Thursday, April 10, 2014

Mickey Roo

Orphan Dorothy Gale Garland stood at the south end fence of her aunt and uncle's farm in Kansas watching the ominous clouds of 1939 gather in every direction. A storm of global proportions was coming her way. From the east, the Greater East Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere was burning down China and Korea to clear the field for a new harvest. To the west, the New Order's Luftwaffe was using London and other English port cities for target practice. A quietly beautiful girl, doe eyed and achingly vulnerable looking, soon the politics that be would sweep the house she and her fans lived in up in the air and onto the laps of the wizard of hate and the witch of fear. 

Uncle Henry couldn't read the headlines without rolling up the paper and spanking her Auntie Em's buttocks for the wickedness of their species. He would then cry and hand what was left of the Wichita Eagle to his wife to beat his bald pate with till not a word was readable. Every night this was the sole entertainment in the farm house. Dorothy longed to hear the radio again but the news blurbs of conquests and fallen capitals had shorted out the squeak box.

Movies. How Dorothy longed to go to the movies. On the Main Street of Bumfucked K Town, where farm boys with fingers itching for triggers and rectal penetration, smoked Camels that would carry Hope and Crosby and Bogart across the desert- the desert where many of them would die under the boots of Rommel and Patton. The soda fountain at the drug store served fruit phallic splits and breast shakes. The precious cherry she reserved for matrimony sat unguarded atop a puff of whipped cream. Hollywood's leading man, their biggest box office draw, wasn't even a man, but a boy, soon to be called, soon to be tested, soon to serve and soon to save Dorothy.

As Herr Hitler and Gobbles closed the noose around Hollywood, controlling production and even script development through their omnipotent censor, the Jewish moguls who owned the studios shook with fear for loss of the biggest market for their fare. The Axis market now included almost all of Europe, Asia and that part of Africa with electricity. They had been accommodating the paint brush mustache for years. Now, without him and Tojo, Hollywood movies would just be home movies.

The world behaved itself and slugged through the Great Depression while curly topped moppet Shirley made the movie theater her temple. But Shirley's seduction, though complete, was as short lived as childhood. The world was sick of responsibility and girls have to mature quickly or fall from grace. So the public turned to the typhoon of testosterone. also short and cute, energized and musical, Mickey Roo.

Bad boy of Boy's Town, cabin boy in Captains Courageous and Judge Harding's son, Mickey Roo took the reins of Tinsel Town's fate and turned growing up into a series of adventures and comedies the world much needed. He woo'd girls and whizzed around in jalopies. Turned the barns of foreclosed farms into Las Vegases at a time when even Broadway could barely keep the lights on. He was horse feathers, malarky, bullshit but divine in his distraction. Most of all he was short and ordinary looking. He was us. Attractive in his energy, his spirit, his courage and humility.

Mickey Roo always saved the show, usually got the girl but could not spare Dorothy the ride she would take out of her Kansas farm into a world of color and horror. Even the cruel rhythms of nature in the Mid West would be missed when houses fly and children walk out of doors into a world they don't recognize. Even the dust bowl half the country had become with its quiet starvation and dehydration of hope could not compare to the technicolor terror enveloping five continents. 

Mickey Roo packed up his gear and traded his tailored suits for olive drab. He was off to see a wizard of smoke and mirrors and death. Under a sky where flying monkeys drop bombs on children and old people. Where witches watch your every move in their cauldrons. Down the yellow bricked path of fear to join the Tin Tank, the Hay Bag and the Big Pussy. Puckering the ruby lips of her mouth and vagina, Dorothy muttered there's no place like shoes…

Somewhere, beyond a light fracturing mist lingering after a holocaust, skies are blue and free of military aircraft. Wizards fly away in balloons or burn like trash in ditches. Witches melt like shit in the rain or swing at the end of Allied hemp. Dorothy was bruised, beaten, raped and saved. Mickey was intact but when he returned to Hollywood he had become too much of a man for his career. 

The world had grown up. Never again would it listen to children or teenagers. Even Rock and Roll and Rap are performed by young adults for the most part. Mickey was not a kid. He was a veteran and he looked it. Roo's career would continue and span over nine decades. He would never cease to delight us with his humor and spirit. Through Depression, World War and Cold, social revolution into our current Great Recession, Mickey the Roo entertained, distracted and inspired us to put on a show and make a life out of what was handed us.

