Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Texas Chainsaw Love Story


Media favorite and heir to Verona’s second biggest family fortune Romeo Montague was arrested by the Veronese Prince’s men (VPM) last night for stalking the youngest daughter of rival dynasty Capulets. After breaking and entering the Capulet courtyard, Romeo proved to be a Peeping Tom on the nightie clad barely pubic Juliet as she was at her balcony talking to the inconstant Moon. 

More serious charges were dropped when the Prince discovered that Romeo had just become eligible to get his learner’s permit. He was severely reprimanded for pouncing on thus far undated too Deb to bed pre-Debutante JC right after being rejected by the town floozie Rosaline. 

Juliet’s cousin and gang banger bad ass Tybalt swore that if Romeo was not charged with attempted pedophilia he would take matters into his own hands.

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Paris’ Top Pop Rapper Cyrano DB has been accused of ghosting for buddy Christian tweets to the celebrated beauty Roxanne. As famous for his proboscis as his poetry, Sky Cy B is also Cardinal Richelieu’s best sword and unlikely to be accused to his schnoz of fake news. 

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Playboy pool bum Narcissus filed a complaint of sexual harassment against himself in the Los Angeles County Court yesterday. Only the four hundred and twenty second such lawsuit of its kind in LA since the early 1980’s, legal experts hope to use the case to clearly define leering and obscene gestures as harassment for a future federal case. 

Harry Preener, the Dean of UC Berkley’s Law School, said “We used to prosecute masturbation as self abuse and attempted genital strangulation but that was overreach. With the new Zero Tolerance policy on harassment we’re not letting these bullies and brutes push around anyone-including themselves.” 

Don Arrup
Satire1 

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Haircut


Trump on the blower

I don’t want the Secretary of the Interior. My bowels are moving fine. Regular as rain. I want the Secretary of the Exterior...

What do you mean there’s no Secretary of the Exterior?

 How can you have a Secretary of the Interior if you don’t have one for the Exterior?

The Secretary of State? Does the ex-Exxon Don cut hair?

Does Rex T cut hair?

I need a haircut and the CIA Chief just explained to me that the White House barber is not Italian.

Yes, he has got to be Italian.

His first name’s Luigi and even he couldn’t pronounce his last name. What was I to think?

It had lots of vowels.

Slapbackastan? Callacabull? I don’t know. Not Italy.

No, no Greeks.

I would consider a woman for the position.

The First Lady makes that call.

If I run again I’m keeping Pence but Ivanka and Medusa are history.

You heard correctly. Michelle might come back. Misses the stationary.

I could marry Hillary and have her cover State and First Bird.

What Bill? Since he gave up the Big Macs and nookie he looks like something scarecrows insult each other with.

No, I didn’t know that.

You’re right. You never see a bunch of scarecrows talking together except in the Senate.

No, no, I know. Farm scarecrows might not talk like you and I but they do communicate.

Morse code with their arms. Like sailors with their flags.

Nobody talks to each other in the Senate anymore anyway.

Enough about the team that’s going to be running this country. Who’s cutting my hair?

No, no Greeks. Half of them live on islands.

Does the stars when they’re in New York?

I would prefer a Hollywood stylist.

No Greeks.

If there’s a pop or an is in their name that’s Greek to me.

Who does Wolverine’s hair?

I want him.

Not for First Lady.

I thought he just combed and brushed. I didn’t know he cuts.

What appointment? He lives here on call.

Needs two neck brooms. Three! One for me and the other for everybody else.

And another for me.

The chef is Greek!

The White House chef?

We need a McDonald’s in the White House. The tourists and your president demand a McDonald’s.

Who cuts Bubba’s hair? He’s going to need a job.


Bill’s going to be Second Bitch when I marry Hill for my second term.

It’s not bigamy. It’s politics.

The guy who used to do Elvis’ hair- did he have any kids?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thursday, February 1, 2018

There's Real Confidence To Be Found In Humility and Why You Never Wear Your Spouse's Genitals


While President Donald Trump attended the Fat Cat International to seal deals and eat meals, Special Counsel Robert Mueller took his Star Chamber to the White House lawn and set up a picnic to nick pick what the crooks he's after this time are washing on. 

