Saturday, August 22, 2015

Trump Citizen Test

1)  Did your ancestors come over on the Mayflower?
2)  Did your ancestors ever stay at the Mayflower Hotel?
3)  Are you the same gender as the Founding Fathers?
4)  Did you ever find your father?
5)  Do you have blond or dirty immigrant hair?
6)  Are you a millionaire, hillbilly or criminal?
7)  Did your ancestors swim over here from Africa 250 years ago to steal plantation jobs?
8)  Are you from a state that seceded from the Union in the 1860’s? (I’m not letting you back in)
9)  Were you born in the legal boundaries of a Trump property to rent paying parents?
10) Are you a voter registered in the party I’m in this month?

Don Arrup

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Trump Babel

After a dominant performance in the first Republican Presidential Debate, Donald Trump announced that he has completed a 204 story tower on the site of the original Tower of Babel in Babel, New Jersey where the human race first began to use spoken language.

“This will be- really- the first true World Trade and Terror Center in the world,” Trump said. “Over a hundred and fifty two suites are already rented taking up over half the floors. We have the World Bank, Al Qaeda and the United Nations Forgotten Celebrity Fund on the first floor alone- along with a McDonald’s and a Kosher tattoo parlor.”

“You see, I have a master plan. Right now, I’m getting at least half of America united in their hatred of me. Once that hatred is cemented then I betray the half that follows me and in one campaign I’ll unite the country.”

“With Trump Babel, I’m getting the entire United Nations, multinational corporations, terrorist groups, international charities and retired Deadheads together under one roof and then I’ll mess with the air conditioning. DT scores another TD with TB.”

Don Arrup


Friday, July 31, 2015

Bill, Brady and Barbie

As the faces of public enemies number one and two, comedian Bill Cosby and quarterback Tom Brady, disgrace the front pages of newspapers and magazines across the country, the tarnished icons have united in accusing one Barbara Millicent Roberts of sexually disfiguring them early in their careers and being responsible for their consequent antisocial behavior.

Ms. BM Roberts aka Barbie the Doll was born Bild Lilli in Germany where she worked as a sex toy in bars and nightclubs before white slaver Ruth Handler of the Mattel mob spirited her to the United States. Handler began pimping Barbie at the 1959 New York Toy Fair beginning what would become the most notorious “serial blond” career in the history of the world’s oldest profession. Barbie has had 150 career covers in 150 countries where Mattel boasts Barb sells it three times a second racking up one billion johns. Standing at eleven and a half curvy inches at seven and a quarter ounces the infamous “1/6th Playscale” Ribald Roberts has proven to be doll enough for any man. 

Bill Cosby was a lonely sailor at the time working as a Corpsman at Bethesda Naval Hospital when Barbie torpedoed into town. “I was a Virgin. At least my left hand still was at the time,” said Cosby. “The Civil Rights movement was only gearing up and black men didn’t play with white dolls if they knew what was good for them.”

“I thought I was going to decide what we play but little did I know that for Barbie playtime was over,” Cosby recalled. “See, Barbie was the type of Fraulein who had to make her way in post war Hamburg. American servicemen were just caverns to be explored and exploited. And she where mined the Sun doesn’t shine.”

In 1997, Barbie was already a cultural force that outlived The Beatles, Disco, Punk and pantyhose while Tom Ed Pat Brad Jr. aka Tom Brady was one of seven backup quarterbacks to Brian Griese who had just won the Michigan Wolverines the National Championship in college football. Tom was just “one of the girls” who was sharing time “under center” mostly competing for playing time with Drew Henson when Barbie bombed into Ann Arbor.

Tom needed an older doll to build his confidence and guide him through the fierce competition in Big Ten sports. With a gentle small handed touch, Barbie led the future NFL MVP through his junior and senior years where he set school records in passing and wins. She would lead Brady through graduation, the NFL Draft, his years as a backup in New England and to his glory as the quarterback of the Patriots but in February, 2009, just weeks before Barbie was to turn “officially fifty” Tom dropped Barbie and married a Brazilian model.

Barbie bided her time but she knew just where to stick the needle and just whose balls to deflate. Justice thy name is Barbie.

