Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Liberal Concerns

Satire1 spent the weekend talking to marching women, prancing men and sugar drunk children about what might concern them about the new Administration. 

“The first executive order Trump signed allows the federal government to enslave any non-citizen while the IRS is intercepting remittances and redirecting the funds to the South Border wall to be built by the newly enslaved.”

“Trump wears low rise bell bottomed jeans when he’s alone with family in his tower.”

“The new president is brokering a grand bargain in the North Carolina trans bathroom rights controversy. Complete equality. Nobody goes to the bathroom.”

“He’s selling ad space on the newly minted twenties and petitioning corporations to fund a boob job for the Statue of Liberty so it looks more like First Trophy Melania.”

“Trump’s re-brainwashing Obama’s secret Muslim Army into peroxide patrols that hunt down immigrants and model bashers. Landlords will soon replace mayors and county execs while the banks take over the states. The plan’s called Trumpification.”

“After Putin moves into the United Nations headquarters from where he will run the United States and Europe, he will direct the Trump and Judy Show at Rockefeller Center which promises to be the biggest hit since Howdy Doody.”

“Second Amendment protections will be extended to armored vehicles, tanks and nuclear weapons. Nukes will require a background check with waits as long as two hours depending on the credit agency.”

“Many of the heads of state and other foreign dignitaries who attended the inaugeration complained that Trump greeted them only with a handshake instead of the crotch grab he gives to those he really likes.”

“Trump has already referred to America’s children as our most precious resource and now he’s moving to nationalize the wombs and vaginas of our citizens through a repeal of Roe vs Wade.”

“Trump said the best way to curb corruption is to raise the price to where only those who already own the whole world can afford it.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Trump's Original Short List

Satire1 once again scoops big media in obtaining now President Donald Trump’s original short list for his cabinet and national security appointments before the RNC bigwigs spanked him up.

Secretary, Director or Administrator of

Labor
Simon Legree, northern who moved to rural Louisiana to improve race and labor relations on plantations. Good friend of Representative Uncle Tom.

Environmental Protection Agency
Godzilla, native of the Sea of Japan originally made headlines protesting nuclear power and weapons. A bit hard on cities but will fight valiantly against Big Oil, Big Chemical, Monsanto and Mothra.

Attorney General
Perry Mason, a Los Angeles defense attorney renown for getting murderers off, particularly well endowed widows and molls.

Treasury
Ebenezer Scrooge, British, inherited partner Jacob Marely’s half of London’s premier investment bank. Rumors he is haunted by his past, present and future indiscretions.

Education
Jethro Bodine, nephew of Ozark oil tycoon Jed Clampett, jet set hillbilly and international entrepreneur rube. Loves “book learn’n.”

White House Chief of Staff
Cosmo Kramer, trend setting hipster doofus and unemployed man of a thousand talents. Instrumental in keeping sanity out of comedian Jerry Seinfeld’s life. Can get crazy with the N word.

Project Engineer of South Border Wall
Fred Flintstone, CEO Yabba Dabba Do Construction. Had hand in Stonehenge and Pyramids. Known for very individual style of business attire. Will need to wear pants. 

Veteran’s Affairs
G.I. Joe, veteran action figure from early Vietnam era thru current wars on terror. Has served in every branch of service including Coast Guard. Taciturn, stiff but never blinks in the face of adversity. Not expected to do well at hearing.

Energy
Rip Van Winkle, Upper State New York. Will need to be up on latest technology and challenges. Rumored to be twenty years behind the times.

Housing and Urban Development
Big Bad Wolf, infamous New York slum lord who treats his tenants like pigs. Like Trump, BBW huffs and puffs but rarely blows anything solid down.

Agriculture
Jolly Green Giant, frozen and canned vegetable pioneer. Former basketball star at WhatsAMatta U and in decades long litigation with Santa Claus over trademark Ho Ho Ho. Will also need to wear pants.

Health and Human Services
Dr. Victor Frankenstein, native of Germany known for innovations in transplant surgery and whose laboratory was first to employ hunchbacks, grave robbers and other minorities.

National Security Advisor
Henny Penny aka Chicken Little predicted the 9/11 attack early on the morning of the disaster. Says the sky is falling everyday but Turkey Lurkey and  Goosey Loosey swear Henny was especially emphatic the morning of the terrorist attack. 

State
Hillary Clinton. Hey, she needs a job.

Defense
Benedict Arnold, founding deadbeat father. Commanded West Point Fort before cutting a deal with corporate raider redcoats. Took his taxes overseas. Must be made to understand britches are not real pants.

Homeland Security
Captain America, patriot, super hero. Iconic shield ineffective against lawyers, hackers and microbes. 

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Nobamacare

Triumphant Republicans returned to the Hill this week to begin the hard work of winning the 2018 and 2020 elections. While Democratic lawmakers crawled up the Capitol steps in the dark of morning to the few seats left to them, House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Bully Mitch (the mean bitch) McConnell conferred with their cronies on how to paint the White House white again. 

“I’m from the sort of South,” said Senator McConnell. “Kentucky is the birthplace of Abraham Lincoln who fought our country’s bloodiest war in order to free the people from mandated health care.”

“Obamacare is the new slavery,” admitted Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “We take away everyone’s guns and pants and sit them on cots in emergency rooms because it is the only way to keep Americans safe in this age of terror and high rents.”

“I have no idea why we’re trying to cover people with previous conditions,” said Speaker Paul Ryan. “Healthcare is for broken legs and Viagra. Asking our doctors to try to keep people alive is ludicrous. I’ve crunched the numbers. Everybody dies.”

“Sixty per cent of our health care dollars go to people at the end of life and twenty per cent to those just born or soon to be,” said Former House Speaker Fancy Nancy Pelosi. “If you’re anywhere between our system is not for you.”

“I say we pass legislation tomorrow that makes cancer illegal.” said former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. “We did that with addictive drugs and look at the success we’ve enjoyed.”

“It’s time we took a lesson from the Chinese on how to handle health and medical complaints,” said former president Bill Clinton. “If something hurts or doesn’t work, they stick a needle in it. If that doesn’t work they just go on to bigger and bigger needles. It’s amazing how quickly people say they’re cured.”

“Medicare was legislated in 1965 when most people died in their mid sixties,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). “Social Security was passed in 35 when few lived long enough to be eligible. What the public fails to understand is that these programs were never intended to be used. There were there only for people stupid enough not to know when to croak.”

Don Arrup
Satire1