Satire1 went to the corner of Main and Bank Streets in Horn Hill, Alabama the day after the State of the Union speech to collect quips and observations from the pundits of the streets.

Crimson Tide Fan
“While he was director, Mueller wasted all his time on Mexican Drug lords, Chinese industrial spies and Muslim terrorists. As if we didn’t have the best criminals and murderers money could buy right here running and ruining our country.”

Woman in red hat
“Isn’t Trump’s daughter Russian? Ivanka? What kind of name is that? I voted for Trump but I think Ivanka is Putin’s daughter.”

Crimson Tide Denier
“Look, Mr. Trump wanted a bigger office than he had in New York so he ran for the biggest office and he’s so rich he didn’t even have to spend his own money. If Putin swung him a couple of states that’s just one hand jerking the other guy off.”

Popeye the Sailor Man
“Most bizznizz deals tycoons makes is widt the devil so what’s the fuztd?”

Beauregard Calhoun 
“Expecting a man of big business to remember every lie he told to close a deal is like putting a fact checker on every guy proposing marriage to a gal. Sir, you would be ending the species.”

Scarlet O’Hara
“Rhett had all kinds of shady business dealings- with our former colonial tyrants, hostile Indians and even the Yankees and he didn’t give a damn either.”

Colonel Sanders
“The Russians came to me to start selling my buckets in Moscow but they wanted a cut so big I wouldn’t have been left with anything but the feathers.”

Tennessee Tuxedo
“It’s not easy for a penguin in these parts and when I asked the President for a post in Moscow he said the State Department was going franchise.”

Don Arrup
Satire1




Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Hawaii Declares War on North Korea


After surviving the nuclear missile attack on our 50th state Saturday Governor David Ige called an emergency session of the legislature and demanded a declaration of war on Kim Jong-un’s regime. Commandeering the United States Navy’s Seventh Fleet at Honolulu, Ige sent off a tweet to President Trump apologizing for borrowing the flotilla on such short notice and localizing the force without permission.

President Trump tweeted back that he fully supports Hawaii’s actions and will petition Congress to legalize any action the Aloha State takes to protect itself from annihilation and to extend the option of war to every state on the west coast within Rocket Man’s reach.

Rear Admiral End released a statement to his sailors and the press stating that they weren’t doing much anyway other than tracking typhoons and not catching pirates. “This fleet needs a war to get some of the rust off our buckets.”

Former Secretary of State Hilary Clinton pointed out that since the missiles never actually materialized we may never know where they didn’t come from while former Vice President Joe Biden said that Hawaii was former President Obama’s home state and that fake war news should be met by real consequences. “Somebody is trying to bomb Obama!”

House Speaker Paul Ryan called a last minute press conference on the steps of IHOP on Michigan Avenue. “Though the attack apparently was not on the continental United States but on the Japanese colony that we pretend to be a part of our country there are iron clad obligations that we have made to protect our NATO partners. I consider it my highest priority to protect our citizens, our allies and our interests from whatever imaginary threat that comes out of nowhere.”

Speaker Ryan continued, “I could care less if a foreign power messes with our elections which are a mess anyway but to strike at us when our democracy is at its most vulnerable- at the beginning of our divisional NFL playoffs- is a provocation of war.” 

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Wild Fire


Mother Nature isn’t through with us yet

What does the wind do?

Me too

Fed peep complete

Bob Mueller good feller

Trump is Elvis incognito

Wild fire

More out of control on Wall Street

Than California’s wine country

Wild fire

Women in more industries

Had it with being treated like women

Wild fire

Clearing parks, stadiums, campuses

Of ghosts, generals and judges 

Wild fire

People once treated like shadows

March into the light

Wild fire

Consumes ideas that lived as zombies

And fed on our freedom

Wild fire

Burn with me

Happy New Year from 

Don Arrup
Satire1






Thursday, December 21, 2017

Happy Merry Happy


With President Donald Trump declaring the traditional Christian holiday greeting of Merry Christmas legal again Satire1 set out in the streets of downtown Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee to interview anonymous shoppers, workers, streetwalkers and flaneurs on their thoughts on the controversy.

