Saturday, July 22, 2017

From Russia With Dirt

Released emails coinciding with a last minute announcement by Donald Trump Jr. that he had contact with a nefarious Russian lawyer offering dirt on Hillary Clinton have re-sparked the Russian collusion controversy. 

Satire1 has returned to Loch Raven Boulevard and Belvedere Avenue in Baltimore, Md. to question the citizenry on the topic. 

Mother of Two
“I don’t see what relation Donald Trump Jr. has to the President except by birth. I get dirt on my sister’s husband- hell, he’s hit on me more times than I can remember- I only gave in twice- and I never share it with her. She wouldn’t want to hear it anyway.”

Guy with pants
“The Russians had dirt on a Clinton? Stop the presses! You can’t swing a dead cat over a chicken farm and not hit a milkmaid who hasn’t been molested by Bill and then threatened by Hill.”

College Student with no date
“Income inequality comes from information inequality. It’s like insider trading. How come the rich get all the great gossip?”

Woman with brown eyes and red mouth
“Why would Putin mess with us now? We couldn’t have steered ourselves straighter to hell than the way we’ve been going for a generation now.”

White Minority Guy
“Americans used to hate blacks but then the blacks became Americans too and there just wasn’t enough violence to maintain a status quo and there still isn’t.”

Child of Two
“Trump has Stalin’s haircut. You can tell a lot about a person by how they comb their hair.”

Unemployed Blacksmith
“Hey, Junior’s invited to a rendezvous with a Russian woman and it’s all James Bond and Bourne Identity so he brings his whole frat house with him?”

Ninth Grader in Spiderman shirt
“You have to go to law school to be a prostitute in Russia. Just like most of our politicians here.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Mop Job

The Grey Baboon Room on the second floor of the West Wing of the White House. President Trump talks to the cleaning lady, Millie.

Trump
What else did you find under the rug?

Millie
An 1888 silver dollar, two hairpins- I don’t know- they look like my grandmother’s- maybe even older- and Social Security Reform.

Trump
The silver dollar’s mine. You can keep the hair pins. I don’t need them. 

Millie
Thank you, Mr. President.

Trump
Is your grandmother still with us?

Millie
She died last millennium.

Trump
Well, I hope her hair looked nice in the box.

Millie
No casket. We just put her in her car at the end of the mall parking lot and torched it.

Trump
If I die- god forbid- here in office, I’ve already signed the orders to lay me out in the Oval Office and burn the White House down around me.

Millie
Shame they can’t burn the whole town down around you. 

Trump
Can you do anything with the Social Security Reform?

Millie
Well, that’s quite a mess that’s only getting worse by the day.

Trump
I could ask Mitch and Paul to help you.

Millie
Oh no no no. Not them!

Trump
Maybe I could charm Nancy and Chuck to come over.

Millie
Those are the four reasons I can’t get anything done around here.

Trump
Is there anybody from the other House or the Senate that could lend you a hand?

Millie
That I can trust?

Trump
You can’t raise the bar to the Moon, Millie. Under all those suits and haircuts they’re just legislators. Trust what they trust. Trust what I trust. Trust what everybody trusts.

Millie
In God We Trust.

Trump
On the back. Federal Reserve Note on the front.

Millie
Amen.

Trump
Unfortunately for you, I’m already married or I would marry you, Millie, right here, right now. 

Millie
I noticed you didn’t say happily married.

Trump
I just stretch the truth. I don’t beat it with a dead model.

Millie
Gazoontite.

Trump
Okay, sweep Social Security Reform back under the rug. I’ve got the wall to build anyway.

Millie
Anything in the East Wing you want me to tidy?

Trump
Well, there is this kid Kim.

Millie
I don’t do windows or North Korea, Mr. President. 

Trump
How about the kitchen? I hear some anarchists made hamburger out of Hamburg last night.

Millie
It’s the worst mess they’ve had there since we firebombed them wars ago.

Trump
How’s the pool? No oil spills, I hope.

Millie
Not recently. Do you swim, Mr. President?

Trump
No, I stand next to my wife when she’s in a bikini. It makes me looked tanned.

Don Arrup
Satire1 


Sunday, July 2, 2017

D.C. Spelling Bee

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, how do you spell Trumpcare?

Mitch
T-A-X-C-U-T

Correct!

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, how do you spell Obamacare?

Nancy
D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R

Correct!

House Speaker Paul Ryan, how do you spell Freedom Caucus?

Paul
E-N-E-M-I-E-S

Correct!

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, how do you spell Wall Street?

Chuck
M-A-S-T-E-R

Correct! 

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Heart of Queens (or He Said, He Said)

Comey testimony Comey testimony Comey testimony
His Blondness blood orange with rage
Steps on the stage
Reporter pool turbulence
Silence

Big Jowls stares down the crowd
Great suits worn like pajamas
Blinding white shirts
Cotton candy colored tie
Why?

