Thursday, April 12, 2018

Give Me An A


As the West Virginia Senate held out against the public school teachers demands for a five percent raise, schools across the state had been closed for almost two weeks and public opinion was turning against the educators. It was looking like fourth down and long for the third lowest paid teachers in the country when the National Football League Baltimore Ravens Cheerleading Squad stormed the steps of the Capitol Building rallying the exhausted educators and turning the cameras and the nation’s attention back on.

Governor James C. Justice was caught off guard by the spirit squad especially since West Virginia doesn’t have an NFL team to cheer. “Doesn’t matter,” said Dipsey Noodle, head cheerleader and choreographer for the squad. “We go wherever our fans are.”

In the spring of 1954, the recently reincarnated Baltimore Colts formed a marching band along with baton twirlers and dancers that were effectively the original NFL cheerleading squad. This action was taken in response to the landmark Supreme Court decision Brown vs The Board of Education which was handed down that May. Drawing on the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment the decision ended enforced racial segregation of schools and collegiate athletic elitism.

The meteoric rise of college football in the 1920’s threatened America’s more democratic pastime, Baseball. Professional football teams and leagues were formed to represent blue collar towns and cities but they never had the glamor or tradition of the college game. So in the fall of 54, with the United States now threatening their citizenry with universal education the need for violent gladiatorial contests coupled with thigh wide gyrations were needed on both Saturdays and Sundays to get America through its now pedagogical autumns. 

The country’s two largest teachers unions, National Education Association (Ned Ass) and The American Federation of Teachers (Whup Ass), recognizing that cheerleaders were basically doing the same job and working toward the same goal formed a discrete alliance with professional football spirit squads. 

Though the two professions have secretly worked in tandem to educate and pacify the masses for more than fifty years it was not until the West Virginia Teachers Strike that anyone realized the power of the Cheerteacher Alliance. With teachers and cheerleaders across the nation enduring substandard and often dangerous situations in their workplaces, forced to provide their own materials and uniforms and often treated with disrespect by those they serve the “wildfire” that some politicians have declared is sweeping the south and west is unlikely to be put out anytime soon. 

Satire 1 alone has pointed out that the only factor all the states with teachers in rebellion share besides low pay, under funded schools and raids on their pensions is the absence of NFL representation. Though Arizona has the NFL Cardinals it has not been apart of the United States since its absorption into Greater Northern Mexico twenty years ago.

Kentucky and Oklahoma have turned down NFL expansion teams for years for fear of radicalizing their teachers. Both states figure huge in college basketball and football but student cheer squads tend to be more gymnastic than Vegas and have a balance of men and women. Only the heroic Baltimore Ravens squad reflects the collegiate ideal. Presidents Eisenhower (West Point), Reagan (Eureka), FDR (Harvard) and both Bushes (Yale) were cheerleaders. None wore go-go boots.

As the teachers unions press state legislatures for higher pay and benefits rumblings through the hall of academia are mostly over the near serfdom suffered by the all women spirit squads of the NFL. Minimum wage for games, no pay for constant rehearsing, Aunt Asshole rules controlling the cheerleaders behavior on and off the field. One rulebook even instructing shaving techniques and the preferred usage of tampons.

When First Lady Melania Trump heard that the cheerleaders for most teams had to immerse themselves into the tailgates and stands to sell raffle tickets and calendars and take pictures with drunken fans she asked Donald to get legislation passed so that both cheerleaders and teachers could carry guns. Where most teachers cry out “there ain’t no cannon big enough” to protect them from students a number of cheerleaders have expressed interest in Uzis and other manageable machine pistols. 

The super secret mystery chat site of the Cheerteachers movement is said to be Pom-Poms and Pencils featuring debates on federal grants for superior scholastic weaponry and allowances for ammunition. Many cheerleaders and teachers also want the right to act like sluts even when they’re not in schools and stadiums.

“We won’t be satisfied until Debbie does Dallas, Charleston, Louisville and Oklahoma City,” said Our Miss Brooks.  

“Little does the public appreciate what it takes to perform in front of a group, using every tool at your disposal to focus their attention, whip up their enthusiasm, take them step by step, yard by yard as they tackle their assignments, move their projects down the field, through their doubts and fears through distractions and confusions to rally them again and keep them in the game until they reach their goal. Give me an L! Give me an E! Give me an A, R, N, I-N-G!”

