Monday, October 20, 2014

Obama Orders Airstrikes On Ebola

As the Middle East continues to be ravaged by the virus ISIS and the disease crosses borders and decapitates villages and cities leaving the populace ungoverned and unprotected, a new front on the war on terror opened in West Africa where the Jihadist Sunni Muslim Terrorist army Ebola broke containment in remote villages and moved into cities and everywhere commercial air travel goes. 

"There have already been attacks in Texas and Ohio. So far the casualties have been minimal but this is just the initial wave. Soon every plane landing in the United States will be carrying an Ebola fighter." 

Ebola formed in the chaos of civil and holy war in Liberia and Guinea and even disturbed good neighbor Sierra Leone, half sister of dessert manufacturer Sara Lee. 

"Ebola was originally a fraternity of young Sunni Muslim men interested in murdering Shia and any other Muslims who don't think like them," Ms. Leone said. "Like most young men they like raping, pillaging and killing infidels. They've become quite popular in this part of the world."

"I think they're all jacked up on sugar," said Sara Lee in her office in Downers Grove, IL.  "Giving young men guns but no ass is always a recipe for trouble and I should know, I'm Sara Lee."

President Obama threatened Ebola and any country that lends them aid to talk mean to them and even make scary faces. Republicans in Congress led by John McCain said that the administration was going too far and could make terrorists around the world feel insecure and unappreciated by the American people. 

"I just want the world to know that not everyone in our country feels so unneighborly toward Ebola and the other Muslim terror organizations," Senator McCain said on the floor of the International House of Pancakes on Pulaski Highway in Dundalk, Md. "Though I don't appreciate Ebola's fighters attacking our health care workers I will defend their right to their own opinions and hatreds."

"Senator McCain is being too white about this." said President Obama in response. "We haven't bombed Africa for months and as far as boots on the ground I have ordered the Air Force to drop combat boots along with bombs to end that controversy."

Senator McCain responded. "Africa is a continent of sandals and lighter footwear. The sudden introduction of heavy boots will traumatize civilians as well as terrorists. Our response not only violates international law but international fashion which rightly recognizes the legitimacy of fashion's seasons and regions."

Texas Tea Party Senator Cruz suggested we drop cowboy boots which are less threatening, more specifically American and more fashionable. President Obama invited Senator Cruz to ask Congress for the funds. 

"We don't have the thousands of pairs of cowboy boots the Pentagon and Fashion Institute of Technology agree will be needed to have an sufficient impact," Obama said. "And it will take time. Al Jazeera's prime time Fall Line up ratings could be in the toilet by then and the cornerstone of relations between ourselves and Israel is keeping up Al Jazeera's ratings."

The Republican Senators and the President were in full agreement about how to handle the ISIS virus crisis as it threatens the country's and world's health. "ISIS is a health issue and therefore in the realm of medicine and biology and not politics," McCain said.

Obama agreed. "Let the Surgeon General and Center for Disease Control and Prevention screw this one up and then we can point fingers- if any of us survive."

Don Arrup

Friday, October 10, 2014

October's Fugitives

Dear MM and VY,

Regarding the whereabouts of your husband, Meki M., and his lifelong friend and co-white supremacist survivalist conspiracy theory cabal and beer party "mate" (British non gay meaning but still British) the Sterling Avocado Apex Industrial Espionage and Domestic Detective Agency in lieu of wombat and betacorum suggests that the innocent rendezvous and reunion at Deep Bosom Lake is merely a cover for a conspiracy originally hatched in the dark dining room of Wha Me on Belair Road in Baltimore, Maryland in the mid Seventies and if successful will render the nation completely vulnerable to Ebola and Italian and Greek accounting practices.

The Department of Homeland Security has issued warrants for the immediate execution of one MM and MY on sight by any person or persons with identification papers proving they are an American. The Federal Bureau of Investigation claims that MM and MY are in reality the underground Bluegrass Hillbilly Terrorist Duo Fuzz and Paul. 

Counter Terrorist experts around the country and in Brussels and Israel are convinced that one Bruce S. was the charismatic leader of the "Northwood 5" but his unexpected passing threw the terror cell's plans off until they regrouped last summer with their international liaison, DJA (aka DJ Asshole), a bald waiter looming on the international territory of the United Nations in Manhattan.

The FBI, Homeland Security and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Flatulence are as we email tunneling under the DBL safe house of the NW5 hip hicksters. It is rumored that MY has MS (MicroSoft Mississippi middle school master of science) while MM suffers from MM (Micky, Minnie, Mighty Marilyn Mouse Monroe Complex). Their efforts to create their own strain of Ebola from stale Granola is well documented and the only reason they have not been executed to this date is the suspicion that they may have already passed portions of the nightmare cereal to their colleagues.

