Happy Merry Happy

With President Donald Trump declaring the traditional Christian holiday greeting of Merry Christmas legal again Satire1 set out in the streets of downtown Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee to interview anonymous shoppers, workers, streetwalkers and flaneurs on their thoughts on the controversy.

Guy with a big dog

“No guy should have a birthday party and a lot of women too because the birther and not the born should be celebrated. I mean, the mothers do all the work. Labor. Your birthday was Labor Day for your mother and you don’t even give her a balloon.”

Girl with hogtails

“We don’t believe in religion. Only the Bible. And my daddy told us that you shouldn’t say Merry Christmas to anybody except on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Anybody says it to you earlier or later than that is just trying to stick his hand in your pocket.”

Man wearing a hat

“I was raised in a strict Orthodox home and Jews don’t worship other Jews. But I did hear about the animals talking on the eve of his birthday. It’s incredibly weird but I can imagine myself liking it.”

Man with no hat

“We always partied in the barn when I was growing up and I never heard any of the animals talk but I did hear that a girl could put out on Christmas Eve and still be a virgin after the holidays if she didn’t get knocked up.”

Not Isadora Ducan

“The Man with no hat that you were just interviewing is correct. I was immaculate three times in high school and it can lock down a good boyfriend.”

Beard

“Chanukah is the festival of the lights and if the Christians want to put up lights everywhere for a Jew who had his own ideas I’m not offended. Hanukkah is eight days and Christmas is one or twelve depending on the song. Jews go by the lunar calendar because we are looney. Christians by the solar calendar because they get all worked up about the Son or Sun. I don’t know.”

White Guy with glasses

“Chanukah and Hanukkah are the two Jewish Christmas holidays and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are Christian Christmas holidays and then Kwanzaa begins which has a kinara with seven candles not a menorah which has nine. Christians have a tree and it depends how big and flammable it is.”  

Woman looking like lipstick

“Thank god, I am so sick and disgusted with these diluted civilities. Every time you say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas you’re just crucifying him all over again.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

The Weinstein Defense

My first woman was my mother. I was inside her. That was our early relationship. But I got too big and she pushed me out. Then the nightmare began. Being born was still an affront to the medical profession which slapped me on arrival. On the buttocks. I was spanked for being born. Held up naked for anyone who chose to view. Handed around like a B girl at a below decks sailor orgy. 

I was naked. Not just with no clothes on. Pre clothes to be exact. Born naked. Kept naked. Swaddled. A fat man’s handkerchief and two bobby pins. It would be years of inexpressible exposure, manipulation, violation and penetration before I would experience the dignity of pants. 

And I am not alone. 

I didn’t ask for the nipple. I was crying for shame. Not hunger. Not sex. I was smaller then. The boob was to me bigger than a house. And the Cyclops eye of the breast swelled faster not toward me as much as inside me. Now we’re even. I was inside you and now you are inside me. The only orifice that mattered then. I didn’t even use it to breath with when I was inside mom. 

I don’t know how nurses can sleep at night. They treat you like you’re just part of the crib. Roll you over- out of the way- to keep the crib straight. On other floors they were pushing around big people they wouldn’t give their clothes back to. And they’ve got needles. Big as the doctors. So what’s the circus about the clitoris?

Women today are complaining because I grabbed and kissed them? I’m only twice their size. I had aunts and neighbor women ten times my size picking me up by the ass and brining in lips as big as hams and wet as oceans. Sogging, slobbering, fussing, mussing lipskicked red hams waxing my cheeks- half my face- with petroleum based red dye number die mouth markers god damn.

Women are rapists. Mothers are rejectionists. Expellers, like the Pharaoh in Egypt. And the Red Sea closed her legs on him. But not them. They call their rape affection. They call their rape nurturing and caring and sharing and loving and then shove a box of cheap shit chain pharmacy chocolates up your ass because your mouth is taken. Conquered. By the Nipple Bitch. Nipple Bitch Rapist. Here, open your mouth. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

I Guess Puerto Rico Didn't Know It Was On The Apprentice

President Donald Trump called an emergency meeting of the White House National Security Team and the Cabinet members to discuss the possibility that the relentless bombardment of business as usual could continue into next week and leave the government no choice but to clean up the countless disasters nature, Washington and Wall Street have rendered. 

Satire1 interviewed countless White House staffers and relatives (same thing) on the prospects of actually running the country.

