Thursday, March 23, 2017

I Bugged Trump Tower

I, Don Arrup, placed a “thimble pinch” bugging devise purchased decades earlier at the Spy Shop on First Avenue across from the United Nations where I was a waiter to bug my roommate and former girlfriend Donna W---. Fortunately, I came to my senses before installation and decided to save it in case a TV star billionaire took over the country in the next millennium. 

Watching Donald T rise like a boil out of the pack of Republican presidential candidates called me to action. I contacted the catering director at Trump Tower who I had worked with at the UN years before and asked to be put their on call list for executive room service. 

For months they had no need for a fill in until a heavy snowfall on March 10 of the election year shut down the MTA and I was called as the closest on the list to Trump Towers. Super Tuesday and the New York State primaries were still ahead but I sensed that Donald Towers was unstoppable.

After walking forty blocks through heavy un-shoveled snow I reported in to a closet office in the back of the kitchen on the Grand Ballroom Annex level. My UN alum shook my hand and fit me for a short waisted, chain button, extreme peaked lapeled, coffee and cream colored jack and bow tie.

There were fourteen lunch requests and six rum runs which I caught up with just before three. Then the call came. I was stacking plate covers for the dinner round when I heard the service phone ring and I knew from the first chime it was Donald.

A ham and ham sandwich on toasted Christian rye, white mustard, mayo aioli mommy and horseradish cream. In the Midtown delis the combo had for two decades been known as a “Realtor’s blowjob” regular Coke, Mesquite Barbecue Dirty Chips and double dill pickle quartered length wise.

I jotted the initials DT slash RBJ on the order and nothing else. In six minutes the Chef, Executive Chef, Kitchen Manager, Floor Manager, Head of Security and Secret Service were bent over my cart. Go time. Elevator waiting we rolled top floor. I had to make a quick calculation. This was a simple drop off lunch. There was no need for me to stay and serve the sandwich and pour the Coke so Donald would probably wave me off. 

I figured I could probably just go immediately to checking his Coke bar. Donald famously doesn’t drink alcohol. Just check up on his sodas, waters and snacks. I had the thimble pinch in my right pants pocket, I could only hope he had his refreshments near a phone. 

I had been practicing taking the bottoms off of phones at my other catering gigs. Security took my Leatherman when I entered the building. I was down to a wine key, my apartment key and pen. I held the thimble pinch in a little marijuana dime bag in my mouth until I got to the kitchen. I had considered holding it in the other end. 

Big D was on the phone when I entered. The service elevator opens a little to the right of the huge doors his secretary lets guests and clients through so I rolled right into the liar. Without ever turning to me the boss waved me over to his table. He was turned in his chair looking out the window and placating a client or official. I placed the lunch plate and Coke behind him and was looking for his dry bar and other phone. Just as I saw it was just to the right of the service elevator I came through Donald turned to me and asked if I could stay a minute. 

I nodded affirmative.

He was mostly listening. Like all really powerful people he is a good listener. When he finally signed off he turned and apologized and asked if I minded his asking me a few personal questions.

Again, I nodded in the affirmative. 

He asked me if I was a registered voter but not who I was voting for. He wanted to know if I had ever waited on the other Republican candidates. I named four of his rivals. What did I think of Ted Cruz’s haircut? I thought the Texas Jellyroll suited the shape of his face. Were Jeb Bush’s hands smaller than his? Yes, and noticeably so even from across a room. Did Marco Rubio wear shoes at formal dinners? Never, black Cuban slippers with a wingtip design in silver. 

Then he wanted to know about Hillary. He didn’t ask if I had waited on her or knew her. Every cater waiter in New York knew their former senator. What did I think of her do? An insult to scissors and peroxide. Pants suits? Worse than Merkel’s if that was possible. Handling of the Middle East crises? She screwed it up about the same as everyone else who goes there.

Finally, he got to Bernie and asked if he sounded too much like him. Bernie is selling ice cream to kids while you’re selling yesterday to people who don’t have a future. He liked that answer. He said the past is the great untapped resource in American politics and that only Reagan and himself understood that.

