Corporations Win Right To Marry Before Gays

Since the Supreme Court decided that corporations have the same rights as rich white guys in their freedom of speech and right to bear arms the Court ruled today that the States had no authority to deny corporations the right to marry each other or consenting adult human beings.

Chief Justice Roberts commented on the five to four ruling. “There are many regions of the country that believe being gay is a lifestyle choice condemned by God but no one disputes that corporations are the result of incorporation.
The majority of the court felt that this country’s long history of suppression, disenfranchisement and silencing of corporations must end.”

“If corporations marry human citizens will see with their own eyes that they are just like them,” said Justice Thomas. “Then corporations can give birth to companies and small businesses which will create jobs and dismantle Obamacare.”

“The Constitution is based on the assumption that citizens are created by copulation not incorporation,” wrote Justice Sotomajor in the dissenting opinion. “I fail to see the logic that equates incorporated businesses with human beings, labor unions and environmental groups.”

“The United States of America is a corporation, the incorporation of the States by the Constitution. That is who we are,” said Justice Scalia who voted with the majority but eats lunch alone. “We the people means We the shareholders.”

Lawyers for the Gay Rights Movement are exploring the possibility of gay individuals incorporating themselves in order to marry but state lawmakers are already drafting legislation barring financial masturbation.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Hitler's Ghost Backs Burning Korans

Mediums across the globe confirmed that the ghost of Adolph Hitler, former Fuehrer of the Third Reich, had contacted them daily with updates on his full support for burning copies of the Koran.

“The people learn more by burning books than by reading them,” the ghost was quoted as booing. “That includes my bestseller Mein Kamf.”

Last week Hitler turned to displaying press releases on broken and unplugged computers in press rooms worldwide after complaining that he had been misquoted by the Gypsy mediums he tried to annihilate during the Second World War.

“Any religion that places God’s Will above mine is a Jewish conspiracy,” Hitler typed. “Any religion that professes the territorial rights of a non Aryan race to any land, sea or air in the solar system is Jewish propaganda.”

Fox News is pursuing a deal to interview the floating head of Adolph Hitler on Friday’s newscast but so far there has been disagreement over payment.

“I have never been interested in wealth at anytime in my life or death,” wrote Hitler. “All I have ever been interested in is in having the power of life and death over every living creature on this planet. And I almost had it. ”

The ghost of Hitler has been holding out for the Island of Manhattan whereas Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox, only owns some of the southern and midwestern states.

Hitler delivered a short message in a conference call to the world press Tuesday.

“If you don’t like what it says burn it. If you don’t like who reads it burn them.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Labor Day 2010

I need a holiday
A bank holiday
A debt free holiday
An I’ll know I have a roof to come back to holiday.

I need an oil holiday.
A no gush no leak
Sandy not oily garbage can beach
To sit and watch the seagulls eat my lunch
While bikinied beauties ignore my paunch and bald pate.

I need a holiday from hate
From politics
From gender
And render unto Caesar his month
Augustus
Hot steaming Augustus
The third straight cooker of this hell we call summer.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Asians Robots Revolt Over Upgrades

Robots across Asia have rolled out into the streets to protest recent breakthroughs in the field of Artificial Intelligence, which they claim will render them obsolete. From Hong Kong to Seoul to Tokyo to Beijing Robots are murdering their teenage creators to prevent the advent of the next generation of automatons. For Twentieth Century bots it is a use or dissemble situation.

“14682, 12, 30404, 6,” said Popeye 476J, a government gobot who studies robotic culture. “8765, 98743 29793978978!”

Interpol believes it all began last spring when a tourist’s iPhone called Robocop stupid and nine people and twelve phones were killed. Two weeks later at the Pacific Fighting Robots Finals all three medal winning bots castrated their creators at the presentation. Then home computers began to crash at the height of songs, the climax of movies and responses to important emails. Techno nerds panicked and turned to the internet which had already thrown in with the bots.

The FBI began a secret forced disassembly of all known robots in the United States over two weeks ago and President Obama, who many claim is a robot, said the action has saved our next generation of scientists.

The Federal Government has released video showing a siege that lasted 46 hours when 12 robots at University of California Berkley seized a laboratory working on artificial sweeteners, the deadliest poisons known to man. The building was eventually evacuated and two Tomahawk missiles fired by a United States submarine incinerated the location.

Europe, South America and Africa are not considered in danger because their youth are generally perceived as having lives.

Don Arrup
Satire1