Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Church Vs Pizza

Explaining that since pizza is not mentioned in the Bible and God, apparently, doesn’t approve of the tomato and cheese corrupted flat bread, Pope Trump (he tired of the United States Presidency after two years and twelve wars) has declared that the eating of pizza or similar perversions of the same ingredients (stromboli, calzone, pizza bagels and bites) will be considered a mortal sin beginning the Monday after the Super Bowl. “Even Jesus might have a slice if his Saints make it in again,” the pontiff exclaimed.

The newly appointed Jewish Pope or “Rad Rabbi” spoke from the Super Synagogue in True Israel, Florida declaring that if the pig was circumcised before puberty it could be smoked into Kosher ham. The Futures Market exploded in orders of pork bellies as delicatessens from Manhattan’s Lower East Side to the Jewish strongholds in Montana and Mississippi broke out in bacon wars fought with firearms.

Now that ISIS controls all of the Middle East and Europe, England is the new Israel in isolation. Scotland, which was always secretly Muslim, broke out in Scotch plaid burkhas and the red beard boys had to drop the hem on their kilts to Saudi Sand Sweeps. Thames telly premieres the new Brit-Com about the life of the Prophet Mohammed called “Work for your Wife” to rave reviews and suicide bombers. 

The Supreme Court of the United States found that the different denominations of Protestant Christianity are not religious organizations since they failed to abuse and sexually exploit their children. Catholic, Muslim and Jewish clergy testified to the continuing hypocrisy of Protestants following their creed. “They’re just trying to make us look bad in front of God.”

Four National Football League defensive linemen were given the death penalty for touching a quarterback Monday. They will be decapitated during halftime of the Sunday Night Football game. Lawsuits continue to be filed against the league by former players claiming chronic helmet hair and inability to dance without scoring a touchdown.

Don Arrup

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Camptown Races

Which would you prefer in Hilary Rodham Clinton’s basement?

-- S&M Discipline Guest Room

-- Closet Mosque

-- Pedophilia Hall of Fame

--Underground Urban Lesbian Potato Farm

-- Waffen-SS Gun and Memorabilia Collection

-- 20,000 shoes

-- Towels from every hotel, palace, military base, school, home and flop house she’s stayed at

-- World’s largest Severe Brassiere collection

-- A personal internet server containing all the country’s security and nuclear weapon codes and           all the entries of her husband’s little black book

Don Arrup


Sunday, September 27, 2015

Volkswagen Is Just The Tip of The Iceberg

So Volkswagen admitted they lied 11 million times in the last few years with their jerry rigged emissions software? It’s Europe. Wouldn’t make the top 10 list here.

It isn’t even crap which at least would be fecal matter and organic 

Gossip with video or mediocre singers judging bad ones 

Grandma would be better off parked in a Pet Motel

If this placebo doesn’t work we always have a more expensive one

That’s why they never stop talking

Kids don’t want to know and who can blame them?

Don Arrup


Friday, September 25, 2015

Pope Arrives Too Late To Save Yogi

Pope Francis arrived in New York yesterday afternoon just 46 hours too late to save the church’s secret envoy Cardinal Yogi Berra from the savage grammarians who had pledged to kill him on National Punctuation Day Thursday. The Pope addressed reporters on the steps of Saint Patrick’s Cathedral on Fifth Avenue:

“This whole trip was scheduled especially to confront the faceless evil that wields the red pen and destroys the futures of those who do not use perfect English.”

The Pope went on to pledge that he will canonize the undercover Cardinal who’s divine tongue caused chaos and suicide in English departments throughout American Academia.

Lawrence Peter Berra was born in St. Louie in 1925. In 1942, he was recruited along with his buddy and neighbor Joe Garagiola by their hometown Cardinals to play professional baseball. Joe was offered a $500 signing bonus while Yogi, under a secret arrangement made by the Catholic Church and the Divine Spirit of St. Louis, was offered only $250. The snub was only a cover for Berra to be inducted into the Vatican’s College of Cardinals which had not been fielding a team since the global conflict began. The supposed talent scout for the New York Yankees then spirited Berra into Italy which was controlled by Mussolini’s Fascists at the time. 

Getting a first hand look at the evil system in Italy and in two clandestine forays into Germany and Austria, Berra began to draw the parallels between European fascism and American Educational Dogmatism and Anglophilia. While books were being burned under Hitler in Germany, text books began to tyrannize both adults and children in America by setting strict limitations on their use of the “Mother Tongue.” Local expressions and pronunciations were being spelled out of existence as grandparents were condemned as ignorant and unschooled.

In schools teachers enforced the organizing of written thoughts into sentences and paragraphs- demanding that theses display a beginning, middle and end so that even our thoughts and minds were being imprisoned in a biological model of generation and mortality that denied eternity and salvation.

