Explaining that since pizza is not mentioned in the Bible and God, apparently, doesn’t approve of the tomato and cheese corrupted flat bread, Pope Trump (he tired of the United States Presidency after two years and twelve wars) has declared that the eating of pizza or similar perversions of the same ingredients (stromboli, calzone, pizza bagels and bites) will be considered a mortal sin beginning the Monday after the Super Bowl. “Even Jesus might have a slice if his Saints make it in again,” the pontiff exclaimed.
The newly appointed Jewish Pope or “Rad Rabbi” spoke from the Super Synagogue in True Israel, Florida declaring that if the pig was circumcised before puberty it could be smoked into Kosher ham. The Futures Market exploded in orders of pork bellies as delicatessens from Manhattan’s Lower East Side to the Jewish strongholds in Montana and Mississippi broke out in bacon wars fought with firearms.
Now that ISIS controls all of the Middle East and Europe, England is the new Israel in isolation. Scotland, which was always secretly Muslim, broke out in Scotch plaid burkhas and the red beard boys had to drop the hem on their kilts to Saudi Sand Sweeps. Thames telly premieres the new Brit-Com about the life of the Prophet Mohammed called “Work for your Wife” to rave reviews and suicide bombers.
The Supreme Court of the United States found that the different denominations of Protestant Christianity are not religious organizations since they failed to abuse and sexually exploit their children. Catholic, Muslim and Jewish clergy testified to the continuing hypocrisy of Protestants following their creed. “They’re just trying to make us look bad in front of God.”
Four National Football League defensive linemen were given the death penalty for touching a quarterback Monday. They will be decapitated during halftime of the Sunday Night Football game. Lawsuits continue to be filed against the league by former players claiming chronic helmet hair and inability to dance without scoring a touchdown.