Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Turd Party

Jill Stein, Green Party candidate for the Presidency of the United States, only needs 270 electoral votes to surpass Trump and Clinton. Since accepting the results of elections has become un-American this millennium, Ms. Stein is calling for and getting recounts in several states. Satire1 offers a variety of views on the subject.

Donald Trump
“The whole election was fixed. Jill Stein was screwed. She definitely won a few states, Tenhio, Virginisee, New Calichusettes at the very least.”

Hillary Clinton
“I can see how even a turd party candidate who might have cost me a couple of states might feel herself not properly evaluated or calculated. In respect to her right to challenge the results my campaign will contribute 247 lawyers and 827 million in cash to encourage an inquiry we don’t actually condone.”

Woman at Hartsdale Road and Loch Raven Boulevard 
“I’m a Democrat and I voted for Hillary but Jill was right on Clinton’s heels and 63 and a half million votes either way could have given us a Green President.”

Joe Patagonia, Owner of Whoosebot (a Chow Collie)
“I think we need a president who can sing. Or at least dance. I hope Trump hires some song writers or a choreographer instead of the same old speechwriters. Peggy Noonan just makes too  much sense and nobody wants that. Nothing in the entire world makes sense anymore so what is Peg talking about?”

Another Woman at Hartsdale and Loch Raven
“Why doesn’t Trump grab my bundle? Why does a perfectly healthy rich American celebrity order in skinny foreign bitches for wives? Somebody didn’t suck his dick in high school.”

Dick Hurtz D.D.S.
“Stein just can’t believe a woman couldn’t win it this time and I’m with her. Hillary couldn’t overcome a caveman and a Communist? What do we need to change? The solar system?”

Jack Kack, mortician and squash player
“I can’t believe the parties and the media don’t get it. The losing party wins. Their voters stay upset and write checks and fill the bitchdrome while the supposed winners have to try to actually govern this mobacracy and build something out of the diarrhea they’ve been selling.”

Gertrude Slime, ?
“The White House Press Corps is afraid they’re going to lose their jobs to Twitter. Trump only has four words for you that he’ll be using for the next four years- we’re working on it.”

Chloe Towtown, graduate student and excessive masturbator
“Jill Stein definitely won. Hillary Clinton didn’t get any votes. She just got some anti-Trump votes. Donald Trump didn’t get any votes. He just got anti-Hillary votes. Jill is the only candidate who actually had voters vote for her. We can’t count the negative votes. Besides, there’s too many of them.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Trump Says He Will Not Pardon Turkeys

As a part of his hard on fowl policy, President Elect Trump claims that he will not pardon turkeys  when Thanksgiving approaches once he is in office. “President Obama has no problem throwing another bird on the farm welfare system but when I take office it will be the oven for all gobblers.”

Citing the deep sadness he experienced when he first encountered starving Harvard students, Trump swore that he would leave no drumstick unturned until every fattened bird was roasted on the third Thursday of November. 

The “original illegal aliens” as the President Elect refers to Native Americans, Trump holds responsible for bringing the bird from the Middle East to the Americas. “This continent was a clean continent before the Indians brought that Muslim bird here from the Ottoman Empire. This land was a paradise before they came here with their credit default swaps and pay day loans.”

Though the President Elect doesn’t blame the birds for the complete collapse of our entire economy and society he points out that their flesh was the second largest contributor to the white meat mania of just a decade ago. “Both the right wing and liberal press constantly accused me of supporting White Meat Supremacy during my campaign. I eat red meat and yellow, hot dogs are terra-cotta, blue fish, grey octopus and barbecue black. I’m multi-carnivore. Tell all the animals. You come here. We’ll eat you. It’s not a problem.”

Pressed by the press the President Elect confessed that the only turkey he would consider pardoning would be Hillary Clinton.