“What’s that spell?”

Democracy

Don Arrup
Satire1







Wednesday, March 21, 2018

I Don't Want To Grow Up


Geoffrey the Giraffe, mascot of the late twentieth century retail behemoth Toys R Us, was dragged down a back alley near Wall Street in 2005 by Bain Capital,  KKR and Vornado Realty Trust and stripped of his solvency by a form of financial rape called a leveraged buyout. This form of vampire capitalism rose in the 1980’s where buyout bats buy a controlling portion of a company’s shares with borrowed funds using the company they are acquiring as the collateral and straddling it with the debt. 

Not all leveraged buyouts are hostile takeovers and some restructure and save brands that were falling behind the times as Toy R Us was to Walmart but often these “investors” act more like buzzards paying themselves huge salaries and fees while selling off assets, killing jobs, screwing smaller shareholders and leaving behind an empty shell. What Wolf Bain and its partners originally intended is outside our knowledge but many point to the two small wounds on the giraffe’s neck.

Satire1 takes to the corner of 14th Street and Oblivion in our nation’s capital where Toys R Us began in 1948 as Children’s Bargain Town to harvest the views of those of a tender age and the overcooked.

Gen Xer
“My parents took me to a store once. I can’t remember what kind of store it was. Maybe books but it had a cafe and people were looking at magazines instead of their phones. Creepy.”

Actress Xer
“Donald took me to FAO Schwartz across from the Plaza one Christmas when one of his wives was knocked up. I looked for the giraffe but a clerk told me Geoffrey worked at Times Square.”

Woman with big hat
“I only buy my children sex toys. They teach the kids self esteem and that growing up isn’t the end of the world. Even though it is.”

 Four year old girl with dolly
“Geoffrey and his herd were a stampede on local Mom and Pops from the fifties through the nineties but TRU also supported local small manufactures and were distribution centers for Toys for Tots and other charitable organizations. But have you ever smelled giraffe poop?”

Three year old boy in spacesuit
“Their website wasn’t customer friendly and when the deal with Amazon fell through they were up the Amazon without a paddle.”

Cop on the beat
“Giraffe poop smells like my dog Rocky’s when we feed him tacos.”

National Archives Beatnik
“Internet, cheaper, delivered, click. Or, a little girl stands in front of that gigantic stack of dollies staring blankly through the hard cellophane. Her adoring public. You can just click but you can’t give her the experience of going into the sea of dolls at Toys R Us and coming out with the special one she found herself.”

Ham Sandwich
“More money was spent on pads and phones for eight year olds than for toys last Christmas. The screens own them before they hit double digits.”   

Redskins fan
“I don’t want to grow up.”

Senator Rick Slick of West Dakota
“I don’t want to grow up.”

Mean Teen Queen
“Who grows up?”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

The Art of the Steal


Despite their best technical efforts neither The People’s Republic of China nor The Glorious Kingdom of North Korea has been able to get Satire1 off their party line. 

Kimmie
Hello? My secretary told me this is an official call from President Xi Jing Pingpong of China. 

Pingpong
Kimmie, baby, what’s the countdown in special K?

Kimmie
The fireworks did their job. Now it’s time to mix messages. Even louder bang.

Pingpong
You mean the olive branch you shoved up Donald’s ass?

Kimmie
Negotiation is penetration. Just like you taught me.

Pingpong
Donny’s a total bizbot. He drops everything and his pants if he smells a deal.

Kimmie
I’m thinking of leaking to the Japanese your suggestion.

Pingpong
Let him put up a couple of hotels on your side of the rock?

Kimmie
My big hats agree with you. Donald would never bomb anyplace where he has holdings.

Pingpong
Bombing is bad for business. 

Kimmie
We don’t have very many good locations to offer so I was thinking maybe one in our capital and another in the north. 

Pingpong
How about one along the Yangtze River. A little cover for the Mandarins who gave you the idea.

Kimmie
Don’t worry about that, Pingpong. We’ve already built the models for a Trump Yangtze.

Pingpong
He’ s going to want to build a golf course.

