Purple

Researchers at Whatsamatta University released long awaited findings today of a decade long study with over twelve million participants that promises to provoke legislation and litigation. After billions of dollars have been wasted on studying smoking, diet, genetics, sedentary life styles and pollution Whatsamatta U’s study offers conclusive evidence that cancer, asthma, diabetes, Alzheimer’s, obesity and numb nuts can be traced to a single unsuspected carcinogen; the color purple.

“The prevalence of the color purple is a late twentieth century phenomenon,” said Professor Lavender who ran the study. “In Roman times it was restricted to the Emperors and Senators few of whom realized it was actually a form of slow assassination. The pigment could only be gotten from one source in Asia Minor where the dye workers had a life expectancy of barely twenty years.”

“Breakthroughs in industrial chemical engineering were thought to have produced a harmless hue that could be used to color clothing and children’s toys but the recent findings prove that all purples are toxic to humans.”

“Sacred texts of all religions and some suppressed books of the Bible strictly forbade any mixing of the colors red and blue whether in ornament, garment or food. In ancient Sanskrit and Egyptian the same character is used for both poison and purple. We have ignored these warnings at our peril. Almost all of the breakthroughs in science and medicine have been nullified by our daily exposure to purple.”

The findings have left some questions necessitating further studies.
Are Royal Blue and Violet also lethal?
Are Purple Cabbage and Japanese Eggplant as poisonous as they appear?
Does Purple Rain constitute a holocaust?
Is the purple Teletubby just gay or is he a murdering demon?
Does anybody really look good in purple?
Why am I reading this shit?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Bank Bailout Bingo

Okay, so we sank a trillion bucks into Bankula and his financial fiends to save them from extinction. Immediately after we pull the stake they drove into their own hearts and the economy’s they deploy an army of robots to rush foreclosures through the night. If in the securitized mess the trusts cannot find the documents necessary they can always get “created” documents for a fee from a zombie subsidiary of Lending Processing Services which is involved in half of the country’s foreclosures. Inevitably, Bankula and Bankenstein sometimes end up trying to foreclose on the same home if Bankzilla hasn’t already. Since no one knows who owns what or if any of the home loans were legal to begin with why not?

Expecting Bankula to lend to small businesses is like expecting Dracula to donate to a blood drive. Expecting Bankenstein to restructure mortgages is like asking Frankenstein’s monster to take over the surgery.

My question is why foreclose on a home you cannot sell? Why throw anyone out who is paying you a dime a month on a loan you can’t prove you or who made?

The answer is the books. Their balance sheets. If the Bank Vaders admitted for a moment that they are just as broke as the rest of us they couldn’t give themselves huge bonuses or hire ex-Senators to lobby against regulations to protect us from their next feeding frenzy. And they would fall under TARP. TARP or the Total Asshole Rapist Protection Authority would come in and fire the greedy maniacs and sell the concern to a Grandmothers Investment Club in Chung King.

Could the Grandmothers do worse? Could anyone? Isn’t it best to be raped by your fellow Americans and their terrorist funding friends? At least we’d have someone to throw in jail after we pay off his or her spouse.

Don Arrup
Satire1