He asked me if there was anything I could do for him and I told him that I had a problem making out what he ordered and since he has such a clear and articulate voice it must be the service phone and would he mind if I took a look at it. He said certainly and turned back to the widow and picked up his outside line and asked his secretary to get him the mayor. 

I was able to place the devise quickly under the plastic molding after attaching the wires. Though I rarely listened to the intercepts after the first month since I don’t speak Russian or Farsi and stopped recording after the CIA was bought out by People’s Republic of China, I will, on occasion, open the line in the background for my friends to enjoy at lunch time. No one orders sandwiches for his guests like Donald.

Don Arrup
Satire1 

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Trump Pledges To Liberate Sweden

In last night’s Address to a Joint Session of Congress, President Trump promised the besieged state of Sweden that the United States military would drive out the godless blue eyed Muslim Mexicans who have invaded and conquered the Scandinavian stronghold. 

Referring to the enemy as the M&Ms, Trump recounted a war of infiltration, penetration, subterfuge and peroxide as bleached blond devils used fake passports and sing song accents to smuggle stolen American companies like IKEA, Solvatten, Saab and Volvo into Sweden so that they might grow like a cancer into their economy. The infiltration was so successful that many younger Swedes actually think of them as Swedish companies.

“I’ve spoken to the president of Muslimico and told him in no uncertain terms that I will direct the greatest military the world has ever seen in primetime to the fjords and saunas of Sweden where our Admirals and Generals have orders from their president to kill any blond under 5’6” who answers to como estas jihad.”

When asked by numerous reporters why there were so many blonds in Sweden to begin with the president replied: “Everybody wants to look like me. It’s a burden I’ve lived with since I blossomed into the world’s most handsome man.”

When his handpicked press pool asked for the Pentagon’s reaction to his pledge, Trump waxed philosophical. “Nobody hates war more than generals. They brought up a number of concerns- some of them legitimate- we like hot climates, we’ll have to change our pants, oranges cost five bucks there, the girls whack men off with golf clubs. The usual bellyache. So I told the generals that it was Sweden or Canada but we’re going to have it out with the M&Ms somewhere before Sweeps Week in May.” 

When asked about the cost, President Trump was quick to fire back. “I’m sending the whole bill to Brussels. The EU- yes, you! is picking up this tab. We’ll take the risks, shed the blood but the European Union for once is going to pay to preserve our precious freedom, sweat rooms and white meatballs.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Poli-Oscar

As the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences begins recounts for over twelve of their coveted golden bald men awards named after a puppet who lives in a trashcan on Sesame Street, Satire1 has procured the list of secret Oscars distributed during commercials to the real actors in the real shows of 2016.

Best Comedy
2016 United States Presidential Elections

Best Actor in a Farce 
Donald Trump

Best Actor in a Crime Drama
Hillary Clinton

Best Clown in a Liberal Comedy
Bernie Sanders

Best Clown in a Conservative Comedy
Ted Cruz

Most Hysterical over Election Results
New York Times

Best Documentary Based on Alternate Facts
Fox News coverage of new Administration’s first month

Best Original Story
Donald Trump “Midnight in American”

Best Original Song
Hillary Clinton “It’s My Party and I’ll Run If I Want To”

Best Makeup
Donald Trump’s Florida Orange skin and blond Flippity Do Da 

Worst Costume
Hillary Clinton’s Snow Cone colored pants suits

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Pubic Television

As the Grand Old Party is once again licking it chops over the defunding of NEA (Nepotism Endowment of the Arts) and PBS (Public Bullshit System) Channel 13 here in New Jersey/York and WNEA in Beantown are putting themselves through a furious make over to draw more viewers and donations. 

Satire1 secured a list of what were Public Television’s top rated shows and how they’ll be reworked before spring.

