Thursday, November 9, 2017

No No November 17


The latest sweep in the Middle East was made by the hot Saudi Crown Prince Mo B. Salman who has imprisoned billionaires and eleven of his fellow princes in a grand hotel most of us would kill to get in. Cleaning up the corruption in Saudi Arabia is like trying to get the violence out of Mixed Martial Arts.

As our second most important ally in the region, there is a slim chance that the women of the country might be treated as adults and their education system both internal and exported might stop calling for the total destruction of the United States and Israel.

President Trump praised recent developments in the kingdom. His son in law had been popping in and out of that sandbox like a four year old with a nervous bladder. No member of the fifteen thousand strong royal family is allowed to leave the country as the Crown Prince and King Pop consolidate power that used to be distributed a little more equitably among two thousand princes.

With a neighborhood Vietnam called Yemen and the economic nut squeezing of Qatar, Sunni’s big daddies can’t see past Shi’ite Iran’s shit tight progress in all things diplomatic and nuclear. Though Trump blows bluster he is throned on the other global broken toilet trying to order Chinese to takeout his Kimchi-Un bellyache.

Funny how Saudi Arabia and North Korea are looking more alike. Protectors of the Muslim holy land and Hadj keep succession a family matter just like in so called Communist People’s K. I didn’t know Putin was Lenin’s great grandson or is he Stalin’s? Xi Jing Ping Pong definitely looks like his dad Mao and Castro’s bro is the Cuban to go.

Which brings us to the Lord’s message to the NRA and churchgoers everywhere. If you are massacred by a Christian it is a case of mental illness. If a Muslim slaughters you it is Islamic Radicalism. Guns don’t kill people. Religion does. Thank god and praise Allah for clearing that up.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

2017 All Boo Lineup on Fox and MSNBC


Fox News Schedule

12am  Roe vs DeSade

4am    From Russia With Funds

7am    I Wake Up Tweeting

11am  Capitol Hill Has Eyes

1pm    The Legend of Hell House of Reps

4pm    Harvey Weinstein Audition

7pm    The Prosecutor Who Couldn’t Be Fired

9pm    Repeal and Replace

MSNBC Schedule 

12am   The White House on the Right

3am     Shadow of the Deregulator

6am     Mad Science Denier

9am     Global Barbecue

12am   Tweets from the Crypt

3pm     Election Day

6pm     A Date with Cosby

8pm     Party of the Undead Leadership and Ghosts of Candidates Past

Don Arrup
Satire1

Friday, October 27, 2017

Who's Blowing Storms and Scandals

Trump blames every problem on Mexico and the Democrats try to prove that Russia is the root of all evils but Satire1 has unearthed evidence that both are correct. Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby are both double agents working for Mexico and Russia simultaneously to disrupt elections, debase American entertainment, set back the cause of women and flood or burn as many American homes as possible.

Meteorologists for the FBI have confirmed that Hurricane Harvey was indeed Hurricane Harvey Weinstein performing his bathrobe and mash act on a coastal scale in Texas and then harassing Irma out of her harmless Atlantic spin to race for her dignity up and down both coasts of Florida.

“Maria had no plans for a Caribbean vacation but had to sweep south and west when the terrible open bathrobe came after her,” according to the FBI report. Many Puerto Ricans suspected that the great white Hollywood whale might be to blame for their set back to the 18th Century.

“All these supposed natural disasters might have only been a distraction to get Cosby off the front pages so he could prepare central California for his barbecue that was to leave only Hollywood and Silicon Valley intact,” Special Agent Walrus explained.

The entire operation was coordinated out of a Domino’s Pizza shop in Baltimore, Maryland’s famous French Quarter. Years of meticulous planning from the silencing of leading actresses who usually become the spokeswomen for victims of natural disasters to fueling debates over global warming and the redefining of collegiate rape led to the nation letting down its guard and pants to the duo diablos. 

“Harvey Weinstein was always a hurricane. Whirlwind producer/seducer of films of every genre, crossing the oceans and continents for victims and talent and always in a hurry hurry hurry. Bill Cosby played it cooler. Upset that his outlandish explanations didn’t cause earthquakes along the San Andreas fault he switched tactics to burn the women of central California who he claimed were infected with yeast.” 

