Thursday, September 8, 2016

First Debate

(About mid way through:)

DT
I know you’re a liberated woman-

HC
Do we still use that term? American women liberated ourselves in the early 70’s.

DT
My daughter is going to be President some day.

HC
So is mine.

DT
So you won’t mind if I urinate on you from here.

HC
Excuse me?

DT
For the emails certainly. For Benghazi never.

HC
Are you going to try to urinate on me?

DT
From here. If I can piss that far.

HC
With your small hands?

DT
This is all bladder under my shirt. I’m half German.

HC
What happened to Swedish? Where did your grandparents come from this week?

DT
I’m Swedish through my daughters. The first thing I’m going to do when I get in the White House is legalize blowjobs in the White House.

HC
It is a private residence along with the seat of the executive.

DT
I’m legalizing blowjobs because I’m inviting the leader of every county we have a trade or defense deal with-

HC
If you are referring to treaties that would be over half the countries in the world.

DT
And I will receive them In State, on their knees, making America great again in their mouths.

HC
So this is your dickplomacy?

DT
Merkel will have to do something with her hair.

HC
You want the most powerful politician in Europe to change her hair for one blowjob?

DT
I put on makeup to blow your husband.

HC
What?

DT
Violet Spring eye shadow and candy apple lipstick. I was glad to. He was at the time of fellatio the nation’s president and leader of the free world.

HC
That’s not how I heard it, Lickie Loo.

DT
Merkel needs a new do. 

HC
The combined forces of United States, China and Russia couldn’t get a comb through-

DT
I’m not marching American lives through those follicles-

HC
You’re afraid of women.

DT
I love women.

HC
American dicks are too big- at least since the conclusion of the Second World War. A diet as meat-centric as nomads combined with the grains of an agrarian society. Big, fat, overinflated American phalluses have turned half the world into pussy and the other half into rectum.

DT
What are other countries for? For god’s sake, for mine, why allow other cultures if they don’t serve us? The gas stations around Israel are just that. Nobody told them to stick their religion in our face. They kicked our ass a thousand years ago and now we’re kicking theirs. What’s the problem? 

HC
Well, there are problems and we have to deal with them. You can’t just say anything you want and expect that to fix the world.

DT
Except for popping off a couple of beards with drones and Seals, you and Obama used nothing but words and the whole globe has fallen apart. There isn’t even a Europe anymore. Western Europe is just the waiting room for Third World refuges. Now every poor country thinks they’re Mexico and can just go wherever the beer is colder. 

HC
If you don’t believe in surgical strikes against terror what are you going to do? Carpet bomb the Hajj?

DT
When we have Tomahawk missiles gathering dust in the Arabian Sea?

MODERATOR
We need to take a break for-

HC & DT
Shut the f*#k up!

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Say What?

On Friday, August 26 the New York City Taxi and Limousine Commission will cease to test new applicants for English proficiency as a part of their chauffeur license exam. The Councilman who sponsored the bill said that since Uber and Lyft didn’t burden their thugs the city should follow suit and cease to molest prospective cabbies with unreasonable demands like the ability to communicate with riders. 

Satire1, being somewhat familiar with the English language from reading Shakespeare and translating Jane Austin into Valley Girl, ventured out into the streets of New York to find out what New Yorkers had to say about the change.

“You mean, New York taxi drivers were supposed to be able to speak English before this? Since when?”

“I read somewhere that Hillary Clinton could speak English. She had to learn it to go to England a couple of times and there’s like four bathrooms in all of London.”

“There were four bathrooms before The Blitz left Londoners with just one which they call the Loo. They all go down the Tube to do their business whether it’s to blow a fag or open their bumbershoot.”

“I took a class in English in high school and we read about this whoe named Ivan all punked out in armor. Queen Elizabeth Taylor was in the movie and she spoke perfect American.”

“English is like what Klingons and the other ear guys speak on Star Trek. It’s like outer space talk but you can kind of understand it.” 

“A guy in my building speaks English and he lives everyday in the middle of a massacre. Everything’s bloody this and blimey that.”