Don Arrup

*Mickey Roo marks Satire1's 300th post

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Duke Patty Duke

The Senate appointed special task force to determine the relationship between John Wayne and Anna Marie "Patty' Duke will deliver its findings to the full Senate on the morning of Friday, April 25th. Though the Senate Intelligence Committee meetings dealing with the controversy have been closed to the public, Satire1, through a discrete and corrupt source, has bought iPhone photographs of the chairwoman's secretary's notes. Since shorthand is not a set language or code, some guessing is involved in translating any given stenographer's hand.

--A twelve year search through internet data bases, police, newspaper and magazine files, movie memorabilia stores and family members of the stars in question by the Federal Bureau of Investigation has yet to produce one photograph of the actors John "The Duke" Wayne and "Patty" Duke together.

-- Both "Dukes" were at the height of their careers in 1963 when Patty received her Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress for her portrayal of Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker.

--The FBI searches combined with the Central Intelligence Agency's oversea searches and the National Security Agency's searches of the rest of our solar system have yet to produce one single photograph of John Wayne and Anne Bancroft together.

--With the exception of Mel "Muscles" Brooks, the widower of Ms. Bancroft, no one who knew Patty and Anne and John appears to still be alive. Everyone suspected of knowing all three either committed questionable suicide or died in a mudslide in the midst of California's record drought.

--Rumors that John Wayne took over the role of Anne Sullivan in the filming of The Miracle Worker in New Jersey in 1962 were widely ignored in the press and by Hollywood Gossip columnists due to pressure from the Academy which saw the role as belonging exclusively to actresses. Van Johnson's stepping in for Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes in all the song sequences a decade earlier was still scandalizing Europe and the Middle East where American diplomats are still asked just who is a diamond's best friend.

--Patty's identical "cousin" Cathy in The Patty Duke Show was supposed to be a trick of wigs, stand ins and double exposure filming and was credited to Patty Duke was in fact an Irish Republican Army hit woman wanted by both Britain's MI5 and Interpol for international murder and terrorism. Her close resemblance to the actress was further exploited by plastic surgery and evil make up artistry. Cathy aka Katherine "Deadeye" Henehan adjusted her accent just enough to pass as an American teenager trying to do the Scottish brogue the script called for. 

--John Wayne, who joined the IRA cause during his filming of The Quiet Man some years earlier was thought to have sired both the Irish and American "cousins" who were actually half sisters as part of his and John Ford's conspiracy to populate a future Celtic takeover of the English speaking world. 

--Just seven months after Patty Duke and John Wayne/Anne Bancroft won Best Supporting and Best Actress at the Oscars, John Kennedy, the only American president of Irish descent up until that time, who had refused to support the Celtic Generational Conspiracy, was assassinated in Dallas, Texas by Lee Harvey Oswald, a known fan of the Patty Duke Show.

Don Arrup

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

April Fool 2014

ObamaCare Deadline
Everyone who couldn't get into the system yesterday because of a software malfunction will be treated just like they would be in the private sector when there is a computer glitch. They can just drop dead.

Iranian Nuclear Deadline
Mullahs bought a bomb from Pakistan's Mass Destruction Department Store month's ago. Grow up. In ten years half the world will be North Koreas.

Russia's Ukrainian Pullout Deadline
Don't cry for Crimea. Russia's thugocracy couldn't do worse than Ukraine's corruptocracy for that little Baltic beach front.

Immigration Bill Deadline
The longest, slowest, surest suicide in politics are the white guys running the House of Representatives (for now).

Keystone Pipeline Deadline
Obama made tar babies out of Canadian conservatives who sold the farm on this one but with only eleven other pipelines I'm sure the environment will be safe.

Equal Rights Amendment Deadline
Decades past and should read that equality of rights shouldn't be denied "on account of gender and sexual preference" rather than "on account of sex." (Sex is something you have not something you are.) Still sorely needed.

Finale of How I Met Your Mother
A single New Yorker finds love in just nine seasons? Well, Carrie on Sex in the City did it in six. Real life is more like Seinfeld.

