Thursday, May 7, 2015

Texas Falls to United States

President Obama announced on the flight deck of the USS Intrepid on the Hudson River "Mission Accomplished" as the Second Marine and 3rd Army divisions overran the Texas National Guard, Texas Rangers and hundreds of neighborhood militia groups to take the Lone Star State's capital in Austin. 

The Pentagon has rushed thousands of Spanish and Country speaking interpreters to deal with the civilian population in what is predicted to be a long occupation before the United Nations can install robotic brains in the inhabitants. White, heterosexual, Christian politicians, law enforcement officials and clergy are being executed in social media trials followed by firing squads using the accused's own firearms. 

All Texan children under the age of 10 are being rounded up and distributed to either gay or Muslim couples in the legal 49 States while minors 10 and over are being loaned out to nail salons across the country or to Mexico to pick crops . Former United States Senator and Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz was arrested for treason along with the rest of the Texas Congressional delegation.

As former Texas Governor Greg Abbott was lead out on the flight deck in chains, President Obama said above the roar of the crowd, "And maybe one day, perhaps even in our children's lifetime, the Stars and Stripes will fly over Delaware!"

Don Arrup

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

NFL Rules Patriots Ball Deflation and Calls for Castration

Tom Brady's voice might change and affect his career in television commercials. 

Jim McNally, locker room attendant, and John Jastremski, equipment assistant, for the New England Patriots underwent acupuncture castration this morning under the treatment of Fu Manchu LAc. in the basement of Arthur's Steaks 8th Avenue in NYC. Super Bowl Most Valuable Player and quarterback for the Patriots Tom Brady will be "fixed" this afternoon.

The procedure was described by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as similar in effects to chemical castration used against rapists in Texas who elect the procedure rather than serve 20 year prison sentences. Mr. Brady and the two ball boys were offered no such choice and were alone found guilty of purposely deflating footballs during the Patriots 45 to 7 squeak past the Indianapolis Colts in the American League Conference Championships last season.

Dr. Fu Manchu, when not controlling world sex trafficking and opium trade, conducts acupuncture castration and herbal sex changes for celebrities and politicians across the globe. He explained: "Basically I'm doing to their balls what they did to the game balls in question. Sticking a pin in and letting out contents no pump will restore."

Commissioner Goodell believes Tom Brady chirping signals before the snap and sounding like Minnie Mouse at post game interviews will send a strong message to potential cheaters. "Hey, we've had no trouble scrambling brains for decades. What's the big deal with scrambling a few eggs?"

Don Arrup

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Chicago Sports Thugs Caused Baltimore Riots

Lost in the all the racial and class issue discussions concerning the recent riots in Baltimore, Maryland is who profits from the chaos. One look at the facts plainly points to Chicago who's struggling professional sports clubs were both playing the Baltimore Orioles in Baltimore while the NFL draft was snuck to the Windy City in order to swindle the Baltimore Ravens and New York's two professional football clubs.

Sportswriters for Chicago's top papers had been harping on strikes, fouls, errors and the stealing of bases and whatever else rioters could get their hands on while promoting their White Supremacist Socks as they faced the Black and Orange Baltimore club. 

The carefully orchestrated civil violence proved an astounding success in the complete denial of access to Baltimore fans to the game between the Orioles and White Sox. Pictures of Camden Yards empty while their home team won a 8 to 2 victory scored a significant psychological victory for the "other pinstripes."

Meanwhile, in the City of Big Shoulders sensitive and demure college football stars were subjected to shameless exploitation by the pornographic paparazzi and brain bruising grid iron slave owners in an orgy of big meat marketing flesh peddling frenzy that had lost any hint of the dignity and tradition of Rockefeller Center's NFL draft.

While in Kentucky, as troops and auxiliary police poured into Charm City from five other states, Post Capone knuckle crackers pulled the strings to another Derby. All this to deflect attention from the blatant fixing of the NBA Basketball and NHL Hockey playoffs through corrupt officiating. 

Reactions from fans throughout the country:

"If these Chicago thugs in their pinstripe suits and two tone shoes started swinging their bats at your balls- how would you react?"

"The Orioles colors are black and orange because half the black men in town have been in prison."

"Marching these young men- boys still really- up on stage and putting hats on them. Why don't they just put them in swimsuits and high heels if you want to exploit them?"

"I think this is all Chicago trying to get even with New York. They're trying to ice the Rangers and shoot the Brooklyn Nets through the hoop. The Crabtown riots are just a diversion cooked up by Second City agitators to distract the media during the greatest and widest sweeping sports swindle in history."

Don Arrup

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Declutter Bug

Tokyo YoYo gave a talk and signing at the Towson Barnes and Noble on York Road just north of Baltimore City on Friday, May 1st on her new book, Get the Shit OUT! which is being marketed as a companion to her international bestseller You Have Too Much Shit! Tokyo who lives in a 102 by 190 inch sarcophagus efficiency in Tokyo's fashionable  Kubukicho vertical red light district has been the world's most popular de-clutter motivational speaker for nearly a decade.

YoYo's philosophy on de-cluttering is to discard any object or relationship that doesn't lord you over your family and neighbors. Basic necessities and "objects of empowerment" like flashy jewelry, revealing clothing, firearms and anything obviously made of gold are favored over family heirlooms, personal mementos and "crap that does nothing but look cute."

"Families with cannons in their front yards rarely suffer burglary," YoYo said. "And almost no one including the police and fire departments parks in front of their house." 

Reporters asked YoYo what she thought of the recent rioting in nearby Baltimore City to which she responded:

"We don't have minorities in Japan except Okinawans who live on their own island for the most part. We did, however, hate Koreans and other Asians and enslaved them in the last century but we shrug that off for the most part."

