Friday, September 15, 2017

iPhools

(Scene: The bridge of a 23rd century starship just after a huge pop bang boom!)

Captain Kirk
My god, what was that Spock?

First Officer Spock
We just went through some type of antimatter hurricane in space. We are presently following the heels of a giant hurricane on your home planet.

Kirk
I could use a weekend back home.

Spock
The computer indicates that it must have also been a time warp. The year is 10 iP.

Kirk
Ten years after the first iPhone?

Spock
Apparently. I’m picking up images of humans with earplugs visually submersed in the tiny screens they hold before them and follow.

Kirk
It must be the late teens of the twenty first century when the computer companies gave up on robots and decided to enslave their customers instead.

Spock
I’ve read that it took less than a decade. 

Kirk
The amazing thing is how blatant Apple was. They literally called the master bot iPhone. The small i was the customer who was surrendering himself to the capitalized super gadget. 

Spock
Yes, it was marketed as a useful tool when in reality it was turning the customers into useful tools. 

Kirk
App and plan buyers. Apple had competition but with people lining up for hours to sacrifice themselves there were more than enough suckers to go around.

Spock 
Smartphones and idiot buyers.

Kirk
In no time the foolphones were replacing human interaction.

Spock
Every one of the meager cognitive abilities humans had evolved were being replaced by apps.

Kirk
My grandmother told me her grandmother couldn’t add or subtract, had any idea where she was without GPS. She didn’t even have any idea what to feel or where emotions might come from outside of emojis. 

Spock
Perhaps it was senility.

Kirk
This is when she was twenty six and at the top of her class at Harvard Business School.

Spock
Didn’t a tycoon run the United States with Morse code in that period?

Kirk
I think Morse code was in the war century. Tweets. He ran the free world with Tweets.

Spock
Like Tweety Bird?

Kirk
Yes, the symbol was a bird. He must have been Tweety Bird or Twitter Bird. Blond fellow. Big pants.

Spock
Within a generation the eyesight of children was closer to a mole’s than that of their parents. The four fingers on each hand began to web and thumbs developed an extra joint. The memory area of the brain shrank from a baseball to a peanut. 

Kirk
People constantly documented their activities and tried to seduce their phones with naughty or humorous photographs of themselves to prove to their masters that they were worthy of them. 

Spock
From the images I’m collecting presently it appears that we are at the lowest point for the humans of Earth. Sensors are picking up what appear to be electronic mating calls. Apparently humans couldn’t even mate without their phones. 

Kirk
That was a long time developing and for many phone procreation was as far as they progressed.

Spock
Frankly Captain, I am surprised your species survived.

Kirk
The citizens of every country handed over their entire lives, relationships, finances, education, sanity and sovereignty over to Internet computers.

Spock
How did they ever free themselves from their phony fetish?

Kirk
Something newer and shinier came along.

Don Arrup
Satire1 

Friday, September 8, 2017

Yuma Owe Me An Explanation


Dear Bookbag,

After four visits in the first two days of my holiday weekend from Supervisory Special Agent Heffernan and Field Agent Anistossio and the six hour long “interview” at the FBI office below Chambers Street on Labor Day when I could have been fingering my flute to commercial soaked reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies I am a little ticked. 

Every time you and Midge go to a “pool party” North Korea ups their atomic pop somewhere underground in the Pacific where all pool parties take place. I know it only made the Times this last weekend but the pop off really was the week before as if you didn’t know. 

The Bureau wanted to know what an itinerant stage scribe and curriculum marm were doing at an outdoor North Korean reception in Baltimore drinking H bomb shots and Thermonuclear wine while President Trump’s and Xi Jing Ping’s pants were dropping faster than real estate prices in Seoul. I told them you two go wherever the wine is free.

Then they started asking why you two were no longer walking in the park formerly known as Robert E. Lee. I told them some hip shit hammer toe stories which they didn’t buy for a second so I went off into some Lady in the Lake Roland riff about a former Army sergeant penpalling the hotsy tot from his hometown high school and a mink pillbox virgin champagne pop what- 
did you know John Ashbery died? Later. Who doesn’t love dead poets? 

Supervisory Special Agent Heffernan wanted to know why you two were stirring up civil war in Korea just like you did in the United States before you started dating. 

I told them I didn’t know. Was it the sushi connection? Were you tired of people cooking meat on a table? And what they do to cabbage. Or was it that fat guy who dances to the music that sounds like a cat trapped in the back of an old television? Before flat screens.