Great Aunt

We were just getting good at The New Apprentice, Natural and National Disasters Edition when suddenly the wind stops blowing, the terrorists run out of ammo and there aren’t any new floods to draw attention away from the last headline. This is going to hurt our ratings.

Poor Relation

I don’t know. I belong to some agency around here and they’re talking about going to Puerto Rico which they say is so flooded the people there don’t have water.

Dutch Uncle

They can send me anywhere in the world where they have their own NFL team. Well, not Arizona. I told everybody near the border the wall would be up before Christmas.

Kissing Cousin

The mayor of San Juan kept addressing the President like he was her husband. I’ve never seen that work on a husband and I doubt it works on presidents.

Half Brother of a Half Brother

After Texas flooded I had calls from every Lt Governor in the the fifty states and protectorates and I said the exact same thing to everyone of them. FEMA has got more than enough funds for half a disaster. Don’t have a second half to your disaster and god help you if you aren’t the first one. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

No Thanks Giving 17 & Black Fridays Matter

Twitter doubling Tweet text characters? Now!

Nuclear Winter Olympics in North Korea

“Mother Country” England wants to know if she can move in with US

Puerto Rican Vacation

NObamacare 

You have the right to remain silent and you can buy others silence with no disclosure

Too big to fail got bigger

Too rich to tax got richer

Too poor to thrive got addicted

We had less income inequality under a king

My favorite interviewer, comedian, actor and journalist- does that make me a scumbag?

Ask women out. Don’t just whip it out.

Uber

Black Friday so American families can be as broke as their government

The big jet and house are not enough. The president wants gratitude.

The Supreme Court ruled no one can go to a public toilet because we are all transgender

Happy Bird and Black Day

Don Arrup

Satire1

No No November 17

The latest sweep in the Middle East was made by the hot Saudi Crown Prince Mo B. Salman who has imprisoned billionaires and eleven of his fellow princes in a grand hotel most of us would kill to get in. Cleaning up the corruption in Saudi Arabia is like trying to get the violence out of Mixed Martial Arts.

As our second most important ally in the region, there is a slim chance that the women of the country might be treated as adults and their education system both internal and exported might stop calling for the total destruction of the United States and Israel.

President Trump praised recent developments in the kingdom. His son in law had been popping in and out of that sandbox like a four year old with a nervous bladder. No member of the fifteen thousand strong royal family is allowed to leave the country as the Crown Prince and King Pop consolidate power that used to be distributed a little more equitably among two thousand princes.

With a neighborhood Vietnam called Yemen and the economic nut squeezing of Qatar, Sunni’s big daddies can’t see past Shi’ite Iran’s shit tight progress in all things diplomatic and nuclear. Though Trump blows bluster he is throned on the other global broken toilet trying to order Chinese to takeout his Kimchi-Un bellyache.

Funny how Saudi Arabia and North Korea are looking more alike. Protectors of the Muslim holy land and Hadj keep succession a family matter just like in so called Communist People’s K. I didn’t know Putin was Lenin’s great grandson or is he Stalin’s? Xi Jing Ping Pong definitely looks like his dad Mao and Castro’s bro is the Cuban to go.

Which brings us to the Lord’s message to the NRA and churchgoers everywhere. If you are massacred by a Christian it is a case of mental illness. If a Muslim slaughters you it is Islamic Radicalism. Guns don’t kill people. Religion does. Thank god and praise Allah for clearing that up.

Don Arrup

Satire1

2017 All Boo Lineup on Fox and MSNBC

Fox News Schedule

12am  Roe vs DeSade

4am    From Russia With Funds

7am    I Wake Up Tweeting

11am  Capitol Hill Has Eyes

1pm    The Legend of Hell House of Reps

4pm    Harvey Weinstein Audition

7pm    The Prosecutor Who Couldn’t Be Fired

9pm    Repeal and Replace

MSNBC Schedule 

12am   The White House on the Right

3am     Shadow of the Deregulator

6am     Mad Science Denier

9am     Global Barbecue

12am   Tweets from the Crypt

3pm     Election Day

6pm     A Date with Cosby

8pm     Party of the Undead Leadership and Ghosts of Candidates Past

Don Arrup

Satire1

Who's Blowing Storms and Scandals

Trump blames every problem on Mexico and the Democrats try to prove that Russia is the root of all evils but Satire1 has unearthed evidence that both are correct. Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby are both double agents working for Mexico and Russia simultaneously to disrupt elections, debase American entertainment, set back the cause of women and flood or burn as many American homes as possible.

