And the bartender asks: So where's the Mormon and the black guy?
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
While the government of El Salvador pleads with its women to avoid pregnancy due to the mosquito borne virus Zika which has been shown to cause severe birth defects, new evidence has been emerging that the Big Bad Z might on rare occasions be transmitted through sex.
Satire1, ever vigilant in the face of hopeless disaster, has interviewed a wide variety of physicians (never a good sign when doctors are referred to as physicians), public health officials, professors and beer bellies with a lot of old tires in their backyards in order to better inform our readership. All the interviewees have requested to remain anonymous since no one actually knows or understands shit about what is going down.
“This most recent development in the research concerning sexual transmission of the fever through intercourse is most disturbing. As if there weren’t already enough reasons to say no.”
“Personally, as an expert and a human being, I prefer getting laid to being bitten by a mosquito.”
“I’d probably notice the mosquito biting me more than anything my husband’s done for the last ten years.”
“Did they have to say ‘on rare occasions?’ I only get laid on rare occasions.”
Saturday, January 23, 2016
South Carolina Republican Debate
For our first off the camera question we address all the candidates: What would you do as President of the United States to see that every tax paying American gets some reasonable amount of ass?
When I was Governor of Florida nookie was never a problem for Floridians. Half the country travels to our state just to take their pants off. We don’t build our churches on the beach and you can swing what you want on the greens.
I believe marriage is a sacred contract between a man and a woman and God. I believe that I was a master debater at Princeton because I was a masturbator. A minister guided masturbation program that respected the Second Amendment and placed no undo strain on Confederate widows or Canadian espionage.
They can make love so much cheaper in China that Americans can no longer expect to be employed as lovers. Our nookie is being outsourced to the Communists and Third World which by the way Cuba is both.
I’d just like to say right now, I’ve fucked everyone on this stage.
I thought you’d have a tight ass, Jeb.
You can’t just say anything you want without YouTube documentation.
Humped up your piggyback on First Avenue, Hoboken surrounded by illegal aliens raping Muslims who were dancing to the fall of the WTC.
That never happened.
The towers did come down. Not as fast as your trousers, I’ll admit, Jeb, but pretty fast. And with my other Florida boy-
It was just a blow job.
That’s right, Ruby, just nod and agree in my lap for ten minutes.
I’m tired of you treating me like a doughnut shop.
The point, CC.
I’m a jelly doughnut, okay?
You’re a jelly roll.
That’s a hairdo.
That’s my hairdo.
Let Chris be a jelly roll.
Let my people roll!
Are they serving doughnuts?
To the nuts with all the dough.
South Carolina Democratic Debate
During the longest commercial break late in the debate. Hillary Clinton and Barry Sanders are bumping back and forth between their podiums in a lip and hip lock. Director’s voice over the intercom: We’re back in 3 minutes. Hillary breaks free.
You kiss better than Dick Cheney.
This is supposed to be a threesome.
Looks like just you and your hand, Maryland.
Sex is socialism at its essence. You can’t have private ownership of the means of reproduction.
Come here, Gov. Just don’t screw like you’re running for Vice President.
Friday, January 8, 2016
Predictions for the new year from Satire1
Before the ball drops again in Times Square, President elect Donald Trump and his gay marriage partner Bernie Sanders will join Vice President Elect Kim Kardashian and her husband whoever to host the New Year’s Eve edition of Saturday Night Live at Rockefeller Center. Bill Clinton and his New Democrat Combo will be musical guests and Hilary Clinton and Sara Palin will do parodies of 30 Rock and Parks and Recreation.
Texas Senator Ted Cruz will resign from the Senate and politics to premier his vacation/travel reality podcast of Cruz with Ted.
Senator Marco Rubio of Florida will enter Cuba illegally in a candy striped dingy and overthrow what is left of the Castro Regime and petition for statehood for the cigar island on the floor of the United States Senate while wearing a pink Panama hat with a polkadot band.
Former Governor of Maryland Martin O’Malley will be on the cover of every major magazine in the world after he confesses that he was drugged and raped by Bill Cosby in 1967.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Two boys with pressure cookers beat Tom Brady
The nation’s power grid could be taken out with a flyswatter
Bridges collapse before they can be blown up
Massacres are commonplace
Virulent strains of political correctness
Threats of reality shows being syndicated
Boat People bio pics
They mentioned Donald Trump twice
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
The United Fraternities and Sororities of the Undead filed papers in federal court in Manhattan over the use of excessive force routinely employed by law enforcement officers and models on their membership. Citing the uproar over a police officer shooting a knife yielding youth in Chicago, the UFSU holds that the sixteen shots and the little “corpse dance” it produced was merely a macabre parody of the abusive treatment zombies suffer everyday on the streets and fields of this nation.
“Ugh blah whum mah mum mum,” said third zombie from the left with one eye. “Muwah humb fugh amn duvf.”
New York Mayor Bill De Blasio who faces an uphill election and had garnered little of the undead vote last time, agreed. “My administration is committed to seeing justice served to both the living and the undead whether it’s the vampires on Wall Street, has been movie and television stars on Broadway or the Haitian community.”
Zombies originated on the island of Haiti where supposed Voodoo priests poisoned workers causing significant damage to the cognition portions of their brains rendering them thoughtless slaves. It wasn’t until the 1950’s that extraterrestrials began resurrecting our recent dead to murder the living. As the general public took increasing delight in witnessing zombies demise the demand for more zombies outstripped supply and serial killers and rouge police officers began killing living suspects with the excess once reserved for zombies.
“Alive or dead, a body is going to move as long as you are pumping shells into it,” said NYPD Chief Bratton. “An inexperienced officer forgets this and the mambo de muerto doesn’t end until he empties his gun.”
“I think ISIS is just a great big Muslim zombie gang,” said Donald Trump. “That’s why when I become president I’m going to nuke them every day until they find Jesus.”
“I’m sure the Muslim zombie community is well represented within ISIS or ISIL’s leadership and higher ranks,” said Former Everything Hilary Clinton. “But since our intelligence is sparse and I’ve never negotiated with them I’ll limit my assessment to a few wonky cliches.”
“These African American men and boys running away, driving away and walking away from our police officers to intimidate them and threaten communities must be stopped,” Trump continued. “They’re all Malcolm X Muslims and controlled by Voodoo clerics and chicken swinging mullahs. If ISIS and zombies are in Baghdad and Paris then they’re definitely in Cleveland and Baltimore.”
“I’m going to bring back all those black pastors who disagreed with me and give them what they really need to save the souls of their flocks: machetes and machine guns.”