Saturday, July 30, 2016

Battle of the Blonds

Hillary’s Acceptance Speech Thursday night:

My fellow Americans, tonight begins a new era of equality and freedom undreamt of by our Founding Fathers. Tonight, for the first time America is offering the office of the Presidency of the United States to the winner of the Battle of the Blonds.

Washington, Jefferson, Jackson, Eisenhower and Kennedy were all carrot tops. Abe and the other beards all brunettes. Barack sports a short nappy but never has a golden fleece led this land.

I know some of you are skeptical. Is the country, indeed the world, ready for a blond American president? With China contracting, Russia collapsing, Europe dividing, the Middle East radicalizing, and Brazil covering up the bikini can a blond American president see to it that we do in fact have more fun?

We Americans are facing mounting challenges. Yellowing bleaching agents, poorly labeled or manufactured peroxide, split ends and unmanageable humidity in the summer and wild wind in the winter. We have faced these challenges before as a nation and we survived but under my Administration we will not only survive but prevail.

In my years as a Senator and Secretary of State I’ve spoken to hundreds of our brave men and women in uniform facing the most cruel and unthinkable conditions overseas for any hairdo let alone a perm or wave. Helmet Hair has become the number one injury among our front line troops. I’ve seen the courage and patriotism of soldiers, sailors, (no one from the Air Force) and Marines barely out of their teens pleading with their beauticians and barbers to clear them again for combat. Some even shaving their heads so that they could rejoin the fight. 

Many of my fellow Democrats accuse me of being a Hawk but let me say this right here and now, I do not condone sending out any American into harm’s way who is having a bad hair day. Nothing good ever happens on BHDs. I know, Hercules couldn’t have gotten a comb through my mane that fateful November Tuesday in 2008. I’ll send out our troops to fight freedom’s necessary fights, possibly to get wounded or killed but I will not send out a single service member to be humiliated.

And then there is the question of climate change. How will my children manage their hair with the weather exploding in their face every time they open their front door? When hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, desert heat, arctic cold and Noah era flooding become the norm, how will my children avoid the embarrassment of unmanageable hair? What future can my children have if their heads look like they bathed in a blender?

I know my opponent, not a natural blond anymore but who is after their twenties, says that he will look out for your locks. “I’ll protect your hair,” Donald says. “I’ll wash it; I’ll comb it; I’ll cut it; believe me.” Well, I believe Donald when he says this. Yes, I believe him. He’ll do all that and more for your hair but on one condition- only if you want your hair to look like his.

Yes, it will be one style fits all with Mr. Trump. I’m a proud bleach blond but under my administration a rainbow of manes will flourish. There might even be adults wearing their natural hair color and that too will find acceptance with this Democrat in the White House. Or should I say the Blond House?

So now it is up to the American people to choose which blond vision to follow. We have entered the Blond era, the Blond century, the Blond millennium. The only question is are we turning over or upside down?

Don Arrup

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Melania Michelle

Wal Mart Journal
“It is impossible for Melania Trump to have stolen even one word from Michelle Obama’s 2008 Democratic Convention speech on Monday night because Melania Trump is Michelle Obama disguised in white face.”

“Michelle is actually married to a number of former and current candidates including a secret gay marriage to Hillary Clinton. She is a bigamist and will do anything and marry anyone to remain First Lady.”

New York Chimes
“When I worked in the First Lady’s office, Mrs. Obama quite frankly told me that she considered it a lifelong position. When I told her her husband would have to relinquish the office in two years she said he was just this year’s shoes.”

“Though the XXII Amendment to the Constitution limits the term for serving as the President it imposes no such limitation on the First Lady. And I’m telling you, this woman ain’t leaving.”

Washington Host
“Michelle married Trump before she married Obama. She’s been apart of the national outreach of his Queens harem for decades, in a sort of Piece Corps. Michelle can do a totally convincing Asian woman as well. If you haven’t seen Geisha Michelle you don’t know the woman.”

Chicago Fun Times
“Obama was actually one of the last politicians Michelle married. He was her “Chicago Hope,” a cute upcoming intern in her law office with a great sheepskin. So she spanked him for a couple of months to see if he had pants for the position. The rest is herstory.”

Don Arrup

*This post is dedicated to the First Lady in my life, Loretta Hanahan Arrup 1916-2016.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Would President Trump Deport Superman?

An impromptu interview occurred when reporters caught the presumptive Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump coming out of a screening of Batman vs Superman.

Reporter 1
Mr. Trump, who won?

I won. I always win.

Reporter 2
She meant Batman or Superman.

When Batman wins, America wins.

Reporter 3
Are you implying that Superman was vanquished because he was born on another planet?

Now I don’t want you all to make a big deal out of this. I just want you to make a big deal out of me.

Reporter 1
Straight up, Candidate Trump, would you kick Superman out because he was born on Krypton to Kryptonese parents?

