An Election Carol Part 3

(A grandfather clock chimes twice. Trump peeps out from under covers.)

Trump

How can the Advisor of Elections Present be late? It’s all right now with him.

(Joe Biden pops out the other side of the covers.)

Joe

Sorry, Donnie boy, this bed is so much more comfortable than that cot I had in the VP’s residence. I guess I really am Sleepy Joe. 

Trump

Now I’m supposed to listen to you?

Joe

Just leave it in your ear for now, Donnie, you still have almost a month left.

Trump

I beat you.

Joe

In more states than Hillary won last go but not quite enough to beat old Joe.

Trump

How many times did you vote, Joe?

Joe

Donny, I know the Roy Cohn bible. Who do you think persuaded me to come? He’s a difficult man to say no to.

Trump

Nobody says no to Roy Cohn dead or alive. They just think they said no for a while.

Joe

Roy said I could come any way I wanted and since this will be my bed soon-

Trump

You’re naked in my bed?

Joe

Donny, not naked. For crying out loud. Donald. I’m just… natural.

Trump

Where’s Kamala?

Joe

She’s upstairs.

Trump

Upstairs where? 

Joe

In bed.

Trump

The First Lady’s bed?

Joe

I guess. I really don’t know. You’d have to ask Roy.

Trump

I want her down here.

Joe

Who doesn’t? She certainly is a beauty. 

Trump

The First Lady.

Joe

If you say so, boss. Look, I showered at the club after getting a thorough man wax. Just slide right in your side-

Trump

My side! My side? This is my bed. The president’s bed. 

Joe

Well, yes it is. I mean, I was never up here when I was VP but Roy’s good on who what where. 

Trump

I’m not getting into bed with you.

Joe

No, Donny, you aren’t getting into bed with me. I’m getting into bed with you. You got into bed with Obama and George and Son and Bill Clinton and all of them all the way back to the first George. Washington. Roy didn’t give me any big speech to make or poem to recite. He said you just needed to see me here.

Trump

You’re telling me Roy Cohn isn’t behind me on this?

Joe

I don’t speak for Roy. The dead have a different perspective then ours on most things. 

Trump

What’s Kamala doing in Melania’s bed?

Joe

How should I know? It’s called the Secret Service for a reason.

Trump

Not secret from me. They work for me.

Joe

See, Donny, that’s just it with you. You think you own the United States of America. You don’t. You run the federal government of the United States but the people own it and you work for them.

Trump

I’m an independent contractor and not anyone’s employee. 

Joe

I see being president as just the opposite. I work for everybody. Every citizen is my boss. 

Trump

What if a citizen sits down in front of your motorcade? 

Joe

Then run him the fuck over. I’ve got too many bosses to please to deal with those idiots. 

Trump

I want to know what Marge Simpson-

Joe

Who?

Trump

Phony Kamala- Camel Laugh is doing with my—

(Kamala Harris emerges from under the covers between Joe and Trump apparently naked except for a pink mask.)

Joe

Kam, you’re forty five minutes early. I haven’t finished my visit.

Kamala (holding up the covers for Trump to check out)

Does this look like a purple haired cartoon to you?

Trump

I’m just going to slip into my side of the bed.

Kamala

The more the merrier. 

Joe

What brought you down here so early?

Kamala

Well, my ears were buzzing with you two talking about me. That, and I had already taken care of Melania.

Trump

What do you mean you already took care of Melania?

Kamala

Well, first I grabbed it just like she likes it.

(Kamala grabs Trump under the covers)

Trump

Mommy!

Joe 

Hey, save that for the inaugural.

(Kamala grabs Joe under the covers)

Joe

Scranton!

Kamala

Melania and I were saying how it was just about time for a woman to grab the levers of power. And here I am with my hands full of the present and future p. Some p word. Do either of you have to pee?

Trump

I’m good.

Joe

You’ve got my prostate thinking it’s a fist.

Kamala

I know both of you are wondering what I would do if I were president.  

Joe

A great job.

Trump

A hand job.

Kamala

When I’m president wages will go up! And interest rates will go down!

(Joe and Trump groan)

Home ownership up! Homelessness down!

(Her fists follow the lines under the covers)

Reading and math scores soar! While dropout rates drop. Diversity ascends while entitlement descends.

Trump

Do wages and interest rates again.

Joe

No, do math scores.

Kamala

Hemlines rise while necklines plunge.

Trump

Oh, that’s a good one.