Kimmie
I don’t know, Pingpong. Golfers dress funny.

Pingpong
It’s the pants. They’re counter revolutionary.

Kimmie
The shoes are worse.

Pingpong
I can’t talk golf shoes with you on an unsecured line.

Kimmie
My bad. Hey, I heard you were setting yourself up a tenure like mine. 

Pingpong
Yeah, Emperor Xi, but it means I have to live with the consequences of whatever I do.

Kimmie
Not like American presidents who just kick grandma down the road if her teeth look bad.

Pingpong
That’s how your family whipped the Americans. 

Kimmie
Whoever the clown is we just lie until they fly.

Pingpong
Your ear.

Kimmie
Your’s.

Pingpong
You can be as ridiculous as you want with Trump if it’s just life and death but if you start to cut a business deal with him then we’re talking money.

Kimmie
Yeah, Donny can see opportunity even in Armageddon but you just pinch his bottom line and he won’t sit down for it.

Don Arrup
Satire1










Thursday, March 1, 2018

Greenhouse Asses


Environmental scientists estimate that a little under one fifth of greenhouse gases are animal produced methane. The world’s exploding population has an even more exploding appetite for meat which has increased cattle populations by more than Mickey Mouse. Some recent studies suggest that a steer’s methane is more burped than farted but as anyone with a nose can tell you this theory just doesn’t smell right. 

Some biologists estimate that with their current numbers and the way domesticated cattle are fed and their lay about, fatten up lifestyle that they could be producing near the same amount of methane today then all the animals that have roamed the earth previously combined. 

This sounds about right to anyone exposed to a domesticated husband who in the course of a few hours each evening can turn any living room into a World War One trench horror. Given the commonality of this scourge many researches are only beginning to look into not only machine manufactured gases but human biologically manufactured gases as well. 

Satire1 goes to the hallowed halls of Harvard Community College in Stafford, Texas to speak to the nation’s future elite in the eating of meat. 

Freshman Jack Ham
“My mother won’t let one of my uncles in the house anymore. He cut a fart so bad on her couch that even the dump wouldn’t take it.”

Administrative Assistant Gia Beehive
“My husband’s friends are all welcome anytime the Dallas Cowboys are playing because we can set up the TV on our deck. But between what their beer and nachos and jerky produces that’s it for our lawn till next spring.”

Senior Jeff Vegetable
“My dad barbecues everything on his nights to cook- even the salad. I try not to eat too much meat because I think it’s bad for post secondary education but I don’t want to reject him either. So I eat it all and the rest of the night I feel like I’m sitting on a balloon.”

Continuing Student Dale Whale
“I eat too much. And I fart a lot. But nobody looks at my up side. A fly in July won’t survive an hour in my house and if I’m over your house for even just lunch you can throw your roach spray away.

Don Arrup
Satire1


Sunday, February 25, 2018

All Of High School Is A Stage


Recent accusations on the internet and social media suggested that some of the Stony Douglas High School protestors are paid actors. An army of top notch investigative reporters, some who had actually attended high school, working furiously from their basements and attics in the remote western plains have uncovered proof that all of the so called “student” protestors were being wholly supported by their hysterically bereaved liberal parents.

“You can call it an allowance, use of the car, room and board but all of these actors are being supported- in effect paid- by their progenitors to perform like circus monkeys in front of our incorruptible, selfless legislators,” said Harmon Charmin of the Evidence is for Pussies news blog. 

“The only thing anyone learns in high school is how to get laid or that you are never going to get laid,” expounded chef Priscilla Popeye on her cable access cooking show, If You Can’t Shoot It, Don’t Eat It. 

“This fantasy people entertain that teenagers are somehow capable of rational thought is a kind of necessary fiction in order to have teen shows and movies but just talk to a teen- if you can pry their eyes off their phone for a minute- I think you’ll find that they can navigate the whole world wide web better than they can find the bathrooms in their own homes.”

“All this talk about how dangerous guns are overlooks their very real healthy side,” said Cyrus Mumphs, promoter of gun shows across the southeast. “Every gun sold at our shows is totally organic, has no chemical additives, are GMO and Gluten Free and was manufactured without cruelty to animals. But I’m not saying animals are going to like what customers do with the guns they buy from us.”