*Satire1 celebrates its sixth year of bringing you quality satire in a world but for children, poetry, flowers and good pizza would not be worth living in. Thank you, readers.

Don Arrup

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Obama Draws Red Line Around Lower 48

As Putin's onion towered empire swallowed the rest of Eurasia, protestors of Russian decent in Alaska demanded protection from the former KGB agent claiming they were being forced to submit to abortionists and same sex couples who were murdering their families' futures and stripping them of their identities and gender.

Fatigue clad "Cossacks" bearing automatic weapons and wearing ski masks took up positions outside the libraries in Juneau and Anchorage but since no one in the state actually visits the libraries it was hard to to discern what they were doing.

"I think they're here to kidnap ordinary, law abiding citizens and force us to read."

"Better dead than read, my father always said. If they have any books other than the Bible and the Constitution they're Communists."

"This state used to be part of Russia before Jesus Christ and John Wayne bought it for the people. Still, I've got a lot of neighbors whose families go back generations here. The Jerkoffs who own the laundry mat here and the Whackoffs with the bait and tackle shop outside Fairbanks."

As the Red Navy steamed in a circle around the Hawaiian islands, the Kremlin released a statement claiming that the archipelago had always been the southern group of the Aleutian Islands and was not part of the original fire sale of 1867 that made Alaska "Seward's Folly."

President Obama apologized to the Russian Ambassador for the illegal colonization and annexation of his home state saying that he had always known that Hawaii was never part of the United States and admitted that the purchase of Western Siberia right after our Civil War was an attempt to humiliate Russia with gay pioneers.

"We knew your beards with the big hats would never go in for a Kitty Carson and Daniel Bone," President Obama said. "It worked for a century and a half but I guess the jig is up."

Senator McCain and House Speaker Boehner called on the president to order an immediate withdraw of all postal and Amtrak employees and begin negotiations for the return of all US military personnel captured within Russia's newly reclaimed territory. 

President Obama stepped off Air Force One onto the ramp stairs waiving the treaty just signed by Putin that freed our soldiers and sailors and declared Russian recognition of the  sovereignty of the lower forty eight states of the United States promising "Peace in our time."

Don Arrup

Monday, March 3, 2014

Real World Oscars

Best Performance based on a work of fiction:
Barack Obama promising citizens that they could keep their health plans

Best Performance based on the facts
Iranian president Hassan Rouhani saying Western Powers surrendered on nuclear deal

Best Mia Culpa that blamed others
Chris Christie on the gridlock scandal

Best Comedic Performance
Joe Biden doing anything

Best Performance in a children's work
Senator Ted Cruz filibustering with Green Eggs and Ham

Don Arrup

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Egypt To Host Next Winter Olympics

As temperatures on Egypt's coast plunge to below 50 degrees fahrenheit, the military council ruling the joke democracy has secured the next Winter Olympics in 2018 becoming the first Muslim country to host either Olympic Games. The Olympic Committee originally rejected Egypt's bid for the Winter Games and requested that the country petition for the Summer Games.

"No beach volleyball here."

But as Egypt proved to be colder than Sochi this February the committee reconsidered. 

Down Pyramid Skiing

"Our current emergency government seeks legitimacy and needs to suck the public pyramid while we can. We could have real elections any decade now. We already have the Arab Spring, the Bloody Summer and the Tyrant's Fall. We need something for winter. These games should bring back the tourists and everybody wears clothes."

As Russians contemplate their entire economic output for six years invested in what will be a ski resort for their robber barons come Monday, most of the sane nations withdrew their applications for the next Winter Games. 

"Greece bankrupted itself on their Summer Games and now Russia will be paying for Sochi for the next three generations. It's not that we aren't proud of our country and like to show it off but if we want to line the pockets of our giant contractors we just declare another unnecessary war. And isn't that what the Olympics is really all about? Our country can beat your country and our thieves are richer than yours."

Don Arrup

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Shirley Temple USA

Courageous curls baby face
Too cute to control or contain
Charmed heroes and queens
Foiled foes and the mean
Whom she served

Cinderella with dreams
A tap dance machine
In class ridden old London
And the orphanage of the world 

Who will we turn to 
For childhood lost
Long after the Good Ship Lollipop
Has sailed?

Don Arrup