Don Arrup

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Obama's Good Week

At the invitation of European Union, the Islamic State of  Murderers and Sociopaths (ISIS) has invaded Greece just before their legislature could vote on the fleecing demanded by German Fuhrerin Merkel. Pakistan and India are already carving up conquered Iran while China’s navy blockades its “former” colony of Ukraine. 

“We’re having a really good week after a number of really bad ones,” the President told the White House press corps this afternoon. “We knew the Pakis and Indians hated each other but who knew they both hated the Persians more?”

“We asked Putin if he might be up for taking back half of Germany when the Chinese asked us if we would back their acquisition of the Ukraine along with Okinawa and the Philippines. I told Chairman Xu that his retirees would never see a nickel of the trillions we borrowed so he might as well write it off now and just take whatever isn’t bolted down in the Far East.”

Reporters asked the President if he would act if China invaded Japan with whom we have treaties and military bases. “The United States of America always honors its treaties. Just ask any Native American.”

Republicans in the House of Representatives addressed reparations for decedents of American slaves offering both the city of Baltimore and the state of South Carolina. “I’ll salute any flag they want to wave,” Obama admitted. “Having a black mayor and police chief obviously doesn’t mean squat in Bmore. A handful of Catholic boys from Northwood own everything in Charm City including the teeth in your zipper and the teeth in your head.”

The Affordable Care Act got a huge boost earlier this week when everyone with Diabetes unexpectedly died. “I can’t begin to tell you what a relief this is to our hospitals and clinics. We have no idea what killed them but we’ll take it,” said Surgeon General Viveck Murthy. “Now if only everyone with arthritis or borderline obesity would suddenly drop dead we’d be talking about truly affordable health care and no long waits at doctor’s offices.”

As the mile high tidal wave ended the drought in California, astronomers forecasted milder meteor showers and earthquakes for the remainder of the week. President Barack commented that the complete liquidation of Los Angeles finally cleared the city of violent drug gangs. “You’ve got to look at the bright side,” Obama chirped. “It is the Sunshine State. Besides, Hollywood survived.”

Don Arrup

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Who Blew Pluto?

As part of the Obama-Iran Nuclear Scam Congress is being asked to sign over the dwarf planet Pluto to Iran. As our NASA disguised New Horizon battle shuttle invades and conquers the former ninth brother in our solar system, China and Russia dispute the United States right to annex other planets without United Nations approval. 

Just three billion miles on average from the Earth’s orbit, Pluto is smaller than the United States Moon but with five lunes in its posse the forever freezing and melting rock presents unprecedented entrepreneurial opportunities and unimagined romantic getaways for the first world’s rapidly retiring populations.

Though mineral extraction is not economic outside a billion mile radius at this time, the low density of Pluto along with its numerous neighbors offers undeveloped real estate which under low Iranian property taxes could lead to rapid habitation. Though the surface temperature is a chilly minus 369 Fahrenheit tunnels could be dug without heavy equipment and cave societies could spring down in days.

“If they discover so much as a hint of DNA on Pluto sets of Golden Arches will up before you read your Sunday paper,” said Ronald McDonald, monarch of the McDonald’s Corporation.

Secretary John Kerry whose Department of State does not handle relations with other planets and extraterrestrials believes that it would be “very much” in the United States’ interest to hand Pluto over to Iran where inevitable violations of their nuclear agreement on Earth could be punished in outer space.

“Nothing can be won in the Middle East so why not kick their space ass,” Kerry said.

Vice President Joe Biden agreed. “The Iranians need four crescent moons for their Muslim Islam flag thing. It’s kind of like their Confederate flag only moony.”

Biden was reminded that Pluto only had fully rounded moons and that the American moon only appears crescent due to the Earth’s shadow. “That’s a damn shame,” said Biden. “Someone really ought to tell Allah. I mean it’s been over a thousand years. We let the South in on their defeat recently and popcorn still pops.”

Senator Barbra Boxer protested that Pluto should remain in American hands and be declared the “Woman’s Planet” but Republican legislators argued that women deserved a much larger planet like Saturn which at least wears a belt. “It’s bad enough we’re getting mooned every night by our own moon. We don’t need some other naked Heavenly Body turning the sky into pornography we have no parental controls over,” said Senator Gram.

Both China and Russia could tentatively agree to recognize American dominion over Pluto should the NASA invasion prove successful and America’s right to secede the dwarf to Iran on the condition that the United States backs Chinese and Russian claims to the Sun in the UN Security Council.

