Sunday, June 21, 2015

Trans Gender Race Bender

If your spouse of ten years redefines themselves as being the same sex as you does that make you gay?

If you recently entered a gay marriage and your spouse decides that they are the opposite sex does that make you straight?

If you declare you are without gender is there anywhere you can go to the bathroom in public areas?

Will shoe size replace genitalia as the gender defining measure?

There are members in the trans-gender community (TGC) who have taken issue with a number of women's and feminist organizations over their use of the term woman claiming that limiting it to vagina owners excludes those who identify as women but wear their genitalia on the outside.

In Spokane, Washington, a woman with Caucasian parents ran the local chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP). She said she identifies as black. She is not pale but do her ancestors come from Africa? Well, according to ethnologists everyone's ancestors come from Africa or maybe China. Maybe she's Asian. 

If you have blue eyes and milk white skin and your birth parents decide they now identify as black does that mean you can use less sunscreen? 

If you can choose your gender can you choose your race? Federal government applications asks which race you identify with. Of course, many people are a mixture but when it comes to gender there are only two boxes. The Feds even offer an "Other" box for the race question. When will they stop oppressing us and offer an "Other" box for gender or even better- a "No" box? 

Isn't that question section actually labeled SEX? I should have been marking it no for decades though "none" would be more accurate. There should be a "None" box for hair color on the driver's license application.

Can an obese person declare themselves thin? Most idiots think they're geniuses. Can the elderly through athletic achievement take their place among the young? Rich men cry poor every April. And the poor spend it like they got it at the beginning of every month. Obviously, we Americans no longer know who we are or perhaps we never did.

If we allow everyone to simply choose how they are to be defined there might no longer be gender segregated bathrooms, Affirmative Action, minority contracts or scholarships, Title 9, Boys and Girl Scouts along with even mushier distinctions at clothing stores. Maybe all that would be a good thing but will it help us to perceive individuals as simply that- individuals- if it could help us in that direction perhaps all the confusion would be worth it.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Blaze Lee Starr

Forensic scientists in both United States and Great Britain have concluded that despite all appearances and consequences, DNA analysis of the two corpses proves that British Horror star Christopher Lee and world famous Baltimore stripper Blaze Starr were not the same person. Though family members, booking agents and fans across the globe threaten law suits and riots, Scotland Yard and the FBI stand by their claim that they were separate and individual human beings who probably never even met.

"You can't tell me that wasn't Chris with the leopard on his shoulder while wearing the cat spotted bikini at the 2 O'Clock Club," said Birgit Kroncke, Lee's wife of over fifty years. "I'd know his bosom anywhere."

"Christopher and I had no secrets from each other and he told me all about his affair with Louisiana Governor Long and Paul Newman when he was performing in New Orleans," she continued. "I think he was exaggerating about Jack Kennedy but even if he wasn't JFK was only a Senator at the time anyway."

"What happens in Baltimore stays in Baltimore is the motto," the widow concluded. "I loved Christopher Lee when he was Chris and when he was Blaze. Gender is just biology. We never let science come between us."

Fannie Belle Fleming aka Blaze Starr's relatives in West Virginia disagreed. "Fannie played all those monster roles in England. She was the greatest Dracula of the screen and how could a man play a Mummy?" asked sister Judy Fleming. "You could see that was Blaze under all those bandages in Curse of Frankenstein and the Mummy. You couldn't hide Blaze's curves under a circus tent."

President Obama weighed in on the controversy after his morning brief. "When celebrities die within a week of each other obviously they were the same person. Everybody understands that. Now I'm not sure about this DNA testing or the other molecular Voodoo our intelligence agencies have been trying to fool us with but let me say this: I honor Ms. Starr's service in the Special Forces of the Royal Air Force in World War 2 at the age of ten and no one on this Earth looked better wearing nothing but a rose than Christopher Lee."


P.S.
As a native Baltimorean I assure you that the only thing bigger than Blaze Starr's bosom was her heart. She led tiny neighborhood and church parades when invited and brought disabled veterans to her nightclub for special performances at her expense. She was not only the Queen of Burlesque, she was the Queen of Baltimore.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Scare Me, Christopher Lee


Sir Christopher Lee was declared dead last Sunday in a hospital in the Chelsea section of London. Being only 93 and not known to be suffering from sunlight or holy water poisoning, Scotland Yard suspects foul play was involved. Inspector X commented, "His sort are usually good for at least a millennium or two." The undead turned actor performed in 250 films- sometimes even playing a human- in a career that spanned over six decades.

Unlike Bela Lugosi who famously turned down the role of Frankenstein's Monster after creating a sensation as Dracula, Lee portrayed Drac, Frank and their Mummy along with many other of the most memorable villains of the past half century of film.  At 6'5", with piercing eyes and a Shakespearean voice, Lee menaced heroes from the blood and cleavage Hammer Horrors, to James Bond, Star Wars and the Hobbit. 

