Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Illegal Use of Zombies

New York University has admitted to employing the undead to construct its 600 million dollar campus in Mudpie. Complaints appeared in the New York Times as early as last year that NYU's labor standards were not being applied to all the living workers let alone the dead. The Mudpie real estate companies hired for the construction began using zombies almost immediately and mixing them in with workers from South Asia and Mars.

Living human workers protested outside of the American Embassy in Mudpie that they were being housed with zombies.

"Why do I have to share a bunk bed with a guy who has no head?" read one sign.

"You can't believe how disgusting it is to watch them eat," complained one woman from Vietnam. "If there aren't enough corpses served they start to eat each other."

"They shouldn't let zombies be welders. They never turn off the torch and just don't ask."

"I was told in Laos that I would be working for the Americans in Mudpie but even my foreman is a zombie. He can see if you're not working but he has no ears to hear complaints."

"They like zombies because they don't take coffee or bathroom breaks."

Both the State Department and the International AFL-CIO are reporting violations of International Treatises on worker rights and the employment of supernatural and extraterrestrial workers. 

"Providing health care to the undead can be tricky," said Surgeon General Murthy. "Doctors really aren't much use after people die. Morticians and dry wall installers have been having much better results with keeping the undead on the job."

President Obama weighed in on the issue:
"Our Constitution is silent on the issue of the rights of ghosts, phantasms and zombies. I think before we start condemning an institution of higher untaxed real estate we should conduct a thorough and politically corrupt investigation and then throw it in the laps of the Supreme Court. Then I'll feel free to criticize their findings while the media turns the whole issue into a bad TV movie."

Don Arrup

Monday, April 13, 2015

Obama Moves To Recognize Florida

After over a half century of diplomatic isolation, the State of Florida could be next in line after Cuba for formal diplomatic relations with the United States. The 27th state is populated by alligator wrestlers, retired New Yorkers, Cuban Exile Militias and overpaid sports stars. One of their U.S. Senators, Marco Rubio, is even running for president of this country on the premise that President Obama, a native of Japan's Hawaii, could sweep the Sunshine State into Washington's jurisdiction.

Currently controlled by the dictatorial Ghost of Walt Disney who speaks through an actor in a Mickey Mouse suit, GOD or Ghost of Disney as he is known has been consolidating power and turning back federal officials sent to investigate the Pain and Medicare Clinic empires that have enjoyed exponential growth under ObamaChaos.

Many native Floridians speak English or at least have been exposed to it and know our obscene hand gestures and tongue contortions. Some have even served in the United States military after their Exile Expeditionary Invasion Force duties were fulfilled. Florida participates in American sports on both the collegiate and professional level. Former Governor General Jeb Bush, both sired by and sibling to former U.S. presidents, is also considering a run for the Oval Office once he settles on what race he belongs to.

Florida exercises its own foreign policy being at war with Cuba and occasionally with the Democratic Party in close national elections but has no problem with Iran or Vladimir Putin. Since Wet T Shirt Contests and Tropical Cocktails comprise Florida's two major religions they have escaped sectarian violence and terrorism thus far. The Florida Unreal Estate Market is the longest running bubble in the history of bathing.

East and West Florida were along with what is now Canada and the Caribbean part of the 21 American British Colonies. The two colonies that would make up today's Florida were the only revolutionary refuseniks to later crawl into the Union. Before Pseudo Statehood Florida's Territorial Motto was "Give us land and kill the red man" but was changed during Florida's flirt with the Confederacy "Give us land and the black man."

Formal recognition would mean Florida would finally have to act like a real state and follow the foreign and drug policies of the 49 States and perhaps even listen to the dictates of the Federal Government at a time when few of its neighboring states are.

Don Arrup

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

April Fool 15 Says

The new Millennium is a teenager. Too bad adolescents can't be teenagers anymore. Generational burdens, their grandparents debt and social immobility make people between the ages of 13 and 19 middle aged kids.

Saudi Arabia and Egypt attack Yemen? Have things gotten so bad that Middle East countries are starting to look out for themselves?

Arkansas Governor asks legislature to amend The Right to Hate Religious Freedom Act stating that both the Pope and Billy Graham have warned him that God is gay.

The Feds can't raise interest rates anymore than I can raise the dead. So squirreling your money away in a mattress is no worse than putting it in a bank to watch it dissolve.

The People's Republic invades Taiwan, Japan, Indonesia, Singapore and Thailand. Obama threatens not to order Chinese take out.

Texas Tea Party favorite Senator Tom Cruz is a closet vegan.

Former Furher of Third Reich Adolf Hitler to host Argentine reality show Where Are My Socks?

Hard working, reasonably intelligent and passably honest human beings waste precious time and grey matter on shamefully underperforming attempts to make light of this godforsaken shit ocean we're all drowning in. Thank you, readers as Satire1 completes its seventh year.

Don Arrup

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Net And Yahoo

Satire1 secured an exclusive interview with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu just after his landslide election victory.

So, Prime Minister, are you standing by your claim that there will be no Palestinian state on your watch, reversing a reversal on the issue you made in a speech in 2009?

I haven't changed my policy. What has changed is the reality.

Like yesterday you needed the votes of the far right and today you don't?

Precisely. I want a sustainable, peaceful two state solution where all the Palestinians convert to Judaism.

