Thursday, February 26, 2015

Vaccinate Against Fear


The recent outbreak of measles in the United States points to a failure of both our national and local governments to educate parents as to the dangers both real and imagined regarding viruses, diseases and the process of vaccination.

The facts:
In 1914, France and England declared war on Germany and the Austrian-Hungarian Empire for promoting it's own version of the virus- the so called "German" measles (Rubella) which combines symptoms of both common measles (Rubeola) and the Mumps (Epidemic Parotitis). Kaiser Wilhelm reasoned that people of Germanic stock (Volk) were hardier and could get both common childhood afflictions over with at once and that the French were taking illegitimate credit for the "French" fry which everyone knew actually came out of Belgium. 

Four years and thirteen and half million bodies later the opposing nations peacefully decided to disagree and allowed viruses to cross borders so that children everywhere could enjoy nature's full bounty of pestilence. Ironically. in the midst of the Great War the Spanish Influenza killed twenty to fifty million- enough to excuse Spain from fighting in the next world war.

In the early 1960's scientists had developed an effective vaccine MMR which replaced the standard treatments of decapitation and body burning for measles and mumps. Within a decade the beheading of infected children around the world was replaced by two shots given in the first five years of life. The vaccine proved so effective that by the millennium any recent rise in childhood ailments was blamed on the MMR vaccine.

Opinions:
"Our children showed no signs of autism when the guillotine was the cure for mumps and measles. It stopped the spread dead and there were no side effects," said Medusa Robespierre of the Death To All Vaccinators Coalition. 

"I never liked chopping kids heads off but it sure beats the plagues of autism and attention deficit disorder we have today."

"If parents don't want their kids vaccinated then chop the kids heads off. The parents have lost their heads. Let the kids join them."

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Cry If You Want To

Lesley Sue Goldstein, the inventor of Bubblegum Lesbianism, died Monday of Lung Cancer in New York City. She was 68 years old. Lesley first became known to the public as the high school junior Lesley Gore who sang "It's My Party and I'll Eat Who I Want To" in 1963 which went to number one on the pop charts.

After the follow up hit "Judy Eat My Pie" she appeared on the 60's hit TV show Batman playing Pussycat, one of Catwoman's sex kittens who seduced Robin hot pants. Her high point was the lesbian/feminist anthem "You Don't Bone Me" which rode the charts at number 2 behind the Beatles "I Want To Hold Your Hand."

She was the secret Queen of North American Lesbians from her coronation in 1982 until her death. Her successor will be determined by bloodbath.

L Sue G
RIP

Don Arrup
Satire1

Friday, February 13, 2015

Vaginatine


Grandpaw Straw, what's the fuss girls make out of red candy day?

--Oh, Billy, they ache to honor righteous Vaginatine.

Is he the baby with the bow and thorn?

--No, Billy, that's too cute Cupid. Beware of him, Righteous Vaginatine was a Roman who crossed over to the cross and put on the big hat and hitched up young folks going to the big cats. 

He did this in a church?

--Wherever he was where young people wanted to marry. Even his fellow prisoners before his demise.

What did the bad guys do to him?

--They went clubbing on him but he was up for the party.

So how did he die?

--He lost his head like many a man do over love.

So Grandpaw Straw, what is this thing big people call love?

--Great big fuss. Huge box of chocolates and nobody knows what the chocolate hides. Some of them are kisses and some of them are lies. Soft music. Low lights. Then thunderclap lightning boom! What happened? Who am I?

That don't sound like fun, Grandpaw.

--I know, I know, but in a couple of years, Billy, girls will start looking like ice cream.

Happy Valentine's Day

Don Arrup
Satire1

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Agent Double "0" Popeye's Further Predictions For 2015


European Fuhrer Angel Mercules will divorce her second husband of sixteen years and elope with Russian Premiere Val Putin to Israel's West Bank to live as "declared" Palestinians until the Disney Bio pic they crave is made, is accurate and they accidentally murder each other fighting over who gets to shoot themselves first.

Governor Jerry Brown of California will resign his office to join the homeless in San Francisco "where the real action is." Governor Brown's last official act will be to declare 2015 the second "Summer of Love."

Rival news anchors will provide evidence of their history making exploits to match NBC's Brian William's fantasy helicopter flight. ABC's Diane Sawyer will try to prove she's a direct descendant of Mark Twain's Tom Sawyer and Bill O'Reilly will produce a selfie he took at Omaha Beach on D Day.

The New York Yankees will sign an expensive player.

Walmart will buy China. Mom and Pop Asian countries like North Korea and Thailand will close doors. Japan and South Korea will talk merger. 

The City of New Orleans will invite anyone infected with Ebola to the city to fight the decline in disaster tourism.

Colorado will vote to repeal the legalization of marijuana for recreational purposes but they won't be able to find the bill.

U.S. automakers will recall the rest of their manufacture.

Same sex marriage becomes legal in Missatucky, Mooslyvania, New Troy and Gotham. Let's wear capes!

Don Arrup
Satire1



















Sunday, February 1, 2015

Sportswriters Admit They Don't Know Who Will Win Super Bowl

*Part Two of Super Bowl Confidential

After writing over a half million articles, exposes and predictions on the National Football League's Super Bowl Championship game between the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots which plays today sportswriters from almost every newspaper and magazine have confessed that they don't know who will win and many are even threatening to watch the game before writing their post game analysis.

"This is a disaster for newspapers," said Lenore Nevermore, senior editor for the Baltimore News American. "On television you can get away with mumbling a handful of cliches that the public refuses to read even before the Pre Season is over. We print folk have to come up with a story."