Serving in intelligence and the original Special Forces of the Royal Air Force during Britain's finest hour, Lee was knighted for his service to his country in both war and in film. He gained the grudging respect of Horror aficionados worldwide including yours truly portraying his monsters as tragic figures driven by their natures and suffering in isolation. He was the last of the great actors of Horror.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Bow Tie Daddy

So he still wears the greasy was beige in another life peaked cap with the smudge visor and a black leather bow tie- maybe it's just plastic- like Abbot and Costello or the Three Stooges working at a "service" station. His shoes could be a hundred years old or just unkept Doc Martins. When he puts his hands in his pockets you can see that his balls would be too big for a billiard table. And does he remember you.

So where are you from?

"Michigan."

The lake or Detroit?

"Just outside Motown."

You know Sydney?

"Right."

Big fanny.

"That's her. She used to walk around here like a girl with two legs. Grew up into some high heels. Pelvis chugging along the assembly line. Kissing boys and things in high school."

No.

"Oh yeah. That's Sydney. Right. Left. Up. Down. Any angle the Monkey can wrench. The fucking wench. Grew that chestnut hair down to her ass. Must of burned down two houses. Grandma's roll down stockings evaporated if she wiggled by. Grandma's big heeled orthopedics would follow in her footsteps. All the women's shoes did. She was the Pied Piper of women's shoes in this town. Womenfolk were ready to burn her down. Must have been a hundred possess formed by the gals but how far could they go in just flip flops and bunny slippers?"

She's in Baltimore now.

"Women know how to eat pussy in those blue collar towns."

She went to the Beatnik college and got her BFA.

"Blow job degree."

Bachelor of Fine Arts.

"Fellatio Arts. Cunnilingus and fellatio are the fine arts. Music and shit are just arts."

Agreed.

"She was all wet over FM when she lived here."

That hasn't changed. The big satin Valentine sets red hair afire.

"I don't think FM's even still alive."

Let's hope not. Even landlords die.

"I guess Syd hitched up."

Did and then blew the boob off and shack whacked a licky Greek girl I went to college with.

"Sappho a go go, huh? Makes sense. She was always melting dolls down with a magnifying glass and lighting fires between the boys pants pockets in July."

In July.

"When she was sixteen she could give you a sunburn just passing by."

In July.

"I shouldn't talk about her growing. Tales out of school. If we had danced together I wouldn't have a word on her. Just a smile and a wish her well."

Don Arrup
Satire1

Monday, May 25, 2015

In Memorium

Satire1 again suspends its wit this post in honor of those individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this blog and others like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Texas Falls to United States


President Obama announced on the flight deck of the USS Intrepid on the Hudson River "Mission Accomplished" as the Second Marine and 3rd Army divisions overran the Texas National Guard, Texas Rangers and hundreds of neighborhood militia groups to take the Lone Star State's capital in Austin. 

The Pentagon has rushed thousands of Spanish and Country speaking interpreters to deal with the civilian population in what is predicted to be a long occupation before the United Nations can install robotic brains in the inhabitants. White, heterosexual, Christian politicians, law enforcement officials and clergy are being executed in social media trials followed by firing squads using the accused's own firearms. 

All Texan children under the age of 10 are being rounded up and distributed to either gay or Muslim couples in the legal 49 States while minors 10 and over are being loaned out to nail salons across the country or to Mexico to pick crops . Former United States Senator and Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz was arrested for treason along with the rest of the Texas Congressional delegation.

As former Texas Governor Greg Abbott was lead out on the flight deck in chains, President Obama said above the roar of the crowd, "And maybe one day, perhaps even in our children's lifetime, the Stars and Stripes will fly over Delaware!"

Don Arrup
Satire1








Wednesday, May 6, 2015

NFL Rules Patriots Ball Deflation and Calls for Castration


Tom Brady's voice might change and affect his career in television commercials. 

Jim McNally, locker room attendant, and John Jastremski, equipment assistant, for the New England Patriots underwent acupuncture castration this morning under the treatment of Fu Manchu LAc. in the basement of Arthur's Steaks 8th Avenue in NYC. Super Bowl Most Valuable Player and quarterback for the Patriots Tom Brady will be "fixed" this afternoon.

The procedure was described by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as similar in effects to chemical castration used against rapists in Texas who elect the procedure rather than serve 20 year prison sentences. Mr. Brady and the two ball boys were offered no such choice and were alone found guilty of purposely deflating footballs during the Patriots 45 to 7 squeak past the Indianapolis Colts in the American League Conference Championships last season.

Dr. Fu Manchu, when not controlling world sex trafficking and opium trade, conducts acupuncture castration and herbal sex changes for celebrities and politicians across the globe. He explained: "Basically I'm doing to their balls what they did to the game balls in question. Sticking a pin in and letting out contents no pump will restore."

Commissioner Goodell believes Tom Brady chirping signals before the snap and sounding like Minnie Mouse at post game interviews will send a strong message to potential cheaters. "Hey, we've had no trouble scrambling brains for decades. What's the big deal with scrambling a few eggs?"

Don Arrup
Satire1