Beach Blanket Bunko

Early 60's teen idol Frankie Avalon testified under oath today in the ninth circuit court of appeals in California that he participated in what some public intellectuals are referring to as perhaps the biggest cultural Ponzi scheme perpetrated in the Twentieth Century. Avalon admitted that he accepted cash enumerations to portray himself as a teenager on spring break pursuing the late Annette Funicello though both were happily married and raising children with their spouses. 

The entire ruse was filmed at Big Sur in 1962 as part of a bogus documentary released to the American public under the title Beach Party, a study of California surfing culture. Aided by former Playboy centerfolds and sons of washed up Hollywood has beens, American International Archeological Pictures continued the series of seven propaganda films portraying California teenagers as fun loving, horny erotic dancers and athletes who might break into song at any moment. 

The Golden State Tourism Board has been under investigation for fifty years since the release of Beach Party as questions arose to Avalon's and Funicello's actual ages, the proliferation of perfect bodies and the source of the background accompaniment to the extemporaneous singing. The FBI and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Bikinis has retired agents whose entire careers were spent in hunting down the still elusive Big Daddy.

So successful was the scam that other big player con men enlisted Nancy Sinatra, Bob Denver and James Darren to lie about their age and submit to phony home movies of their beach and surfing exploits. An entire genre of popular music took over the airwaves created by suburban kids who had never even seen the ocean and commanded the top of the charts until the Beatles (four British virgins who had never been to second base) invaded with their four part harmony love songs. 

Avalon, who had testified under immunity, afterward told the press that it was only the passing of Funicello last year that allowed him to consider going to the authorities and finally put the controversy to rest. 

"It was a heavy burden to bear for half a century but we did it for love. For love of the music, for Southern California but most of all for love of the money."

Family members of Funicello confessed that Walt Disney was treating Annette like a rented mule after she busted out of her Mickey Mouse Club sweater and that after a childhood spent on the deception and depravity of the big ears Annette needed a new lie, an even bigger lie to smother the shame of the first. 

Avalon went on to admit that he had never surfed in his life and that the scientific evidence presented to the public was done with a back screen similar to the technique used in movie making. 

This revelation comes as a god send to the descendants of Eric Von Zipper whose garden cycle club fought heroically throughout the process to expose the scam. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Call To War

President Obama addressed the nation in his weekly radio address on the Top Dollars For Your Gold and Cartoon Network channels on Tuesday morning.

"Good morning. I would like to take this time to inform the American people that I have ordered the armed forces of the United States to invade the territories of Alaska and Hawaii in a pre-emptive strike against their imperial masters Russia and Japan. I want the American people to understand that this decision was not made lightly or in haste. I have had three full bowel movements since the proposal to plunge us into war with what were intended to be our forty-ninth and fiftieth states was made. 

Now, I know, some of you are asking yourselves, why declare war on two areas that we kinda think of as being a part of this country. But are they? Alaska is northern Puerto Rico, a huge welfare state and black hole for the tax dollars of the lower forty eight, politically controlled by an oil company, where the inhabitants practice rugged individualism while living off of kickbacks from the billions we invested in the pipeline. 

And Hawaii? Come on. No one is from Hawaii. No one ever was from Hawaii. They were a small group of flop islands for Pacific Islanders and Pirates since men first got in boats. The whole magilla is nothing more than a tourist rest stop between the Americas and Philippines. That's why anyone who has no idea where they were born says they're from Hawaii- including myself. 

This wasn't an easy decision to make. The White House has been in consultation with the leaders of both parties in Congress who agree that if either had an NFL or NBA team they could spared. But their continued presence within striking distance of our shores must be addressed and the American people's safety is always our top priority.

The potential benefits of an invasion, followed by an expulsion of the squatting populations, are almost too numerous to list. First, this will send a clear message to Russia that their policy of arming Syria and Iran will not be tolerated. To Japan, that the theft of factory jobs from American corporations in China must end. To the world financial community that the federal government is willing to make the necessary sacrifices by axing both a solid red and solid blue state in a spirit of true bipartisanship. And to the world that America can still actually win a war despite having history's largest and most expensive military.    

As I speak the Pacific Naval Task Force in Pearl Harbor has all but closed the noose on the ports of Hawaii as the Second Marine Division lands on the beaches of Honolulu. The Air Force's Strategic Bomber Command is leveling Fairbanks and Juno in Alaska as the Army marches up into Canada to join forces with their army to end the threat to our mutual borders. 

The full force of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization is being mobilized to supply the sunscreen and fur coats our troops will need to bring this crisis to a successful and complete conclusion. Not since the Great War of Grenada has the resolve of the American people been so tested. We can't fix any of our real problems so it is time to make up problems we can fix. 

So go to your nearest convenience store and treat yourself to a tall cool drink and a bag of candy and shoot anyone who doesn't look like you. Thank you and God bless America."

Don Arrup

Satire1

High Waisted Pants

I tend to listen better 

When I'm only half dressed

And find uncharacteristic humility

Half naked

A fact never lost on my wife

And common knowledge among doctors

The riot act read

As I sit on the examination table

Feet hanging off the edge

Feel like a kid while the Doc says I'm aged

Doc's right, of course

Right

Fried food doesn't taste good

Too much meat in the world

Salads satisfy

Cigars take too much time

And everyone everywhere

Loves to exercise

The watery decaf compliments perfectly

The bowl of crumbs

Soaking in the blue milk

Yum yum yum

Diet beer, soda water in wine

Bed before the news

Sex

Less frequent than crime

Age is all in the mind

If you don't look down

Or carry groceries up stairs

Or waste your time 

Counting hairs

Not so bad after a while

Soon you learn again to smile

But you never go back to the doctor

To feel better

Don Arrup

Satire1