“Who wants a driver who can understand every intimate secret you and your friends blab on your cell phone?”

“Why would anyone talk to a taxi driver in New York City? No one knows where they are to begin with let alone where they’re going. You hop in a cab in New York just to get the hell away from where you are.”

Don Arrup
Satire1


Saturday, August 20, 2016

Clean House

The Clinton Foundation announced today that they will no longer accept mob or drug cartel money if Hillary is elected president. “We might also stop accepting funds from foreign governments and corporations since their motives could be suspect,” said wife Bill who will resign from the foundation’s board in order to serve either as first spouse or the two hundred and forty two years for perjury and philandering. 

When asked about the strain on his marriage caused by Hillary’s campaign former president Bill said, “I did not have sex with that woman.”

The State Department concedes that the 400 million in twenties the President had to personally deliver to the Iranian Embassy might have helped grease the recent hostage exchange but Obama categorically denies that his dancing the Tango with all the mullahs present was their idea.

Donald Trump fired his family yesterday and has married/adopted/hired the Kardashians and told them to get some peroxide. The Make America Great Again Circus while be touring Milwaukee, St. Louis and all states south. Tickets can be purchased through Trumpcasino.com. Admission free to fully robed Klans folk and those dressed as Confederate battle standards.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Friday, August 12, 2016

Joke's On Who?

A chorus of fellow politicians and seekers of power chimed in from across the globe and epochs of history to defend Donald Trump’s gaffe about Second Amendment fans dealing with Hillary Clinton.

Benjamin Netanyahu
“Was that Rabin the crowd was calling a traitor and a Nazi? I thought they meant the pizza guy.”

Vladimir Putin
“I don’t know from isotopes.”

Jefferson Davis
“I thought Johnny Booth was just acting.”

Maximilien Robespierre
“Can’t have a revolution without dropping a few heads.”

Pontius Pilate 
“Nobody was more surprised than me when they chose to let Barabbas go.”

Marcus Brutus
“We were just going to show Caesar the knives, you know, to scare him.”

Cain
“You know how brothers are.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Trump's First Security Briefing

CIA Liaison Agent Harold Spook
Candidate Trump, my name is XXXX and I am here on behalf of the Central Intelligence Agency to bring you up to speed on the actual state of the nation and world. First, President Barack Obama hasn’t been the President of the United States for over two years.

Trump
What? Was he assassinated and you got a double to show to the public?

Spook
No, he is very much alive. His wife Michelle took over the marriage and office after hubby couldn’t pull off gun control again. 

Trump
She gives a better speech anyway.

Spook
Bill and Hillary Clinton are the same bigender person.

Trump
Who didn’t know that?

Spook
Native Americans, Palestinians, Tibetans, Mexicans and anyone else claiming to be a native people are lying.

Trump
Everybody is from somewhere else.

Spook 
There is not and never was a Hawaii.

Trump
This is what I’ve been saying.

Spook
Canadians eat American babies.

Trump
My next wall.

Spook
Small head babies are caused by watching television novellas. Mosquitos have nothing to do with it or any other ailment including malaria. 

Trump
The British whack off too much anyway.

Spook
ISIS is really just a Middle Eastern boy scout troop. All those nuts are acting on their own.

Trump
I understand you have to keep your funding up.

Spook
Vladimir Putin is one of our agents. We bought Russia in the mid 90’s but use them to spank Merkel and any other European leader who pisses us off. 

Trump
I’ve been saying as much.

Spook
Mexico is responsible for 9/11 and their population is mostly composed of rapists but not all are murders. 

Trump
Stop standing up for them.

Spook
The Moon began disintegrating around the time of our Civil War. There was hardly a trace of it by the First World War. We sent the rockets up to see if we could find any of it. Our spacesuits gave the astronauts wedgies.

Trump
I’ll build a moon. Right after I build the two walls.

Don Arrup
Satire1




Saturday, July 30, 2016

Battle of the Blonds

Hillary’s Acceptance Speech Thursday night:

My fellow Americans, tonight begins a new era of equality and freedom undreamt of by our Founding Fathers. Tonight, for the first time America is offering the office of the Presidency of the United States to the winner of the Battle of the Blonds.