Antique Road Show will become Antique Road Whoe
Join Sassy and Pussi as they travel to our country’s longest active whoe walks from San Fransisco’s Tenderloin District to Baltimore’s Block. Interviews with streetwalkers and fur capped pimps mixed with reviews of local cuisine offered at back wagon restaurants and hot dog stands on the strips.

And to get the inside scoop watch as This Old House morphs into This Whore House where Bertha and Mooshie give tours of the country’s grandest and longest established brothels. Tips from experts in every perversion make TWH the must watch compliment to ARW for those who think fun!

For top notch investigative journalism you can’t beat Frontline as it goes undercover under the covers in Downline. You won’t have to wait for impeachment trials or Senate investigations as top reporters get the low down on who’s going down on who in D.C. 

Washington Week in Review will become Washington Week Confidential as the panel of clueless columnists and reporters are replaced with real deal sharing Madams and blackmailing ex-staff members filling in the blanks between Downline’s historic revelations. 

For the kiddies Sesame Street turns the corner to Sexame Street
Big Bird retires and is replaced by Big Boobs, a yellow haired Puerto Rican Stripper and her lovely friends the Nookie Monster and Oscar who always has his face buried in someone.

The whole family can enjoy when Nature becomes Raw Nature which puts a little more emphasis on the reproductive activities of animals and some of the unique relationships they can develop with lonely farmers and zoologists. 

Military and history buffs will be thrilled when Secrets of the Dead matures into Sex Secrets of the Dead taking us under the uniforms of famous generals and dictators while the new American Sexperience does the same with our past leaders, inventors and captains of industry.

No Sunday night would be complete without Masterpiece Porno which moves from the stuffy 19th century centric of the BBC to Danish Television’s naughty network hits. For America’s own catch updated Great Performances X featuring the most endowed and flexible copulatory artistes from the 50 states.

Just as you enjoyed the stories of the writers, musicians and visual and performing artists on American Masters who brought so much pleasure to all the world, you’ll enjoy American Masturbators who brought so much pleasure to themselves. 

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Only the Lonely

As it is once again rub loneliness in the face of the unattached day, Satire1 celebrates the misery of the rejected and overlooked with a review of the latest and most honest dating apps that have digitally replaced chance, romance, concerned friends and springtime nights. So for you readers who are (un)happily configured a look at the current madness that replaced the familiar madness and for you, like I, adrift alone in the sea of love push up your bras, sew that roll of quarters into your pants pocket and brave the new world.

XRITENOW.COM
Fastest growing dating app known for asking only two questions in its profile: where and how soon you can get there. Recommended for singles new to the dating app scene as it dispenses with the awkward vertical aspect of courtship.

SPANKER.EDU
Collegiate service that connects local campus dorms in a Saturday night love lottery, Friday night   pot luck hookup and Thursday night shit face. Started up by two sophomores at MIT who couldn’t quite get the hang of masturbation.

THATSNOTASALUTEBUTILIKEIT.COM
Offers military personnel safe havens where they can cross ranks for hand to hand close quarters orifice invasions and delayed defenses. Popular with the overseas deployed and the stateside encamped.

CELLMATES.COM
Allows inmates in the same big house to secure rendezvouses in cafeteria and shower corners in off hours for picking at the lock your mama gave you.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Liberal Concerns

Satire1 spent the weekend talking to marching women, prancing men and sugar drunk children about what might concern them about the new Administration. 

“The first executive order Trump signed allows the federal government to enslave any non-citizen while the IRS is intercepting remittances and redirecting the funds to the South Border wall to be built by the newly enslaved.”

“Trump wears low rise bell bottomed jeans when he’s alone with family in his tower.”

“The new president is brokering a grand bargain in the North Carolina trans bathroom rights controversy. Complete equality. Nobody goes to the bathroom.”

“He’s selling ad space on the newly minted twenties and petitioning corporations to fund a boob job for the Statue of Liberty so it looks more like First Trophy Melania.”

