Saturday, April 22, 2017

The Mother Of All Blonds

Xi Jing Ping Pong Ball
A date with Donald Hairdo
In Margo ala Go Go
Vlad seeing Red
Didn’t he make Donnie Prom Queen?

Kim stewing in his Kim Chee
Wasn’t wearing his low back tunic
And Asian Elvis Wannabe
If he is never asked to Florida
Where is he to go?

I’ll send him boats
Pretty planes, brass faced admirals
With scrambled eggs on their brows
Spies in sky and trench coat
D(D)T promised

But Kim Chee is feeling dumped
Though he and Donald were never really
Both put the starch in upstart
Thumbed their nose at sky and everything below
And have new clear ambitions

Bromance Brit is getting divorced
Glory past and Lizzie’s tired
Since the Iron Handbag died
Brit’s been losing weight
And looking more like Candy to the north

Dropped a big hello on camel town
Made sure all our friends tucked away
Heard our greeting
As we drone on and on
About making the world safe for plutocracy

Don Arrup
Satire1


Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Korea Doll

President of the People’s Republic of China Xi Jingping called North Korean Commie King Kim Jong-un(hinged)

Xi
Hey, great job scaring Trump during my visit over there.

Kim
No problem. 

Xi
Hey, Kimmie Baby, don’t think we don’t appreciate you jacking off that mock long range missile right after your parade. I know that was really embarrassing for you but it was really effective. The Don tried to cover shitting his pants by acting like he sat on some chocolate cake. 

Kim
Was it the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you’ve ever seen?

Xi
His chef stacked two Entenmann’s and tried to smooth the icing out. It tasted like shit even more than it looked like shit. I thought the first trophy made it.

Kim
I never thought he would swallow the whole ruse so quick.

Xi
Are you kidding? We got Obama to spook him for us.

Kim
How did you get Bam Bam to do that?

Xi
We sat on the videos of him banging his bong in his Senate office.

Kim
How long had you had those?

Xi
Since his first week in the Senate. Before he was there we were there.

Kim
Too bad he could only serve two terms.

Xi
Yeah, Putin has the Blond so we really needed you to get him off the trade swindle.

Kim
Hey, Xi Xi.

Xi
Yeah, Un Bun?

Kim
I’m in one of those moods again.

Xi
What? Like you want to feed your people or something?

Kim
It’s spring. The birds and insects are eating. It makes the people hungry.

Xi
Un Bun, didn’t your daddy tell you- I know your grand pappy did- if you want to mess with the Americans you have to be like the Americans. Have you ever seen an American president who gave the least little shit for his people?

Kim
I know, but they have so much over there.

Xi
Which makes it that much more difficult. They finally figured out letting half their poor starve and overstuff the rest with junk to keep the doctors rich. You’re not quite there yet. A few more nuke extortions but-

Kim
And we don’t have any doctors.

Xi
Kim, we talked about this. If you start training doctors then the people will want hospitals and the doctors will want to prescribe drugs. You don’t want to go there. Even the Americans are sorry they ever thought about it.

Kim
Is Putin going to give Donny a second term?

Xi
When you’ve got a puppet in your pocket you don’t look for new strings.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thursday, March 30, 2017

What Blowjobs Look Like From Outer Space

The photons that bounced off of the bobbing head of Monica Lewinsky as she serviced the forty second president of the United States, in theory, should still be progressing across the Universe, at the speed of light- since photons make up what we call light. 

The paths of the photons could be straight since even our crowded galaxy is still over 99% empty; or their paths could be deflected, bent or even absorbed by planets, moons, asteroids, meteors, cosmic dust clouds and black holes. 

The super secret NASA/Air Force Extraterrestrial Communications Unit released to Satire1 (no better place to keep secrets since absolutely nobody reads it) that both a number of intelligent life forms and idiots very similar to ourselves across the Universe have been enjoying the pornographic political show but are disappointed with its cancellation and replacement with the more Evangelical Monogamy Bush program. The Obamas haven’t even made it to Zaytar X52 yet.

