A (Partial) List Of Accomplishments Joe Biden Hasn't (Yet) Taken Credit For

The Invention of Fire

JB conceded this to the Greek god Prometheus during his first campaign for public office.

Cleansing the Sins of the World

Joe attributed this to Jesus early in his career but was recently quoted: “But hey, who was down there at the cross comforting his mother Mary and the ho he had hooked up with?”

Valley Forge

“Okay, that was mostly Washington. I admit it. But who do you think told him to go from my home state to the state I represented in Congress for two thousand years? And just try transporting hot coffee and blueberry hardtack all the way from Scranton on Christmas Eve.”

Victory at Gettysburg

“I had to turn that beard Meade around in Scranton and point him in the direction of the shoe factory General Lee was heading for.”

D Day

“I was a few decades late but I still ruined the best pair of deck shoes I ever owned on Omaha Beach. The price of freedom.”

Invention of Television

“I have witnesses. My cousin Ruthie remembers the day. The whole family was seated listening to Bob Hope on the radio and I said ‘Hey, everybody’s facing it. They should add picture to the sound like the movies do.’ TV was totally my idea.”

Moon Landing

“They wanted me to go on that one but my mother in law was getting a hip replacement that summer.”

Invention of Internet

“Gore kept claiming he created the internet. Bellowing it in every interview like a typical VP wannabe. When years before he had even heard of computers I was writing emails almost daily to fellow legislators, constituents and the press. I’ve got them all on floppy disks I keep in shoe boxes in my garage. I just didn’t have any way to send them. I mean, I was internetting everyday. Where the hell were all the engineers?”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Love's Army

The Headquarters of the B.B.I.A. Giant cave auditorium in a hidden mountain in Brooklyn. To the standing microphone comes native son Senator Bernard Sanders currently representing Vermont. 

SANDERS

Men of Brooklyn.

(Deafening cheers)

Men of Brooklyn and the ethernetaverse

(Beyond deafening cheers and hoots)

We have gathered here together- in secret- not to celebrate our tremendous progress- Don’t thank me. We all did this together. We’ve gathered to clarify where we are as the game is on and we’ve got the ball. Voters are voting. Voters are voting and many of them- more than for any other candidate- are voting for our cause. 

Only they don’t know what our real cause is.

Universal Ass.

(jubilant uproar for a few minutes)

That’s right. That’s right. An orifice for every erection. An erection for those desiring penetration. A tongue for the lips that do speak. Nothing for the decidedly celibate. Everyone gets what they want and what they need. Why have universal health care if you’re not getting any? Why get better if there’s no ass on your horizon? 

It’s like you don’t get a birthday. You just get older. You don’t have a Valentine’s Day. You’re Charlie Brown. Your dog mounts every bitch in heat to the country limits. And you can’t get a hand job from a cartoon.

Why should only the 2% of guys who can actually pull enough of their tongue back into their mouth to talk to a woman- women don’t care what they look like— believe me, they don’t- these guys use their eyes too but mostly they penetrate women through their ears- why should those rare Romeos and Don Juans and the guys who are too good looking and have enough sense to keep their mouths shut get all the ass there is while the rest of us have to live off of little parties we throw on our laps? That, or, god forbid, commit.

(male mayhem)

And while we’re on the subject: Why should lesbians get all the lesbians? How is that fair?

Only Socialism can save sex. People are going to protest. They’ll scream marriage. They’ll scream family. And that’s supposed to stop us? I know, you can just look at the pants I’m wearing and tell, and I’ll be around after my speech for the beer and pizza and strippers. You can check out my pants. I’m married. I love my wife, what’s her name, but it’s wrong. Marriage is wrong. It’s genital monopoly. Exclusive ownership of the means of reproduction. Sexual Capitalism. We’re not for that. And my administration will end it.

The free market system of sex has failed us because marriage doesn’t work anymore. Maybe it never did- there was just no way out. Half of the gay marriages have broken up, same as the straight ones. Families are posses now. All for themselves even though they hate each other they hate their neighbors and friends more. This is what monogamy and so called romance comes to: universal frustration, pornography, vibrators and dating apps.

It’s not a rom com, guys. It’s a horror movie that never ends until next January.

Now, you want to know how we are going to equitably distribute the ass after we take office. Know this upfront. No surprises because I’ll face enough resistance and opposition from parents of teenagers and people who think they made commitments that somehow override their obligations to the herd. All of you will be called on to screw your fare share of less than attractive women and men. 

