Thursday, November 19, 2015

Reign of Error

The House of Representatives passed the America Safe Act today which requires any emigre from Syria or Iraq to sit on the lap of the Director of the FBI or Homeland Security before being given a lollipop.

President Francois Hollande of France called for changes to their Constitution to allow unreasonable searches and seizures and for blanket authority to detain suspects in house arrest.
Maximilien Robespierre and Louis Antoine de Saint-Just have been resurrected out of retirement to form a New Millennium Committee of Public Safety.

“Why should the French people suffer this foreign terror when we were the ones who invented terror?” President Hollande asks. “Those disgruntled with our way of life are free to complain to Madame Guillotine.”

While on the campaign trail:

“Syria is just far eastern Mexico,” Donald Trump explained. “To the south they’re all drug dealers and to the east they’re all religious fanatics. Same brown people. Same hot sand.”

“America has made a promise. Okay, the black Harvard guy did,” said Obama. “But let me ask the American people this: do we want to be murdered by recent Middle Eastern emigres or do we want to be slaughtered by homegrown maniacs with access to arsenals?”

“Americans have the right to kill Americans and to be killed by Americans,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “American terrorists should have first crack at the American people. This rushing in Middle East thugs while the pickings are still good infuriates me. What did we buy all these guns for if not to shoot each other?”

“The French consume way too much dairy products,” said First Lady Michelle Obama. “Squeezing a pound of butter into every croissant is just madness. And croissant is just French for crescent and the crescent moon and a star is the symbol of Islam. If the moon is made of cheese the symbol of Islam is telling you to cut down. And the French wouldn’t do that so they cut the French down.”

“This is a nation of immigrants and if we truly are the land of opportunity and equality than I say anyone who comes here legally has an equal right to kill us.” said former governor Jeb Bush. “Only I would as a Christian prefer to be murdered by a fellow Christian.”

“Infallible YouTube predicts Manhattan is the next Paris but ISIS can’t murder us anymore dead than Al Qaeda did," said former this and that Hilary Clinton. "So what’s the big deal?”

Don Arrup 

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Appsland Uber Alles

New York City Mayor Bill De Something Brooklyn announced today that his administration would stop trying to limit the growth of the Axis Powers App Uber which operates under the cover of an internet car service. Rather than lose more police officers in shoot outs with the outlaw black ops cars, DeBlazio purposes using negotiations and armored vehicles to steer Uber drivers into the more socially acceptable sidelines of drug dealing and gun running.

Complaints from NYC taxi medallion owners grew as the unregulated Uber drivers began taking over unauthorized organ harvesting and the kidnapping of white babies to sell to China. “I’ve gotten rides at the height of rush hour when it is impossible to get a yellow cab in Manhattan,” said Bernice Bloblot, “but I’m down both kidneys and a lung at this point.”

“My account wasn’t charged a penny on the ride where they took my baby,” said Pookie Whigurl, “in fact, the man on the phone saw to it that I got extra credit and was guaranteed a free ride to the hospital next time I break water.”

“Internal organs theft and the redistribution of white babies has always been a carefully regulated pillar in the New York City economy through the taxi medallion system,” said the mayor. “Though some of the west coast cities have chosen incarceration or even extermination as the preferred method of dealing with the cancerous growth of internet enabled vehicular outlaws, New York City is riding the new wave. We’d arrest you if you didn’t have so many lawyers; lock you up if our jails weren’t so overcrowded; kill you if we didn’t need the ride.”

Uber Technologies Inc. was founded as an American International transportation network company by two cyber thugs in 2009 to run sex slaves and stolen babies around San Francisco. Quickly expanding across major U.S. cities, Uber soon was offering its service anywhere on the globe where depravity and inhuman appetites had funding. 

Widely criticized for offenses to every cultural norm, Uber defends its record of blackmail, kidnapping, murder and gossip. “When you used to get a ride from your parents didn’t they own you? Control you body and soul? Take you where they approved whether you did or not? asked Lawyer General Whackoff Wycoff, Esq. “All under the auspices of that nefarious fantasy of the dark analog ages called Love.”

“At Uber we will not lie to you. We have no interest in your confidence, satisfaction or loyalty. We want your money, your body, your organs and your babies.”

Uber has suggested that it might consider compromise with uber market NYC. Offers to kidnap babies of all colors and boys and transexuals along with young women could bring the mayor and City Council on board. Religious minorities have requested that internal organs not be taken on high holy days and during the World Series in the two participating cities. “We just want to prevent a double tragedy for fans who could lose the World Series and a kidney on the same day.”

Don Arrup

Friday, October 30, 2015

Halloween TV Schedule 2015


12pm   Paul Ryan in Screamer of the House

3pm     Donald Trump in The Mouth That Wouldn’t Die

6pm     Ben Carson in Prescription for Chaos

9pm     Carly Fiorina in The Incredible Shrinking Woman

12am    Jeb Bush in Ghost of the Front Runner


 12pm   Bernie Sanders in There is a Specter haunting Europe

3pm      Martin O’Malley in Was He Ever Even There?

6pm      Hilary Clinton in Return of the Wronged Woman

9pm      Joe Biden in Joe Biden

12am    Review of Obama Years (Not suitable for taxpayers under 1040)


Don Arrup

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Ohhh Canada

Justin Trudeau, the leader of Canada’s Liberal Party and Christmas Baby of former Prime Minister Lucky Pierre Trudeau, won in a landslide Monday as the ruling Conservative Party lost 60 seats and its coalition bitch New Democratic Party’s meager gains couldn’t begin to make up the difference.