Comey testimony Comey testimony Comey testimony
I didn’t say that
How could I?
I don’t know the man
He lied

FBI is just fib spelled forward
And he’s taller than me
That’s too tall
More famous
Not right

Comey testimony Comey testimony Comey testimony
Don’t leave me alone with him
He’s Bill Cosby
He flies on airplanes
He’ll grab me by my integrity

The former director pleaded
To Crimson Tide AG
Himself trying to resign
And get back his Bama seat

Comey testimony Comey testimony Comey testimony
I’m not the liar
I have memos and friends
To leak for me
Lord let there be tapes

Secretary of Blind Statue
Juggles the scales and lifts the fold
Answers softballs but ducks major league
No privilege needed in amnesia

Comey testimony Comey testimony Comey testimony
Nothing happened
There’s been no betrayal
And that’s why it’s impossible
To cover the trail


 Sessions confessions Sessions confessions Sessions con

Don Arrup
Satire1

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

I Did Not Have Sex With That Diplomat

When President Trump held his meeting with the Russian Ambassadors last month the western press was excluded. Only later when the pictures from the political orgy were released online by the Russian news and porn service TASS (T & Ass) did the full scandal begin to unfold.  

Sergey (pronounced Sure Gay) Lavrov, the Russian Foreign Minister and Sergey Kislyck (Pronounced Kiss Lick) the Russian Ambassador to the United States were in a menage a trois with General Flynn who was widely known as the biggest slut in the Penthouseagon. When President Trump chose Flynn to be National Security Adviser he realized almost immediately but already too late that hiring Flynn made him a pimp. 

Since the mainstream liberal media of Fox and Limbaugh remain transfixed on their fetishes of national security, taxes and power shifts in Washington, it falls to small unread blogs like Satire1 to excavate the truth on important matters like who’s getting some and from whom. So we turn to our usual suspects and experts on matters political and discrete.

Professor Bert Boner, Wharton Business School
“On The Apprentice our alum Trump ran a reality TV business brothel. Now President Trump and his son in law see the opportunity to set up a Club Med style super brothel resort on the Black Sea to cash in on the sex tourism trade. The main attraction is a V.I.P. only super exclusive inner ring to be called ‘The President’s Pants.’ Can you get in The President’s Pants?”    

Madame Sophie, proprietor of Madame Sophie’s Erotic Rub Hut, Baltimore, Md
“I’m glad to see the President take his trade overseas. Hard for us little house whoes to compete with the big box brothels. I’ve got nearly a dozen Korean and Mexican girls here from 30 different countries but I can’t compete with the United Nations.”

Julius Caesar, retired Emperor of Rome
“What’s all this about Trump playing me in Central Park? Is he in the actor’s union?”

Sweeney Horn, regular john at northern Virginia and D.C. brothels
“Of course Big Don wants to pop his Black Sea cherry. We know what kind of women he likes. Who’d have guessed that Barbie Doll was really named Natasha? No wonder our women never get over their Mattel hells and we say we won the Cold War.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Monday, May 29, 2017

In Memorium

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this blog and others like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Friday, May 12, 2017

Come Hang With Me

President Trump has been inviting fellow heads of state to hang out at Margo La La Go Go. Even his critics admit they are the best soirees since Hugh Hefner lived in Chicago.

President Duterte of the Philippines picks up the phone

Trump
Hey, President Duterte, this is Big Donald. Congratulations on what a great job you and your people are doing slaughtering the drug gangs. Way to get the job done. You’re welcome. The press over here distorts everything. Killing drug gangsters isn’t murder. It’s extermination. You’re the long over due exterminator. Hey, I know Arnold. If we can talk him into joining you you two could be the Exterminator and the Terminator.  

Si, si. My wife does like that. All my wives like that. I don’t know any wife who wouldn’t. Now I don’t know. With a wooden leg might present a problem. You know who you remind me of? That’s right. How did you know that? I didn’t tweet that and forget? Mayor Rizzo was your model. Yeah, I agree. The Philippines and Philadelphia do have an awful lot in common. 

No, I am not going to bust your balls over naval bases. It’s beach front property. We can’t afford them and the wall. Hey, let me let you in on a secret. When I get the funding- and I will get the funding- no problem- I’m going to hire the Chinese to build it. Yeah, the wall. Have you seen their wall? Even I was impressed. Of course, we want our wall bigger and longer. I mean China might have the Great Wall but America will have the Trump Wall. And that will get Xi Xi out of Africa for a while. The Chinese are everywhere on that continent where there isn’t shooting. 

Thanks, Melania and I would be honored to be your guests- after you finish the drug bug bomb. But for right now I’d like to invite you and your charming wife to Margo La La Go Go for a weekend away from the massacre. Do you play golf?

Don Arrup 
Satire1