Which leads us to the question: if a head drops on a lap and no one else is there does it make a sound?

There were six scientists who were said to fully understand Einstein’s theories and eight today that might be able to explain how the Universe works with String Theory. Newton was beaned by an apple. Galileo dropped a feather and a cannon ball off of a tower at the same time. Monica dropped her head and lobbed off Hillary’s crown twenty years later.

The fallout of those six blowjobs blanketed the surface of the globe and is still radio and television fodder twenty years later. Monica’s hum jobs are the most celebrated and berated oral sex in history but people didn’t vote for Trump because former first couldn’t take care of business.

Satire1 goes to 42cd Street and First Avenue 

“I didn’t get any ass after 1995 let alone blow jobs and I was still in my forties. I think she was giving Bungalow Bill my blow jobs.”

“There are a finite number of blow jobs possible at any given time. I’m a sexual statistician for the Pentagon and though the number of blow jobs fluctuates over time with the 1970’s under Carter being the blow job blow out of the century down to the meager lip wisps and tickles that pass for fellatio today, it is more than possible- I might even say likely- that Monica’s head could only be in one place at one time.”

“I’m a Second Amendment guy- NRA all the way- and I prefer a woman to suck my guns.”


“You saw Barry Sanders wife? Happy woman, right? You know he dives for crabgrass.”

“In my heart, I believe that Billy Clinton is Billy Clitoris. I think he eats women like the Big Macs we are. I believe he licks us like ice cream, huffs us like heroin and slaps that big ole boy tongue around like he was spanking every mare in the stable with it. I love him for that and kneel down and nod yes, Mr. President everyday in his and Monica’s honor.”

“I’m almost certain that if Monica blew every politician in D.C. there would never had been an impeachment.”

“It was one of our country’s greatest moments. I have no doubt about that now. I mean, nobody’s gravestone says I got too much head.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thursday, March 23, 2017

I Bugged Trump Tower

I, Don Arrup, placed a “thimble pinch” bugging devise purchased decades earlier at the Spy Shop on First Avenue across from the United Nations where I was a waiter to bug my roommate and former girlfriend Donna W---. Fortunately, I came to my senses before installation and decided to save it in case a TV star billionaire took over the country in the next millennium. 

Watching Donald T rise like a boil out of the pack of Republican presidential candidates called me to action. I contacted the catering director at Trump Tower who I had worked with at the UN years before and asked to be put their on call list for executive room service. 

For months they had no need for a fill in until a heavy snowfall on March 10 of the election year shut down the MTA and I was called as the closest on the list to Trump Towers. Super Tuesday and the New York State primaries were still ahead but I sensed that Donald Towers was unstoppable.

After walking forty blocks through heavy un-shoveled snow I reported in to a closet office in the back of the kitchen on the Grand Ballroom Annex level. My UN alum shook my hand and fit me for a short waisted, chain button, extreme peaked lapeled, coffee and cream colored jack and bow tie.

There were fourteen lunch requests and six rum runs which I caught up with just before three. Then the call came. I was stacking plate covers for the dinner round when I heard the service phone ring and I knew from the first chime it was Donald.

A ham and ham sandwich on toasted Christian rye, white mustard, mayo aioli mommy and horseradish cream. In the Midtown delis the combo had for two decades been known as a “Realtor’s blowjob” regular Coke, Mesquite Barbecue Dirty Chips and double dill pickle quartered length wise.

I jotted the initials DT slash RBJ on the order and nothing else. In six minutes the Chef, Executive Chef, Kitchen Manager, Floor Manager, Head of Security and Secret Service were bent over my cart. Go time. Elevator waiting we rolled top floor. I had to make a quick calculation. This was a simple drop off lunch. There was no need for me to stay and serve the sandwich and pour the Coke so Donald would probably wave me off. 