They asked about your relationship and I told the agents that maybe Midge thought she was marrying Paladin from Have Gun Will Travel but she ended up with The Rebel Johnny Yuma. Not bad really. Most women of her shoe size thought they were marrying Paul Newman or Robert Redford and ended up with Mr. Ed.

They wanted to know if you still had that journal you kept of your adventures in Postbellum Texas and if you were still a Reconstruction Beatnik in your Confederate cap and buckskin shotgun low slung Remington Beals. Then they asked if you tore down Robert E. 

I told them I didn’t know. I did tell them that it wouldn’t surprise me. With Texas Ted and his grand old posse cruising back to DC, 10 gallon hats in hand and muddy boots to beg for what they voted against after Sandy nothing surprises me.

Heffernan and Anistossio eventually invited me to beat it and so I did. You probably are more Paladin today anyway. You dress really good for a straight guy. Not that I’d know. I surrendered to whatever doesn’t grab my ass every time I sit down. But I don’t miss Paladin like I miss Johnny Yuma.

Confederate ghosts spook some folks and comfort others. What statues stand for every community and generation will have to fight over themselves. There’s been a civil war over our Civil War fought left and right, North and South, in the light and shadows ever since Appomattox and sometimes it’s called civil rights. I guess it’s like our revolution. Never over. Never should be.

You ought to don your grey sky again and pony on down to Florida with a fuck it bucket. Bail out all the good folks who had their ass kicked by Irma. For all our politics and bullshit grandma and babies don’t have a color or accent when you’re pulling them out of the jaws of disaster. And whether the bronze boys are heroes or villains or North Koreans they won’t complain.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Alice in Issues Land


The US District Court of Manhattan has issued 212 permits this year to groups protesting the controversial Alice in Wonderland statue in New York’s Central Park. The court has also issued 420 permits for demonstrations supporting the work. The sculpture depicts characters from Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland just above the east 72cd Street entrance close to the Children’s Zoo.

Members of Leave Kids Alone claim that the posture and disposition of the seven year old heroine suggests she is “servicing” the oddballs and animals surrounding her and is a celebration of child molestation and bestiality while the Champions of Pedophilia counter marched claiming the figures depict our heritage of child marriage and cross breeding. Three Native American tribes claim that the mushroom the party takes place on is a sacred part of their religion while Japanese Americans think the mushroom represents Nagasaki’s worst day.

Last month, Antifa clashed  with supporters of the National Organization of Women over whether White Rabbit was White Supremacist Rabbit or Playboy Rabbit. As the blood spilled out into the street Brownshirts and Ku Klux Klan members entered and polished WR and pledged undying loyalty to the figure chanting “White on white is right!”

Over a dozen Tea Party groups from across the nation have paid tribute to their founder The Mad Hatter who has been particularly jovial for an inanimate bronze object since President Trump was elected.  A few conservation groups have made appearances questioning the absence of his Mad Tea Party mates March Hare and the narcoleptic Dormouse. In March, Black Rabbits Matter formed a strike line in front of the statue for a week protesting the absence of the dark March Hare and the prominence of The White Rabbit.

Food Purists and Anti-GMO groups chose to bring their own Mock Turtle figure who is not depicted in the diorama. Mock Turtle who sings “Beautiful Soup” to Alice as he blubbers has a calve’s head on a turtle’s body illustrating how a calve’s head was often substituted for the pure pescetarian delicacy. 

Other characters not portrayed in the diorama proved no less controversial. Numerous Democratic clubs and organizations that supported Bernie Sanders marched around the statue against the Clintons who they said acted like the Queen and King of Hearts in the last election.

Don Arrup
Satire1


Friday, August 18, 2017

Transgender Joe

By the winter of 1964 the four sisters next door had already divvied up the Fab Four for future wedlock and crowned Barbie the Queen of whatever activity her wardrobe suggested. The toy manufacturing terrorist organization Hasbro had long decided that the one inch plastic soldiers sold by the platoon to boys were of such low profit margin that Japan and Taiwan could have them. 

Hasbro, however, knew that there was no greater appetite in the world than an American boy’s hunger for war and destruction. The only question was how to satisfy and hopefully addict boys to a unique weapon, game or whatever that would require countless upgrades or ammunition. Their answer was a doll for boys: GI Joe. 

Hasbro realized that they couldn’t call Joe a doll. Gender confusion was a capital crime in the early 1960’s so the bros at Hasbro created the term “Action Figure” which in England was changed to “Action Man.”

