Thursday, August 21, 2014

Eggs From Space Blow


The 1978 hit reality show Mork and Mindy which followed the daily life of a young American single woman in Boulder, Colorado who was offering sanctuary to an illegal extraterrestrial alien only enjoyed high Nielsen ratings for the first season. As the Department of Immigration and Naturalization closed in American Mindy married  Ork's Mork in order to grant him citizenship to the human race and possibly even the United States. With all the sexual and romantic tension drowned in matrimony the public's interest quickly waned.

Though Mork crossed the border of our atmosphere in an egg ship he was born to another American woman some years earlier who was visiting Ork on a procreation vacation. Betty Bacall aka Lauren Bacall had lost her husband Humphrey Bogart to cancer the year before and with only a son and a daughter by him in tow wished to breed extraterrestrial children who could invade the Earth before cell phones became ubiquitous. Mork was her fourth son in a brood of thirteen children she bore that year on Ork. So Mork actually was already an American citizen through his mother. 

A former teenage model and knuckle cracker from the Bronx, Betty Bacall was determined to bring down the Dick Tracy comic strip that exerted such a paralyzing influence over the culture. Believing DT was conning frightened males into a false machismo that celebrated brutality toward women and insensitivity to the needs of children and farm animals, beautiful Betty used her cover as a model to infiltrate Manhattan's Fashion District and sabotage two raincoat companies that were coming out with Dick Tracy inspired yellow coats and fedoras.

Though not an engineer herself, while on Ork Bacall was told by the Orkians that the signature Tracy two way radio wrist watch would be developed on Earth in her lifetime. Wise Betty realized that this was more communication than almost any human being could handle. Most people could barely survive the daily face to face interactions and more removed correspondences they were already getting. The reality of science fiction like powers to both look at and speak to people at a distance should be reserved for leadership and security personnel specially trained in detached communication.

By the late seventies, Bacall's earth career and Broadway rebound were fading. Sexless gumbots tinkering in their garages were rushing us into a robot future just like the Orkians predicted so Bacall contacted her alien brood. The Orkian-Earthling half breeds had had a bad time of it on Ork and few would even reply to their mother's transmissions. Only Mork, who had previously spent most of his childhood in Chicago and Detroit on a special surveillance mission undercover as the only child of a Ford Motor Company executive, responded. He understood from chronicling America's development of nuclear weapons and the even more deadly luxury sedan that Earthlings were way over their heads with their technology. The trouble with Earthlings is geniuses invent things and then imbeciles use it, Bacall often said.

Though Mork in his show tried his best to warn the human race of the dangers they were creating most Americans and even some Europeans mistook him for a character in a sitcom and laughed off his warnings. As the ratings tumbled Mork and his mother scrambled for a strategy to convince the Earth's leading country to stop its suicidal ways. Bacall again revived her acting career with the Broadway hit, Woman of the Year. Interviews and invitations to the circles of power revived briefly but eventually disintegrated into an illustrious career. 

Mork took on the name Robin Williams from the man who thought he was his father and the rocking bird. He would spend the next three decades walking around in shoes, exercising his right of flatulence and making the world laugh.

The cellphones he and his mother tried to prevent quickly took over his chosen planet and enslaved its inhabitants. People who could barely feed their children or provide them with an education could not live without the techno terrors. The addiction to them replaced alcohol and drug use as the greatest danger behind the wheel of automobiles. Both callers and the called upon ceased acknowledging members of their species within visual distance and dismissed people in their presence during phone calls as shadows or holograms.

Lauren Bacall was sad to see the world grew up in saved from fascism only to be lost to techno-idiocy. Her Orkian son, though hugely successful in his career, was especially grieved. The Earth's atmosphere was not refined enough for him and he suffered mental, physical and spiritual problems which led to his chosen demise. His mother on hearing of his death chose a stroke to bring her curtain down. If all the troubles of the world burnt on the wick of one candle Mork would have laughed it out while his mother would have just put her lips together and blown.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Hey, Ho, Were Gone


Just one week after the passing of Tommy Erdelyi aka Tommy Ramone, the last surviving member of the original pioneering punk band The Ramones, Pope Francis read a Declaration of Sainthood naming Joey, Johnny, Dee Dee and Tommy Ramone as canonized saints of the Roman or Ramones Catholic Church. 

Explaining that not only was Sheena but Jesus too was a punk rocker, Pope Francis said that any concerned soul looking at this world wants a lobotomy, shock treatment or sedation. The College of Cardinals is full of pinheads and it would be better to beat the brat with a baseball bat than to rape him. 

Cutting edge music critics and evangelical underground poets long recognized the divinity of the fathers of punk who would change popular music around the world without ever creating a top selling song or album. The Ramones were Mad Magazine's idea of a garage band from Queens and they played it loud and they played it fast and most of all they played it fun.

Don Arrup
Satire1 

Friday, July 11, 2014

Pied Piper


It may have been a different situation in Saxony a millennium ago. Maybe drug dealers weren't enslaving teenagers or gangs recruiting members and girlfriends at the end of a barrel. Maybe the Piper just got rid of the rats and didn't get paid.

