Congress Fails To Pass Spring

Another Covid wave, children from the forgotten Americas amassed on our doorstep, Asian lives matter too, Xi Je Ping in bed with Putin and the stock of suburban homes with swimming pools depleted Congress can’t agree on what day of the week it is let alone what month of the year.

“We just passed the most bipartisan piece of legislation in years,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Twelve genuine red as blood state Republican Representatives voted along with my minions to declare last Saturday, March 20th the Vernal Equinox and first day of spring.”

“Now the sun can come out. Daffodils bloom. Cherry trees blossom. And we can take our spring break to refresh our rhetoric, hold fundraisers, keep the rage up against our opponents, hold more fundraisers and get back here to get as much nothing done as we have in the past twenty years. All we need is for the Senate to sign off on it.”

The United States Senate, the world’s foremost deliberative body, couldn’t pass gas on a diet of broccoli and beans so Satire1 spoke to legislators and their staff on the possibility that the nation will actually experience the warmer seasons this year. 

Senator Eyebrows

“The people don’t want spring. They’re tired of change. Same old merry go round of seasons. It’s all just to sell us more clothes than we need. We can’t legislate ten pounds off your thighs. Grow up or vote for somebody who gives a damn.”

Pencil Mustache 

“It’s always winter somewhere. Who does Pelosi and Schumer think they’re fooling? We had March last year. What did it get us? Covid. So we said okay. We gave March thirty one days and declared April Fools. What did that get us? More Covid. Don’t talk to me about Autumn. It’s only Autumn if your party wins. Otherwise it’s the Fall.”

Wrong Shoes

“I’m with Nancy all the way on this one. We had winter: holidays, snowfalls, the Super Bore, overpriced limp roses and way too much TV. We’ve got to spring out of this funk. It’s too deep to crawl out of. Forget spring. Declare this season Catapult.”

Not That Hat!

“It’s gotten to the point where the Dems are just bullying us with scientists. Doctors, ecologists, geologists, epidemiologists and now astronomers? Reagan and his Nancy would only listen to an astrologist and the country thrived.”

Flat Top

“Mother Nature has been exhausted by the virus and climate massacre. She can’t pull spring off this year. She needs a stimulus. Congress must act or Mother Nature will just take her course.”

Ham Hands

“The donkeys actually think this is spring? Give me a break. They’re just trying to make voters feel guilty for not cleaning out the foxholes we all live in now.”

Over Half of the Interviewed Legislators from both Parties

“I just listen to my constituents. Whatever they say is the truth.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Friday Eve

 

Having just gotten the schedule for the March Zoom rehearsals for a project with the Drama League I couldn’t help but notice that it identifies the days by their numerical standing in the month with no mention of their position in the week.

The fourth, eleventh, eighteenth and twenty-fifth of the lamb eating the lion month are what used to be called “Thurs” days. Of course, no one who has progressed past believing in Santa Claus, equal opportunity and the Easter Bunny still believes in Thursdays. The twenty four hour period between Hump and Thank God (even if you are an atheist) had been a lingering conceit of traditionalists and people who think that novels and films reflect reality anymore than reality TV does. 

You don’t have to make your way in this world for long or even be a student for more than a grade or two to know that Mondays can be very blue. And Tuesdays are just too- I would even say way too- but what are you going to do? Saturdays belong to your god and Sundays to mine? 

So is it a camel or dromedary after that too too Tuesday? Or in less zoological terms are there one hump or two mid week? (In contradiction to the Camel cigarette pack it is dromedaries who are singularly humped) 

Mad Dame Phylis Morris, one of the country’s leading dayologists, pointed out that despite an almost universal understanding throughout history that Thursdays are bullshit it like every other insane conspiracy theory has its defenders. 

“I don’t care if some great power human or divine made weeks a hundred days long there still wouldn’t be a place for Thursdays. Go through your week. Collect evidence of every time you open your eyes. You’re not going to come up with even a shadow of a Thursday. The evidence just isn’t there and never was.”

Both political parties in the United States retreat immediately from any mention of a gap between Hump and Friday. “Getting over the hump gets you over the Thursday delusion or so it is wished,” said He Who

Died a Wednesday. “Since both parties have now devolved to the point of contradicting each other over everything from the Sun rising in the east and setting in the pockets of the one per cent both fear entanglements in meaningless arguments  that will take up what little time they have for the meaningless arguments they suspect get them elected.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Vaccine Not Mean

Cellphone hellphone buzz beep beep

Word from JoJo’s Pharmacy

Cancelation 

Come now and reap

Doors close in minutes 12

Run like hell

And your arm

We’ll swell

With immunity

Coat grab quick cab

Pinched between

The teeth of the key

Health care card

Ballpoint papers pen

Coat off hoodie gone

Roll up sleeve

That’s not where we shoot

We’re neighborhood friends

Drop pants

Bend over dance

Nurse spanks till

Buttocks bloom

Horse needle long

As a lost love song

Plunger pushed

Vaccine whoosh

Today I feel like shit

And loving it

Hope you get yours

Soon

Don Arrup

Satire1