Happy T Bird Day

Don Arrup
Satire1

Monday, November 7, 2016

The Last Poll

Democrats over 40

1) Elizabeth Warren
2) George Clooney 
3) Michelle Obama
4) Bernie Sanders
5) Stalin
6) Satan
7) Hillary Clinton

Republicans over 40

1) Ted Cruz
2) Peggy Noonan
3) Jesus Christ
4) Newt Gingrich
5) Adolf Hitler
6) Paul Ryan
7) Donald J Trump
8) Sarah Palin

Democrats under 40

1) Bernie Sanders
2) Justin Bieber
3) Bernie Sanders
4) Elizabeth Warren
5) Jane O’Meara Sanders
6) Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg
7) Batman

Republicans under 40

1) Paul Ryan
2) Alexander Hamilton
3) Pope Francis
4) Hillary Clinton
5) Adam Smith
6) Abraham Lincoln
7) Donald J Trump

Vote

Don Arrup
Satire1

Monday, October 31, 2016

Fright Night 2016

FRIGHT NIGHT 2016

The real Fright Night 2016 is Tuesday, November 8 but in observance of Halloween and the horrors to come next week Fox News and MSNBC run their holiday specials.

Fox News

6pm     A Fistful of Hello

8pm     Return of the Regulator

10pm    The Devil Wears Pantsuits 

12am    Saving Private Equity

2am     Trumptanic 


MSNBC

6pm     The Trumpford Wives

8pm     Shadow of the Co Pay

10pm    The Server in the Cellar

12pm    Not Another Bimbo

2am      Not Another Weiner!

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

C Town Glory

For those of you who are not Major League Baseball or history buffs, a little primer to put tonight’s World Series opener between the two longest suffering franchises in professional sports in perspective. 

The Last Time The Cleveland Indians Won The World Series

--Native Americans (i.e. “Indians”) were the only people here to play baseball
--Umpires had just begun calling balls and strikes since language was just invented
--There were no home teams or home runs since the concepts of a settled domicile and private property had yet to be invented
--Fly outs and pop outs would today be considered indecent exposure
--A sacrifice bunt could not involve a minor or non consenting adult
--Hot dogs were free but you had to catch them

The Last Time The Chicago Cubs Won The World Series

--The ball had yet to be invented
--Both leagues were still integrated with Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon players
--The Detroit Tigers were actually Saber-toothed tigers 
--Games were not scheduled but spontaneous meetings of rival hunting parties who threw rocks at each other and swung their clubs to return thrown rocks  
--Hot dogs, yeah, but don’t ask

Don Arrup
Satire1 

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Shrimpathon

The city of Las Vegas, Nevada consumes 60,000 pounds of shrimp daily almost on par with the total shrimp consumption in the rest of the United States combined. Since the Gulf of Nevada produces few shrimp (zero to be exact as there is no Gulf of Nevada) all of the shrimp is imported from other regions of the United States and abroad. 

Asians particularly love shrimp and the Chinese refer to shrimp (and lobsters and prawns) as “Sea Dragons” while the Sioupachejo tribe of Baldwin, Maryland refers to the delicacy as “Small Hands.” As fate and television ratings would have it, C (linton) Dragon debates Small Hands Trump in Las Vegas tonight. A veritable shrimpathon.

Moderating the debate (as if moderation on any level was even a remote possibility) will be Chris Wallace, estranged son of Mike Wallace, the famous 60 Minutes milquetoast. Chris was a 1951 All American Pre School Linebacker for the Northside Chicago Crib Crushers before playing Ninja and outside executioner for the elite Hotchkiss School in Lakeville, Connecticut.

Reporting and anchoring for three of the four major networks , Wallace has maintained his technique of Tasmanian Devil interviewing seeking the interviewee’s genitals even over the truth. “Fact checking is not the moderator’s job but the opposing candidate’s. I just go for the balls and see what rolls out.”

Critics from both parties claim that since it is fall and far into the race the opposing candidate will try to hide their nuts from squirrelly journalists even in front of the entire nation. Wallace promises more action and controversy than a Kardashian pajama party and to shed more blood than light in this dark campaign.

President Obama praised Wallace’s intentions. “I’ve been in this office for almost eight years and the one thing I have learned above all else is the American people don’t want to hear the truth. And I don’t blame them. The truth sucks. And if you think things are bad from what you see and read, let me tell you.”

“The economy isn’t bad. It’s over. Done. Our schools are doing a good job of preparing our children for 1955. They can get great jobs but they will probably have to move- back in time. And as far as international affairs, Israel will survive. We won’t. This is our last election before Shari Law replaces Donald Chump or Hellary Clinton with a Caliph and the Supreme Court with a bunch of beards.”

