t asked me how I turned the urban swamp of Newark, New Jersey into the world’s only true Disney City complete with a Sesame Street in every neighborhood and the highways paved in linoleum?

Madcow

Because it never happened.

Boo

Let’s say, for the sake of debate, that it did.

Madcow

Off with his head!

Boo

This is Atlanta, not Wonderland.

Tom Sty

I have a Constitutional question.

Biter

Then ask me. I helped write the Constitution with Tommy Jeff and his son and got my adopted state of Delaware to be the first to adopt it.

Madcow

Excuse me, string bean, who are you and what are you doing on the debate stage? 

Tom Sty

I’m Tommy Sty and I bought my way on.

Globutcher

He went from big donor to big boner.

Madcow

I thought you were a single issue asshole. Wasn’t it climate change last week?

Tom Sty

I change with the weather.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Down Root

As we approach the tenth summer of widespread drought officials in Washington have begun to address how to limit the devastation of wildfires that now threaten over half the country. Widespread bipartisan agreement in Washington blames the presence of too much oxygen in the air which feeds the out of control combustion of vegetation leading to the loss of homes, businesses and life. 

The Obama Administration had called for legislation to regulate photosynthesis in all members of the plant kingdom six years ago while Republicans favored deforestation of national and local parks and replacing natural fauna with Genetically Modified Plantae which doesn't fart oxygen.

As both sides continue to study the issue and draft legislation a number of legislators, administration officials and wonks weighed in on the issue anonymously:

"We've accommodated natural plant life in this country for too long. If it feeds us or the animals we eat- fine. Or if it makes good wood. But if we can't eat it or sit on it it's gone."

"We haven't been killing the oceans fast enough. I think a lot of this oxygen is sneaking over our shorelines from the stuff whales eat."

"I think the Federal Government has to make every effort to preserve our natural heritage so that future generations have an idea of what America was like before we trashed it. But right now plants are exchanging gases in an unregulated free market posing incalculable risk to our species."

"This is all the Sun's fault."

"You know what I call vegetation? Freeloaders. Taking up space, busting up concrete and pipes, crawling up walls and drinking up more of our water than a yoga student in July."

Don Arrup

Satire1

What Are They Going To Be For Halloween Poll

Donald Trump

— Gorgeous George (50’s Pro Wrestler)

— Blond Elvis

— Wizard of Oz

— Legitimate Businessman

Elizabeth Warren

— Thelma

— Louise

— Or both

— Land O’Lakes Butter box Squaw

— Nurse Jackie

Bernard Sanders

— Mick Jagger

— Abbie Hoffman

— Pied Piper

— Young

Joseph Biden

-- Methuselah

— Paul Newman’s Nightmare

— Octopus

— Middle Aged

Don Arrup

Satire1

Impeaches and Cream

Oh Hunter, Hunter where have you been?

Down to the Ukraine for money and sin

You don’t speak the tongue nor know 

Shit about oil

But your Daddy was Vice

Setting you up for the spoil

So Dad’s enemy returns the Big House 

To White

And your dad wants it back

It’s going to be a big fight

Phone calls, emails, text and hear say,

Transcripts, testimony, and Twitter in play

But it is all the same shit at the end of the day

Your corruption is bad

While ours is passé

Don Arrup

Satire1

Schools in Sight

The National Rifle Association reached deep into its firearm manufacturers funding to hire the Bloods and the Crips to provide security in cash strapped and overcooked Los Angeles County public schools. Originally wooing Mexican Drug Lords to provide manpower to keep LA children safe from terrorists, the NRA withdrew the offer in the face of criticism that many native drug gang soldiers were un or under employed. 

These hit men and women are well armed enough to case the halls and man the entrances of surviving pre and elementary schools in the greater Los Angeles area. Middle and secondary schools that are already enjoying a healthy proportion of gang members in their student populations have been deemed safe by their communities for everyone except the LAPD.

Dripping Ax, leader of a South LA Blood gang, explained the convergence of interests. "We Bloods won't have any white nut jobs coming into our hood and cutting into our franchise. We do the killing around here. But taking soldiers off the streets when they could be pushing the bag and rolling tourists cuts into our bottom line. So the Big White Gun Gang is providing us with ammo to take care of the community's business and our own."

Smoke Corpse, a high ranking member of a Central LA Crips gang agrees. "Kids in little school are too corn to be in gangs and should be left alone. We tried giving biscuits to our baby bangers who used to just hold them for us. Problem is they bawl after smokin somebody. Can't have that in our colors."

Don Arrup

Satire1  

Blame Pizza and Mars

Critics of the Trump Administration have now accused the President of rolling back environmental regulation of methane gas emissions which are believed to be second only to carbon dioxide in destroying the atmosphere. President Trump took to his tweeter. 

“I have only gently eased the draconian oppression of our saintly, profit adverse energy industry who for decades has been blamed for the growing percentage of methane in our atmosphere when it has been clearly demonstrated by the usually lying scientists that most of the perpetrators of this methane madness are children, teenagers, pregnant women and the elderly. I think cows have been getting back at us too for taking their milk and eating them.”

The President has directed the FBI and Homeland Security to interview and, if necessary, interrogate teachers, school and nursing home dietitians and ranchers to try to discover what has caused such an uptick in deadly flatulence. 

“These kids are going to have to learn- and learn quick- that they are going to have to live in this world and that the gas that they pass from their ass has mass and that mass adds up to an unbreathable future,” the President tweeted. “Astronomers have noted that our nearest neighbor planet, Mars, has been emitting methane into its atmosphere and some of that has bled into the greater solar system.”

“I have to admit that I was unaware before I became president of the threat that the planet Mars, known throughout the entire universe as the Mexico of the Milky Way, poses to our future. I asked the usually lying astronomers could the illegal immigration of gasses from Mars prove an even greater threat to the security of the United States than what we face from the influx of our flatulent food loving southern neighbors.” 