Meteorologists for the FBI have confirmed that Hurricane Harvey was indeed Hurricane Harvey Weinstein performing his bathrobe and mash act on a coastal scale in Texas and then harassing Irma out of her harmless Atlantic spin to race for her dignity up and down both coasts of Florida.

“Maria had no plans for a Caribbean vacation but had to sweep south and west when the terrible open bathrobe came after her,” according to the FBI report. Many Puerto Ricans suspected that the great white Hollywood whale might be to blame for their set back to the 18th Century.

“All these supposed natural disasters might have only been a distraction to get Cosby off the front pages so he could prepare central California for his barbecue that was to leave only Hollywood and Silicon Valley intact,” Special Agent Walrus explained.

The entire operation was coordinated out of a Domino’s Pizza shop in Baltimore, Maryland’s famous French Quarter. Years of meticulous planning from the silencing of leading actresses who usually become the spokeswomen for victims of natural disasters to fueling debates over global warming and the redefining of collegiate rape led to the nation letting down its guard and pants to the duo diablos. 

“Harvey Weinstein was always a hurricane. Whirlwind producer/seducer of films of every genre, crossing the oceans and continents for victims and talent and always in a hurry hurry hurry. Bill Cosby played it cooler. Upset that his outlandish explanations didn’t cause earthquakes along the San Andreas fault he switched tactics to burn the women of central California who he claimed were infected with yeast.” 

President Trump lamented that he has been friends with Weinstein since they attended Putin’s Secret Billionaire Indoctrination Camp together in 2004 while Hilary Clinton said that Mexico only had the best of intentions in destroying the economy of the southern half of the United States.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Hugh Hall Hef

This month we lost both Hugh Hefner and Monty Hall, the world’s most notorious playboy and television’s ultimate salesman and though we were told that the mystery was what was behind doors number one, two or three it was the other side of the gate of the Playboy Mansion that held our fascination. 

The carefully choreographed and extensively photographed fantasy of Hefner’s hedonistic heaven with young women so cute they didn’t need to be built and so built they didn’t need to be cute adorned his magazine and domicile even as Hef graced into the extreme codgerdom of 91. 

His perennial penile pipe and more recently adorned white yachting cap only made his forward leering posture the nightmare of the wealthy Popeye.  

Starting in the last months of the Kennedy Administration, Canadian Monty Hall created, produced and hosted Let’s Make A Deal that exploited the contestants’s needs and fantasies with a three card monte style faux giveaway show. Its “lucky” victims were chosen from a mob of desperate humdrums dressed for maximum humiliation. 

Monty carefully navigated their choices between tightly rolled wads of greenbacks and curtains hiding joke gifts, off brand furniture and appliances and off season tourist junkets. The entire program was based on duping contestants out of  their last shred of dignity with a bevy of tacky room sets and desert heat vacations. Appliances by no name companies were erotically massaged by models while the voice from above described them.  A full one third of air time was filled with outright commercials for cheap crap masquerading as enticements.

The daytime show was a perfect fantasy for housewives desexed by childrearing and isolated drudgery: a well dressed, charmless, harmless man offering gifts and excitement and drama. Choices. The unbearable horror of choices. 

Contrast this with Hefner’s two late evening television offerings, Playboy’s Penthouse and Playboy After Dark. Both short run variety shows were set in Hef’s apartment where performers and models listened to and ogled each others talents. The pretense that the fashion and passion advise of the libertine philosopher could turn even a nerdy, dirty Chicago divorcee into the world’s happiest and hippest fellow was the underlying premise of both programs.   

Monty Hall was the only thing to look forward to on my bedridden school days after I Love Lucy. HH’s magazine opened my eyes to more than just bosoms. I first read feminists and Nobel Prize winning authors, interviews with Castro,  candidate Jimmy Carter and leaders of Civil Rights movement. And I loved the cartoons.  

Farewell to thee leading purveyors of late 20th Century fantasy. For now both of you know for all of time what lies behind Door Number Three.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Hurry-Cane Health Care Bill

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) declared the third attempt to repeal and replace Obamacare dead after a five day attempt to resuscitate a warmed over clone of the last bill. Senators Bill Cassidy (R-LA) and Lindsey Graham (R-SC) spent an entire lunch break ten days ago carefully crafting an alternative health insurance proposal claiming that “not a millionaire will lose their Medicare” on. 