I like Marlon Brando. And that was the best wig he ever wore. He was practically George Washington.

Reporter 3
You don’t think Superman flying around all over the city isn’t a message to teenagers to use drugs?

It’s the blue long johns with the red hot pants, okay. It’s gay. I don’t mean that in a derogatory manner. They’re just what they are. Gay. I won’t talk about the cape.

Reporter 2
So, you want Superman to leave the Untied States because he’s a gay superhero?

Look, I understand he was just a super baby in a blanket in a spaceship that got him here just before his planet exploded. I don’t blame Super Man for that. I’m glad he made it. I’m not putting Mexican babies in rockets even though senior officials at NASA and the Pentagon that I happen to know personally assure me we definitely have the ability to launch a hundred babies a day- up to a thousand babies a week- to anywhere in our hemisphere.

Reporter 3
So Superman can stay?

Anybody’s who’s here from a planet that exploded can stay.

Reporter 1
There has been suggestions that Batman has a complex relationship with Robin. Do you think that’s true? And if you do then how about Superman and Superboy?

Superboy was just Superman before he grew up and was still living on the farm in Kansas. Whether there was any interplanetary improprieties I don’t know. I’m sure Batman and Robin do whatever bats and robins do in nature even though it might be disgusting to most people.

Reporter 2
So who won? Batman or Superman, Candidate Trump?

Everyone knows that Gotham is New York and Batman is New York. Nobody beats New York. Batman has to fight the Riddler regulators, the Joker politicians and the Penguin bureaucrats that are trying to stop America from making money. Bruce Wayne is the one percent. I am the one percent. I am Batman and Superman is a red caped socialist in girly go go boots and Batman and I are going to bring him down.

Reporter 1
Mr. Trump, did you even see the movie?

I was in the lobby lobbying through the entire feature. I don’t have to see the movie. I know how everything goes down.

Don Arrup

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Both Candidates Call For American Exit

Surprising even some of her longest and closest supporters, Hillary Clinton joined Donald Trump in calling for a national referendum on the United States of America withdrawing from the human race and declaring its citizens a new species.

“I misunderstood Donald’s message about making America great again. Of course, we’ve always been great but the forces of globalization have crept too far into our lives and orifices pulling Americans down to the level of people in other countries. We’re not like people in other countries. They’re foreigners and we’re Americans!”

“Hill Bill and I are on the same page with this issue and I promise you whether I win or win I will throw my wholehearted support into the movement to get America out of the filthy, disgusting swamp we call humanity,” Donald Trump replied. “We have better cars and better hair products. Humanity is a loser. Those people in other countries are already extinct but their brains are too pink to realize it.”

“Now Mr. Trump and I certainly don’t see eye to eye on most issues but we really do need to get out of the whole antiquated mankind thing. Most Americans have roots in other countries and cultures but they got out of them and those places and if they look and sound like myself and Mr. Trump then they too can be Americans.”

“It’s not about race. It’s not about religion. Hill Bill and I are in complete agreement on that. I don’t care what white race you come from or what Christian religion you practice. Come to my casinos and I’ll see to it- personally, if need be- that we take your money. Your money is always green with me.”

“I’m in complete agreement with my friend Donald on that. Though Bill and I much prefer blank checks from bottomless pocketed billionaires we are Democrats and will stoop to taking small donations from the faceless masses.”

“That’s right. And whether I win or Hill Bill loses, we are determined to get our precious country out of the human race- that’s the race that everybody hates.”

Don Arrup

Friday, June 24, 2016

New Gun Out Of Control Bills

The majority of voters in both parties favor stricter gun control legislation while bills put forth by Congressional members of both parties went down to flaming defeat. Not all of the bills proposed were honored with a vote so Satire1 brings the bills and their authors exclusively to you for your perusal.

Senator Bush Whacker (R- Wyoming)
Recognizes the right of Death Row inmates to buy and own automatic weapons with high capacity magazines. 
“Serial killers and rapists/murderers are still Americans and should enjoy the option of going down in a blaze of violence.” 
Unlikely to be signed by Obama if passed

Representative Dora Matt (D- Maryland)
Denies power tools and kitchen cutlery along with guns to viewers of online porno and violent video games.
“There has been a 362% increase in cannibalism in the United States in the decades since the release of Pac-Man.”
Obama promises to sign if passed

Representative Bone Acher (R- Ohio)
Extends Second Amendment rights to robots assembled in the United States.
“They clean our floors and deliver office mail and should have the right to protect their closets.”
Obama promised to review after he gets his tie out of his zipper

Senator Paul Ball (D- New Jersey)
Directs the Department of Homeland Security to prosecute the use of finger guns and/or saying “bang” on school grounds from preschool to grad as an act of terrorism.
“You can buy a bazooka in half the states if you have a Popsicle stick with your initials on it. We can’t wait until students get the hardware to back up their threats.”
Obama says he’s been calling on this measure since he was a Senator

