Friday, June 24, 2016

New Gun Out Of Control Bills

The majority of voters in both parties favor stricter gun control legislation while bills put forth by Congressional members of both parties went down to flaming defeat. Not all of the bills proposed were honored with a vote so Satire1 brings the bills and their authors exclusively to you for your perusal.

Senator Bush Whacker (R- Wyoming)
Recognizes the right of Death Row inmates to buy and own automatic weapons with high capacity magazines. 
“Serial killers and rapists/murderers are still Americans and should enjoy the option of going down in a blaze of violence.” 
Unlikely to be signed by Obama if passed

Representative Dora Matt (D- Maryland)
Denies power tools and kitchen cutlery along with guns to viewers of online porno and violent video games.
“There has been a 362% increase in cannibalism in the United States in the decades since the release of Pac-Man.”
Obama promises to sign if passed

Representative Bone Acher (R- Ohio)
Extends Second Amendment rights to robots assembled in the United States.
“They clean our floors and deliver office mail and should have the right to protect their closets.”
Obama promised to review after he gets his tie out of his zipper

Senator Paul Ball (D- New Jersey)
Directs the Department of Homeland Security to prosecute the use of finger guns and/or saying “bang” on school grounds from preschool to grad as an act of terrorism.
“You can buy a bazooka in half the states if you have a Popsicle stick with your initials on it. We can’t wait until students get the hardware to back up their threats.”
Obama says he’s been calling on this measure since he was a Senator

Senator Jack Umph (R- Alabama)
Targets a “Transformer Tax” on family vehicles owned by private citizens which can quickly morph into fighter jets, battle tanks or giant robots.
“More people are killed by automobiles in the United States than by guns almost every year so I think it’s time to make the most lethal and evil of cars pay.”
Obama wants one

Representative Gladys Haver (D- Oregon)
Background checks for gun purchases should include previous reincarnations.
“I dated a boy in high school who was Billy the Kid in a previous life and I just don’t think he should have a gun in this one.”
Obama said this bill spooked him

Representative Patricia Spread (R- Alaska)
Compromise bill proposing a five minute waiting period on all machine and Gatling guns sold at gun shows.
“I think a mature and responsible citizen can wait that long without too much infringement on their Constitutional rights.”
Obama said he’d think about it

Don Arrup


Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Bigots Confused

Among the tragedies of last weekend’s massacre in the Gunshine State is the existential limbo suffered by bigots unable to decide whether it was all the fault of Muslims or Gays. 

“We try not to split hairs or blame,” explained Horace Manlover, president of Fair Haters, an advocacy group representing white supremacists, homophobes and Bible Thumpers. “When one hated group attacks another you’d think we’d view that as a win-win but hate isn’t always that simple.”

“We have a man who had no business being a Muslim doling out God’s Will as written in Epistle to the Romans on sodomites who were dancing too late at night and into the Lord’s Day.”

“Now, some say that anyone dancing that late at night should be shot but I don’t agree. The Second Amendment protects the rights of Christians to shoot gays and Muslims at anytime on any day. This is our precious freedom. And though dancing is often used to celebrate infidelity and infanticide it can happen spontaneously to young children exposed to popular culture.”

“We pray to God and his infinite mercy to pity us and tell us who we should hate more.”

Don Arrup

Saturday, June 4, 2016

You Walk, You Die

As the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that the kingdom can now be sued for its role in the 9/11 terrorist attacks and President Obama, soon to be out of office and out of their pocket, dares to criticize the land of 5,000 princes, just when you thought Saudi Arabia couldn’t sink any further into the sinkhole of history it reached down down down into the sewer and pulled up Uber.

The Public Investment Fund of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia joins the black heart of BlackRock, Wall Street pirates Gold Man Sacks & Rapes, Captain Morgan Stanley and terrorist loving Qatar in funding the infant stealing, women trafficking, organ peddling, pedestrian murdering “transportation” cabal three and a half billion dollars. 

The tentacles of Uber now strangle 460 cities in 69 countries and its standing army of “drivers” in the Middle East alone has grown to 395,000 making it the fourth largest force in the region and over twice the size of Israel’s military.

Claiming to assist progress in the kingdom by driving license deprived women to jobs and relatives, Uber has been quietly switching out young women from under their burkas with elderly beggars to feed the brothels of Cairo and Cleveland. Oil obese SA has too many sons without jobs and daughters who require dowries. 

So Uber Technologies Inc. joins its brethren Al-Qaida, the Taliban, hundreds of American and Israeli hating madrassas Koran schools and anyone with at least a hand in Sunni Muslim terror or adventurism. 

Uber Fuhrer Travis Kalanick sits on the lap of Saudi King Salman but who is the ventriloquist and who is the dummy? Whose hand has discreetly slipped up the orifice of the other? Who is the bitch and who is the mother?

Since Satire1 has been exposing the innumerable crimes of Uber Technologies for some time we thought to ask the Presidential candidates for their opinion on the sins of the Strangling U.

Senator Bernard Sanders
“As a United States Senator with full access to intelligence reports I am fully aware of the international crime organization that operates out of San Fransisco- for god’s sake, it’s worse than Spectre in the James Bond novels- but the kids like that they are part of the dumb phone app world and it is the very pinnacle of irresponsibility and betrayal to tell your core constituency things they don’t want to hear.”