Kamala

The Consumer Price Index is sex. My fists bob like the Dow-

Biden

Ow!

Trump

Wow!

Kamala

Industrial Average. Industrial Average. In-dus-tree-all Ave-er-age. Popeye.

(Both Joe and Trump Popeye and pass out. Kamala wipes off her hands on the sheet.)

Maybe I should save it. Old White Men’s last squirt.

Don Arrup

Satire1

An Election Carol Part 2

(The clock strikes one. Enter the Advisor of Elections Past)

Hillary

Donald.

Trump

Roy Cohn sent you?

Hillary

I am your Advisor of Elections Past.

Trump

But I beat you.

Hillary

Yes, you did, Donald. I was used to the White House. I was comfortable there and I wanted to go back. Thought I had it back and in one night I became jobless and homeless. I had four states recount. 

Trump

Everybody thought you were going to win.

Hillary

If you mean I thought that you are correct.

Trump

So, do you prefer to be addressed as Secretary, Senator or First Lady? 

Hillary

Just call me Hill.

Trump

Sounds like Hell. Let me call you the second part- Larry.

Hillary

Moe and Curly. I don’t think so. Call me pal.

Trump

Okay pal, Where are you taking me?

Hillary

Everything’s closed. There’s nowhere to go.

Trump

We aren’t going to the past?

Hillary

You’re jousting with me. That’s the past.

Trump

So what’s new?

Hillary

You and I have a lot in common. We’ve both lived in the whitest house in the world. Liked it and thought we were going to be living there next year.

Trump

I’m not leaving.

Hillary

You’ll want to start packing right after the holidays. With everything going on in the world and our country this house might be harder to get out of than a regular prison.

Trump

I won the election and I’m not leaving.

Hillary

Then Biden will charge you rent. 

Trump

And I’m Air B&Bing Camp David as we speak.

Hillary

You can get just as much for the Lincoln bedroom but that means strangers in the Executive Residence.

Trump

I’m telling you, pal, I’m not leaving. 

Hillary

In some ways you couldn’t even if you wanted to.

Trump

Ivanka is going to be the first woman president. 

Hillary

Passing over Junior?

Trump

Donald Junior will have the important job. 

Hillary

He’ll run Trump Inc.

Trump

Hey, we are pals. 

Hillary

The Big Cat and the Big Dog.

Trump

I’m not leaving but I might change my mind tomorrow. 

Hillary

I do admire your adaptability.

Trump

Which voters call treason and customers call smart. I’m always judged as a business man whereas all you pols are stuck with your promises and voter’s expectations. 

Hillary

You did a great job of exploiting that double standard as well.

Trump

You pols try to be leaders but nobody can lead the American people. Nobody since Washington. Even Lincoln, our greatest president, was hated by half the country. I don’t talk to voters like constituents. I talk to them as what they are: investors. They invested in me to get a conservative Supreme Court, tax cuts, deregulation and a wall and their investment paid off. 

Hillary

So this time they cashed you out and went with Mr. No Drama.

Trump

 America is about making business possible and politics impossible. When politicians get hung up on their ideals or delusions they forget that politics is a marketing and sales job. Not a crusade.

Hillary

But you have to sell it as if it was a crusade.

Trump

We’re all selling grandeur to compensate for people’s inadequacies. If I’m selling sports cars, pickup trucks, guns and power tools I’m really only selling one thing.

Hillary

Machismo. 

Trump

Manhood. You sound like an egghead. Americans don’t elect eggheads except for Obama. Obama was the cool, minority egghead. 

Hillary

Whereas I am a smart ass white Karen bitch.

Trump

No, that’s Pocahontas. Ivy League or over educated lawyer c word is the most popular description of you. At least when I last heard people speak of you. 

Hillary

And who speaks of me more than you? If I’m forgotten then you have no fema-nazi dragon under your foot. No harpy bitch out to castrate American manhood for the sake of an egalitarian kindergarten. A eunuch country-

Trump

Canada. Your party wants to make America South Canada. 

Hillary

No, we want to make it Super Canada.

Trump

Super Canada is still Canada.

Hillary

You’re getting out at the right time.

Trump

You want me to leave. 

Hillary

Just saying…

Trump

Make it easy for Sleepy Joe.

Hillary

I think this place holds you back. 

Trump

The highest office in the world?

Hillary

Your flock will follow you anywhere from anywhere.

Trump

And give up this power?