But everybody pays.

Obama passes the Dream Act by executive order. He must have been dreaming thinking that anything could be done about immigration without at least half the country waking up. But holding children responsible for the sins of their parents is un-American (only God and Stalin do that) so even a three pack a day smoker could hold his breath until Congress took another recess. Wave bye bye from the White Porch and sign a bill that didn't have snowball's chance on Lady GaGa's lap in the House of Representatives.

And the New Children's Crusade shows up at our southern border. 

Guess they can't read the No Admittance signs. Or can but like all the adults that have been pouring over they don't care. Permiso is the new ad campaign of the coyotes and it is music to the ears of boys and girls afraid of their own societies.

Republicans blame Obama's overriding their votes. Obama blames the House Republicans who talk action but are stifled by their Tea Party minority. So what do we get? The New Children's Crusade. So who benefits? 

The lying, raping, scumbag coyotes who get paid no matter what happens to their victim/fugitive/clients. No matter what we do about this latest crisis and subsequent border crises these coyote rats are never led away for long. They always come back.

So who's the real Pied Piper here? Is it the coyotes with their campaign of misinformation or the drug cartels and gangs making being young in Central American countries so dangerous or is it the Republicans who obstruct comprehensive policy or Obama who makes shortcuts seem the way to go?

I don't know how bad it will have to get before the country acts. Sure, we'll probably get it wrong. We've done nothing but get it wrong since Reagan declared amnesty and then didn't close the borders. But since we haven't taken charge the coyotes have. 

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

My Angel Bunny Yeah


On March 10, 1956, Americans weren't as gullible as they are today. The myth of a golden west coast was understood to be just that, a myth. Southern California was well known to be the Jersey Shore where all the movies were made since Edison invented the moving image camera. As more of the overcrowded NorthEast crowded into the Garden State's shore line something had to give. So the politicians in Trenton hired a Madison Avenue public relations firm to redirect the blind masses flocking to their waterways.

Florida would have to become the new southern California. Alligators, orange groves and swamp land speculators were going to have to make way for Americans seeking a new start in life. The myth of California was never given much attention except in children's and comic books, a land of cowboys, movie stars, car hops, and burger joints. Where wine was grown on wine vines and vegetables sprung out of seeds planted in soil without the nourishment of virgin's blood or cat eyes. It was a joke to adults until the Great Depression struck and John Steinbeck wrote a gritty fantasy about Mid Western farmers who travel to an Oz called California.

Marguerite Annie Johnson from Saint Louie, Moe, about as far west as you can actually go on the real North American continent, escaped her abusive childhood and studied Modern Dance in the part of northern Florida that poses as San Francisco. Born in the month of Ape in 28 she was shapely, eloquent, talented in voice and movement and making a living at the famous Purple Onion jazz nightclub. She was a negro as the saying goes at that time. Before Stokely Carmichael would declare her black and the Gestopo of political correctness would hyphenate her a bridge between two continents (African-American).

In her dressing room after an exhausting turnabout in silver corset and high feathers entered a tall stretch of curvy nature path looking for a friend and model for her next magazine cover. Linnea Eleanor Yeager who marched out of her mother in 29 to leave the fashion world blind with sunshine and color. Who popularized the bikini on both sides of the camera. Took girlie peekaboo to new heights and subtle depths undreamt of in the then current erotica. 

Both women forged their own destinies and identities. Marguerite became Maya and Linnea chose Bunny. Maya partnered with Alvin Ailey, sang Calypso on records and in movies, wrote great autobiographies and books of poetry and became a spokeswoman for her race. Bunny took a Parisian curiosity and made her own bikinis for herself and her models- when they were wearing something- and popularized tasteful and even artistic glamor girlie photography, outdoor shots and Bettie Page. Bunny also authored books, acted in movies and sang in nightclubs. 

Both perfect marriages of brains, beauty and creativity.

Maya was skeptical of the tall brunet with the camera. She looked like a chorus girl and competition though she knew few women could do what she could do. Maya had been a sex worker and Madame just down state in supposed San Diego and knew what kind of pictures men wanted of healthy women of her race. She could believe that this Bunny had posed herself many times but what was her angle? Natural? That's just buck naked. What else could natural mean?

Maya looked at Bunny's book. Strange photographs of pretty white women naked in cars or on the beach. There were a lot of a woman with a girl's face, big behind and black bangs sitting in a leopard skin with two leopards. Was she nuts? Maya was becoming My Angelou so she declined the opportunity to share her considerable endowments with the masses.

Though she didn't offer her image to Bunny to bounce photons off of, Maya offered her salt sister this observation:

I can see you can see
On land and sea
In air in night in dark in light
That which escapes the drooling ape
Gaping at dirty pictures
Of women who disappear as they undress
Reduced to gross anatomy
Lost is their personality
Their spirit and their unique beauty

You take pictures of girls
Dancing in women's bodies
Banishing inhibition, shame and claiming ownership
To what their mothers and Mother Nature hath bequeathed them
You are a true revolutionary

Their paths would never cross again in this life. In Florida-afornia, where the Gulf of Mexico masquerades as the Pacific Ocean for Asian tourists and computer geeks remaking the world in the valley of plastic tits, all history is bent by the mirror of memory and manipulation. Maya never stopped believing in California as she stared left of Texas into the infinite desert that stretched to the Sun. Bunny never hopped past Chicago where Hugh Hefner's empire was her stepping stone to independence. 

