Parade of No Thanx

Popeye. Popeye the Sailor Man is coming down the avenue- that’s Sixth Avenue- for you! What did you do? To bring Popeye after you? You went to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

What if it’s too windy and they ground the balloons? Get everybody who still admits they want to be president and string them up.

Joe Biden can replace Mr. Magoo or Buzz Lightyear.

Elizabeth Warren- Pocahontas or Olive Oil. 

Amy Klobuchar in black is Felix the Cat.

Pete Buttigieg is Howdy Doody or Alfred E. Newman (I didn’t know he was gay).

Bernie Sanders is Hanukkah Claus.

Mike Bloomberg is Mr. Monopoly*.

Corey Booker is Black Panther (revolutionary or the super hero?)

Of course, President Trump would volunteer. 

Superman? Mighty Mouse? Donald Duck? Sponge Bob Square Pants?

Whereas some of the others need further inflation, President Trump will need some deflation to get his ego down Sixth Avenue.

*Regular readers of this blog are aware that the cartoon referred to as “Mr. Monopoly” has a name at least to his nieces and nephews and we’re all his nieces and nephews- Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Atlanta Debate

Racist Madcow

Senator Caramel Harry, who dresses worse?  Colonel Bernie or Donald Trump? You have two minutes to answer.

Sen. Harry

White men have no style. They all look like Gomer Pyle after he was kicked out of the Marines.

Madcow

Mayor Buddhajugs, same question but between Senator War-on and Hillary Clinton.

Buddhajugs

No one can dress worse than Hillary Clinton and she’s not in this race.

Madcow

You wish. Senator Colonel Sanders, Nancy Pelosi or the Aloha lay on your left- who looks like crap?

Sanders

Congresswoman Scabbard isn’t to the left of anyone on this stage. Maybe to the left of Adolf Hitler and Donald Chump. And Nancy Pelosi isn’t in this race.

Senator Globutcher

No, she’s busy beating off Donald Trump everyday.

Madcow

Doesn’t leave much for the First Lady to do.

Globutcher

And may I say it is about time we started having a substantive debate about real women’s issues like who dresses better and who needs to gain weight.

Senator War-on

Not me. Not me.

Globutcher

No, precisely you. American women already have to put up with wafer thin models, actresses and  cancer patients. Now you want them to have to look at another skinny woman when the news is on. You’re a disgrace to women’s appetites and farmers.

Joe Biter

I offered Lizzy half my hotdog in Iowa.

Madcow

You will be given an opportunity to respond during the commercial, Viceroy.

Yang Guy

How come you never ask me any questions?

Madcow

Because I know your answer.

Yang

Fine, but maybe some of the voters in the audience haven’t heard me yet.

Madcow

I’m sorry, what did you say?

Globutcher

Ask him a question, Racist. He looks like somebody pissed in his pencil case.

Madcow

Okay, Yin Yang Bang, how can you give every American citizen a thousand dollars a month and not explode the national debt?

Yang

Easy, I’m going to tax every American citizen one hundred and ten percent of their income. That will wipe out the nation’s debt in my first term.

Sanders

He stole my tax plan!

War-on

Only after I did.

Madcow

Order, order. One more outburst of agreement among the candidates on anything except trashing Trump and I’ll end this debate.

Biter

This is a date?

Senator Cory Boo

Moderator Madcow, how come you haven’t asked me how I turned the urban swamp of Newark, New Jersey into the world’s only true Disney City complete with a Sesame Street in every neighborhood and the highways paved in linoleum?

Madcow

Because it never happened.

Boo

Let’s say, for the sake of debate, that it did.

Madcow

Off with his head!

Boo

This is Atlanta, not Wonderland.

Tom Sty

I have a Constitutional question.

Biter

Then ask me. I helped write the Constitution with Tommy Jeff and his son and got my adopted state of Delaware to be the first to adopt it.

Madcow

Excuse me, string bean, who are you and what are you doing on the debate stage? 

Tom Sty

I’m Tommy Sty and I bought my way on.

Globutcher

He went from big donor to big boner.

Madcow

I thought you were a single issue asshole. Wasn’t it climate change last week?

Tom Sty

I change with the weather.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Down Root

As we approach the tenth summer of widespread drought officials in Washington have begun to address how to limit the devastation of wildfires that now threaten over half the country. Widespread bipartisan agreement in Washington blames the presence of too much oxygen in the air which feeds the out of control combustion of vegetation leading to the loss of homes, businesses and life. 

The Obama Administration had called for legislation to regulate photosynthesis in all members of the plant kingdom six years ago while Republicans favored deforestation of national and local parks and replacing natural fauna with Genetically Modified Plantae which doesn't fart oxygen.

As both sides continue to study the issue and draft legislation a number of legislators, administration officials and wonks weighed in on the issue anonymously:

"We've accommodated natural plant life in this country for too long. If it feeds us or the animals we eat- fine. Or if it makes good wood. But if we can't eat it or sit on it it's gone."

"We haven't been killing the oceans fast enough. I think a lot of this oxygen is sneaking over our shorelines from the stuff whales eat."

"I think the Federal Government has to make every effort to preserve our natural heritage so that future generations have an idea of what America was like before we trashed it. But right now plants are exchanging gases in an unregulated free market posing incalculable risk to our species."

"This is all the Sun's fault."

"You know what I call vegetation? Freeloaders. Taking up space, busting up concrete and pipes, crawling up walls and drinking up more of our water than a yoga student in July."

Don Arrup

Satire1