Libertarian Republican Rand Paul of Kentucky called the bill another “fake repeal” while John McCain (R-AZ) threatened to check back into the Hanoi Hilton for his brain cancer treatment if this bill passed.

Just after Senator David “Chick” Perdue (R-GA) complained that the Republican caucus has had nine months “enough time to bake a baby” to repeal Obamacare Senator Susan Collins (R-ME) pointed out the bill was crafted in less time then it took to conceive a child. 

“Bill Cassidy and the Slam Graham Kid should have just played another two holes of golf rather than waste time and paper on this bill,” Senator Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) said. “You can’t write major legislation that affects the health of the entire nation by what comes to a premature ejaculation of a two handed circle jerk.“

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Trump Denies Entry to Jose and Maria

In an interview at the United Nations General Assembly yesterday, President Trump announced that hurricanes Jose and Maria were undocumented atmospherics and would not be allowed to cross United States borders.

Though none of the bills submitted in Congress extend a path of citizenship to hurricanes or typhoons, the president, uncharacteristically subtle, implied that those with northern European names (Harvey & Irma) were welcome while those with Hispanic handles were not. 

Representatives of the three quarters of a million New Yorkers of Puerto Rican descent protested  pointing out that Hurricane Maria was named after the most popular song from West Side Story. Trump said the song was about a Puerto Rican girl and Puerto Rico is where the hurricane is headed. 

“Houston will be protected in the future as we are going to extend the wall to protect us not only from invasion from Mexico but also from the Gulf of Mexico,” the president said. “This should also protect most of Florida. My first and most sacred duty as president is to protect the swing states in an election year.”

Meteorologists from across the globe concurred that hurricanes have never been recorded breaching the Great Wall of Kansas and that flood insurance costs in Arizona and New Mexico should come down. 

“The American people elected me because the American people want to suffer American disasters. Enough of these half assed, half spent hand me down hurricanes that a bunch of little tourist traps and tax shelters pass on to us after all the real drama is over.”

“There will be no more page two destruction, after the commercial coverage and unworthy of pundit pontification national “events” while these so called countries that are too small to even make a decent golf course out of grab all the attention and sympathy.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

iPhools

(Scene: The bridge of a 23rd century starship just after a huge pop bang boom!)

Captain Kirk

My god, what was that Spock?

First Officer Spock

We just went through some type of antimatter hurricane in space. We are presently following the heels of a giant hurricane on your home planet.

Kirk

I could use a weekend back home.

Spock

The computer indicates that it must have also been a time warp. The year is 10 iP.

Kirk

Ten years after the first iPhone?

Spock

Apparently. I’m picking up images of humans with earplugs visually submersed in the tiny screens they hold before them and follow.

Kirk

It must be the late teens of the twenty first century when the computer companies gave up on robots and decided to enslave their customers instead.

Spock

I’ve read that it took less than a decade. 

Kirk

The amazing thing is how blatant Apple was. They literally called the master bot iPhone. The small i was the customer who was surrendering himself to the capitalized super gadget. 

Spock

Yes, it was marketed as a useful tool when in reality it was turning the customers into useful tools. 

Kirk

App and plan buyers. Apple had competition but with people lining up for hours to sacrifice themselves there were more than enough suckers to go around.

Spock 

Smartphones and idiot buyers.

Kirk

In no time the foolphones were replacing human interaction.

Spock

Every one of the meager cognitive abilities humans had evolved were being replaced by apps.

Kirk

My grandmother told me her grandmother couldn’t add or subtract, had any idea where she was without GPS. She didn’t even have any idea what to feel or where emotions might come from outside of emojis. 

Spock

Perhaps it was senility.

Kirk

This is when she was twenty six and at the top of her class at Harvard Business School.

Spock

Didn’t a tycoon run the United States with Morse code in that period?

Kirk

I think Morse code was in the war century. Tweets. He ran the free world with Tweets.

Spock

Like Tweety Bird?

Kirk

Yes, the symbol was a bird. He must have been Tweety Bird or Twitter Bird. Blond fellow. Big pants.

Spock

Within a generation the eyesight of children was closer to a mole’s than that of their parents. The four fingers on each hand began to web and thumbs developed an extra joint. The memory area of the brain shrank from a baseball to a peanut. 

Kirk

People constantly documented their activities and tried to seduce their phones with naughty or humorous photographs of themselves to prove to their masters that they were worthy of them. 