“Trump’s re-brainwashing Obama’s secret Muslim Army into peroxide patrols that hunt down immigrants and model bashers. Landlords will soon replace mayors and county execs while the banks take over the states. The plan’s called Trumpification.”

“After Putin moves into the United Nations headquarters from where he will run the United States and Europe, he will direct the Trump and Judy Show at Rockefeller Center which promises to be the biggest hit since Howdy Doody.”

“Second Amendment protections will be extended to armored vehicles, tanks and nuclear weapons. Nukes will require a background check with waits as long as two hours depending on the credit agency.”

“Many of the heads of state and other foreign dignitaries who attended the inaugeration complained that Trump greeted them only with a handshake instead of the crotch grab he gives to those he really likes.”

“Trump has already referred to America’s children as our most precious resource and now he’s moving to nationalize the wombs and vaginas of our citizens through a repeal of Roe vs Wade.”

“Trump said the best way to curb corruption is to raise the price to where only those who already own the whole world can afford it.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Trump's Original Short List

Satire1 once again scoops big media in obtaining now President Donald Trump’s original short list for his cabinet and national security appointments before the RNC bigwigs spanked him up.

Secretary, Director or Administrator of

Labor
Simon Legree, northern who moved to rural Louisiana to improve race and labor relations on plantations. Good friend of Representative Uncle Tom.

Environmental Protection Agency
Godzilla, native of the Sea of Japan originally made headlines protesting nuclear power and weapons. A bit hard on cities but will fight valiantly against Big Oil, Big Chemical, Monsanto and Mothra.

Attorney General
Perry Mason, a Los Angeles defense attorney renown for getting murderers off, particularly well endowed widows and molls.

Treasury
Ebenezer Scrooge, British, inherited partner Jacob Marely’s half of London’s premier investment bank. Rumors he is haunted by his past, present and future indiscretions.

Education
Jethro Bodine, nephew of Ozark oil tycoon Jed Clampett, jet set hillbilly and international entrepreneur rube. Loves “book learn’n.”

White House Chief of Staff
Cosmo Kramer, trend setting hipster doofus and unemployed man of a thousand talents. Instrumental in keeping sanity out of comedian Jerry Seinfeld’s life. Can get crazy with the N word.

Project Engineer of South Border Wall
Fred Flintstone, CEO Yabba Dabba Do Construction. Had hand in Stonehenge and Pyramids. Known for very individual style of business attire. Will need to wear pants. 

Veteran’s Affairs
G.I. Joe, veteran action figure from early Vietnam era thru current wars on terror. Has served in every branch of service including Coast Guard. Taciturn, stiff but never blinks in the face of adversity. Not expected to do well at hearing.

Energy
Rip Van Winkle, Upper State New York. Will need to be up on latest technology and challenges. Rumored to be twenty years behind the times.

Housing and Urban Development
Big Bad Wolf, infamous New York slum lord who treats his tenants like pigs. Like Trump, BBW huffs and puffs but rarely blows anything solid down.

Agriculture
Jolly Green Giant, frozen and canned vegetable pioneer. Former basketball star at WhatsAMatta U and in decades long litigation with Santa Claus over trademark Ho Ho Ho. Will also need to wear pants.

Health and Human Services
Dr. Victor Frankenstein, native of Germany known for innovations in transplant surgery and whose laboratory was first to employ hunchbacks, grave robbers and other minorities.

National Security Advisor
Henny Penny aka Chicken Little predicted the 9/11 attack early on the morning of the disaster. Says the sky is falling everyday but Turkey Lurkey and  Goosey Loosey swear Henny was especially emphatic the morning of the terrorist attack. 

State
Hillary Clinton. Hey, she needs a job.

Defense
Benedict Arnold, founding deadbeat father. Commanded West Point Fort before cutting a deal with corporate raider redcoats. Took his taxes overseas. Must be made to understand britches are not real pants.

Homeland Security
Captain America, patriot, super hero. Iconic shield ineffective against lawyers, hackers and microbes. 

Don Arrup
Satire1