Thursday, March 19, 2015

Net And Yahoo

Satire1 secured an exclusive interview with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu just after his landslide election victory.

So, Prime Minister, are you standing by your claim that there will be no Palestinian state on your watch, reversing a reversal on the issue you made in a speech in 2009?

I haven't changed my policy. What has changed is the reality.

Like yesterday you needed the votes of the far right and today you don't?

Precisely. I want a sustainable, peaceful two state solution where all the Palestinians convert to Judaism.

Well, let's hold our breath. Yesterday you posted a video warning that foreign funding was bussing Arab Israeli voters to the polls in droves. Did you forget to post the video warning your fellow countrymen of the billions of dollars from both private and public sources in the United States that was bussing Jewish Israeli voters to the polls?

Yes, in my haste to save the Holy Land I must have forgotten that. 

Who were you afraid the Arab citizens would vote for? United Arab List-Ta'al or Balad?

I was afraid they would vote for Obama.

Don Arrup

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Irish ISIS Burns Down Europe

Thomas McFerley, the reincarnation of Saint Patrick under 5'10", has razed the British Isles and burned down half of Belgium and France on his way to take on "the capitalist hun" Merkel of Germany. Leading a rag tag population of at least two million, McFerley's Irish Socialist International Squatters have vowed to leave "no bank behind" in their wake of debt and destruction.

Borrowing without collateral from every lender and woman with a purse across Western Europe, the anti-capitalist crusade is leaving tabs at every pub, tavern, restaurant and brothel claiming each "citizen" of the Irish Spring is an autonomous state in the universal confederation of moochers.

"The illegitimate governments we've had up to today printed their own money. But we of the fantastic, free and unencumbered Irish Socialist International Squatters write our own IOUs which are not only more personal but can be cashed in for truly sincere apologies and heartfelt regrets," McFerley said.

"The financial systems as they were were totally rigged toward the rich. Only people with money could spend it which left most of us out in the cold. IOUs are so much more democratic and available to every literate citizen. We understand that this is a radical change from credit cards and cash and some businesses are not equipped to handle them so we've issued death warrants for noncompliance to sort of nudge things along."

Deadbeats and chronic debtors from every corner of Europe have swarmed to join the army of beggars who claim to be establishing Europe as an Anarchist Anarchate on the principles expounded by Alfred E. Neuman, editor in chief at Mad Magazine.

When approached by reporters at Mad's office at 1700 Broadway and asked if he feared his ideas would bring more destruction to Europe than the two world wars Neuman replied: 
"What, me worry?"

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

Don Arrup

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Nimoy To Address Congress From Grave

The spirit of Leonard Nimoy has been invited by House Speaker Boehner to address a joint session of Congress on the threat to the United Federation of Planets future posed by the Klingons and Romulans. Siting former President Reagan's push to prepare for future millennial conflicts, Boehner directed the House Way Outs and What Means Committee to subpoena Madam Bandana to conjure the spirit of the actor who played Science and First Officer Spock on the original Star Trek series.

Speaker Boehner believed that Nimoy, even though dead, would be the perfect prognosticator  for the long view of the future of the United States at this time since he was both Jewish and Ukrainian. 

Satire1 interviewed Senators and Congresspersons all who demanded anonymity:

"We can't do anything about Iran, North Korea, China or Russia. We have the biggest military in history and we can't do anything with it here. Let's kick Mars' ass."

"We can't wait for Obama to take the lead on these aliens. He won't close the border of our country and he's been leaving our sky as open as an Ivy League Coed's legs."

"I know the Klingons and Feds will eventually get along after we whip their butt."

"I'm glad that since the Speaker has decided to have open mike night here in Congress that we get some real crowd pleasers in here."

"My son got into that Vulcan vogue before college. I didn't mind the tattoos and drugs. I'm just glad he didn't get his ears elongated."

"Hey, this is the Capitol. We don't do logical here."

*The Leonard Nimoy Thalia Theatre shares the same street as the Mad Playwright.

Don Arrup

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Vaccinate Against Fear

The recent outbreak of measles in the United States points to a failure of both our national and local governments to educate parents as to the dangers both real and imagined regarding viruses, diseases and the process of vaccination.

The facts:
In 1914, France and England declared war on Germany and the Austrian-Hungarian Empire for promoting it's own version of the virus- the so called "German" measles (Rubella) which combines symptoms of both common measles (Rubeola) and the Mumps (Epidemic Parotitis). Kaiser Wilhelm reasoned that people of Germanic stock (Volk) were hardier and could get both common childhood afflictions over with at once and that the French were taking illegitimate credit for the "French" fry which everyone knew actually came out of Belgium. 