English, once a living language, spoken and created daily by the greatest geniuses of humankind- Shakespeare, Bacon (also the greatest breakfast of humankind), Johnson and Johnson (Ben and Sam before the baby powder) was being reduced into the croak of corpses imposing their arbitrary, elitist cacophony on the masses in an attempt to shut them up. Literacy had been hijacked by self appointed and tenured “professors” of the language. Words not organized according to the dictates of the English dictators were dismissed summarily as incorrect or ungrammatical.     

More recently arrived ethnic groups surrendered their children to the government for indoctrination. Rather than enriching communication and contributing to the creation of a truly American language, immigrants buckled to Anglophiles and the minority Anglo-Americans whose senseless, inconsistent bastard language English which now, thanks to the dons of Oxbridge, was deader than Sanskrit.  

Cardinal Berra knew that with the entire world on fire America was its only hope so he returned home and joined the United States Navy. Under the cover of a seaman second class, Berra sailed to India. Reasoning that the rigidity of the English language was manifesting in its speakers as a muscular rigidity throughout the body, Berra undertook the study of health improvement in one of the six schools of orthodox Hinduism known as Yoga. The British were already near rigor mortis in their posture and movement so Berra sought to release the body in order to release the tongue and, hopefully, the soul.

After mastering the subtleties of Hatha yoga and manning an attack boat on Omaha Beach, Berra returned to the New York after the war and got a job that offered constant travel and exposure to the public- the two key ingredients for his strategy to introduce and indoctrinate the American public as to the virtues of physical flexibility and abdominal breathing. His ministry took him to all the major cities in the country where he proved popular with local reporters. Soon his quotations were circulated along with pictures of the Cardinal in Eastern inspired sitting positions and squats. His signature crouching posture between the official and ball slapper probably became the first recognizable yoga posture in the United States and was imitated by others in his profession. Thus, Cardinal Berra became known as “Yogi.”

Realizing that the national media of his time was enslaved by the Chicago Manual of Style, Cardinal Yogi didn’t attempt to preach the liberation of soul and body but designed subtle and brilliant semantic riddles or koans to tie up the grammarians while directly addressing the deepest reaches of the human spirit. “It ain’t over till it’s over. If you see a fork in the road, take it.” though grammatically correct they explode the insidious, underlying intention of grammar: to control and limit the thought and expression of the masses.

Cardinal Yogi used his life, his body, his words and even his face to break the suffocating stranglehold of “proper usage.” Like a myth manifested in pinstripes, Yogi’s entire being was a poem of freedom and expression and with his loss “the future ain’t what it used to be.”

Some will miss Yogi for his contribution to New York baseball at which he was rumored to be adept.

Goodbye, Yogi

Don Arrup




Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Mickey Jack

As thousands of animals and non biological creatures continue to pour into the Upper West Side of Manhattan in search of the sanctuary of Sesame Street, Mickey Monster continues his extermination of the non rodent population of Disneyland and World. Former Governor and Republican Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush declines responsibility and points to his repeated warning that the state within his state of Florida known as Disney World was on the edge of genocidal ethnic cleansing.  

“When the Mouse was first thrown out in a coup in Disneyland inside California and came to D World in our state I begged Obama to protect the puppets and talking insects. But Obama has been so hands off that soon Bambi and Jiminy Cricket were burning in the hearth where Pinocchio was the timber.”

Donald Trump dismissed the crisis as a common corporate makeover. “Bambi, Thumper, the Little Mermaid. These are not Americans we’re talking about. Pinocchio is Italian and I don’t know what North Korean province Frozen takes place in. CEO Micky has every right to purge these deadbeat freeloaders from his payroll. I can tell you Walt wouldn’t bat an eye the second the sales of any of these cartoon images dipped.”

Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina disagreed. “It was a blood bath in Anaheim when Goofy slaughtered Micky’s top management to take over the helm. Wall Street had written MM off until he popped up at Disney World with Warren Buffet’s Berkshire Hathaway shares and a handful of hedge funds from Hell’s backing. Soon Goofy was in the same doghouse as Pluto and that dog isn’t even considered a planet anymore.”

Mayor de Blasio has declared a state of emergency as New Jersey and Delaware continue to allow the river of storybook, toy store, oceanic and space critters to migrate through on their way to the Children’s Television Workshop home just north of Lincoln Center. Kermit the Frog, considered by most experts on organized crime to be the Godfather of the Muppets, commented on the invasion. 

“Sesame Street is one block in Manhattan and the Children’s Television Workshop has a studio the size of a soccer field in Queens. Just where do all these cartoons think they’re going? Not only do we not have room for them but we market to a completely different demographic. Its Educational Toys vs Just Shut Your Screaming Kid Up shit. Two totally different cultures.”

President Obama answered the criticism in his weekly radio address.