Agent X of the BATFF said that since the big takedown is planned for this weekend he finds it hard to believe that officials would chance allowing MY and MM to walk around freely considering what is in their heads. 

"As if it wasn't bad enough with them walking around with four years of University of Baltimore education."

Joe Friday
Senior Investigator
Sterling Avocado Apex Industrial Espionage and Domestic Detective Agency
Belvedere Gardens Shopping Center
5800 Hillen Rd (just around the corner from Family Dollar!)
Baltimore, Md
United States
Planet Earth
Milky Way
Known Universe

Don Arrup

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

If Millennials Had A Folk Revival Today

If the current crop of college students had a folk music revival similar to the Greenwich Village scene of the late 50's and early 60's it would probably be decidedly less romantic and idealistic. Young people today aren't trying to change the world they're trying to survive it. Satire1 imagines what their hit parade might look like in a new millennium Hootenanny.


Where Have All The Jobs Gone?

Pay Up Your Mortgage, Tom Dooley

The MTA Strike

They Call The Wind Katrina

Forget The Alamo


If I Had A Pension

Puff (Went Up Your Savings)

This Land Is Bank Land


The Night They Drove Ole Main Street Down

House Of The Rising Payments

Work Is Just A Four Lettered Word

We Shall Overcharge 


Like A Rollover Loan

Foreclosing on Heaven's Door

Don Arrup

Friday, September 5, 2014

Fashion Flow Rivers

With the recent passing of American Fashion's top cop, Joan Rivers, this month the New York City Police Department has been directed by Mayor De Blasio to assume the enforcement of good taste and masterful style on red carpets throughout the city.

While the city mourned the loss of the trailblazing comedienne, attention crazed ingenues and drag queens exploited the un-policed Fashion Week at Lincoln Center and the various movie premiers and theatre opening nights. Betty Page heels, butt cleavage, clam shell necklines, big silk flowers, unflattering tailoring, nauseous colors and worse combinations competed with unimaginable distortions of retro and future looks.

Police Commissioner Bratton said that he called in the Fire Department more than once to put out some of the flaming disasters passing through the velvet ropes. Champions of bad taste like Michael Musto formerly of the Village Voice and Hairspray Director John Waters claimed the NYPD and FDNY were trying to drown out fresh new voices in fashion and gender mania.

"If they don't like where these boys are wearing purple they just soak them down," said Waters. "This could never have happened when Joan was on the beat. If the clothes were terrible she'd be really cruel and ignore them and if they were too good she'd spark them up."

Joan Molinksy aka Joan Rivers came up from Brooklyn through Greenwich Village playing a lesbian fixated on a young woman played by then unknown Barbra Streisand in an Off Broadway play and then as one of the "New Wave" comics, the first generation after the demise of Vaudeville. Trailing stand up comics Jean Carroll and Phyllis Diller by almost a decade, Joan was the first woman to write, direct and star in comedies in both television and film and hosted her own late night talk show on Fox. Author of a dozen best sellers, infamous for her self depreciation and satirization of celebrities and politicians, Joan treated political correctness as censorship and criticism as praise. "If you want to do satire, you'll never be part of the party."

She was a courageous and outrageous comic, comedienne, humorist and satirist. I always loved her and I always will.

Don Arrup

Friday, August 29, 2014

Summer 14

At the corner of Blowjob and Vine
Young men taking their time
Looking for women supine
At the door of the pocket pool hall
Middle aged men lost in their balls
Trying to have their pussy and eat it too

World Cup, Hunt Cup, Super Bowl, Stanley
World Series, Wall Street, testosterone candy
Flex biceps, pectorals, wallets and cars
Drink beer, fart thunder, smoke Cuban cigars
Start wars, buy guns, block borders
I never ejaculated south of Miami
What the fuck are you doing here?

Ivan and Wu playing outside their yards
Lines in the sand are making it hard
To be black in a white house
Or even going to the store in the South
You can get any job 
But we still kill you at will

Isis is is the answer to Sunni wet dreams
Of obedient women and repressive regimes
Born from the cauldron of terror
The scimitar is their margin of error
Whatever we didn't mess up in the world's sandbox
They will

Don Arrup

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Eggs From Space Blow

The 1978 hit reality show Mork and Mindy which followed the daily life of a young American single woman in Boulder, Colorado who was offering sanctuary to an illegal extraterrestrial alien only enjoyed high Nielsen ratings for the first season. As the Department of Immigration and Naturalization closed in American Mindy married  Ork's Mork in order to grant him citizenship to the human race and possibly even the United States. With all the sexual and romantic tension drowned in matrimony the public's interest quickly waned.