Since GI Joe lacked reproductive equipment the neutral term “figure” remained both more accurate and more confusing at the same time. Countless boys wondered if they could be in the military when they grew up even though they had genitalia. Many boys, like my younger brother and myself, who had investigated our neighbors unadorned Barbie doll realized that Barbie and Joe were the same down there.

My younger brother, hypnotized by commercials transmitted between Three Stooges shorts, requested a GI Joe while on Santa’s lap that December. Santa came through and on one of those rainy winter days when we would venture next door to play with the sisters the dolls came out.

All of us were transfixed the moment my brother and the eldest sister Elizabeth turned Joe and Barbie to face each other. Nothing seemed to happen at first. Plastic can be very emotional but almost never mercurial. Barbie and Joe played it cool.

I never felt affection for either doll. They didn’t portray gender beauty or virtue. They lampooned it. In a way, the dolls reflected the rigidity of our stereotypes. 

By my high school years boys and girls were wearing similar unisex fashion clothes and hairstyles. Women wearing pants found their vaginas sealing up just as the doctors had warned. Long haired boys developed breasts and their penises shrank to clitoral dimensions. As gender disappeared in the late Baby Boomers political changes were taking place as well. Jimmy Carter and the Democratic Party embraced the death of gender but they were defeated by Ronald Reagan and the Cowboy Republicans.  

Conservative orthodoxy at the time believed that only the constant handling of firearms, power tools and sport utility vehicles could maintain American manhood so a mega defense buildup began. Gun laws, building codes and clean air regulations were eased or erased. As the waves of testosterone began slapping our shores again and newly skirted women’s vaginas opened like Morning Glories in sunshine a Golden Age of conflict free matrimony, prolific pregnancy and idyllic college romance reined for two generations.

But Life and the World have a way of balancing things out. This excess of problem free bliss allowed Americans to indulge and each year our girth grew. Now our obesity is destroying our gender. Testosterone abhors a belly and our shapelessness and abominable abdominal overhang hides if not smothers our sex. Psychologists and shoe salespeople report increasing incidents of citizens with neutral names like Pat and Terry forgetting their gender and standing in the middle of stores screaming for shoes. 

Appropriate footwear.

And isn’t that what we all want? 

Throughout these decades of sexual identity mayhem only Barbie and Joe have remained relatively unchanged. True, Barbie has put on a little weight and her breast bumps have succumb to the gravity of popular criticism. Joe has remained tight lipped about Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and Trump’s You’re Out of Here Because You’re Queer.

So, for those of you who don’t currently know a G.I. Joe, Satire1 interviewed one of the original twenty two million Joes produced by Hasbro in the mid 1960’s. Our Joe is a veteran of the Vietnam War, Grenada, both Gulf Wars and Afghanistan and ten pre pubescent American boys. He is presently unassigned and possibly retired.

S1
Private Joe. What are your thoughts on President Trump’s tweet that he will discharge every member of the United States armed forces who is suspected of being transgender or does anything to blur the lines of gonadial destiny?

Joe


S1
Would crossdressers in the ranks compromise our security and by they’re very presence draw sneak attacks from China, North Korea, Iran, Germany, Russia, Vietnam, Japan, Canada, India and Norway?

Joe


S1
Would fully embracing the individual’s right to choose their gender identity jeopardize hard earned protections for women like Title IX and minority contracts?

Joe


S1
As a doll, you probably don’t go to the bathroom but can you understand how women of a long oppressed minority might interpret men of any color or preference as invading what little public privacy and dignity this society affords them?

Joe


S1
Now that biologists have determined that gender is a delicate balance of the estrogen and testosterone that fluctuates in each human being not only throughout our gestation as a fetus but throughout our entire lives and is at least calling into question the concept of a lifelong fixed polar gender identification do you refuse to wear pink because the United States Armed Forces do not have uniforms in that color or because you feel that it looks and/or is girly?

Joe


S1
What relationship is demanded by the Constitution of the United States of America between individual citizens and their fellow citizens? Between individual citizens and their local government, state government and federal government? 

Joe


S1
Can I quote you on that?

Joe


Don Arrup
Satire1


Thursday, August 10, 2017

How To Pass A Health Care Bill


Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in the Senate Majority Washroom.

