Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Senate Decides Torture Hurts

Senator Pilfort
"I thought water boarding was just the summer equivalent of snow boarding."

Senator Whacker
"Months of sleep deprivation interspersed with random outbursts of blaring screams and lights that never turn off. Hell, throw in no nookie and you'd have my first year of raising each of our six kids."

Senator Cyclone
"Isn't Guantanamo on the Carnival Cruise Lines?"

Senator Duster
"Being coerced into sitting through the State of the Union address ought to be illegal."

Don Arrup

Saturday, November 29, 2014

ObamaCare And Doesn't

One Year Exemptions

Suffers of CFLS (chronically feel like shit) can keep their plans or go without for another year since nothing seems to help.

People afflicted with WITAM (Why is it always me?) can whine about something else for a year.

Someone with your last name died this year. (Requires picture of dated gravestone or obit)

Still paying off flat screen TV or upgrade of content provider. (Copy of bill)

Spouse withholding oral sex. (Believe me, we understand)

You meet Federal requirements for Medicaid but the state in which you reside is still fighting the Civil War.

ISIS or ISIL has overrun your neighborhood. (Include video of local beheadings with application)

You have been quarantined for Ebola.

Three year Extensions

Zombies without full time employment 

Vampires with legal residence 

Brain and other major organ transplant patients (Frankensteins)

Don Arrup

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Upcoming Headlines For December 2014

House Republicans Pass Wide Array Of New Taxes

Senate Democrats Cut Spending

FDA Declares E-Cigarettes Healthier Than Breathing

President Obama Takes Action Somewhere In Middle East

Texas Neighbors Have Ebola Envy

Sunnis And Shia Muslims Bury Hatchet

Israel And Palestinians Cut Border Deal

Putin Declares We're All Ukrainians

American Youth Tire Of Electronics

NYC Rents Decline For Second Month In A Row

American Seniors Illegally Cross Mexican Border In Search Of Prescription Drug Deals

Don Arrup

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Voting Rights 2014

Satire1 took a poll of voters from around the nation on today's Midterm Election Day to see if they felt in any way encumbered, disenfranchised or castrated in the exercise of their constitutional right. All quotes are anonymous.

"This man stopped me at the entrance of the polling place and asked me my name. I told him  I can't afford one since they closed the mill. Everybody just calls me asshole."

"I can't believe they have doors on the polling building. These are supposed to be open to the public and they put doors right where people are supposed to go in? What were they thinking?"

"There was a woman holding a baby on her hip and you know that baby was influencing her vote. She probably wants to spend my tax dollars on education, playgrounds, hospitals and other welfare programs."

"How come Jesus Christ isn't on this ballot? I'm not voting for the Devil!"

"I don't have an ID because my parents were zombies."

"I don't have an ID because my parents are from Mars."

"What do I need with an ID? The man just gave me a whole bottle to vote for what's his name."

"Hey, I fought in Civil World 2 and Koreanam and my glasses suck. These apple shiners want my vote they got to come in here and let me feel their mugs."

"It's time we let some other species run the planet."

"You get elected by telling everybody Washington is the worst place on Earth and then they send you there."

Don Arrup

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Halloween 14 Headlines

Castle Frankenstein Quarantined 
Dr. Victor Frankenstein, his creature and Igor have agreed to voluntarily quarantine themselves in the castle after Lawrence Talbot, the local lycanthrope, returned to human form and was found to have a fever and shape changing pattern similar to Ebola. Talbot was visiting the castle to finish an altercation with the creature in which he had torn the bolts out of the creature's neck before being thrown off of a tower. 911 was immediately called by someone's fiancee in a negligee. The hospital accepted Mr. Talbot's Silver Grade ObamaCare. 

ISIS Zombies Battle Al Qaeda Vampires
Terrorist State ISIS or Pissheads in Iraq and Levant penetrated the Turkish border only to find Osama Ben Laden and other Al Qaeda leaders thought dead operating an undead blood collection camp just south of the Turkish Kurd region. Since the drinking of blood is prohibited by the Quran there is expected to be conflict. Vampires generally abhor sucking on zombies and much prefer young women with large eyes and breasts. ISIS will have to follow up their beheadings with impaling their victim's hearts and burning their bodies. Should make for great YouTube!

Where There Is No One To Hear You Scream
Bloodsucking undead financial institutions and hedge funds buy up foreclosed homes and whatever other scraps were left by the ravenous loan sharks and subprime lenders in the American heartland. Longtime residents find themselves in ghost towns ruled by corporate phantoms and patrolled by lawyers and accountants.

Night Of The Tuition Hike
Community Colleges get in on the big green higher education machine leaving recently graduated dental hygienists and teaching assistants with six figure debt.

Rage Of The Regulator
Business startups fall prey to "recent reforms" and health insurance obligations that would have strangled robber barons and Henry Ford.


Don Arrup

Monday, October 20, 2014

Obama Orders Airstrikes On Ebola

As the Middle East continues to be ravaged by the virus ISIS and the disease crosses borders and decapitates villages and cities leaving the populace ungoverned and unprotected, a new front on the war on terror opened in West Africa where the Jihadist Sunni Muslim Terrorist army Ebola broke containment in remote villages and moved into cities and everywhere commercial air travel goes. 