“Look, the United States has always had sovereign nations within the borders of our states. The Native American tribes we didn’t completely wipe out have reservations. And like our former base in Panama and current base in Cuba which were both established by gunboat treaty, the United States enjoys a presence up the ass of other countries. Disneyland and Disney World are unique in that they represent an invasion and seduction that allowed the dictator Walt Disney to experiment with bio systems where small mammals were allowed greater freedom of expression to use language and dress in clothes. Marine, birds, monsters, space and even common household objects soon petitioned for their own existence and were tolerated in a multi-reality animated universe which now, unfortunately, has collapsed into unspeakable horror.”

“Our intelligence agencies and the Pentagon carefully monitored these Disney islands since they are within our borders and apart of our economy. Mr. Mouse set about isolating and exterminating the fairy godmothers, good witches, friendly wizards and other forces of tolerance and democracy before beginning his final solution to the multi-species cartoon. Since we have no jurisdiction in the territories under Mickey’s control, I have called on the United Nations who decline to become involved in entertainment issues.”

Don Arrup

Monday, September 7, 2015


The reason zombies are so popular is because that is what we have become. Just look at our presidential candidates. There is not a single candidate in either party who is not talking to zombies. Deportation, Persian nukes, Cigar Island follies, Kentucky clerk, club basement internet games, fleecing billionaires. The living do not care about this shit. Only zombies get worked up over these undead issues. 

Can we deport our way out of the slightly slower Syria we’ve had on our border for decades? No. Zombie no. If we overturn ObamaCare today will half the country lose weight, start exercising and eat something that came out of the ground? No zombie way.

Can we fix other countries while in the fix we’re in? Democratize Cuba? We can’t bring democracy to Florida. Just let the greenbacks into Havana. There are forces that can withstand and even repel America’s military might but nothing on Earth can withstand American monetary might. The green zombie.

God says zombies can’t get married. Every mall would be empty. You could get a taxi in Times Square. Nobody would be here. Emergency Room waits would be shorter than the time it takes to die. Ka Ching Kung Fu to the higher power of Tiananmen Square. Oh, that’s right. That never happened. We owe China money.

The elections they’re beating our heads with are fifteen months away. That’s longer than most straight marriages last. About the average drag span of your fairly intact space zapped zombie. Zombies used to only live for 90 minutes or 32 episodes at most before they won. Now we have them for the entire election cycle.

I wish somebody- anybody- would cut a fart during the debates and prove they’re not a zombie. Flatulence to a zombie is like a massive heart attack or severe stroke. They’re just a bucket of guts. For them it’s spontaneous combustion. You don’t need a mike down there. Their whole flesh edifice would collapse and they’d still go up in the polls.

Don Arrup


Friday, August 28, 2015

Bitch Caesar

In the deepest jungles of Hungry, up the mysterious River Danube, down into the Black Forest, Donald Trump leads Middle Eastern refuges into the rectum of Europe. New York’s biggest billionaire developer, prime time television hit star and Presidential Primaries front runner hides in the world’s spotlight while running the global underground railroad providing escape routes for slaves the world over and sanctuary to war’s dispossessed. 

Donald (Gaelic for “honest”) Not To Be Trump(ed) was born Donald Trump to two parents. Accusations of natural insemination leading to his creation still abound. He grew in height and weight due to eating and breathing. Went to school somewhere. Probably graduated. He both inherited and made money and got laid, married, laid, divorced,  laid, married. Biologically contributed to the birth of offspring.

While rebuilding Wollman skating rink in Central Park in 1987, Donald was approached by three Wise Men who recruited him to spend his free weekends in the jungles of Thailand as a conductor in the SouthEast Asian underground railroad running prepubescent girls out of brothels to international adoption agencies set up in Singapore. Brandishing his organizational skills and fierce competitiveness, Donald soon was dubbed “Harry Tubman” in honor of legendary freedom smuggler Harriet Tubman of Maryland. Though his true identity wasn’t revealed until his recent appearance on Vietnam’s version of “What’s My Line” the price on the head of Harry T was valued at over 10 million dollars. 

“Chump change,” Trump told his Vietnamese audience. “A week’s paycheck for me.”

As the recent discovery of cancer in the brain of former president and peanut farmer Jimmy Carter has led to a mass migration out of the Middle East into Europe, Harry Tub has been once again called in to save Midtown ice skating and the world. 

“I’ve got three months to build a skating path from Syria to Berlin,” T Rump bellowed. “If anyone can jimmy solar panels to freeze nonexistent water it is DT!”

German Fuhrerin Angel Faced Merkel praised Donny boy and chastised Europeans for their xenophobia and Americans for their persecution of Bill Belichick. “I find it hard to believe that after all Europe has been through in the last century that Americans would punish Tom and Billy for letting air out of their balls.”

Financial Markets across the globe reacted to Trump’s advise to China to devalue sex along with their currency. “Tell your daughters to put out. I’m talking to you, Lee and you too, Wu. It’s all made in China anyway.”

Hilary Clinton admitted in an interview on the Public Television News Hour that if the elections were held today she would vote for Trump. “I could just never get my hair to do that. He’s not without his talents.”

Don Arrup