Spock

From the images I’m collecting presently it appears that we are at the lowest point for the humans of Earth. Sensors are picking up what appear to be electronic mating calls. Apparently humans couldn’t even mate without their phones. 

Kirk

That was a long time developing and for many phone procreation was as far as they progressed.

Spock

Frankly Captain, I am surprised your species survived.

Kirk

The citizens of every country handed over their entire lives, relationships, finances, education, sanity and sovereignty over to Internet computers.

Spock

How did they ever free themselves from their phony fetish?

Kirk

Something newer and shinier came along.

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Yuma Owe Me An Explanation

Dear Bookbag,

After four visits in the first two days of my holiday weekend from Supervisory Special Agent Heffernan and Field Agent Anistossio and the six hour long “interview” at the FBI office below Chambers Street on Labor Day when I could have been fingering my flute to commercial soaked reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies I am a little ticked. 

Every time you and Midge go to a “pool party” North Korea ups their atomic pop somewhere underground in the Pacific where all pool parties take place. I know it only made the Times this last weekend but the pop off really was the week before as if you didn’t know. 

The Bureau wanted to know what an itinerant stage scribe and curriculum marm were doing at an outdoor North Korean reception in Baltimore drinking H bomb shots and Thermonuclear wine while President Trump’s and Xi Jing Ping’s pants were dropping faster than real estate prices in Seoul. I told them you two go wherever the wine is free.

Then they started asking why you two were no longer walking in the park formerly known as Robert E. Lee. I told them some hip shit hammer toe stories which they didn’t buy for a second so I went off into some Lady in the Lake Roland riff about a former Army sergeant penpalling the hotsy tot from his hometown high school and a mink pillbox virgin champagne pop what- 

did you know John Ashbery died? Later. Who doesn’t love dead poets? 

Supervisory Special Agent Heffernan wanted to know why you two were stirring up civil war in Korea just like you did in the United States before you started dating. 

I told them I didn’t know. Was it the sushi connection? Were you tired of people cooking meat on a table? And what they do to cabbage. Or was it that fat guy who dances to the music that sounds like a cat trapped in the back of an old television? Before flat screens.

They asked about your relationship and I told the agents that maybe Midge thought she was marrying Paladin from Have Gun Will Travel but she ended up with The Rebel Johnny Yuma. Not bad really. Most women of her shoe size thought they were marrying Paul Newman or Robert Redford and ended up with Mr. Ed.

They wanted to know if you still had that journal you kept of your adventures in Postbellum Texas and if you were still a Reconstruction Beatnik in your Confederate cap and buckskin shotgun low slung Remington Beals. Then they asked if you tore down Robert E. 

I told them I didn’t know. I did tell them that it wouldn’t surprise me. With Texas Ted and his grand old posse cruising back to DC, 10 gallon hats in hand and muddy boots to beg for what they voted against after Sandy nothing surprises me.

Heffernan and Anistossio eventually invited me to beat it and so I did. You probably are more Paladin today anyway. You dress really good for a straight guy. Not that I’d know. I surrendered to whatever doesn’t grab my ass every time I sit down. But I don’t miss Paladin like I miss Johnny Yuma.

Confederate ghosts spook some folks and comfort others. What statues stand for every community and generation will have to fight over themselves. There’s been a civil war over our Civil War fought left and right, North and South, in the light and shadows ever since Appomattox and sometimes it’s called civil rights. I guess it’s like our revolution. Never over. Never should be.

You ought to don your grey sky again and pony on down to Florida with a fuck it bucket. Bail out all the good folks who had their ass kicked by Irma. For all our politics and bullshit grandma and babies don’t have a color or accent when you’re pulling them out of the jaws of disaster. And whether the bronze boys are heroes or villains or North Koreans they won’t complain.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Alice in Issues Land

The US District Court of Manhattan has issued 212 permits this year to groups protesting the controversial Alice in Wonderland statue in New York’s Central Park. The court has also issued 420 permits for demonstrations supporting the work. The sculpture depicts characters from Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland just above the east 72cd Street entrance close to the Children’s Zoo.

Members of Leave Kids Alone claim that the posture and disposition of the seven year old heroine suggests she is “servicing” the oddballs and animals surrounding her and is a celebration of child molestation and bestiality while the Champions of Pedophilia counter marched claiming the figures depict our heritage of child marriage and cross breeding. Three Native American tribes claim that the mushroom the party takes place on is a sacred part of their religion while Japanese Americans think the mushroom represents Nagasaki’s worst day.