“Hey, Jack, been looking all over for you. Don’t use that soap. There’s no hot water and you’ll never get it off your hands. I’ve been thinking about your concerns about leaving Medicaid intact and, believe me, I am in complete agreement with you on this but even though almost a third of my constituents are on it- mostly in nursing homes- the only ones who vote in every election- Hank, he’s the numbers guy on this bill- he says that Medicaid is such a budget buster that it will implode of its own weight in ten years before anything in this bill even really kicks in. So, can I count on your vote? Every one of us knows there isn’t a damn thing in it you agree with but I guarantee it will play out just how you want.”

“Bill, Bill, there’s no toilet paper in that stall. Oh, too late. Well, here, let me just get some from this stall. Let me see if I can get this whole roll off. Doesn’t look like it. I’m going to feed you under the separator here the end of this roll and you just pull nice and even and you’ll have as much as you need. Don’t let it go slack. I think there’s some water on the floor here. Now, about your vote on repeal and replace. Can I count on your support this time? I know you feel that we haven’t given enough funds to Medicaid but it’s only a cap on growth not a cut. Maybe we better talk about this later. My glasses are fogging up. We’ve tagged Medicaid growth to the general inflation rate but the donkeys will be back in power sometime before all this kicks in so it really is no real fuss in the real world. You know we don’t deal with reality here. This is the Senate.”

“Tom, Tom, Tom Tom. Excuse me. Well, isn’t your wife the lucky woman. I wanted to talk to you about your opposition to cutting funds to Planned Parenthood. I can understand why a man of your endowment might hesitate to- opps- unexpected dip for the big boy, heh? You made quite a splash. Let me get you some paper towels. I can see why you might want to protect funds that deal with unwanted pregnancies but PP advises on abortion as well and you know that isn’t going to fly with our base. So, we were all hoping that you would reconsider and maybe we can slip them a couple of bucks in a defense appropriations bill. No one’s read one of those in decades. Okay? So you let PP go and I’ll let you go PP.”

“Chuck, Chuck. What? The zipper’s stuck? Here, I used to work on cars when I was a teenager. While I help you with- your shirt’s caught up in the upper teeth here again- help you with this we’ve got to discuss funding for diabetes and obesity. Now, I know you don’t believe that Americans are really overweight and I agree that the liberal media is run by anorexics but being what you call well fed - can you pull your stomach in some I’ve almost got it- both stomachs- well fed for a hog state can affect the health of some of our citizens from less vigorous areas of the country. Just two more teeth and you’re a free man here, Chuck. Now, can you free me?”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Let's Party

All you have to do to destroy the Democratic Party is give them both houses of Congress and the White House and they will pass legislation that nobody likes.

All you have to do to destroy the Republican Party is give them both houses of Congress and the White House and they won’t pass any legislation and will actually make the Democratic legislation popular.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saturday, July 22, 2017

From Russia With Dirt

Released emails coinciding with a last minute announcement by Donald Trump Jr. that he had contact with a nefarious Russian lawyer offering dirt on Hillary Clinton have re-sparked the Russian collusion controversy. 

Satire1 has returned to Loch Raven Boulevard and Belvedere Avenue in Baltimore, Md. to question the citizenry on the topic. 

Mother of Two
“I don’t see what relation Donald Trump Jr. has to the President except by birth. I get dirt on my sister’s husband- hell, he’s hit on me more times than I can remember- I only gave in twice- and I never share it with her. She wouldn’t want to hear it anyway.”

Guy with pants
“The Russians had dirt on a Clinton? Stop the presses! You can’t swing a dead cat over a chicken farm and not hit a milkmaid who hasn’t been molested by Bill and then threatened by Hill.”

College Student with no date
“Income inequality comes from information inequality. It’s like insider trading. How come the rich get all the great gossip?”

Woman with brown eyes and red mouth
“Why would Putin mess with us now? We couldn’t have steered ourselves straighter to hell than the way we’ve been going for a generation now.”

White Minority Guy
“Americans used to hate blacks but then the blacks became Americans too and there just wasn’t enough violence to maintain a status quo and there still isn’t.”

Child of Two
“Trump has Stalin’s haircut. You can tell a lot about a person by how they comb their hair.”

Unemployed Blacksmith
“Hey, Junior’s invited to a rendezvous with a Russian woman and it’s all James Bond and Bourne Identity so he brings his whole frat house with him?”

Ninth Grader in Spiderman shirt
“You have to go to law school to be a prostitute in Russia. Just like most of our politicians here.”

Don Arrup
Satire1