“And you don’t even want to know what will happen to my Cubs.”

Don Arrup
Satire1


Sunday, October 16, 2016

Monster Masher

It was on a plane at thirty thousand feet. Practically outer space. I noticed when I went to wash my small hands that there was an attractive young lady apparently alone, possibly lonely, maybe even a little frightened of being away from her mother for the first time- her real mother- the mother of us all- Mother Earth- she’s like a broad in Greek Mythology- I went to college. I FELT AN OBLIGATION to invite her out of her outer space isolation. I HEEDED A VOICE that said invite the young woman to the seat I always reserve for such emergencies- legs up to here only her hemline went higher- higher than the plane- the seat next to me.

I explained the crisis to the stewardess who promptly and discretely passed the “upgrade” to the lass. Yes, I arranged it. Yes, I was deceitful in a generous and sensitive way so as not to make the young lady feel in any way obligated. The stewardess, tall, blond, Dutch like I like them but too busy at the time, escorted the accuser in question to the open space on my love seat. We were at at least thirty thousand feet- maybe even forty- practically outer space- Earth rules don’t apply. I’m up there. I’m Captain Kirk with an attractive- well, all the broads on the Enterprise are knockouts. No fatties. No dogs. No dogs. No hogs.

I was talking to this woman and it was thirty years ago when people still got laid and thirty thousand feet- deep space- even the Moon was like a dot- and it’s Star Trek and I’m Captain Kirk and she was no Spock I can tell you and we hit an air pocket as we were leaving the Earth’s atmosphere and I could feel the air pressure plunge so I plunged my small hands into her lower orifices so her bowels and birthing apparatus wouldn’t be sucked out of her into the cabin by the violent vacuum. 

I was applying First Aid!

Look, doctors and nurses are going to deny this. They lie because no woman would take a plane again if this got out and there is no pill they can sell you to stop it so with no buck for them or anybody why blow the airline industry’s racket? 

I’m talking about Tunnel Rectum and Puckered Pussy. Very real dangers for women. You can forget your creams. Forget your essential oils, special diets, yoga. Nothing is going to protect you, ladies. Especially your doctors. And the reason your doctors and nurses and therapists can’t help you is that they deny Tunnel Rectum and Puckered Pussy exist. Tens of thousands of cases documented every year and they’ll tell you it’s all in your head. No, Dumbbell, it’s in my ass not my head. Bill me when you get your head out of yours. 

The doctors and the nurses and the airlines. Cahoots. The difference between a nurse and a stewardess? The uniform. Their own mothers couldn’t tell them apart. On the first Thursday of every month, the doctors fly the planes and pilots put on white robes and hit the hospitals and operating rooms. This has been going on for years. Since Monica Clinton and Bill Lewinsky.

And the real question is- who’s the victim here? A young woman now an old broad, unbeknownst to her, is invited to an upgrade from steerage to first class on the Starship Enterprise and gets to sit next to the Captain. The Star Fleet Captain since military school. Soon to be Star Fleet Commander in Chief. And we hit a bump and everything changes and the air changes and she just consumed my small hands with her vagina and anus. Taking advantage of them as though they were little children. 

And I really wouldn’t go there if it wasn’t for the flagrant violation. Being accused of giving first aid to a young woman with so much of her femininity just hanging out of her no dress and now I’m supposed to be the bad guy? I saved her life. She was able to walk all the way back to steerage. No problem. Able to walk right through the rest of her hurtful, bitter life.

Saved her from an in flight air pressure hysterectomy and this is how she thanks me. 

The broad in my tower was all over me. There’s no question. I kept trying to bob and weave between her relentless frontal attacks on my lips, my face. I can’t even mention what my small hands were trying to protect down there. It wasn’t my wallet, I can tell you. And she gets frustrated and then dizzy and before you know it I’m performing CPR on her to keep her on her feet. Probably the only guy beside her brother who ever did that. CPR, ladies and gentlemen. It was mouth to mouth. I don’t sing show tunes. And now, still alive after I saved her, she’s accusing me of what? kissing her? Give me a break.

Don Arrup
Satire1