Last month, Antifa clashed  with supporters of the National Organization of Women over whether White Rabbit was White Supremacist Rabbit or Playboy Rabbit. As the blood spilled out into the street Brownshirts and Ku Klux Klan members entered and polished WR and pledged undying loyalty to the figure chanting “White on white is right!”

Over a dozen Tea Party groups from across the nation have paid tribute to their founder The Mad Hatter who has been particularly jovial for an inanimate bronze object since President Trump was elected.  A few conservation groups have made appearances questioning the absence of his Mad Tea Party mates March Hare and the narcoleptic Dormouse. In March, Black Rabbits Matter formed a strike line in front of the statue for a week protesting the absence of the dark March Hare and the prominence of The White Rabbit.

Food Purists and Anti-GMO groups chose to bring their own Mock Turtle figure who is not depicted in the diorama. Mock Turtle who sings “Beautiful Soup” to Alice as he blubbers has a calve’s head on a turtle’s body illustrating how a calve’s head was often substituted for the pure pescetarian delicacy. 

Other characters not portrayed in the diorama proved no less controversial. Numerous Democratic clubs and organizations that supported Bernie Sanders marched around the statue against the Clintons who they said acted like the Queen and King of Hearts in the last election.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Transgender Joe

By the winter of 1964 the four sisters next door had already divvied up the Fab Four for future wedlock and crowned Barbie the Queen of whatever activity her wardrobe suggested. The toy manufacturing terrorist organization Hasbro had long decided that the one inch plastic soldiers sold by the platoon to boys were of such low profit margin that Japan and Taiwan could have them. 

Hasbro, however, knew that there was no greater appetite in the world than an American boy’s hunger for war and destruction. The only question was how to satisfy and hopefully addict boys to a unique weapon, game or whatever that would require countless upgrades or ammunition. Their answer was a doll for boys: GI Joe. 

Hasbro realized that they couldn’t call Joe a doll. Gender confusion was a capital crime in the early 1960’s so the bros at Hasbro created the term “Action Figure” which in England was changed to “Action Man.”

Since GI Joe lacked reproductive equipment the neutral term “figure” remained both more accurate and more confusing at the same time. Countless boys wondered if they could be in the military when they grew up even though they had genitalia. Many boys, like my younger brother and myself, who had investigated our neighbors unadorned Barbie doll realized that Barbie and Joe were the same down there.

My younger brother, hypnotized by commercials transmitted between Three Stooges shorts, requested a GI Joe while on Santa’s lap that December. Santa came through and on one of those rainy winter days when we would venture next door to play with the sisters the dolls came out.

All of us were transfixed the moment my brother and the eldest sister Elizabeth turned Joe and Barbie to face each other. Nothing seemed to happen at first. Plastic can be very emotional but almost never mercurial. Barbie and Joe played it cool.

I never felt affection for either doll. They didn’t portray gender beauty or virtue. They lampooned it. In a way, the dolls reflected the rigidity of our stereotypes. 

By my high school years boys and girls were wearing similar unisex fashion clothes and hairstyles. Women wearing pants found their vaginas sealing up just as the doctors had warned. Long haired boys developed breasts and their penises shrank to clitoral dimensions. As gender disappeared in the late Baby Boomers political changes were taking place as well. Jimmy Carter and the Democratic Party embraced the death of gender but they were defeated by Ronald Reagan and the Cowboy Republicans.  

Conservative orthodoxy at the time believed that only the constant handling of firearms, power tools and sport utility vehicles could maintain American manhood so a mega defense buildup began. Gun laws, building codes and clean air regulations were eased or erased. As the waves of testosterone began slapping our shores again and newly skirted women’s vaginas opened like Morning Glories in sunshine a Golden Age of conflict free matrimony, prolific pregnancy and idyllic college romance reined for two generations.

But Life and the World have a way of balancing things out. This excess of problem free bliss allowed Americans to indulge and each year our girth grew. Now our obesity is destroying our gender. Testosterone abhors a belly and our shapelessness and abominable abdominal overhang hides if not smothers our sex. Psychologists and shoe salespeople report increasing incidents of citizens with neutral names like Pat and Terry forgetting their gender and standing in the middle of stores screaming for shoes. 

Appropriate footwear.

And isn’t that what we all want? 