Current PM Stephan Harper and his Conservatives reigned terror and responsibility on our northern neighbors for nine years balancing budgets on the backs of operatic farm girls and underpaid Mounties while feeding the cream of Canadian entertainers into the jaws of Southern California. 

As American politicians deplore the invasion from the north of British and French immigrants who refuse to speak American and learn our lack of manners, Harper conspired to economically cooperate with Mexico and dissolve the borders of the United States until it becomes “a highway system between urban theme parks and historic malls” prompting President Obama to ask Congress to declare the two neighboring countries friendship “on hold.” 

As the Red Maple Leaf continues to ravage our bordering states and claim the Great Lakes as their own, incoming PM Trudeau promises along with Mexico to reduce its bigger brother to “the crack in North America’s ass.”

Analysts on both sides of the border agree that Harper and his party lost because most Canadians didn’t vote for them. The elections came just a week after the Canadian Thanksgiving Holiday (celebrated six weeks earlier to monopolize the fattest birds in the hemisphere) and marks the two hundred and third anniversary of the Canadian destruction of Detroit which is scheduled to be rebuilt right after New Orleans and Afghanistan. 

Minor corruption scandals like Senators accepting ice cream cones and hand jobs in the halls of power (“We keep it friendly here”) contributed to the Conservatives fall. Prime Minister Designate Trudeau was born on Christmas Day, 1971, three years after his father’s electoral sweep. He claims his election is a mandate to “take down the 48 that have been up our ass forever and make them the whoopee cushion for far western socialism.”

Don Arrup


Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Over the Din

The Constitution of the United States states “The House of Representatives shall chuse (their spelling not mine) their Speaker and other Officers; and shall have the sole power of Impeachment.” This line ends Section 2 of Article 1 which describes the powers, election of and functions of the House. There is no reference to any of the powers of this “Speaker” or who might hold the office or even if it need be a member of the House. 

Though House Democrats have always automatically voted in their party leader, the Republicans have not. This opens the door to a far wider range of candidates which only Satire1 will share with you.

Donald Trump
Has said that he would be happy to run the House while he campaigns for the Presidency and plans to retain the position if elected President. Since the Constitution doesn’t prohibit it, Trump says that he would be the perfect two for one candidate. 

Lady GaGa
Claims to have both the voice to be heard over the chaos and the legs to kick reps in line. “I won’t need the House whip,” the chantreuse exclaimed. “I’m bringing in my mentor, Madonna, to crack the leather and put the brass back into the brassiere.”

Bill Cosby
“I’d talk to the women of the House first and the wives of some of these clowns. I just need some one on one time alone and I think we can really get down to it.”

Bill Clinton
“I have no hard feelings for those who impeached me. It was a different time and I think with me as their Speaker I could represent them well at the breakfast table when my wife’s elected.”

Stephen Colbert
“The Constitution doesn’t require that the Speaker be anywhere near Washington or even be alive or a human being. I could run this House of Representatives from my Late Show desk and address them in my monologues.”

Bill Belichick
“If I let all the hot air out of this Congress it would be more than enough to provide an atmosphere for Mars.”

Don Arrup

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Church Vs Pizza

Explaining that since pizza is not mentioned in the Bible and God, apparently, doesn’t approve of the tomato and cheese corrupted flat bread, Pope Trump (he tired of the United States Presidency after two years and twelve wars) has declared that the eating of pizza or similar perversions of the same ingredients (stromboli, calzone, pizza bagels and bites) will be considered a mortal sin beginning the Monday after the Super Bowl. “Even Jesus might have a slice if his Saints make it in again,” the pontiff exclaimed.

The newly appointed Jewish Pope or “Rad Rabbi” spoke from the Super Synagogue in True Israel, Florida declaring that if the pig was circumcised before puberty it could be smoked into Kosher ham. The Futures Market exploded in orders of pork bellies as delicatessens from Manhattan’s Lower East Side to the Jewish strongholds in Montana and Mississippi broke out in bacon wars fought with firearms.

Now that ISIS controls all of the Middle East and Europe, England is the new Israel in isolation. Scotland, which was always secretly Muslim, broke out in Scotch plaid burkhas and the red beard boys had to drop the hem on their kilts to Saudi Sand Sweeps. Thames telly premieres the new Brit-Com about the life of the Prophet Mohammed called “Work for your Wife” to rave reviews and suicide bombers. 

The Supreme Court of the United States found that the different denominations of Protestant Christianity are not religious organizations since they failed to abuse and sexually exploit their children. Catholic, Muslim and Jewish clergy testified to the continuing hypocrisy of Protestants following their creed. “They’re just trying to make us look bad in front of God.”

Four National Football League defensive linemen were given the death penalty for touching a quarterback Monday. They will be decapitated during halftime of the Sunday Night Football game. Lawsuits continue to be filed against the league by former players claiming chronic helmet hair and inability to dance without scoring a touchdown.

Don Arrup

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Camptown Races

Which would you prefer in Hilary Rodham Clinton’s basement?

-- S&M Discipline Guest Room

-- Closet Mosque

-- Pedophilia Hall of Fame

--Underground Urban Lesbian Potato Farm

-- Waffen-SS Gun and Memorabilia Collection

-- 20,000 shoes

-- Towels from every hotel, palace, military base, school, home and flop house she’s stayed at

-- World’s largest Severe Brassiere collection

-- A personal internet server containing all the country’s security and nuclear weapon codes and           all the entries of her husband’s little black book

Don Arrup