I figured I could probably just go immediately to checking his Coke bar. Donald famously doesn’t drink alcohol. Just check up on his sodas, waters and snacks. I had the thimble pinch in my right pants pocket, I could only hope he had his refreshments near a phone. 

I had been practicing taking the bottoms off of phones at my other catering gigs. Security took my Leatherman when I entered the building. I was down to a wine key, my apartment key and pen. I held the thimble pinch in a little marijuana dime bag in my mouth until I got to the kitchen. I had considered holding it in the other end. 

Big D was on the phone when I entered. The service elevator opens a little to the right of the huge doors his secretary lets guests and clients through so I rolled right into the liar. Without ever turning to me the boss waved me over to his table. He was turned in his chair looking out the window and placating a client or official. I placed the lunch plate and Coke behind him and was looking for his dry bar and other phone. Just as I saw it was just to the right of the service elevator I came through Donald turned to me and asked if I could stay a minute. 

I nodded affirmative.

He was mostly listening. Like all really powerful people he is a good listener. When he finally signed off he turned and apologized and asked if I minded his asking me a few personal questions.

Again, I nodded in the affirmative. 

He asked me if I was a registered voter but not who I was voting for. He wanted to know if I had ever waited on the other Republican candidates. I named four of his rivals. What did I think of Ted Cruz’s haircut? I thought the Texas Jellyroll suited the shape of his face. Were Jeb Bush’s hands smaller than his? Yes, and noticeably so even from across a room. Did Marco Rubio wear shoes at formal dinners? Never, black Cuban slippers with a wingtip design in silver. 

Then he wanted to know about Hillary. He didn’t ask if I had waited on her or knew her. Every cater waiter in New York knew their former senator. What did I think of her do? An insult to scissors and peroxide. Pants suits? Worse than Merkel’s if that was possible. Handling of the Middle East crises? She screwed it up about the same as everyone else who goes there.

Finally, he got to Bernie and asked if he sounded too much like him. Bernie is selling ice cream to kids while you’re selling yesterday to people who don’t have a future. He liked that answer. He said the past is the great untapped resource in American politics and that only Reagan and himself understood that.

He asked me if there was anything I could do for him and I told him that I had a problem making out what he ordered and since he has such a clear and articulate voice it must be the service phone and would he mind if I took a look at it. He said certainly and turned back to the widow and picked up his outside line and asked his secretary to get him the mayor. 

I was able to place the devise quickly under the plastic molding after attaching the wires. Though I rarely listened to the intercepts after the first month since I don’t speak Russian or Farsi and stopped recording after the CIA was bought out by People’s Republic of China, I will, on occasion, open the line in the background for my friends to enjoy at lunch time. No one orders sandwiches for his guests like Donald.

Don Arrup
Satire1 

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Trump Pledges To Liberate Sweden

In last night’s Address to a Joint Session of Congress, President Trump promised the besieged state of Sweden that the United States military would drive out the godless blue eyed Muslim Mexicans who have invaded and conquered the Scandinavian stronghold. 

Referring to the enemy as the M&Ms, Trump recounted a war of infiltration, penetration, subterfuge and peroxide as bleached blond devils used fake passports and sing song accents to smuggle stolen American companies like IKEA, Solvatten, Saab and Volvo into Sweden so that they might grow like a cancer into their economy. The infiltration was so successful that many younger Swedes actually think of them as Swedish companies.

“I’ve spoken to the president of Muslimico and told him in no uncertain terms that I will direct the greatest military the world has ever seen in primetime to the fjords and saunas of Sweden where our Admirals and Generals have orders from their president to kill any blond under 5’6” who answers to como estas jihad.”

When asked by numerous reporters why there were so many blonds in Sweden to begin with the president replied: “Everybody wants to look like me. It’s a burden I’ve lived with since I blossomed into the world’s most handsome man.”