Though Japan stole the local star from China briefly last century, China has reestablished full control of Helios and will be imposing a tiny users fee to countries using solar power for farming and general visibility during the day. The fee has been calculated to cover just a small fraction of the cost China spends on maintaining the Sun as a 24/7/365 generator. Russia will assume a percentage of that fee for its role in the reacquisition of the Sun in the middle of last century.

Despite the advantages of resolving Middle East conflicts in outer space and satiating Chinese and Russian aggression geriatric experts want to set up Pluto as the first “nursing plutoid” where retirees can spend their remaining years which out there last 250 of ours.

Don Arrup

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Greek Dance Dixie

In a surprising and inexplicable move today the Hellenic Parliament in Athens voted unanimously to remove the battle flag of the Confederate States of America from all of its government buildings and toilet seats. Known as the Stars and Bars the red background with blue intersecting diagonal starred stripes has become synonymous with romantics and racists who can’t accept that the seceding American states lost their war one hundred and fifty years ago. 

Though Greece is contemplating seceding from the European Union no one expects Germany or France to attempt to prevent it with a force of arms. “Merkel is not Lincoln,” said French Ambassador Pierre Dichard. “For one thing, there is the beard.”

“We Greeks feel that the Germans are trying to enslave us to our financial obligations.” said Not Socrates, a taxi driver in Athens. “I started charging men fish for their fare and I’ll take women for as far as a hand job lasts. It worked out fine earlier in the week but now I’m sick of fish and I can barely walk.”

Other Greek Citizens weighed in:

“I think American bigots should use the Swastika. The burning cross is more specific but you can make your point without any second hand racism bothering the kids with asthma.”

“I hate Asians and even the United States doesn’t have a decently organized group of yahoos to emulate. Asians were so universally hated by white Americans that the only symbol against the ‘Yellow Menace’ was the Stars and Stripes.”

“New York City was Greece in the 1970’s. Everybody on welfare or drugs. Nobody bailed the Apple out and now it tears down the world.”

“How can you have an American Women’s Soccer team? The athletes in America don’t even know what gender they are. They should lend Greece money. We invented lesbians.”

“We had slaves in Classical times but then the Romans enslaved us and then the Franks enslaved all of us. That’s why Greeks don’t pay taxes.”

“This whole thing has been really bad for my pants.”

Don Arrup


Sunday, June 21, 2015

Trans Gender Race Bender

If your spouse of ten years redefines themselves as being the same sex as you does that make you gay?

If you recently entered a gay marriage and your spouse decides that they are the opposite sex does that make you straight?

If you declare you are without gender is there anywhere you can go to the bathroom in public areas?

Will shoe size replace genitalia as the gender defining measure?

There are members in the trans-gender community (TGC) who have taken issue with a number of women's and feminist organizations over their use of the term woman claiming that limiting it to vagina owners excludes those who identify as women but wear their genitalia on the outside.

In Spokane, Washington, a woman with Caucasian parents ran the local chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP). She said she identifies as black. She is not pale but do her ancestors come from Africa? Well, according to ethnologists everyone's ancestors come from Africa or maybe China. Maybe she's Asian. 

If you have blue eyes and milk white skin and your birth parents decide they now identify as black does that mean you can use less sunscreen? 

If you can choose your gender can you choose your race? Federal government applications asks which race you identify with. Of course, many people are a mixture but when it comes to gender there are only two boxes. The Feds even offer an "Other" box for the race question. When will they stop oppressing us and offer an "Other" box for gender or even better- a "No" box? 

Isn't that question section actually labeled SEX? I should have been marking it no for decades though "none" would be more accurate. There should be a "None" box for hair color on the driver's license application.

Can an obese person declare themselves thin? Most idiots think they're geniuses. Can the elderly through athletic achievement take their place among the young? Rich men cry poor every April. And the poor spend it like they got it at the beginning of every month. Obviously, we Americans no longer know who we are or perhaps we never did.

If we allow everyone to simply choose how they are to be defined there might no longer be gender segregated bathrooms, Affirmative Action, minority contracts or scholarships, Title 9, Boys and Girl Scouts along with even mushier distinctions at clothing stores. Maybe all that would be a good thing but will it help us to perceive individuals as simply that- individuals- if it could help us in that direction perhaps all the confusion would be worth it.

Don Arrup