Saturday, January 24, 2015

State of Diunion

President Obama addressed Congress on the State of the Union for the sixth time Tuesday night. 

My fellow Americans,

The country is once again in a state of undeniable turmoil. The exceptional film Selma was not nominated for Academy Awards in directing, writing or acting. So Michelle and I invited the creator Ava DuVemay and David Oyelowo who sort of looks like Dr. King to the White House as a consolation prize.

As their limousine took them from the airport to the White House the driver thought he would swing our guests past some of the capital's sights including the Washington Monument. Mr. Oyelowo, a British citizen, thought the monument was a giant Klansman and forced the driver to smash the limo into the entrance of the obelisk. Fortunately, no one was hurt but Mr. Oyelowo was arrested for talking funny and overemphasizing his consonants. During his arraignment officers of the Metropolitan D.C. Police Department suspected Mr. Oyelowo of hiding an organ of generation in his trousers and restrained and de-pants him.

Prime Minister Cameron of the United Kingdom then exploited this misunderstanding to accuse its former colony and recent ally of impressing British actors to our shores in order to gain a competitive advantage in our entertainment industry and Public Television fund raising commercials. These accusations were made publicly on the floor of the Parliament where Mr. Cameron like all Members of Parliament enjoys immunity from Britain's strict defamation laws.

I have formally requested from Congress authorization to wage war against our former oppressor. Prime Minister Cameron's country has stolen our language, corrupted our community colleges, held down our minimum wage, scared us off from a single payer health care system, tried to ram a Canadian pipeline down our throats and flooded us with schmaltzy, sentimental soup operas that pass for intelligent programing. 

Through bad example and propaganda Great Britain relentlessly attempts to distort us into its own image. Wall Street, despite near wrecking the entire world's economy just seven years ago, continues to press Congress to deregulate our markets into the lawless pirate island London has been for years. Our regressive tax policy assures today's top earners will become the new American aristocracy while the majority of Americans slide deeper into stagnant wage serfdom. 

They even call soccer football! Have they no shame at all?

We can take these limeys. Our CIA has already aligned with several of the most powerful Irish and Scottish separatists and if we act now- we can turn this nagging mother country and her neighbors into the New Middle East. 

Now, I know you're saying who needs a new Middle East? We do. We can't do anything about the old Middle East. Nobody can and no one ever could. The Greeks, the Romans, Turks and then the English. All any of them ever did was make it worse.

So you're sitting at home, Mr. and Mrs. America and you're asking yourselves, 
what are you. Mr. President, going to do about the old Middle East? And I say this: We lied. We died. We tried. Now we are getting out of there. 

My Republican colleagues will say that leaving the Middle East in the midst of sectarian strife and civil war is a mistake but when have we ever done anything in the Middle East that wasn't a mistake? The Camp David Accords? Maybe. And even if that wasn't a mistake then we used up the one exception.

Don Arrup

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Say As Do I

President Francois Hollande of France

How can these extremists possibly justify their violent tactics against their fellow countrymen just because they don't like what they draw? France is a democracy and we welcome people from our former colonies to become full French citizens but they must respect other's religion and culture.

Can't they see that when their daughter goes to school with a scarf on her head that she is oppressing me? She is urinating on my parents and grand parents graves going back generations- all the way back to our glorious revolution when the people- all the people- could for the first time express themselves freely and all disagreements were settled peacefully and amicably by the guillotine. 

The nun, the Catholic nun teaching in Catholic schools, might wear a habit and this covers her head- but she is married to God. I- we- the French people can't tell God's wife how she can dress. Even God won't go there. God likes to live in Heaven but if he starts telling all his wives what to wear they will raise Hell so where is God going to hang out?

This Muslim French girl in school with a scarf on her head. I can't concentrate. I can not run the country. I feel every time her head moves. Right, left, up, down. It does not matter. It is like her head becomes an eraser and she is erasing France. Wiping us off the map. Out of history. Out of our very memory. It is like Caesar did not stop long enough to take a piss between Spain and the British Isles.

We don't shoot the Muslim French girl. That would barbaric. That would not be French. We cut off her head. Leave the scarf on. It does not offend us if the head is off because the head off is French. This is patriotism. This is the French way. If her head could still talk it would say Je Suis Charlie Hebdo.

Don Arrup

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Agent Double "0" Popeye's 2015 Predictions- Congress and Obama

The Senate's new Majority Leader Republican Mitch "The Bitch" McConnell will be caught making out with President Barack Obama in the President's former Senate Office just minutes before the State Of The Union Address.

This surprise will only slightly offset the scandalous interracial extra marital lesbian affair between current First Lady Michelle Obama and former First Lady Hillary Clinton who were secretly videotaped and YouTubed changing the weather under the other's skirt. Their dual tongue storms will blow viral not only on Earth but throughout the Universe as the speed of light fails to keep up with the scandal.