When his handpicked press pool asked for the Pentagon’s reaction to his pledge, Trump waxed philosophical. “Nobody hates war more than generals. They brought up a number of concerns- some of them legitimate- we like hot climates, we’ll have to change our pants, oranges cost five bucks there, the girls whack men off with golf clubs. The usual bellyache. So I told the generals that it was Sweden or Canada but we’re going to have it out with the M&Ms somewhere before Sweeps Week in May.” 

When asked about the cost, President Trump was quick to fire back. “I’m sending the whole bill to Brussels. The EU- yes, you! is picking up this tab. We’ll take the risks, shed the blood but the European Union for once is going to pay to preserve our precious freedom, sweat rooms and white meatballs.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Poli-Oscar

As the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences begins recounts for over twelve of their coveted golden bald men awards named after a puppet who lives in a trashcan on Sesame Street, Satire1 has procured the list of secret Oscars distributed during commercials to the real actors in the real shows of 2016.

Best Comedy
2016 United States Presidential Elections

Best Actor in a Farce 
Donald Trump

Best Actor in a Crime Drama
Hillary Clinton

Best Clown in a Liberal Comedy
Bernie Sanders

Best Clown in a Conservative Comedy
Ted Cruz

Most Hysterical over Election Results
New York Times

Best Documentary Based on Alternate Facts
Fox News coverage of new Administration’s first month

Best Original Story
Donald Trump “Midnight in American”

Best Original Song
Hillary Clinton “It’s My Party and I’ll Run If I Want To”

Best Makeup
Donald Trump’s Florida Orange skin and blond Flippity Do Da 

Worst Costume
Hillary Clinton’s Snow Cone colored pants suits

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Pubic Television

As the Grand Old Party is once again licking it chops over the defunding of NEA (Nepotism Endowment of the Arts) and PBS (Public Bullshit System) Channel 13 here in New Jersey/York and WNEA in Beantown are putting themselves through a furious make over to draw more viewers and donations. 

Satire1 secured a list of what were Public Television’s top rated shows and how they’ll be reworked before spring.

Antique Road Show will become Antique Road Whoe
Join Sassy and Pussi as they travel to our country’s longest active whoe walks from San Fransisco’s Tenderloin District to Baltimore’s Block. Interviews with streetwalkers and fur capped pimps mixed with reviews of local cuisine offered at back wagon restaurants and hot dog stands on the strips.

And to get the inside scoop watch as This Old House morphs into This Whore House where Bertha and Mooshie give tours of the country’s grandest and longest established brothels. Tips from experts in every perversion make TWH the must watch compliment to ARW for those who think fun!

For top notch investigative journalism you can’t beat Frontline as it goes undercover under the covers in Downline. You won’t have to wait for impeachment trials or Senate investigations as top reporters get the low down on who’s going down on who in D.C. 

Washington Week in Review will become Washington Week Confidential as the panel of clueless columnists and reporters are replaced with real deal sharing Madams and blackmailing ex-staff members filling in the blanks between Downline’s historic revelations. 

For the kiddies Sesame Street turns the corner to Sexame Street
Big Bird retires and is replaced by Big Boobs, a yellow haired Puerto Rican Stripper and her lovely friends the Nookie Monster and Oscar who always has his face buried in someone.

The whole family can enjoy when Nature becomes Raw Nature which puts a little more emphasis on the reproductive activities of animals and some of the unique relationships they can develop with lonely farmers and zoologists. 

Military and history buffs will be thrilled when Secrets of the Dead matures into Sex Secrets of the Dead taking us under the uniforms of famous generals and dictators while the new American Sexperience does the same with our past leaders, inventors and captains of industry.

No Sunday night would be complete without Masterpiece Porno which moves from the stuffy 19th century centric of the BBC to Danish Television’s naughty network hits. For America’s own catch updated Great Performances X featuring the most endowed and flexible copulatory artistes from the 50 states.

Just as you enjoyed the stories of the writers, musicians and visual and performing artists on American Masters who brought so much pleasure to all the world, you’ll enjoy American Masturbators who brought so much pleasure to themselves. 

Don Arrup
Satire1