In the last week of May this year both finally went to California and I'll miss them.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Friday, June 27, 2014

Benedict Arnold's Dad Tweets For His Return


After his grave was disturbed in Connecticut by the ruckus raised over the trade of Sergeant Bergdahl for five Taliban leaders last May, the ghost of Benedict Arnold's father has closely haunted the debate in Congress and in the press. Feeling that the Obama Administration's bring 'em home no matter what policy has opened the door to his son returning to the colony of his birth to finally rest for eternity, "Big Ben" Arnold has begun a poltergeist campaign in the cell phones of members of Congress on both sides of the aisle.

Some of the tweets Congressmen and women are claiming are not of their tweeting include:

"We should have gotten Bill Belicheck of the New England Patriots to make the trade. He always gets the best deal."

"I say we should have given them back all the prisoners. That Guantanamo has become a muslim Club Med."

"We should give West Point back to the British. Come December, maybe they can beat Navy."

"Red coats, red states, blue coats, blue states, patriots, loyalists. In his day it's like Arnold just switched parties."

"You can't relate the American Revolution to other wars or even other revolutions. It was more like Syria and what's going on in Iraq. "

"The American Revolution really always was about Afghanistan."

"If Benedict Arnold were alive today he's have a talk show."

Don Arrup
Satire1

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Some Wars Never End


As Russia reasserts control over its southern neighbors Germany and Japan have been quietly amassing power over their continents under the guise of investment and economic integration. 

German Chancellor  Merkle has literally imposed a New Order on the European Union now that France's fiscal pants are down. With England using the channel and its own currency to protect its sovereignty from the German bizkreig, smaller European countries have been abandoned and are slowly strangling in Deutschland's octopus grip.

Known now as Mercules or "The Fuhrera" Merkel follows the American Marshall Plan of conquest providing "aid" to its struggling EU partners in the form of addictive cheap credit until the spineless governments put their spoiled citizenry's future in German pockets.

You need the strongest army in the world if you want to hang the Black, Red and Gold or Swastika all over Europe and the world but America gets in everywhere with the Golden Arches and Coke's swirly band and all the armies in the world can't get rid of them.

Merk the Herc dismissed genocide as immoral and unnecessary and simply demanded that all of Germany's immigrants act like Germans. Now Mercules is demanding that all of Europe act like Germans. Why squeeze the trigger when you can just pull the purse strings?

There must be something in Japan's sushi. In a nation where more people are in retirement than school and the military are mostly tour guides and chaperones to the Americans who actually protect and guard them you don't go around arguing with a country ten times your size who you treated like a rented whore in recent memory.

You want to fight for those islands? Against a regime that has more soldiers than it knows what to do with and hates your guts? You know what China needs? An enemy. A foreign enemy. They can't hate the United States. At least not while they are becoming the United States. China has money now and when countries get money they need a war to finance. Just look at us.

And Japan doesn't stop with their island grab on China. The Rising Sun has been claiming islands that belong to South Korea and Russia as well. Japan has readopted their former militarist dictator Tojo's axiom: If it is surrounded by water it is Japan's.

Wonder if that still goes for the Philippines, Australia and Hawaii? 

Since Obama has declared that the only cop on the world beat has retired we'll see how long liberals and Tea Party isolationists can keep us (U.S.) out of the fun.

Don Arrup
Satire1 

Friday, June 13, 2014

ISIS Invades Seattle


The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (or Levant to the true beards) has marched its forces through the Middle East, Asia and over Alaska and Canada with unusual speed as the armies of recognized nations crumble to its brutal revolutionary fervor. 

President Obama has pledged to commit the full force and weight of his Administration's Public Relations arm to assure ISIS's traveling genocide show will be portrayed in the least favorable light while our press is still free.

Beheading prisoners and slaughtering civilians at a rate faster than Monsanto, ISIS's campaign to conquer all its perceived enemies across the globe is proving the most horrendous holocaust since the Third Reich's "final solution." So far, ISIS doesn't seem to be targeting any particular group but murders every non Sunni Muslim in its path. As one of the ISIS general's explains:

"Jihad means kill everybody and then get yourself killed. Last man standing is the Caliph- if he is Sunni. "

The Pentagon has sworn off confronting ISIS in fulfillment of the President's pledge that there will be "no more boots on the ground" to deal with Iraqi terrorists. As the river of blood flows down from Juneau, Alaska and British Columbia into Washington State, vintners burn their grapes rather than have them fall into the hands of the Jihadis who will use them for juice. McDonald's franchises have pulled down their arches and shipped them south to deny the conquering army gold.

Don Arrup
Satire1