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Airport Motel 3

(Scene: Short buck boudoir roadside shack rack. Puke colored curtains and rug. Beer piss gold comforter on Scream Queen sized flat mat. That same damn rabbit eared TV on its roll rack. Enter Bernie Sanders dressed in a morning suit with bow tie and top hat and a Rich Uncle Pennybags mustache (i.e. like Mr. Monopoly). He is carrying a canvas bag with the dollar sign ($) on it which is very full and tied with a cord at the top. He throws this on the bed which collapses under its weight.)

(Enter Nancy Pelosi through the bathroom door stuffed into a floor length black silk slink plunge cut spaghetti strapped almost dress with up to mid bicep black silk gloves, a diamond choker and Brazilian Madi Gras tiara.) 

Nancy

You broke the bed? Where are we going to-

Bernie

You in the back halls of the House of Representatives and myself on the campaign trail. 

Nancy

I spent half the afternoon feeding quarters into a barely operating airport bidet and you suddenly don’t want to play politics.

Bernie

It’s not you. It’s not my wife. Its not even my campaign manager’s granddaughter’s best friend. 

Nancy

Then what is it?

Bernie

I’ve tarnished my brand.

Nancy

By selling too many books?

Bernie

It’s all of that. Now I’m a millionaire. Neck and neck with the woman and just behind the other old man.

Nancy

Neck and necking with the woman. 

Bernie

She’s Massachusetts and I’m Vermont. Our states are all over each other. How could it be different with us?

Nancy

Bernie, nobody understands better than Nancy. I submerge myself into drags, fags, Asians, homies, homeless and tech nerds.

Bernie

San Fransisco.

Nancy

The tech nerds control more wealth than Europe.

Bernie

You’ve got the whole Valley there.

Nancy

And the only thing that isn’t silicone is my wrack.

Bernie

I came into this race the favorite.

Nancy

You never stopped campaigning.

Bernie

I’m afraid if I stop I’ll age. 

Nancy

Busy’s good. Take off your striped pants.

Bernie

Not over the shoes. Thank you, Speaker. When I was laying on the nude beach on Long Island, this was way before Stonewall, I fell asleep and a turtle came up and started making out with dick.

Nancy

Hope he wasn’t a snapper. 

Bernie

Box turtle. He French kissed my dick. With a tongue that grew out of his slit slow and long as my finger

Nancy

The turtle fucked you.

Bernie

Raped. The box turtle which not knowing his name I call Sam who raped me may still be alive.

Nancy

This was before Stonewall? 1969? 

Bernie

Some of those turtles live to be two hundred years old.

Nancy

Those are sea turtles. I think your date was a tortoise.

Bernie

Now don’t get French with me unless it’s down there.

Nancy

Look, Burning Sandman, Bloomberg News and Forbes wrote articles about your assets because that’s the only thing business magazine readers care about. 

Bernie

They should write about my pecker.

Nancy

You’re not Bill Clinton. And do you want every turtle and tortoise in the lower forty eight to come calling on your cannoli? 

Bernie

Tell me about your slumber parties when you were attending The Institute of Notre Dame- same time as Babs Mikulski- longest serving woman in the history of Congress just two years ahead of you- what happened at the slumber parties in Baltimore, Maryland in nineteen sixty blah blah. The daughter of the mayor and former Congressman and the loudest lesbian in Highlandtown.

Nancy

We Catholic daughters of Baltimore, the white thighs of April in the land of Mary, craved the long red sticks of dynamite.

Bernie

You were hand jobbing sticks of dynamite?

Nancy

Not a door was closed to Sparkie.

Bernie

I can’t believe you didn’t light his fuse. 

Nancy

Her fuse.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Airport Motel 2

(Scene: Mixture of late 60’s and early 80’s faux posh highway accommodation. A museum of bad taste. Ancient TV with rabbit ears on roller stand. Super King sized bed with red and gold comforter. Gouache oversized artless painting of a matador with the bull in the background.) 

(Enter Joe Biden in blue too short shorts and marathon runner’s white tank top with a Biden 20 bumper sticker pinned on. He throws his gym bag on the bed.)

Joe

The real campaign starts here.

(Enter from bathroom Nancy Pelosi in a teeny weeny blue bikini.)

Joe

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a blue bikini before.

Nancy

You have.

Joe

No, I swear. Thousands of aqua or turquoise or white bikinis. A lot of white bikinis. It was the 60’s and the bikinis said look but don’t touch unless you’re buying.

Nancy

Institute of Notre Dame High School, Baltimore, Maryland. Class of Eat Me.

Joe

So you were a good Catholic girl studying under the nuns. You must have been there when Barbara Mikulski was there. 

Nancy

Babs was two years ahead of me but we were bosom buddies.

Joe

A lesbian Senator and a siren Speaker. Why’d you move to California, Nancy? What was wrong with the Old Line State? Your family practically owned it.

Nancy

Didn’t like you laying on top of me in Pennsylvania.

Joe

We could have changed the Mason Dixon line to the Biden D’Alesandro line. 

Nancy

You mean the D’Alesandro Biden line.

Joe

Presidents come first.

Nancy

I’ll remember that Mr. former Vice President.

Joe

I want your endorsement.

Nancy

I thought you just wanted me.

Joe

I want both. We could make a hell of a team between the branches.

Nancy

Warren and Harris have each got one of your legs and they’re both ready to make their wish.

Joe

Exactly why I need to be between your legs, Nancy.

Nancy

You can’t hide under my skirt.

Joe

Then I came here for nothing?

Nancy

Well, I am a party girl.

Don Arrup

Satire1