Throughout these decades of sexual identity mayhem only Barbie and Joe have remained relatively unchanged. True, Barbie has put on a little weight and her breast bumps have succumb to the gravity of popular criticism. Joe has remained tight lipped about Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and Trump’s You’re Out of Here Because You’re Queer.

So, for those of you who don’t currently know a G.I. Joe, Satire1 interviewed one of the original twenty two million Joes produced by Hasbro in the mid 1960’s. Our Joe is a veteran of the Vietnam War, Grenada, both Gulf Wars and Afghanistan and ten pre pubescent American boys. He is presently unassigned and possibly retired.

S1

Private Joe. What are your thoughts on President Trump’s tweet that he will discharge every member of the United States armed forces who is suspected of being transgender or does anything to blur the lines of gonadial destiny?

Joe

S1

Would crossdressers in the ranks compromise our security and by they’re very presence draw sneak attacks from China, North Korea, Iran, Germany, Russia, Vietnam, Japan, Canada, India and Norway?

Joe

S1

Would fully embracing the individual’s right to choose their gender identity jeopardize hard earned protections for women like Title IX and minority contracts?

Joe

S1

As a doll, you probably don’t go to the bathroom but can you understand how women of a long oppressed minority might interpret men of any color or preference as invading what little public privacy and dignity this society affords them?

Joe

S1

Now that biologists have determined that gender is a delicate balance of the estrogen and testosterone that fluctuates in each human being not only throughout our gestation as a fetus but throughout our entire lives and is at least calling into question the concept of a lifelong fixed polar gender identification do you refuse to wear pink because the United States Armed Forces do not have uniforms in that color or because you feel that it looks and/or is girly?

Joe

S1

What relationship is demanded by the Constitution of the United States of America between individual citizens and their fellow citizens? Between individual citizens and their local government, state government and federal government? 

Joe

S1

Can I quote you on that?

Joe

Don Arrup

Satire1

How To Pass A Health Care Bill

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in the Senate Majority Washroom.

“Hey, Jack, been looking all over for you. Don’t use that soap. There’s no hot water and you’ll never get it off your hands. I’ve been thinking about your concerns about leaving Medicaid intact and, believe me, I am in complete agreement with you on this but even though almost a third of my constituents are on it- mostly in nursing homes- the only ones who vote in every election- Hank, he’s the numbers guy on this bill- he says that Medicaid is such a budget buster that it will implode of its own weight in ten years before anything in this bill even really kicks in. So, can I count on your vote? Every one of us knows there isn’t a damn thing in it you agree with but I guarantee it will play out just how you want.”

“Bill, Bill, there’s no toilet paper in that stall. Oh, too late. Well, here, let me just get some from this stall. Let me see if I can get this whole roll off. Doesn’t look like it. I’m going to feed you under the separator here the end of this roll and you just pull nice and even and you’ll have as much as you need. Don’t let it go slack. I think there’s some water on the floor here. Now, about your vote on repeal and replace. Can I count on your support this time? I know you feel that we haven’t given enough funds to Medicaid but it’s only a cap on growth not a cut. Maybe we better talk about this later. My glasses are fogging up. We’ve tagged Medicaid growth to the general inflation rate but the donkeys will be back in power sometime before all this kicks in so it really is no real fuss in the real world. You know we don’t deal with reality here. This is the Senate.”

“Tom, Tom, Tom Tom. Excuse me. Well, isn’t your wife the lucky woman. I wanted to talk to you about your opposition to cutting funds to Planned Parenthood. I can understand why a man of your endowment might hesitate to- opps- unexpected dip for the big boy, heh? You made quite a splash. Let me get you some paper towels. I can see why you might want to protect funds that deal with unwanted pregnancies but PP advises on abortion as well and you know that isn’t going to fly with our base. So, we were all hoping that you would reconsider and maybe we can slip them a couple of bucks in a defense appropriations bill. No one’s read one of those in decades. Okay? So you let PP go and I’ll let you go PP.”

“Chuck, Chuck. What? The zipper’s stuck? Here, I used to work on cars when I was a teenager. While I help you with- your shirt’s caught up in the upper teeth here again- help you with this we’ve got to discuss funding for diabetes and obesity. Now, I know you don’t believe that Americans are really overweight and I agree that the liberal media is run by anorexics but being what you call well fed - can you pull your stomach in some I’ve almost got it- both stomachs- well fed for a hog state can affect the health of some of our citizens from less vigorous areas of the country. Just two more teeth and you’re a free man here, Chuck. Now, can you free me?”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Let's Party

All you have to do to destroy the Democratic Party is give them both houses of Congress and the White House and they will pass legislation that nobody likes.

