Triumphant Republicans returned to the Hill this week to begin the hard work of winning the 2018 and 2020 elections. While Democratic lawmakers crawled up the Capitol steps in the dark of morning to the few seats left to them, House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Bully Mitch (the mean bitch) McConnell conferred with their cronies on how to paint the White House white again.
“I’m from the sort of South,” said Senator McConnell. “Kentucky is the birthplace of Abraham Lincoln who fought our country’s bloodiest war in order to free the people from mandated health care.”
“Obamacare is the new slavery,” admitted Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “We take away everyone’s guns and pants and sit them on cots in emergency rooms because it is the only way to keep Americans safe in this age of terror and high rents.”
“I have no idea why we’re trying to cover people with previous conditions,” said Speaker Paul Ryan. “Healthcare is for broken legs and Viagra. Asking our doctors to try to keep people alive is ludicrous. I’ve crunched the numbers. Everybody dies.”
“Sixty per cent of our health care dollars go to people at the end of life and twenty per cent to those just born or soon to be,” said Former House Speaker Fancy Nancy Pelosi. “If you’re anywhere between our system is not for you.”
“I say we pass legislation tomorrow that makes cancer illegal.” said former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. “We did that with addictive drugs and look at the success we’ve enjoyed.”
“It’s time we took a lesson from the Chinese on how to handle health and medical complaints,” said former president Bill Clinton. “If something hurts or doesn’t work, they stick a needle in it. If that doesn’t work they just go on to bigger and bigger needles. It’s amazing how quickly people say they’re cured.”
“Medicare was legislated in 1965 when most people died in their mid sixties,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). “Social Security was passed in 35 when few lived long enough to be eligible. What the public fails to understand is that these programs were never intended to be used. There were there only for people stupid enough not to know when to croak.”