Representatives in the House will hold their first full scale Republican Revival Meeting and Supply Side Salvation Party as the Democrats clean out the hand out hand job union brothel they ran in the Senate during their tenure.

Bipartisan gender optional Capitol Hill square dances will be held every weekend through March heavily attended by legislators from both parties.

The Republican Congress and President Obama work together to pass a bill to reduce corporate taxes by more than half. All three of the American corporations that actually pay the tax applaud the bipartisanship while the Cayman Islands and Republic of Ireland declare it a ploy to steal their tax base.

Don Arrup

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Missed Obituaries 2014

BUGS BUNNY (19-?-2014)
Hired by Warner Brothers in the late 30's as a cartoon extra for barnyard and parade scenes, Bugs skyrocketed to fame in his first starring role in A Wild Hare (1940) earning an Academy Award for best Rabbit and cementing his career at Warner's. Bugs continued making shorts for Warner's as the most popular cartoon character in the world until 1960 when his constant battle with sex and carrot addiction began to affect his career. 
A longtime resident of Toontown, Bugs was interviewed in the crime documentary, Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) and then appeared again in NASA's training film, Space Jam (1996). BB later took his talents to education serving as principal and dean of Acme Looniversity and is survived by first squeeze Honey Bunny and current whoe Lola Bunny and his 482,621 offspring.

FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER (1818-2014, eighteenth known death)
Dr. Victor Frankenstein's monster or creature who came to be known simply as Frankenstein was born eight feet tall without a mother in a laboratory in Germany. Big Frank survived not only numerous marriages to females stitched together for his edification but fires, collapsing castles and exploding damns. Unable to find a fulfilling career or even a lowly job Frankie took to hanging out with blind men, hunchbacks and vampires- literally anyone who offered a little company and sustenance. 
Widely considered the poster boy for failed social services policies and liberal intervention, Dr. Frankenstein's creation would today be diagnosed as severely autistic and his habit of throwing small children in lakes and tearing arms off the of constables as poor cultural adaptation and political incorrectness.

MR. ED (1937-2014)
Bamboo Harvester was the castrated or gelding palomino who was remarkable not only for his ability to speak English but with such a deep voice for a eunuch. He was castrated by his keeper Wilber Post after he found Bamboo inside his wife Carol who definitely liked them big. Even after defusing the eleven hundred pound former stud, Wilbur ran his architect business out of the horse's stall so he could keep an eye on the rakish equine. 
By the early 90's, the talking horse was aggressively recruited by both right and left wing talk  radio stations but chose to keep his political views to himself. 

Don Arrup

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Grinch Guide To Holiday Cards

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah and Kwanza. Whatever gets you Muslims and Buddhists through the winter- go for it. I want everyone to enjoy the end of the year but if you are contemplating sending me any greetings in the snail mail or e understand that:

-- I love snow and find even cartoon representations of it tolerable. 

-- I hate snowmen. They're just a couple of big snowballs piled up with a Smiley face done in dried fruit. They're stupid, useless and they melt. If there is a snowman on the card white it out. No questions asked.

-- All religious themes are acceptable but fit young women in bikinis preferred.

-- Archaic toys (tin soldiers, hobby horses, etc.) were never part of my childhood except on ugly holiday cards. The blood bath ends here.

-- Guess where you can stick your candy canes.

-- Never ridden in a sleigh. Never want to.

-- Angels acceptable but still prefer fit young women in bikinis.

-- I hate your kids. I really hate your dog and I can barely stand you. No family pictures. Give me a chance to forget.

Holiday Greetings- pending

Don Arrup

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Senate Decides Torture Hurts

Senator Pilfort
"I thought water boarding was just the summer equivalent of snow boarding."

Senator Whacker
"Months of sleep deprivation interspersed with random outbursts of blaring screams and lights that never turn off. Hell, throw in no nookie and you'd have my first year of raising each of our six kids."

Senator Cyclone
"Isn't Guantanamo on the Carnival Cruise Lines?"

Senator Duster
"Being coerced into sitting through the State of the Union address ought to be illegal."

Don Arrup

Saturday, November 29, 2014

ObamaCare And Doesn't

One Year Exemptions

Suffers of CFLS (chronically feel like shit) can keep their plans or go without for another year since nothing seems to help.

People afflicted with WITAM (Why is it always me?) can whine about something else for a year.

Someone with your last name died this year. (Requires picture of dated gravestone or obit)

Still paying off flat screen TV or upgrade of content provider. (Copy of bill)

Spouse withholding oral sex. (Believe me, we understand)

You meet Federal requirements for Medicaid but the state in which you reside is still fighting the Civil War.

ISIS or ISIL has overrun your neighborhood. (Include video of local beheadings with application)

You have been quarantined for Ebola.

Three year Extensions

Zombies without full time employment 

Vampires with legal residence 

Brain and other major organ transplant patients (Frankensteins)

Don Arrup