You can stand within your preference, everything for everybody is strictly consensual, but you must be ready to satisfy partners that don’t inspire you. And we have pills for that. I don’t like to assign names according to physical attributes but you are all- and I include myself- are going to have to poke some pie wagons if you expect to get your share of the more desired ass. 

This goes for anyone if they wish to copulate, cunnilinguate, blow or bunghole another citizen. Visitors from other countries and planets will need to get a special red card to participate. Prostitution will still be practiced by politicians but for those who wish to sell their bodies know that doing so does not reduce your sexual debt to society. Everybody’s body is in the pool, the lottery, the draft however you wish to characterize it.

We haven’t figured how often citizens will be drafted for ass but every citizen will get some ass on their birthday, the week of two of their favorite holidays and we’ll get it as close as we can after April 15th when everybody feels fucked.

And don’t worry. There’ll be plenty of time to get other commie shit done once everybody gets laid.

Happy Valentine’s Weekend

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trump Wins Iowa Democratic Caucuses

As “electability” became the only recognized virtue among a majority of Democratic voters in Iowa one name kept coming up as the caucuses neared: Donald Trump. The more the other candidates claimed to be able to beat him the less convincing they became.

The Iowa Democratic Party attempted to delay the results of the caucuses last night as it became more and more apparent that all the declared candidates numbers didn’t tally up to the “step in” votes for the current president and supposed rival Donald Trump. 

“He has tweeted a number of times that he might join the Democratic race if the impeachment trial got boring which it had been since day one,” said Elizabeth Warren, currently running fourth in the polls the did not offer the president as a possible Democratic candidate.

“I have to agree with Donald on this one,” said last millennium’s front runner Joe Biden. “He and I are the only candidates that could beat Republican Trump in November.”

“Best case scenario would be the president being impeached tomorrow so that he could run clean against Pence in the fall,” the former Vice President added. “I’ve been a Vice President. You’re afraid to take your pants off at night and find nothing there.”

“I think Donald Trump is the only other candidate that my supporters would support if I somehow don’t win the nomination,” quote Bernie Sanders. “They hate Trump but it’s practically love compared to how they feel about Warren and Senator Pixie Cut and the gay mayor.”

“If he wins our party’s nomination I’d accept being his Vice,” said Pete Buttigieg. “Pence is too old for him and wears too much blue.”

“He can be my VP since I’m the Unity Candidate,” said Senator Klobucher. “I’d make him carry me on his shoulders so I can wave to my fans while an orange wave breaks on my lap.”

“I don’t know where Donald gets off jumping parties like an Oscar winning haircut on awards night,” said Mike Bloomberg. “I thought only I could do that or only someone as rich as myself could.”

“What if there’s a tie in the Electoral College- a very real mathematical possibility especially is Trump runs against himself?” asked Andrew Yang. “Then Pelosi is going to have to decide who looks better in red- Donald or herself.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

England Takes Her Language Back In Next Phase of Super Brexit

President Trump today tweeted that not only was Great Briton withdrawing from the European Union today but it was pulling its signature language, English, from the Internet, North America and India in the next phase of its withdraw from the Earth and human race.

“We’ll have to go back to speaking American,” tweeted the president this morning. “We’re still allies with GB and if they want their language back I’ll see to it that they get it.”

Francophiles in Canada’s Quebec Province rejoiced as our northern neighbor will return to being a primarily former French Colony that speaks only French.

“English is impossible. Nobody can speak it,” says Lucky Pierre of Montreal. “Cough should be pronounced cow but nobody wants to have a cow anymore. Even I Love Lucy Ball.”

A bastard language at best, English is mostly German with a heavy dose of French along with some Danish sprinkled in. The ugly offspring of a lingual menage a trois has a grammatical structure at war with itself that only professional academics and editors pretend to understand.

There are no rules of spelling and pronunciation that stand up to even a four year old’s vocabulary. 

China, who manufactures everything in your life save the gas you pass, quickly changed all brand names, instructions, labels and books to Mandarin making it the default language of the Internet and business virtually and physically overnight. 

“Italian certainly has the most colorful obscene gestures,” said Tawhua Babel, chief editor of the Oxford Standard Dictionary, “but you can’t beat old English for telling you where to go or what to do to yourself.”

“So, while it’s still available outside our borders be sure to tell everyone you know fuck you.”

Don Arrup

Satire1