"There have already been attacks in Texas and Ohio. So far the casualties have been minimal but this is just the initial wave. Soon every plane landing in the United States will be carrying an Ebola fighter." 

Ebola formed in the chaos of civil and holy war in Liberia and Guinea and even disturbed good neighbor Sierra Leone, half sister of dessert manufacturer Sara Lee. 

"Ebola was originally a fraternity of young Sunni Muslim men interested in murdering Shia and any other Muslims who don't think like them," Ms. Leone said. "Like most young men they like raping, pillaging and killing infidels. They've become quite popular in this part of the world."

"I think they're all jacked up on sugar," said Sara Lee in her office in Downers Grove, IL.  "Giving young men guns but no ass is always a recipe for trouble and I should know, I'm Sara Lee."

President Obama threatened Ebola and any country that lends them aid to talk mean to them and even make scary faces. Republicans in Congress led by John McCain said that the administration was going too far and could make terrorists around the world feel insecure and unappreciated by the American people. 

"I just want the world to know that not everyone in our country feels so unneighborly toward Ebola and the other Muslim terror organizations," Senator McCain said on the floor of the International House of Pancakes on Pulaski Highway in Dundalk, Md. "Though I don't appreciate Ebola's fighters attacking our health care workers I will defend their right to their own opinions and hatreds."

"Senator McCain is being too white about this." said President Obama in response. "We haven't bombed Africa for months and as far as boots on the ground I have ordered the Air Force to drop combat boots along with bombs to end that controversy."

Senator McCain responded. "Africa is a continent of sandals and lighter footwear. The sudden introduction of heavy boots will traumatize civilians as well as terrorists. Our response not only violates international law but international fashion which rightly recognizes the legitimacy of fashion's seasons and regions."

Texas Tea Party Senator Cruz suggested we drop cowboy boots which are less threatening, more specifically American and more fashionable. President Obama invited Senator Cruz to ask Congress for the funds. 

"We don't have the thousands of pairs of cowboy boots the Pentagon and Fashion Institute of Technology agree will be needed to have an sufficient impact," Obama said. "And it will take time. Al Jazeera's prime time Fall Line up ratings could be in the toilet by then and the cornerstone of relations between ourselves and Israel is keeping up Al Jazeera's ratings."

The Republican Senators and the President were in full agreement about how to handle the ISIS virus crisis as it threatens the country's and world's health. "ISIS is a health issue and therefore in the realm of medicine and biology and not politics," McCain said.

Obama agreed. "Let the Surgeon General and Center for Disease Control and Prevention screw this one up and then we can point fingers- if any of us survive."

Don Arrup

Friday, October 10, 2014

October's Fugitives

Dear MM and VY,

Regarding the whereabouts of your husband, Meki M., and his lifelong friend and co-white supremacist survivalist conspiracy theory cabal and beer party "mate" (British non gay meaning but still British) the Sterling Avocado Apex Industrial Espionage and Domestic Detective Agency in lieu of wombat and betacorum suggests that the innocent rendezvous and reunion at Deep Bosom Lake is merely a cover for a conspiracy originally hatched in the dark dining room of Wha Me on Belair Road in Baltimore, Maryland in the mid Seventies and if successful will render the nation completely vulnerable to Ebola and Italian and Greek accounting practices.

The Department of Homeland Security has issued warrants for the immediate execution of one MM and MY on sight by any person or persons with identification papers proving they are an American. The Federal Bureau of Investigation claims that MM and MY are in reality the underground Bluegrass Hillbilly Terrorist Duo Fuzz and Paul. 

Counter Terrorist experts around the country and in Brussels and Israel are convinced that one Bruce S. was the charismatic leader of the "Northwood 5" but his unexpected passing threw the terror cell's plans off until they regrouped last summer with their international liaison, DJA (aka DJ Asshole), a bald waiter looming on the international territory of the United Nations in Manhattan.

The FBI, Homeland Security and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Flatulence are as we email tunneling under the DBL safe house of the NW5 hip hicksters. It is rumored that MY has MS (MicroSoft Mississippi middle school master of science) while MM suffers from MM (Micky, Minnie, Mighty Marilyn Mouse Monroe Complex). Their efforts to create their own strain of Ebola from stale Granola is well documented and the only reason they have not been executed to this date is the suspicion that they may have already passed portions of the nightmare cereal to their colleagues.

Agent X of the BATFF said that since the big takedown is planned for this weekend he finds it hard to believe that officials would chance allowing MY and MM to walk around freely considering what is in their heads. 

"As if it wasn't bad enough with them walking around with four years of University of Baltimore education."

Joe Friday
Senior Investigator
Sterling Avocado Apex Industrial Espionage and Domestic Detective Agency
Belvedere Gardens Shopping Center
5800 Hillen Rd (just around the corner from Family Dollar!)
Baltimore, Md
United States
Planet Earth
Milky Way
Known Universe

Don Arrup