Well, let's hold our breath. Yesterday you posted a video warning that foreign funding was bussing Arab Israeli voters to the polls in droves. Did you forget to post the video warning your fellow countrymen of the billions of dollars from both private and public sources in the United States that was bussing Jewish Israeli voters to the polls?

Yes, in my haste to save the Holy Land I must have forgotten that. 

Who were you afraid the Arab citizens would vote for? United Arab List-Ta'al or Balad?

I was afraid they would vote for Obama.

Don Arrup

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Irish ISIS Burns Down Europe

Thomas McFerley, the reincarnation of Saint Patrick under 5'10", has razed the British Isles and burned down half of Belgium and France on his way to take on "the capitalist hun" Merkel of Germany. Leading a rag tag population of at least two million, McFerley's Irish Socialist International Squatters have vowed to leave "no bank behind" in their wake of debt and destruction.

Borrowing without collateral from every lender and woman with a purse across Western Europe, the anti-capitalist crusade is leaving tabs at every pub, tavern, restaurant and brothel claiming each "citizen" of the Irish Spring is an autonomous state in the universal confederation of moochers.

"The illegitimate governments we've had up to today printed their own money. But we of the fantastic, free and unencumbered Irish Socialist International Squatters write our own IOUs which are not only more personal but can be cashed in for truly sincere apologies and heartfelt regrets," McFerley said.

"The financial systems as they were were totally rigged toward the rich. Only people with money could spend it which left most of us out in the cold. IOUs are so much more democratic and available to every literate citizen. We understand that this is a radical change from credit cards and cash and some businesses are not equipped to handle them so we've issued death warrants for noncompliance to sort of nudge things along."

Deadbeats and chronic debtors from every corner of Europe have swarmed to join the army of beggars who claim to be establishing Europe as an Anarchist Anarchate on the principles expounded by Alfred E. Neuman, editor in chief at Mad Magazine.

When approached by reporters at Mad's office at 1700 Broadway and asked if he feared his ideas would bring more destruction to Europe than the two world wars Neuman replied: 
"What, me worry?"

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

Don Arrup

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Nimoy To Address Congress From Grave

The spirit of Leonard Nimoy has been invited by House Speaker Boehner to address a joint session of Congress on the threat to the United Federation of Planets future posed by the Klingons and Romulans. Siting former President Reagan's push to prepare for future millennial conflicts, Boehner directed the House Way Outs and What Means Committee to subpoena Madam Bandana to conjure the spirit of the actor who played Science and First Officer Spock on the original Star Trek series.

Speaker Boehner believed that Nimoy, even though dead, would be the perfect prognosticator  for the long view of the future of the United States at this time since he was both Jewish and Ukrainian. 

Satire1 interviewed Senators and Congresspersons all who demanded anonymity:

"We can't do anything about Iran, North Korea, China or Russia. We have the biggest military in history and we can't do anything with it here. Let's kick Mars' ass."

"We can't wait for Obama to take the lead on these aliens. He won't close the border of our country and he's been leaving our sky as open as an Ivy League Coed's legs."

"I know the Klingons and Feds will eventually get along after we whip their butt."

"I'm glad that since the Speaker has decided to have open mike night here in Congress that we get some real crowd pleasers in here."

"My son got into that Vulcan vogue before college. I didn't mind the tattoos and drugs. I'm just glad he didn't get his ears elongated."

"Hey, this is the Capitol. We don't do logical here."

*The Leonard Nimoy Thalia Theatre shares the same street as the Mad Playwright.

Don Arrup

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Vaccinate Against Fear

The recent outbreak of measles in the United States points to a failure of both our national and local governments to educate parents as to the dangers both real and imagined regarding viruses, diseases and the process of vaccination.

The facts:
In 1914, France and England declared war on Germany and the Austrian-Hungarian Empire for promoting it's own version of the virus- the so called "German" measles (Rubella) which combines symptoms of both common measles (Rubeola) and the Mumps (Epidemic Parotitis). Kaiser Wilhelm reasoned that people of Germanic stock (Volk) were hardier and could get both common childhood afflictions over with at once and that the French were taking illegitimate credit for the "French" fry which everyone knew actually came out of Belgium. 

Four years and thirteen and half million bodies later the opposing nations peacefully decided to disagree and allowed viruses to cross borders so that children everywhere could enjoy nature's full bounty of pestilence. Ironically. in the midst of the Great War the Spanish Influenza killed twenty to fifty million- enough to excuse Spain from fighting in the next world war.

In the early 1960's scientists had developed an effective vaccine MMR which replaced the standard treatments of decapitation and body burning for measles and mumps. Within a decade the beheading of infected children around the world was replaced by two shots given in the first five years of life. The vaccine proved so effective that by the millennium any recent rise in childhood ailments was blamed on the MMR vaccine.

"Our children showed no signs of autism when the guillotine was the cure for mumps and measles. It stopped the spread dead and there were no side effects," said Medusa Robespierre of the Death To All Vaccinators Coalition. 

"I never liked chopping kids heads off but it sure beats the plagues of autism and attention deficit disorder we have today."

"If parents don't want their kids vaccinated then chop the kids heads off. The parents have lost their heads. Let the kids join them."

Don Arrup