Senator Jack Umph (R- Alabama)
Targets a “Transformer Tax” on family vehicles owned by private citizens which can quickly morph into fighter jets, battle tanks or giant robots.
“More people are killed by automobiles in the United States than by guns almost every year so I think it’s time to make the most lethal and evil of cars pay.”
Obama wants one

Representative Gladys Haver (D- Oregon)
Background checks for gun purchases should include previous reincarnations.
“I dated a boy in high school who was Billy the Kid in a previous life and I just don’t think he should have a gun in this one.”
Obama said this bill spooked him

Representative Patricia Spread (R- Alaska)
Compromise bill proposing a five minute waiting period on all machine and Gatling guns sold at gun shows.
“I think a mature and responsible citizen can wait that long without too much infringement on their Constitutional rights.”
Obama said he’d think about it

Don Arrup

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Bigots Confused

Among the tragedies of last weekend’s massacre in the Gunshine State is the existential limbo suffered by bigots unable to decide whether it was all the fault of Muslims or Gays. 

“We try not to split hairs or blame,” explained Horace Manlover, president of Fair Haters, an advocacy group representing white supremacists, homophobes and Bible Thumpers. “When one hated group attacks another you’d think we’d view that as a win-win but hate isn’t always that simple.”

“We have a man who had no business being a Muslim doling out God’s Will as written in Epistle to the Romans on sodomites who were dancing too late at night and into the Lord’s Day.”

“Now, some say that anyone dancing that late at night should be shot but I don’t agree. The Second Amendment protects the rights of Christians to shoot gays and Muslims at anytime on any day. This is our precious freedom. And though dancing is often used to celebrate infidelity and infanticide it can happen spontaneously to young children exposed to popular culture.”

“We pray to God and his infinite mercy to pity us and tell us who we should hate more.”

Don Arrup

Saturday, June 4, 2016

You Walk, You Die

As the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that the kingdom can now be sued for its role in the 9/11 terrorist attacks and President Obama, soon to be out of office and out of their pocket, dares to criticize the land of 5,000 princes, just when you thought Saudi Arabia couldn’t sink any further into the sinkhole of history it reached down down down into the sewer and pulled up Uber.

The Public Investment Fund of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia joins the black heart of BlackRock, Wall Street pirates Gold Man Sacks & Rapes, Captain Morgan Stanley and terrorist loving Qatar in funding the infant stealing, women trafficking, organ peddling, pedestrian murdering “transportation” cabal three and a half billion dollars. 

The tentacles of Uber now strangle 460 cities in 69 countries and its standing army of “drivers” in the Middle East alone has grown to 395,000 making it the fourth largest force in the region and over twice the size of Israel’s military.

Claiming to assist progress in the kingdom by driving license deprived women to jobs and relatives, Uber has been quietly switching out young women from under their burkas with elderly beggars to feed the brothels of Cairo and Cleveland. Oil obese SA has too many sons without jobs and daughters who require dowries. 

So Uber Technologies Inc. joins its brethren Al-Qaida, the Taliban, hundreds of American and Israeli hating madrassas Koran schools and anyone with at least a hand in Sunni Muslim terror or adventurism. 

Uber Fuhrer Travis Kalanick sits on the lap of Saudi King Salman but who is the ventriloquist and who is the dummy? Whose hand has discreetly slipped up the orifice of the other? Who is the bitch and who is the mother?

Since Satire1 has been exposing the innumerable crimes of Uber Technologies for some time we thought to ask the Presidential candidates for their opinion on the sins of the Strangling U.

Senator Bernard Sanders
“As a United States Senator with full access to intelligence reports I am fully aware of the international crime organization that operates out of San Fransisco- for god’s sake, it’s worse than Spectre in the James Bond novels- but the kids like that they are part of the dumb phone app world and it is the very pinnacle of irresponsibility and betrayal to tell your core constituency things they don’t want to hear.”

Hillary Clinton
“You’re asking me if I know about Uber Tech? As Secretary of State I had to create over a dozen special task forces to deal with their sex slave trade, kidney and other organ harvesting and their ridiculously overpriced rides. They’re more trouble than the Chinese, Putin and North Korea combined and that’s the difference between me and Donald Trump. I know exactly what I’m doing every time I cash their check.”

Donald Trump
“What? Uber, the car guys? You call them rapists, you call them murders, kidnappers, terrorists and worse. I call them businessmen. A lot of decent, hard working people have gotten a second or third or fourth chance in this lousy Obama economy through Uber. I bet you right now Uber is employing thousands of single mothers, foster teens and transgenders who nobody else would give a chance. They’re probably tied down spread eagle and gagged but it’s a job and what will help make America great again.”

Don Arrup