The House of Representatives passed the America Safe Act today which requires any emigre from Syria or Iraq to sit on the lap of the Director of the FBI or Homeland Security before being given a lollipop.
President Francois Hollande of France called for changes to their Constitution to allow unreasonable searches and seizures and for blanket authority to detain suspects in house arrest.
Maximilien Robespierre and Louis Antoine de Saint-Just have been resurrected out of retirement to form a New Millennium Committee of Public Safety.
“Why should the French people suffer this foreign terror when we were the ones who invented terror?” President Hollande asks. “Those disgruntled with our way of life are free to complain to Madame Guillotine.”
While on the campaign trail:
“Syria is just far eastern Mexico,” Donald Trump explained. “To the south they’re all drug dealers and to the east they’re all religious fanatics. Same brown people. Same hot sand.”
“America has made a promise. Okay, the black Harvard guy did,” said Obama. “But let me ask the American people this: do we want to be murdered by recent Middle Eastern emigres or do we want to be slaughtered by homegrown maniacs with access to arsenals?”
“Americans have the right to kill Americans and to be killed by Americans,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “American terrorists should have first crack at the American people. This rushing in Middle East thugs while the pickings are still good infuriates me. What did we buy all these guns for if not to shoot each other?”
“The French consume way too much dairy products,” said First Lady Michelle Obama. “Squeezing a pound of butter into every croissant is just madness. And croissant is just French for crescent and the crescent moon and a star is the symbol of Islam. If the moon is made of cheese the symbol of Islam is telling you to cut down. And the French wouldn’t do that so they cut the French down.”
“This is a nation of immigrants and if we truly are the land of opportunity and equality than I say anyone who comes here legally has an equal right to kill us.” said former governor Jeb Bush. “Only I would as a Christian prefer to be murdered by a fellow Christian.”
“Infallible YouTube predicts Manhattan is the next Paris but ISIS can’t murder us anymore dead than Al Qaeda did," said former this and that Hilary Clinton. "So what’s the big deal?”