President Trump lamented that he has been friends with Weinstein since they attended Putin’s Secret Billionaire Indoctrination Camp together in 2004 while Hilary Clinton said that Mexico only had the best of intentions in destroying the economy of the southern half of the United States.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Hugh Hall Hef


This month we lost both Hugh Hefner and Monty Hall, the world’s most notorious playboy and television’s ultimate salesman and though we were told that the mystery was what was behind doors number one, two or three it was the other side of the gate of the Playboy Mansion that held our fascination. 

The carefully choreographed and extensively photographed fantasy of Hefner’s hedonistic heaven with young women so cute they didn’t need to be built and so built they didn’t need to be cute adorned his magazine and domicile even as Hef graced into the extreme codgerdom of 91. 

His perennial penile pipe and more recently adorned white yachting cap only made his forward leering posture the nightmare of the wealthy Popeye.  

Starting in the last months of the Kennedy Administration, Canadian Monty Hall created, produced and hosted Let’s Make A Deal that exploited the contestants’s needs and fantasies with a three card monte style faux giveaway show. Its “lucky” victims were chosen from a mob of desperate humdrums dressed for maximum humiliation. 

Monty carefully navigated their choices between tightly rolled wads of greenbacks and curtains hiding joke gifts, off brand furniture and appliances and off season tourist junkets. The entire program was based on duping contestants out of  their last shred of dignity with a bevy of tacky room sets and desert heat vacations. Appliances by no name companies were erotically massaged by models while the voice from above described them.  A full one third of air time was filled with outright commercials for cheap crap masquerading as enticements.

The daytime show was a perfect fantasy for housewives desexed by childrearing and isolated drudgery: a well dressed, charmless, harmless man offering gifts and excitement and drama. Choices. The unbearable horror of choices. 

Contrast this with Hefner’s two late evening television offerings, Playboy’s Penthouse and Playboy After Dark. Both short run variety shows were set in Hef’s apartment where performers and models listened to and ogled each others talents. The pretense that the fashion and passion advise of the libertine philosopher could turn even a nerdy, dirty Chicago divorcee into the world’s happiest and hippest fellow was the underlying premise of both programs.   

Monty Hall was the only thing to look forward to on my bedridden school days after I Love Lucy. HH’s magazine opened my eyes to more than just bosoms. I first read feminists and Nobel Prize winning authors, interviews with Castro,  candidate Jimmy Carter and leaders of Civil Rights movement. And I loved the cartoons.  

Farewell to thee leading purveyors of late 20th Century fantasy. For now both of you know for all of time what lies behind Door Number Three.

Don Arrup
Satire1


Thursday, September 28, 2017

Hurry-Cane Health Care Bill


Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) declared the third attempt to repeal and replace Obamacare dead after a five day attempt to resuscitate a warmed over clone of the last bill. Senators Bill Cassidy (R-LA) and Lindsey Graham (R-SC) spent an entire lunch break ten days ago carefully crafting an alternative health insurance proposal claiming that “not a millionaire will lose their Medicare” on. 

Libertarian Republican Rand Paul of Kentucky called the bill another “fake repeal” while John McCain (R-AZ) threatened to check back into the Hanoi Hilton for his brain cancer treatment if this bill passed.

Just after Senator David “Chick” Perdue (R-GA) complained that the Republican caucus has had nine months “enough time to bake a baby” to repeal Obamacare Senator Susan Collins (R-ME) pointed out the bill was crafted in less time then it took to conceive a child. 

“Bill Cassidy and the Slam Graham Kid should have just played another two holes of golf rather than waste time and paper on this bill,” Senator Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) said. “You can’t write major legislation that affects the health of the entire nation by what comes to a premature ejaculation of a two handed circle jerk.“

Don Arrup
Satire1 

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Trump Denies Entry to Jose and Maria


In an interview at the United Nations General Assembly yesterday, President Trump announced that hurricanes Jose and Maria were undocumented atmospherics and would not be allowed to cross United States borders.