Washington, Jefferson, Jackson, Eisenhower and Kennedy were all carrot tops. Abe and the other beards all brunettes. Barack sports a short nappy but never has a golden fleece led this land.

I know some of you are skeptical. Is the country, indeed the world, ready for a blond American president? With China contracting, Russia collapsing, Europe dividing, the Middle East radicalizing, and Brazil covering up the bikini can a blond American president see to it that we do in fact have more fun?

We Americans are facing mounting challenges. Yellowing bleaching agents, poorly labeled or manufactured peroxide, split ends and unmanageable humidity in the summer and wild wind in the winter. We have faced these challenges before as a nation and we survived but under my Administration we will not only survive but prevail.

In my years as a Senator and Secretary of State I’ve spoken to hundreds of our brave men and women in uniform facing the most cruel and unthinkable conditions overseas for any hairdo let alone a perm or wave. Helmet Hair has become the number one injury among our front line troops. I’ve seen the courage and patriotism of soldiers, sailors, (no one from the Air Force) and Marines barely out of their teens pleading with their beauticians and barbers to clear them again for combat. Some even shaving their heads so that they could rejoin the fight. 

Many of my fellow Democrats accuse me of being a Hawk but let me say this right here and now, I do not condone sending out any American into harm’s way who is having a bad hair day. Nothing good ever happens on BHDs. I know, Hercules couldn’t have gotten a comb through my mane that fateful November Tuesday in 2008. I’ll send out our troops to fight freedom’s necessary fights, possibly to get wounded or killed but I will not send out a single service member to be humiliated.

And then there is the question of climate change. How will my children manage their hair with the weather exploding in their face every time they open their front door? When hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, desert heat, arctic cold and Noah era flooding become the norm, how will my children avoid the embarrassment of unmanageable hair? What future can my children have if their heads look like they bathed in a blender?

I know my opponent, not a natural blond anymore but who is after their twenties, says that he will look out for your locks. “I’ll protect your hair,” Donald says. “I’ll wash it; I’ll comb it; I’ll cut it; believe me.” Well, I believe Donald when he says this. Yes, I believe him. He’ll do all that and more for your hair but on one condition- only if you want your hair to look like his.

Yes, it will be one style fits all with Mr. Trump. I’m a proud bleach blond but under my administration a rainbow of manes will flourish. There might even be adults wearing their natural hair color and that too will find acceptance with this Democrat in the White House. Or should I say the Blond House?

So now it is up to the American people to choose which blond vision to follow. We have entered the Blond era, the Blond century, the Blond millennium. The only question is are we turning over or upside down?

Don Arrup
Satire1



Sunday, July 24, 2016

Melania Michelle

Wal Mart Journal
“It is impossible for Melania Trump to have stolen even one word from Michelle Obama’s 2008 Democratic Convention speech on Monday night because Melania Trump is Michelle Obama disguised in white face.”

“Michelle is actually married to a number of former and current candidates including a secret gay marriage to Hillary Clinton. She is a bigamist and will do anything and marry anyone to remain First Lady.”

New York Chimes
“When I worked in the First Lady’s office, Mrs. Obama quite frankly told me that she considered it a lifelong position. When I told her her husband would have to relinquish the office in two years she said he was just this year’s shoes.”

“Though the XXII Amendment to the Constitution limits the term for serving as the President it imposes no such limitation on the First Lady. And I’m telling you, this woman ain’t leaving.”

Washington Host
“Michelle married Trump before she married Obama. She’s been apart of the national outreach of his Queens harem for decades, in a sort of Piece Corps. Michelle can do a totally convincing Asian woman as well. If you haven’t seen Geisha Michelle you don’t know the woman.”

Chicago Fun Times
“Obama was actually one of the last politicians Michelle married. He was her “Chicago Hope,” a cute upcoming intern in her law office with a great sheepskin. So she spanked him for a couple of months to see if he had pants for the position. The rest is herstory.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

*This post is dedicated to the First Lady in my life, Loretta Hanahan Arrup 1916-2016.