All you have to do to destroy the Republican Party is give them both houses of Congress and the White House and they won’t pass any legislation and will actually make the Democratic legislation popular.

Don Arrup

Satire1

From Russia With Dirt

Released emails coinciding with a last minute announcement by Donald Trump Jr. that he had contact with a nefarious Russian lawyer offering dirt on Hillary Clinton have re-sparked the Russian collusion controversy. 

Satire1 has returned to Loch Raven Boulevard and Belvedere Avenue in Baltimore, Md. to question the citizenry on the topic. 

Mother of Two

“I don’t see what relation Donald Trump Jr. has to the President except by birth. I get dirt on my sister’s husband- hell, he’s hit on me more times than I can remember- I only gave in twice- and I never share it with her. She wouldn’t want to hear it anyway.”

Guy with pants

“The Russians had dirt on a Clinton? Stop the presses! You can’t swing a dead cat over a chicken farm and not hit a milkmaid who hasn’t been molested by Bill and then threatened by Hill.”

College Student with no date

“Income inequality comes from information inequality. It’s like insider trading. How come the rich get all the great gossip?”

Woman with brown eyes and red mouth

“Why would Putin mess with us now? We couldn’t have steered ourselves straighter to hell than the way we’ve been going for a generation now.”

White Minority Guy

“Americans used to hate blacks but then the blacks became Americans too and there just wasn’t enough violence to maintain a status quo and there still isn’t.”

Child of Two

“Trump has Stalin’s haircut. You can tell a lot about a person by how they comb their hair.”

Unemployed Blacksmith

“Hey, Junior’s invited to a rendezvous with a Russian woman and it’s all James Bond and Bourne Identity so he brings his whole frat house with him?”

Ninth Grader in Spiderman shirt

“You have to go to law school to be a prostitute in Russia. Just like most of our politicians here.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Mop Job

The Grey Baboon Room on the second floor of the West Wing of the White House. President Trump talks to the cleaning lady, Millie.

Trump

What else did you find under the rug?

Millie

An 1888 silver dollar, two hairpins- I don’t know- they look like my grandmother’s- maybe even older- and Social Security Reform.

Trump

The silver dollar’s mine. You can keep the hair pins. I don’t need them. 

Millie

Thank you, Mr. President.

Trump

Is your grandmother still with us?

Millie

She died last millennium.

Trump

Well, I hope her hair looked nice in the box.

Millie

No casket. We just put her in her car at the end of the mall parking lot and torched it.

Trump

If I die- god forbid- here in office, I’ve already signed the orders to lay me out in the Oval Office and burn the White House down around me.

Millie

Shame they can’t burn the whole town down around you. 

Trump

Can you do anything with the Social Security Reform?

Millie

Well, that’s quite a mess that’s only getting worse by the day.

Trump

I could ask Mitch and Paul to help you.

Millie

Oh no no no. Not them!

Trump

Maybe I could charm Nancy and Chuck to come over.

Millie

Those are the four reasons I can’t get anything done around here.

Trump

Is there anybody from the other House or the Senate that could lend you a hand?

Millie

That I can trust?

Trump

You can’t raise the bar to the Moon, Millie. Under all those suits and haircuts they’re just legislators. Trust what they trust. Trust what I trust. Trust what everybody trusts.

Millie

In God We Trust.

Trump

On the back. Federal Reserve Note on the front.

Millie

Amen.

Trump

Unfortunately for you, I’m already married or I would marry you, Millie, right here, right now. 

Millie

I noticed you didn’t say happily married.

Trump

I just stretch the truth. I don’t beat it with a dead model.

Millie

Gazoontite.

Trump

Okay, sweep Social Security Reform back under the rug. I’ve got the wall to build anyway.

Millie

Anything in the East Wing you want me to tidy?

Trump

Well, there is this kid Kim.

Millie

I don’t do windows or North Korea, Mr. President. 

Trump

How about the kitchen? I hear some anarchists made hamburger out of Hamburg last night.

Millie

It’s the worst mess they’ve had there since we firebombed them wars ago.

Trump

How’s the pool? No oil spills, I hope.

Millie

Not recently. Do you swim, Mr. President?

Trump

No, I stand next to my wife when she’s in a bikini. It makes me looked tanned.

Don Arrup

Satire1