Though none of the bills submitted in Congress extend a path of citizenship to hurricanes or typhoons, the president, uncharacteristically subtle, implied that those with northern European names (Harvey & Irma) were welcome while those with Hispanic handles were not. 

Representatives of the three quarters of a million New Yorkers of Puerto Rican descent protested  pointing out that Hurricane Maria was named after the most popular song from West Side Story. Trump said the song was about a Puerto Rican girl and Puerto Rico is where the hurricane is headed. 

“Houston will be protected in the future as we are going to extend the wall to protect us not only from invasion from Mexico but also from the Gulf of Mexico,” the president said. “This should also protect most of Florida. My first and most sacred duty as president is to protect the swing states in an election year.”

Meteorologists from across the globe concurred that hurricanes have never been recorded breaching the Great Wall of Kansas and that flood insurance costs in Arizona and New Mexico should come down. 

“The American people elected me because the American people want to suffer American disasters. Enough of these half assed, half spent hand me down hurricanes that a bunch of little tourist traps and tax shelters pass on to us after all the real drama is over.”

“There will be no more page two destruction, after the commercial coverage and unworthy of pundit pontification national “events” while these so called countries that are too small to even make a decent golf course out of grab all the attention and sympathy.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Friday, September 15, 2017

iPhools

(Scene: The bridge of a 23rd century starship just after a huge pop bang boom!)

Captain Kirk
My god, what was that Spock?

First Officer Spock
We just went through some type of antimatter hurricane in space. We are presently following the heels of a giant hurricane on your home planet.

Kirk
I could use a weekend back home.

Spock
The computer indicates that it must have also been a time warp. The year is 10 iP.

Kirk
Ten years after the first iPhone?

Spock
Apparently. I’m picking up images of humans with earplugs visually submersed in the tiny screens they hold before them and follow.

Kirk
It must be the late teens of the twenty first century when the computer companies gave up on robots and decided to enslave their customers instead.

Spock
I’ve read that it took less than a decade. 

Kirk
The amazing thing is how blatant Apple was. They literally called the master bot iPhone. The small i was the customer who was surrendering himself to the capitalized super gadget. 

Spock
Yes, it was marketed as a useful tool when in reality it was turning the customers into useful tools. 

Kirk
App and plan buyers. Apple had competition but with people lining up for hours to sacrifice themselves there were more than enough suckers to go around.

Spock 
Smartphones and idiot buyers.

Kirk
In no time the foolphones were replacing human interaction.

Spock
Every one of the meager cognitive abilities humans had evolved were being replaced by apps.

Kirk
My grandmother told me her grandmother couldn’t add or subtract, had any idea where she was without GPS. She didn’t even have any idea what to feel or where emotions might come from outside of emojis. 

Spock
Perhaps it was senility.

Kirk
This is when she was twenty six and at the top of her class at Harvard Business School.

Spock
Didn’t a tycoon run the United States with Morse code in that period?

Kirk
I think Morse code was in the war century. Tweets. He ran the free world with Tweets.

Spock
Like Tweety Bird?

Kirk
Yes, the symbol was a bird. He must have been Tweety Bird or Twitter Bird. Blond fellow. Big pants.

Spock
Within a generation the eyesight of children was closer to a mole’s than that of their parents. The four fingers on each hand began to web and thumbs developed an extra joint. The memory area of the brain shrank from a baseball to a peanut. 

Kirk
People constantly documented their activities and tried to seduce their phones with naughty or humorous photographs of themselves to prove to their masters that they were worthy of them. 

Spock
From the images I’m collecting presently it appears that we are at the lowest point for the humans of Earth. Sensors are picking up what appear to be electronic mating calls. Apparently humans couldn’t even mate without their phones. 

Kirk
That was a long time developing and for many phone procreation was as far as they progressed.

Spock
Frankly Captain, I am surprised your species survived.

Kirk
The citizens of every country handed over their entire lives, relationships, finances, education, sanity and sovereignty over to Internet computers.

Spock
How did they ever free themselves from their phony fetish?

Kirk
Something newer and shinier came along.

Don Arrup
Satire1