Four years and thirteen and half million bodies later the opposing nations peacefully decided to disagree and allowed viruses to cross borders so that children everywhere could enjoy nature's full bounty of pestilence. Ironically. in the midst of the Great War the Spanish Influenza killed twenty to fifty million- enough to excuse Spain from fighting in the next world war.

In the early 1960's scientists had developed an effective vaccine MMR which replaced the standard treatments of decapitation and body burning for measles and mumps. Within a decade the beheading of infected children around the world was replaced by two shots given in the first five years of life. The vaccine proved so effective that by the millennium any recent rise in childhood ailments was blamed on the MMR vaccine.

"Our children showed no signs of autism when the guillotine was the cure for mumps and measles. It stopped the spread dead and there were no side effects," said Medusa Robespierre of the Death To All Vaccinators Coalition. 

"I never liked chopping kids heads off but it sure beats the plagues of autism and attention deficit disorder we have today."

"If parents don't want their kids vaccinated then chop the kids heads off. The parents have lost their heads. Let the kids join them."

Don Arrup

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Cry If You Want To

Lesley Sue Goldstein, the inventor of Bubblegum Lesbianism, died Monday of Lung Cancer in New York City. She was 68 years old. Lesley first became known to the public as the high school junior Lesley Gore who sang "It's My Party and I'll Eat Who I Want To" in 1963 which went to number one on the pop charts.

After the follow up hit "Judy Eat My Pie" she appeared on the 60's hit TV show Batman playing Pussycat, one of Catwoman's sex kittens who seduced Robin hot pants. Her high point was the lesbian/feminist anthem "You Don't Bone Me" which rode the charts at number 2 behind the Beatles "I Want To Hold Your Hand."

She was the secret Queen of North American Lesbians from her coronation in 1982 until her death. Her successor will be determined by bloodbath.

L Sue G

Don Arrup

Friday, February 13, 2015


Grandpaw Straw, what's the fuss girls make out of red candy day?

--Oh, Billy, they ache to honor righteous Vaginatine.

Is he the baby with the bow and thorn?

--No, Billy, that's too cute Cupid. Beware of him, Righteous Vaginatine was a Roman who crossed over to the cross and put on the big hat and hitched up young folks going to the big cats. 

He did this in a church?

--Wherever he was where young people wanted to marry. Even his fellow prisoners before his demise.

What did the bad guys do to him?

--They went clubbing on him but he was up for the party.

So how did he die?

--He lost his head like many a man do over love.

So Grandpaw Straw, what is this thing big people call love?

--Great big fuss. Huge box of chocolates and nobody knows what the chocolate hides. Some of them are kisses and some of them are lies. Soft music. Low lights. Then thunderclap lightning boom! What happened? Who am I?

That don't sound like fun, Grandpaw.

--I know, I know, but in a couple of years, Billy, girls will start looking like ice cream.

Happy Valentine's Day

Don Arrup

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Agent Double "0" Popeye's Further Predictions For 2015

European Fuhrer Angel Mercules will divorce her second husband of sixteen years and elope with Russian Premiere Val Putin to Israel's West Bank to live as "declared" Palestinians until the Disney Bio pic they crave is made, is accurate and they accidentally murder each other fighting over who gets to shoot themselves first.

Governor Jerry Brown of California will resign his office to join the homeless in San Francisco "where the real action is." Governor Brown's last official act will be to declare 2015 the second "Summer of Love."

Rival news anchors will provide evidence of their history making exploits to match NBC's Brian William's fantasy helicopter flight. ABC's Diane Sawyer will try to prove she's a direct descendant of Mark Twain's Tom Sawyer and Bill O'Reilly will produce a selfie he took at Omaha Beach on D Day.

The New York Yankees will sign an expensive player.

Walmart will buy China. Mom and Pop Asian countries like North Korea and Thailand will close doors. Japan and South Korea will talk merger. 

The City of New Orleans will invite anyone infected with Ebola to the city to fight the decline in disaster tourism.

Colorado will vote to repeal the legalization of marijuana for recreational purposes but they won't be able to find the bill.

U.S. automakers will recall the rest of their manufacture.

Same sex marriage becomes legal in Missatucky, Mooslyvania, New Troy and Gotham. Let's wear capes!

Don Arrup