With a Wave of the Hand

Both the lying and hallucinating press have narrowed their focus on just a handful of the boatload of executive orders signed by (Not?) President Biden so Satire1, once again, is here to fill in the gap on the more esoteric not laws that will rule our lives.

E.O. 13

Products of the Sun will be subject to tariffs until said star conforms with Daylight Savings Time

(Product destined for the state of Arizona is exempt)

EO 103

Revives Obama’s Fair Weather EO establishing a more equitable distribution of rain and sunshine across the continental United States.

(Also funds Obama’s defunded National Weather Making Service.)

EO 122

Illicit Sex Tax

(Infidelity and copulation on first and second dates will be taxed as income by the IRS. Penalties for one night stands.)

EO 123

Licit Sex Tax

(Socially acceptable sexual relationships will be taxed as assets which the IRS has already dubbed the ass tax.)

EO 169

A post Covid holiday on the fifth Thursday of August, Hug the Undocumented Day.

(All federal employees and military personnel have to give it upon request to anyone claiming to be a legal or illegal immigrant or descendent of such.)

EO 199

Pandemic Halloween Rain checks

(Last Day of April will be Halloween makeup night. Costumed children can legally threaten vandalism if not bribed with either alcohol, tobacco or lottery tickets.)

Don Arrup

Satire1

Coo Coo Coup

What was all the fuss about Wednesday in Washington? Fake news? You mean there’s real news? Voter fraud? At the rate that American citizens vote that would be blessing much to be encouraged. Socialists stealing our country? Not from us. The richest rich own almost all of it leaving us just the debt and pollution.

To clear up the confusion, Satire1 ventured into the crowd at and in the nation’s Capitol to find out what was on the protestors or rioters or revolutionaries or hell raisers minds. Below, a small sampling of their griefs. 

“Thank god there are still enough patriots around to save us from the Constitution.”

“Our cause is pure. We don’t have any evidence of voter fraud because evidence is never pure. Only bullshit can be pure.”

“Biden’s not even white! He’s Catholic!”

“Vice President Pence should be impeached. Where does he get off carrying out his duty? Did he forget he was a politician?”

“I got to Nancy Pelosi’s office but she wasn’t there. I wanted to sit on her lap. I missed Santa Claus last month because of the hoax virus.”

“They’re going to take away my Medicare and Social Security and replace it with Socialism!”

“Biden’s not a Christian. He’s an Irish!”

“They want to take down all our statues of Popeye the Sailor Man.”

“I grew up in the freest and richest country the world had ever seen. You used to be able to park your home anywhere.”

“Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln never ran for office. They wrestled their opponents for it.”

“What is with these Capitol Police? It’s broad daylight. We’re not wearing masks. So what if we smashed some windows and doors? Can’t they see we’re white people?”

Don Arrup

Satire1