Though Mork crossed the border of our atmosphere in an egg ship he was born to another American woman some years earlier who was visiting Ork on a procreation vacation. Betty Bacall aka Lauren Bacall had lost her husband Humphrey Bogart to cancer the year before and with only a son and a daughter by him in tow wished to breed extraterrestrial children who could invade the Earth before cell phones became ubiquitous. Mork was her fourth son in a brood of thirteen children she bore that year on Ork. So Mork actually was already an American citizen through his mother. 

A former teenage model and knuckle cracker from the Bronx, Betty Bacall was determined to bring down the Dick Tracy comic strip that exerted such a paralyzing influence over the culture. Believing DT was conning frightened males into a false machismo that celebrated brutality toward women and insensitivity to the needs of children and farm animals, beautiful Betty used her cover as a model to infiltrate Manhattan's Fashion District and sabotage two raincoat companies that were coming out with Dick Tracy inspired yellow coats and fedoras.

Though not an engineer herself, while on Ork Bacall was told by the Orkians that the signature Tracy two way radio wrist watch would be developed on Earth in her lifetime. Wise Betty realized that this was more communication than almost any human being could handle. Most people could barely survive the daily face to face interactions and more removed correspondences they were already getting. The reality of science fiction like powers to both look at and speak to people at a distance should be reserved for leadership and security personnel specially trained in detached communication.

By the late seventies, Bacall's earth career and Broadway rebound were fading. Sexless gumbots tinkering in their garages were rushing us into a robot future just like the Orkians predicted so Bacall contacted her alien brood. The Orkian-Earthling half breeds had had a bad time of it on Ork and few would even reply to their mother's transmissions. Only Mork, who had previously spent most of his childhood in Chicago and Detroit on a special surveillance mission undercover as the only child of a Ford Motor Company executive, responded. He understood from chronicling America's development of nuclear weapons and the even more deadly luxury sedan that Earthlings were way over their heads with their technology. The trouble with Earthlings is geniuses invent things and then imbeciles use it, Bacall often said.

Though Mork in his show tried his best to warn the human race of the dangers they were creating most Americans and even some Europeans mistook him for a character in a sitcom and laughed off his warnings. As the ratings tumbled Mork and his mother scrambled for a strategy to convince the Earth's leading country to stop its suicidal ways. Bacall again revived her acting career with the Broadway hit, Woman of the Year. Interviews and invitations to the circles of power revived briefly but eventually disintegrated into an illustrious career. 

Mork took on the name Robin Williams from the man who thought he was his father and the rocking bird. He would spend the next three decades walking around in shoes, exercising his right of flatulence and making the world laugh.

The cellphones he and his mother tried to prevent quickly took over his chosen planet and enslaved its inhabitants. People who could barely feed their children or provide them with an education could not live without the techno terrors. The addiction to them replaced alcohol and drug use as the greatest danger behind the wheel of automobiles. Both callers and the called upon ceased acknowledging members of their species within visual distance and dismissed people in their presence during phone calls as shadows or holograms.

Lauren Bacall was sad to see the world grew up in saved from fascism only to be lost to techno-idiocy. Her Orkian son, though hugely successful in his career, was especially grieved. The Earth's atmosphere was not refined enough for him and he suffered mental, physical and spiritual problems which led to his chosen demise. His mother on hearing of his death chose a stroke to bring her curtain down. If all the troubles of the world burnt on the wick of one candle Mork would have laughed it out while his mother would have just put her lips together and blown.

Don Arrup

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Hey, Ho, Were Gone

Just one week after the passing of Tommy Erdelyi aka Tommy Ramone, the last surviving member of the original pioneering punk band The Ramones, Pope Francis read a Declaration of Sainthood naming Joey, Johnny, Dee Dee and Tommy Ramone as canonized saints of the Roman or Ramones Catholic Church. 

Explaining that not only was Sheena but Jesus too was a punk rocker, Pope Francis said that any concerned soul looking at this world wants a lobotomy, shock treatment or sedation. The College of Cardinals is full of pinheads and it would be better to beat the brat with a baseball bat than to rape him. 

Cutting edge music critics and evangelical underground poets long recognized the divinity of the fathers of punk who would change popular music around the world without ever creating a top selling song or album. The Ramones were Mad Magazine's idea of a garage band from Queens and they played it loud and they played it fast and most of all they played it fun.

Don Arrup