Guy with a big dog
“No guy should have a birthday party and a lot of women too because the birther and not the born should be celebrated. I mean, the mothers do all the work. Labor. Your birthday was Labor Day for your mother and you don’t even give her a balloon.”

Girl with hogtails
“We don’t believe in religion. Only the Bible. And my daddy told us that you shouldn’t say Merry Christmas to anybody except on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Anybody says it to you earlier or later than that is just trying to stick his hand in your pocket.”

Man wearing a hat
“I was raised in a strict Orthodox home and Jews don’t worship other Jews. But I did hear about the animals talking on the eve of his birthday. It’s incredibly weird but I can imagine myself liking it.”

Man with no hat
“We always partied in the barn when I was growing up and I never heard any of the animals talk but I did hear that a girl could put out on Christmas Eve and still be a virgin after the holidays if she didn’t get knocked up.”

Not Isadora Ducan
“The Man with no hat that you were just interviewing is correct. I was immaculate three times in high school and it can lock down a good boyfriend.”

Beard
“Chanukah is the festival of the lights and if the Christians want to put up lights everywhere for a Jew who had his own ideas I’m not offended. Hanukkah is eight days and Christmas is one or twelve depending on the song. Jews go by the lunar calendar because we are looney. Christians by the solar calendar because they get all worked up about the Son or Sun. I don’t know.”

White Guy with glasses
“Chanukah and Hanukkah are the two Jewish Christmas holidays and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are Christian Christmas holidays and then Kwanzaa begins which has a kinara with seven candles not a menorah which has nine. Christians have a tree and it depends how big and flammable it is.”  

Woman looking like lipstick
“Thank god, I am so sick and disgusted with these diluted civilities. Every time you say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas you’re just crucifying him all over again.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saturday, December 9, 2017

The Weinstein Defense


My first woman was my mother. I was inside her. That was our early relationship. But I got too big and she pushed me out. Then the nightmare began. Being born was still an affront to the medical profession which slapped me on arrival. On the buttocks. I was spanked for being born. Held up naked for anyone who chose to view. Handed around like a B girl at a below decks sailor orgy. 

I was naked. Not just with no clothes on. Pre clothes to be exact. Born naked. Kept naked. Swaddled. A fat man’s handkerchief and two bobby pins. It would be years of inexpressible exposure, manipulation, violation and penetration before I would experience the dignity of pants. 

And I am not alone. 

I didn’t ask for the nipple. I was crying for shame. Not hunger. Not sex. I was smaller then. The boob was to me bigger than a house. And the Cyclops eye of the breast swelled faster not toward me as much as inside me. Now we’re even. I was inside you and now you are inside me. The only orifice that mattered then. I didn’t even use it to breath with when I was inside mom. 

I don’t know how nurses can sleep at night. They treat you like you’re just part of the crib. Roll you over- out of the way- to keep the crib straight. On other floors they were pushing around big people they wouldn’t give their clothes back to. And they’ve got needles. Big as the doctors. So what’s the circus about the clitoris?

Women today are complaining because I grabbed and kissed them? I’m only twice their size. I had aunts and neighbor women ten times my size picking me up by the ass and brining in lips as big as hams and wet as oceans. Sogging, slobbering, fussing, mussing lipskicked red hams waxing my cheeks- half my face- with petroleum based red dye number die mouth markers god damn.

Women are rapists. Mothers are rejectionists. Expellers, like the Pharaoh in Egypt. And the Red Sea closed her legs on him. But not them. They call their rape affection. They call their rape nurturing and caring and sharing and loving and then shove a box of cheap shit chain pharmacy chocolates up your ass because your mouth is taken. Conquered. By the Nipple Bitch. Nipple Bitch Rapist. Here, open your mouth. 

Don Arrup
Satire1