President Obama addressed Congress on the State of the Union for the sixth time Tuesday night.
My fellow Americans,
The country is once again in a state of undeniable turmoil. The exceptional film Selma was not nominated for Academy Awards in directing, writing or acting. So Michelle and I invited the creator Ava DuVemay and David Oyelowo who sort of looks like Dr. King to the White House as a consolation prize.
As their limousine took them from the airport to the White House the driver thought he would swing our guests past some of the capital's sights including the Washington Monument. Mr. Oyelowo, a British citizen, thought the monument was a giant Klansman and forced the driver to smash the limo into the entrance of the obelisk. Fortunately, no one was hurt but Mr. Oyelowo was arrested for talking funny and overemphasizing his consonants. During his arraignment officers of the Metropolitan D.C. Police Department suspected Mr. Oyelowo of hiding an organ of generation in his trousers and restrained and de-pants him.
Prime Minister Cameron of the United Kingdom then exploited this misunderstanding to accuse its former colony and recent ally of impressing British actors to our shores in order to gain a competitive advantage in our entertainment industry and Public Television fund raising commercials. These accusations were made publicly on the floor of the Parliament where Mr. Cameron like all Members of Parliament enjoys immunity from Britain's strict defamation laws.
I have formally requested from Congress authorization to wage war against our former oppressor. Prime Minister Cameron's country has stolen our language, corrupted our community colleges, held down our minimum wage, scared us off from a single payer health care system, tried to ram a Canadian pipeline down our throats and flooded us with schmaltzy, sentimental soup operas that pass for intelligent programing.
Through bad example and propaganda Great Britain relentlessly attempts to distort us into its own image. Wall Street, despite near wrecking the entire world's economy just seven years ago, continues to press Congress to deregulate our markets into the lawless pirate island London has been for years. Our regressive tax policy assures today's top earners will become the new American aristocracy while the majority of Americans slide deeper into stagnant wage serfdom.
They even call soccer football! Have they no shame at all?
We can take these limeys. Our CIA has already aligned with several of the most powerful Irish and Scottish separatists and if we act now- we can turn this nagging mother country and her neighbors into the New Middle East.
Now, I know you're saying who needs a new Middle East? We do. We can't do anything about the old Middle East. Nobody can and no one ever could. The Greeks, the Romans, Turks and then the English. All any of them ever did was make it worse.
So you're sitting at home, Mr. and Mrs. America and you're asking yourselves,
what are you. Mr. President, going to do about the old Middle East? And I say this: We lied. We died. We tried. Now we are getting out of there.
My Republican colleagues will say that leaving the Middle East in the midst of sectarian strife and civil war is a mistake but when have we ever done anything in the Middle East that wasn't a mistake? The Camp David Accords? Maybe. And even if that wasn't a mistake then we used up the one exception.