Hillary Clinton
“You’re asking me if I know about Uber Tech? As Secretary of State I had to create over a dozen special task forces to deal with their sex slave trade, kidney and other organ harvesting and their ridiculously overpriced rides. They’re more trouble than the Chinese, Putin and North Korea combined and that’s the difference between me and Donald Trump. I know exactly what I’m doing every time I cash their check.”

Donald Trump
“What? Uber, the car guys? You call them rapists, you call them murders, kidnappers, terrorists and worse. I call them businessmen. A lot of decent, hard working people have gotten a second or third or fourth chance in this lousy Obama economy through Uber. I bet you right now Uber is employing thousands of single mothers, foster teens and transgenders who nobody else would give a chance. They’re probably tied down spread eagle and gagged but it’s a job and what will help make America great again.”

Don Arrup

Monday, May 30, 2016

In Memorium

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this and other blogs like it possible.

Don Arrup

Friday, May 27, 2016

New Faces of 2016

The usual hack pols on last Sunday’s yak shows:

“Everyone trusts Hilary Clinton but Hillary isn’t a woman. He’s not even really a Clinton either since gay marriage wasn’t legal anywhere in the seventies and that’s not his real hair but everything else is authentic.”

“No, that’s not Trump’s real hair. He’s a celebrity. He’s New York. Multicultural all ethnic pan German not old money but not too new either.”

“Billary will look out for women. He identifies with them. Since he doesn’t have a real gender he’s all genders and preferences. He’s Bernie Sanders with his hair combed if you think about it. I don’t know why young people don’t get that.”

“I don’t know how real Republicans can’t fully support Donald Trump. I mean, the man is undeniably rich.”

“If you are liberal, if you are progressive you will forget about Billary’s Wall Street ties, years on the board of directors of WalMart, transgressing women’s biological territory in giving birth and warmongering- if you’re a real liberal.”

“How can anyone say Trump is anti-woman? Trump is a woman. It’s Donna Trump. The hands gave all that away months ago. Besides, there are no genders anymore. Like John McCain told Rachel Maddow on her show, ‘We’re all lesbians now.’”

How can you say Trump isn’t conservative enough on social issues? He shot his cleaning lady with a Smith and Wesson when she was trying to give herself an abortion in his broom closet.”

“Clinton listens to Punk and Christian Rock.”

“Trump doesn’t listen to music or anything else that competes with the sound of his own voice.”

“I know I said Trump is a charlatan, a misogynist and a shoe salesman but now he’s proven that he is wealthy enough to be forgiven all that.”

Don Arrup

Thursday, May 12, 2016

We're Off To See

House elephants spun in the air
Landed thump in the land of Trump
Bottle blonde Elvis hair 
Broad shoulders 
Billionaire’s paunch
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

I am the great and powerful Winner
Whose saliva melted governors and senators
Made flying monkeys out of pundits and scribes
Of course we’ll build a wall on the border
The whole country will be my castle

I will give women the best deal
They can kiss my feet
While men must kiss my ass
This is progress
What makes America great

I will expel all the demons
You blame for your decline
Call them names
Trump up charges against them
Who better than Trump
To do this?

Click your heels together 
And pull the lever
Punch the card
Mark the box
And embrace the Winner
As we sail over the rainbow
Taking the straw out of Scarecrow

Don Arrup

Friday, April 29, 2016

Prince Pappas

Every other boy born in Baltimore, Maryland between the summer of 1955 and Christmas 1956 was sired by Milt Pappas. Though both the New York Times and Baltimore Sun chose to highlight his career pitching in major league baseball in his obituary, ignoring his amazing feat of  propagation, the Baltimore chapter of the Sons of Milt has finally voted to acknowledge and honor their father who is already in two halls of fame.

Milt was born the seven thousand four hundred and second son of “Poppy” Pappas who singlehandedly repopulated Greece and Macedonia as the Second World War drew to a close.
Of his quarter to a half million siblings only Milt and perhaps a dozen others were known to carry the fire seed. The much less occurring daughters- Milt’s half sisters- bore on average just under sixteen babies each. “He fucks like the Bible,” was by far the most popular answer as to his universal promiscuity.

Milt’s third career as a Minnesota minority singing sensation continued through his faux infection and autopsy. “He looked much younger and a hell of a lot shorter as an African American,” said Boog Powell, the Hall of Fame first basemen for the Baltimore Orioles who played with Milt in the 60’s and stayed in touch after Papas was traded to Cincinnati. “He never spoke of his transracial choice but had such success as a singer/songwriter/clotheshorse that the Twin Cities adopted him even though he shut out their baseball team in numerous match ups.”

When Boog was asked about Milt’s Uber Pater past, Boog just shook his head. “I played with studs who had a different woman waiting for them after every game but Milt had one scratching for him after every inning. If he wasn’t at bat he was hitting home runs.”

“If he knocked up half as many women after People magazine came out he would have been hit with a class action paternity suit bigger than what Big Tobacco faced. I showered with the guy. His balls were bigger than oranges. And he went to the Block and got that love symbol tattooed on his butt in 1964.”

Sportswriters and music critics alike adored Prince Milt and many to this day consider him a credit to both races. “I don’t know whether I liked him better on the mound with his control pitching or strumming his guitar to Purple Rain.” said President Obama. “He has to be the greatest double threat in rhythm and baseball the world has ever seen and the world is poorer for his loss.”

Don Arrup