Hillary

You don’t need a title or television show or an office for your power. You’re Donald Trump whether every single eligible voter in the country votes for you or none of them do. And there’s 2024! If you really need the mega, radioactive endless tsunami of donkey shit along with all the Elephant right in your lap crap- do I really need to list the foreign fuss you can expect more often than you piss?

Trump

I don’t get in enough golf.

Hillary

You’re on call 24/7, 365 and a quarter days a year. and you could make more money with a Lamborghini franchise in rural West Virginia.

Trump

I could make money on a planet that doesn’t even have money.

Hillary

Why you don’t open a casino on the Moon is beyond me.

Trump

We’re saving that for my youngest.

Hillary

Let somebody else save America for a change. I was going to finally break the glass ceiling and rein shards down on the pitiless patriarchy. 

Trump

Who’s Joe saving?

Hillary

Himself from his retirement.

Trump

I can respect that. 

Hillary

Come back in a couple of years and wake the country up. 

Trump

Joe and Fauci aren’t going to free the economy from this Covid coma. 

Hillary

There you go, Donald. Take a nice long vacation and then roar back in two four.

Trump

Can I get some sleep now?

Hillary

Not while you’re still in office. It’s like having a newborn for four years if you haven’t noticed.

Trump

Somebody’s always wailing.

Hillary

And you have the Advisor of Elections Present coming at two.

Trump

Do I really have to see him?

Hillary

Him?

Don Arrup

Satire1

An Election Carol

 

(Dark Master Bedroom at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C.)

Ghost of Roy Cohn

Donnn-ald. Donnnnn-ald.

Trump

What? Who? Secret Service? Joint Chiefs? Fox News?

Roy

I am the ghost of your mentor, Roy Cohn.

Trump

Hey Roy, what brings you back this chilly eve?

Roy

I’ve come back to warn you.

Trump

Warn me about what?

Roy

Drop the protest.

Trump

You want me to admit defeat? It was your first, third and last rule: never admit defeat.

Roy

Look, Donald, you did win. You won big time last time and this time you won even bigger. 7 million voters bigger. There is nothing loser about you. If Joe got more, who cares? 

Trump

That would make me a loser.

Roy

Look, your solid people will jump off a bridge for you but there isn’t enough of them. 

Trump

Enough to win the presidency twice.

Roy

You’re starting to sound like a loser. 

Trump

A loser?

Roy

Or worse- a whiner. Don- Donald. Listen to me. I’ve risen up from New Jersey to advise you. Take it as a break. He’ll have to make a lot of decisions you really don’t want to make. Let the Dems clean up the mess and then you spank them in 24. I’m telling you, it’s better this way.

Trump

I’ll lose the front page.

 

Roy

Joey’s going to have to tell Americans how to live their lives and what to wear and that never works. That along with appointing enough minorities to piss off independents and it still won’t be enough to keep the progressives from marching every time they get a new t shirt.

Trump

Fox and the New York Times will mention Joe more often than me.

 

Roy

Whenever you want some attention just announce a rally. You could pack Madison Square Garden in Socialist New York City. Forget the press conferences in the Rose Garden. You can sell out the Rose Bowl in Communist California. Then the media and public won’t be getting you for free all the time. What are you giving it all away for? The big White House?

Trump

First Covid started knocking me to the second story and now Joe has.

 

Roy

You passed all the tax cuts you can for now. Nothing’s regulated anymore. You’re leaving Joe a crippled economy just like Georgie left Obama. It’s the Republican way. Let the Dems clean it up. Nobody gets credit for cleaning up the mess. It just makes you look like the maid. 

Trump

I’ve got to keep them angry.

Roy

Not angry. Mad. You need to keep your people mad. Just a little crazy but still controllable. Just like the Dems. That’s the game. That’s what sells commercial air time. Gets folks in trailer parks and projects to write checks or at least show up. 

Trump

I’m not conceding. 

Roy

That’s not what I’m recommending. Don’t concede. Take a hit for unity. Be the bigger man. A classy martyr- not a loser victim. 

Trump

A loser victim?

Roy

Then you’d have to go back to being a Democrat.

Trump

How do I do this?

Roy

Look, I’ve got two more clients I have to pow wow with tonight. 

Trump

Who’s more important than the President of the United States?

Roy

Exactly, Dick’s going through a rough patch.

Trump

Nixon?

Roy

It’s been a tough year for everybody. But don’t worry. I fixed you up with three advisors.

Trump

Are they dead too?

Roy

Judge for yourself. The first advisor will be here when the clock strikes one. Try to get some sleep before that.

