(Scene: Elizabeth Warren’s apartment bedroom in December 2018. Strange bedfellows Bernie Sanders wearing only a tie and Warren wearing only her glasses are in bed together discussing how to defeat Donald Trump.)
Scenario 1
Liz
Do you think a woman can win the White House?
Bern
Doesn’t matter. I’m on top of the next ticket.
Liz
Get off of me.
Bern
I’m on top this time.
Liz
This is my apartment. I’m always on top here.
Bern
Okay, you’re too strong for me. When you asked me over I assumed you wanted to be under.
Liz
You don’t think I can win, do you?
Bern
Don’t put words in my mouth. Anything else you got is fine. Especially your neck.
Liz
You don’t think a woman can be president, do you?
Bern
Fine. Okay. Whatever you say. Just don’t bounce too high and slip off. If I’m out I’m down.
Scenario 2
B
Do you think a Jew can beat Donald Trump?
E
By a Jew do you mean you?
B
Who better?
E
Well, me, for one.
B
Since when are you Jewish?
E
Well, I’m smart, a former professor, liberal and a woman. Practically the same thing.
B
You’re not a Jew unless your mother’s a Jew.
E
Are you saying I’m not Jewish?
B
I’m saying that.
E
Are you saying I can’t be a Jew because I’m from the Oklahoma and raised Methodist?
B
I didn’t say that.
E
Are you saying I’m not a Jew because my mother wasn’t Jewish?
B
I’m saying that.
E
I am my own Jewish person. Don’t involve my mother in this.
B
Believe me, if you were Jewish you’d know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your mother is involved in everything in your life.
E
Are you saying a woman can’t be a Jew?
B
I didn’t say that. My mother was a Jew. Her mother was a Jew. Before that I don’t know exactly.
E
If we’re progressives why are we laying naked in bed and talking about who’s Jewish?
B
Trump.
Scenario 3
Sand
You’re right. I’m right.
War
No, we’re both left.
Sand
We’re all that’s left of the Democratic Party.
War
You’re a Democratic Socialist.
Sand
And you’re a Republican.
War
Don’t say that too loud.
Sand
Okay, I’ll put it in the vault.
War
So what are we right- I mean correct about?
Sand
What this country needs.
War
Which is..?
Sand
Universal welfare.
War
You mean nobody works? There will be no employment?
Sand
We won’t have to pass a law against work. We’ll just tax wages and profits into oblivion.
War
It all goes to the top anyway.
Sand
Soon, nothing will go to the top.
War
I’ve got to be a part of this.
Sand
Teddy Roosevelt gave us the Square Deal. His nephew the New Deal. This will be the Big Deal.
War
I hate it already.
Sand
What’s you idea?
War
I say we open up the fifteen billion acres of federal park land and preserved habitats to biosphere pioneers.
Sand
So families could settle the land and gain deed as long as they didn’t spoil their environment?
War
I want to open the Moon up to immigration.
Sand
You’re making me hard here.
War
Burn Bernie burn!
Sand
What else you got?
War
Move the terminally ill out of expensive hospitals and into community flower gardens.
Sand
That’ll heal them. What about prescription drugs?
War
They kill more people than street drugs. Let people just buy their drugs on the street. Nothing hurts if you’re high enough.
Sand
Like Canada. How about schools?
War
Close them. They don’t work. Total waste of funds.
Sand
What are you going to do with the kids?
War
Dress them in tech pants and parachute t shirts. Give them an iPad, a protein bar and a Bowie knife.
Sand
And then what?
War
Just set them free.
Sand
Like they are human beings. I love it. I had to masturbate when I was a teenager. That’s when I told God to beat it.
War
Why? You were already beating it.
Sand
That’s true. My hands aren’t small but they are delicate.
War
And expressive.
Sand
I just flick my fingers like this and thousands of Korean girls in black dresses play violins.
War
I have plans for the underfed, the undereducated, the untreated and the unemployed but nothing for the underfucked.
Sand
How can you say that? What were we just doing?
War
But I won’t have time when I’m president.
Sand
I’ve been proposing a sex draft for decades.
War
I don’t know if America is ready for Socialized Sex.
Sand
So you don’t think a woman can win the presidency?
War
I don’t think ahh duhh woman can win the presidency but I think I can.
Sand
Maybe you’re right. I mean left.
War
Right.
Sand
Left.
War
Right.
Sand
You had a good home when you left
War
You’re right
Sand
Your baby was home when you left.
War
You’re right.
Sand
Your mother was home when you left.
War
You’re right.
Sand
Sound off
War
One two
Sand
Jerk off
War
Three four
Sand
Cadence count
Both
One two three four. One two- three four.
Sand
Your baby was lonely as lonely can be.
War
No woman can win the presidency.
Sand
Ain’t it great to get to hump.
War
I’m fucking for Jesus and Donald Trump.
(They slide under the covers.)
Sand
My balls
War
One two
Sand
Eyeballs
War
Three four
Sand
Vote count
Both
One two three four. One two- three four!
Don Arrup
Satire1