"In America you have all peoples so your opportunity for hatred and oppression is unequaled. Since Obama was elected many commentators spoke of a "post racial" America. We Japanese knew that that was a joke. Using a black straw man to create a shadow Lincoln and sending cameras to a little park where a handful of outcasts were going to organize the world against the one percent who own them. But the "occupiers" weren't good singers so that unreality show closed tent and the nation held its breath till this Fiftieth Anniversary Civil Rights circus could gather steam."

"Cellphones mean that everybody can be in the movie and the shooting need never end. All you need is a couple of cops who think they're in 12 Years a Slave and some neighbors who think they're in Selma and you can burn a whole city down."

Don Arrup

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Illegal Use of Zombies

New York University has admitted to employing the undead to construct its 600 million dollar campus in Mudpie. Complaints appeared in the New York Times as early as last year that NYU's labor standards were not being applied to all the living workers let alone the dead. The Mudpie real estate companies hired for the construction began using zombies almost immediately and mixing them in with workers from South Asia and Mars.

Living human workers protested outside of the American Embassy in Mudpie that they were being housed with zombies.

"Why do I have to share a bunk bed with a guy who has no head?" read one sign.

"You can't believe how disgusting it is to watch them eat," complained one woman from Vietnam. "If there aren't enough corpses served they start to eat each other."

"They shouldn't let zombies be welders. They never turn off the torch and just don't ask."

"I was told in Laos that I would be working for the Americans in Mudpie but even my foreman is a zombie. He can see if you're not working but he has no ears to hear complaints."

"They like zombies because they don't take coffee or bathroom breaks."

Both the State Department and the International AFL-CIO are reporting violations of International Treatises on worker rights and the employment of supernatural and extraterrestrial workers. 

"Providing health care to the undead can be tricky," said Surgeon General Murthy. "Doctors really aren't much use after people die. Morticians and dry wall installers have been having much better results with keeping the undead on the job."

President Obama weighed in on the issue:
"Our Constitution is silent on the issue of the rights of ghosts, phantasms and zombies. I think before we start condemning an institution of higher untaxed real estate we should conduct a thorough and politically corrupt investigation and then throw it in the laps of the Supreme Court. Then I'll feel free to criticize their findings while the media turns the whole issue into a bad TV movie."

Don Arrup

Monday, April 13, 2015

Obama Moves To Recognize Florida

After over a half century of diplomatic isolation, the State of Florida could be next in line after Cuba for formal diplomatic relations with the United States. The 27th state is populated by alligator wrestlers, retired New Yorkers, Cuban Exile Militias and overpaid sports stars. One of their U.S. Senators, Marco Rubio, is even running for president of this country on the premise that President Obama, a native of Japan's Hawaii, could sweep the Sunshine State into Washington's jurisdiction.

Currently controlled by the dictatorial Ghost of Walt Disney who speaks through an actor in a Mickey Mouse suit, GOD or Ghost of Disney as he is known has been consolidating power and turning back federal officials sent to investigate the Pain and Medicare Clinic empires that have enjoyed exponential growth under ObamaChaos.

Many native Floridians speak English or at least have been exposed to it and know our obscene hand gestures and tongue contortions. Some have even served in the United States military after their Exile Expeditionary Invasion Force duties were fulfilled. Florida participates in American sports on both the collegiate and professional level. Former Governor General Jeb Bush, both sired by and sibling to former U.S. presidents, is also considering a run for the Oval Office once he settles on what race he belongs to.

Florida exercises its own foreign policy being at war with Cuba and occasionally with the Democratic Party in close national elections but has no problem with Iran or Vladimir Putin. Since Wet T Shirt Contests and Tropical Cocktails comprise Florida's two major religions they have escaped sectarian violence and terrorism thus far. The Florida Unreal Estate Market is the longest running bubble in the history of bathing.

East and West Florida were along with what is now Canada and the Caribbean part of the 21 American British Colonies. The two colonies that would make up today's Florida were the only revolutionary refuseniks to later crawl into the Union. Before Pseudo Statehood Florida's Territorial Motto was "Give us land and kill the red man" but was changed during Florida's flirt with the Confederacy "Give us land and the black man."

Formal recognition would mean Florida would finally have to act like a real state and follow the foreign and drug policies of the 49 States and perhaps even listen to the dictates of the Federal Government at a time when few of its neighboring states are.

Don Arrup

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

April Fool 15 Says

The new Millennium is a teenager. Too bad adolescents can't be teenagers anymore. Generational burdens, their grandparents debt and social immobility make people between the ages of 13 and 19 middle aged kids.

Saudi Arabia and Egypt attack Yemen? Have things gotten so bad that Middle East countries are starting to look out for themselves?

Arkansas Governor asks legislature to amend The Right to Hate Religious Freedom Act stating that both the Pope and Billy Graham have warned him that God is gay.

The Feds can't raise interest rates anymore than I can raise the dead. So squirreling your money away in a mattress is no worse than putting it in a bank to watch it dissolve.

The People's Republic invades Taiwan, Japan, Indonesia, Singapore and Thailand. Obama threatens not to order Chinese take out.

Texas Tea Party favorite Senator Tom Cruz is a closet vegan.

Former Furher of Third Reich Adolf Hitler to host Argentine reality show Where Are My Socks?

Hard working, reasonably intelligent and passably honest human beings waste precious time and grey matter on shamefully underperforming attempts to make light of this godforsaken shit ocean we're all drowning in. Thank you, readers as Satire1 completes its seventh year.

Don Arrup