Trump

I’m teeing off at 8.

Roy

You might get your eighteen holes tonight.

Trump

Roy, can you dead see the future?

Roy

She’ll come at three. Remember me..!

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trump Finally Let Autumn Fall

 

Even before he ever thought of running for the presidency, Donald Trump was no fan of winter. While attending New York Academy he was known to complain bitterly that none of the nation’s Ivy League colleges were in the more temperate regions of the United States. 

In his college admissions essay to U Penn’s Wharton Business School he accused Canadian Communist clothing manufacturers of imposing the change of seasons on the entire hemisphere in order to extort the sun loving free people south of their border into buying down and woolens.

(Un)real estate and entertainment success afforded Donald the opportunity to live in Florida when he wasn’t busy firing people on national television and gracing the front pages of the New York tabloids. To those who have long known Donald, it was assumed that his war with winter had ended in a draw- until he became the lame duck president. 

Since that Saturday the Democrats danced, the president has been obsessed with buying enough time to halt the imposition of the coming colder season which he was planning to forestall until the Vernal Equinox in late March. 

By secret executive orders, President Trump deployed the Air Force to halt the southern migration of birds telling the Pentagon that it represented a severe economic drain on the American tourist industry and wild egg futures. All trees on federal lands were ordered to hold onto their leaves until fresh green ones were budding to take their place. All fury animals in the national parks, the national zoo along with dogs used by the military and federal law enforcement agencies were ordered to not thicken their coats under penalty of reduced rations. 

President Trump did try in good faith to bid Biden to extend this regimen for the first two months of Biden’s term in order to get the country to spring break un-chapped but Biden, a known lover of skiing, fireplace cuddling, hot chocolate and other cold weather perversions, declined. House Speaker Pelosi, a native of Baltimore, Maryland who had long ago escaped to the San Francisco Bay Area, wouldn’t hear of it.

The president had been contacting governors, mayors and county executives to widen the Fall foliage ban to local parks and lands. In July, he cajoled famous fashion houses not to succumb to a new season siting Covid concerns. His television network contacts along with the pandemic restrictions put a kibosh on the new Fall broadcast season. 

Still, autumn slowly and belatedly has been taking place giving ever greater threat to winter following. And then the election happened- sort of. So finally, last week, in desperation, with his legal challenges failing, the president brought in all the top officials and scientists from NASA to brainstorm what the United States could do in the next four weeks to correct the tilt of the Earth. 

“I hear all this nonsense from the climate changers about global warming when all you have to do is stick your head out the window in most of the country,” the president said yesterday. “Given another four years I could have made America summer again.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Let The Dead Vote!

Satire1, in response to the numerous accusations that the dead are deciding the current disputed election, has concluded that both the Lying Liberal Media and the Evidence Unburdened President have both ignored the voice of the American dead and has sought to correct this obvious injustice. 

In this pursuit Satire1 has spent the last three days contacting spirits, ghosts, mediums, gypsies and owners of analog television sets and landline telephones to get a sampling of the opinions and actions of the deceased during this election week. 

Former Supreme Court Justice Scalia

“Ever since the passing of the generation of the Founding Fathers this country has been ruled by the dead. To this day we are guided solely by the unwritten intent of the writers of the Constitution. I, as a Original Intentionalist, was blessed with a gypsy maid who put me in regular contact with Al Hamilton and Jimmy Madison, the main authors of The Federalist Papers. Now that I’m also dead we all play golf together and never mention politics or law.”

Abraham Lincoln

“I voted in Illinois Tuesday where my spirit resides. I must say I gave quite a scare to the poor young poll workers who were kind and brave enough to fill in for the usual seniors leery of this new germ that’s been getting all the attention. The seniors never seemed to pay me any mind in the past. I’m just kind of a shadow that falls across their minds every time democracy gets dusted off again.”

George Washington

“I’ve voted in every presidential election in Virginia since we’ve had them. I practice every American’s right to write in my vote. I always put down NOT ME. Let some other chump have that office.”

 Carrie Nation

“I smashed more saloons in my time than probably almost anybody and in most states bars used to be closed on election days but after this week I think I need a drink.”

Hilary Clinton

“People continue to mistake me for being alive just because I’m still breathing but believe me no one is as dead as a frontrunner who loses an election.”

Mark Twain

 “Now why on earth can’t the dead vote in this election? Just take a look at the candidates. Both the Orange Bear and the Silver Fox look like they just got off of a drunk mortician’s table.”

Don Arrup

Satire1