“Adolescence is a time of life when young people are trying to forge an identity for themselves. All this technology, the crushing costs of higher education, slim prospects for future employment and the mountainous mortgage we’ve dumped on them raises only one question,” posed teen psychologist Libia Schlobhobknockers. “When are these sick boys going to wise up and start shooting their elected officials?”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Texas Chainsaw Love Story


Media favorite and heir to Verona’s second biggest family fortune Romeo Montague was arrested by the Veronese Prince’s men (VPM) last night for stalking the youngest daughter of rival dynasty Capulets. After breaking and entering the Capulet courtyard, Romeo proved to be a Peeping Tom on the nightie clad barely pubic Juliet as she was at her balcony talking to the inconstant Moon. 

More serious charges were dropped when the Prince discovered that Romeo had just become eligible to get his learner’s permit. He was severely reprimanded for pouncing on thus far undated too Deb to bed pre-Debutante JC right after being rejected by the town floozie Rosaline. 

Juliet’s cousin and gang banger bad ass Tybalt swore that if Romeo was not charged with attempted pedophilia he would take matters into his own hands.

*

Paris’ Top Pop Rapper Cyrano DB has been accused of ghosting for buddy Christian tweets to the celebrated beauty Roxanne. As famous for his proboscis as his poetry, Sky Cy B is also Cardinal Richelieu’s best sword and unlikely to be accused to his schnoz of fake news. 

*

Playboy pool bum Narcissus filed a complaint of sexual harassment against himself in the Los Angeles County Court yesterday. Only the four hundred and twenty second such lawsuit of its kind in LA since the early 1980’s, legal experts hope to use the case to clearly define leering and obscene gestures as harassment for a future federal case. 

Harry Preener, the Dean of UC Berkley’s Law School, said “We used to prosecute masturbation as self abuse and attempted genital strangulation but that was overreach. With the new Zero Tolerance policy on harassment we’re not letting these bullies and brutes push around anyone-including themselves.” 

Don Arrup
Satire1 

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Haircut


Trump on the blower

I don’t want the Secretary of the Interior. My bowels are moving fine. Regular as rain. I want the Secretary of the Exterior...

What do you mean there’s no Secretary of the Exterior?

 How can you have a Secretary of the Interior if you don’t have one for the Exterior?

The Secretary of State? Does the ex-Exxon Don cut hair?

Does Rex T cut hair?

I need a haircut and the CIA Chief just explained to me that the White House barber is not Italian.

Yes, he has got to be Italian.

His first name’s Luigi and even he couldn’t pronounce his last name. What was I to think?

It had lots of vowels.

Slapbackastan? Callacabull? I don’t know. Not Italy.

No, no Greeks.

I would consider a woman for the position.

The First Lady makes that call.

If I run again I’m keeping Pence but Ivanka and Medusa are history.

You heard correctly. Michelle might come back. Misses the stationary.

I could marry Hillary and have her cover State and First Bird.

What Bill? Since he gave up the Big Macs and nookie he looks like something scarecrows insult each other with.

No, I didn’t know that.

You’re right. You never see a bunch of scarecrows talking together except in the Senate.

No, no, I know. Farm scarecrows might not talk like you and I but they do communicate.

Morse code with their arms. Like sailors with their flags.

Nobody talks to each other in the Senate anymore anyway.

Enough about the team that’s going to be running this country. Who’s cutting my hair?

No, no Greeks. Half of them live on islands.

Does the stars when they’re in New York?

I would prefer a Hollywood stylist.

No Greeks.

If there’s a pop or an is in their name that’s Greek to me.

Who does Wolverine’s hair?

I want him.

Not for First Lady.

I thought he just combed and brushed. I didn’t know he cuts.

What appointment? He lives here on call.

Needs two neck brooms. Three! One for me and the other for everybody else.

And another for me.

The chef is Greek!

The White House chef?

We need a McDonald’s in the White House. The tourists and your president demand a McDonald’s.

Who cuts Bubba’s hair? He’s going to need a job.


Bill’s going to be Second Bitch when I marry Hill for my second term.

It’s not bigamy. It’s politics.

The guy who used to do Elvis’ hair- did he have any kids?

Don Arrup
Satire1