"Sometimes the contest will provide that," claims Hermone Gastone who covers the Browns for Cleveland's Plain Dealer. "But most football games are just a bunch of mugs banging heads and somebody wins."

"I just published a four part expose on the officiating for Sports Illustrated," said Joe Boho. "I always said that the refs were paid off and here it turns out its the League that's writing the checks."

"Some of the cheerleaders are not virgins," an anonymous source who's good at getting laid said. "You have a few girls who are kicking up their legs like goalposts for anyone with a team logo T shirt."

"Assistant coaches in the NFL are just dogs," Rap Rapport of the Rap Rapport Sports Wrap Up said. "Even if you treat them to lunch you have to put their plate on the floor."

President Obama weighed in on the issue.
"I'm from Chicago where we can trust the teams to either throw or steal the game. Sports shouldn't be like the weather. It should be like our elections. Clean, fair and fixed. These sportswriters are getting as bad as my intelligence where we have to sit around and wait and see what unfolds. Now, the New England Patriots are dirty enough but the league keeps getting in their way. Seattle is just a bunch a thugs too but their coach looks like he used to model shirts. Used to be Americans could enjoy Super Bowl. Now it's just all one big tease."

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Deflate Gate In Perspective

*Part One of Super Bowl Confidential


With the National Football League's Super Bowl, the most watched sporting event and broadcast in the world, just days away, the investigation into the New England Patriots responsibility and perhaps even conspiracy to deflate balls used in their playoff games refuses to go away.

Satire1 in the spirit of good sportsmanship and fair play has interviewed leading historical figures on the controversy.

Al Capone
"Hey, I don't mind the Patriot's tight end going up the river for running his own Murder Incorporated but deflating the game balls is just out of line."

Captain Morgan
"I can understand Ray Rice punching his fiance and OJ murdering his ex and Vick drowning his dogs because that was family and should stay in the home but come game day you've got to show a little respect for the rules."

Dutch Schultz
"So what if the Saints coaches were paying off defensive players for injuring key opponents? That's just healthy competition. But dealing out dead balls in big games is Un-American."

Ted Kaczynski (The Unabomber)
"Squashing reports that your league's players are scrambling their brains in every game is just sound marketing but letting the air out of the rock is serious  business."

John Gotti
"The problem is that the players are taking all the drugs when it's the coaches that need them. I know what it's like to run a criminal organization."

John Wilkes Booth
"Look, Favre's phallic selfies, the Vikings Whoe Boat, drugs, DWIs, domestic violence, murders and Bountygate are fine but Belichick already had Spygate. Somebody ought to let the air out of his balls."

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saturday, January 24, 2015

State of Diunion


President Obama addressed Congress on the State of the Union for the sixth time Tuesday night. 

My fellow Americans,

The country is once again in a state of undeniable turmoil. The exceptional film Selma was not nominated for Academy Awards in directing, writing or acting. So Michelle and I invited the creator Ava DuVemay and David Oyelowo who sort of looks like Dr. King to the White House as a consolation prize.

As their limousine took them from the airport to the White House the driver thought he would swing our guests past some of the capital's sights including the Washington Monument. Mr. Oyelowo, a British citizen, thought the monument was a giant Klansman and forced the driver to smash the limo into the entrance of the obelisk. Fortunately, no one was hurt but Mr. Oyelowo was arrested for talking funny and overemphasizing his consonants. During his arraignment officers of the Metropolitan D.C. Police Department suspected Mr. Oyelowo of hiding an organ of generation in his trousers and restrained and de-pants him.

Prime Minister Cameron of the United Kingdom then exploited this misunderstanding to accuse its former colony and recent ally of impressing British actors to our shores in order to gain a competitive advantage in our entertainment industry and Public Television fund raising commercials. These accusations were made publicly on the floor of the Parliament where Mr. Cameron like all Members of Parliament enjoys immunity from Britain's strict defamation laws.

I have formally requested from Congress authorization to wage war against our former oppressor. Prime Minister Cameron's country has stolen our language, corrupted our community colleges, held down our minimum wage, scared us off from a single payer health care system, tried to ram a Canadian pipeline down our throats and flooded us with schmaltzy, sentimental soup operas that pass for intelligent programing. 

Through bad example and propaganda Great Britain relentlessly attempts to distort us into its own image. Wall Street, despite near wrecking the entire world's economy just seven years ago, continues to press Congress to deregulate our markets into the lawless pirate island London has been for years. Our regressive tax policy assures today's top earners will become the new American aristocracy while the majority of Americans slide deeper into stagnant wage serfdom. 

They even call soccer football! Have they no shame at all?

We can take these limeys. Our CIA has already aligned with several of the most powerful Irish and Scottish separatists and if we act now- we can turn this nagging mother country and her neighbors into the New Middle East. 

Now, I know you're saying who needs a new Middle East? We do. We can't do anything about the old Middle East. Nobody can and no one ever could. The Greeks, the Romans, Turks and then the English. All any of them ever did was make it worse.

So you're sitting at home, Mr. and Mrs. America and you're asking yourselves, 
what are you. Mr. President, going to do about the old Middle East? And I say this: We lied. We died. We tried. Now we are getting out of there. 

My Republican colleagues will say that leaving the Middle East in the midst of sectarian strife and civil war is a mistake but when have we ever done anything in the Middle East that wasn't a mistake? The Camp David Accords? Maybe. And even if that wasn't a mistake then we used up the one exception.

Don Arrup
Satire1