Thursday, May 12, 2016

We're Off To See

House elephants spun in the air
Landed thump in the land of Trump
Bottle blonde Elvis hair 
Broad shoulders 
Billionaire’s paunch
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

I am the great and powerful Winner
Whose saliva melted governors and senators
Made flying monkeys out of pundits and scribes
Of course we’ll build a wall on the border
The whole country will be my castle

I will give women the best deal
They can kiss my feet
While men must kiss my ass
This is progress
What makes America great

I will expel all the demons
You blame for your decline
Call them names
Trump up charges against them
Who better than Trump
To do this?

Click your heels together 
And pull the lever
Punch the card
Mark the box
And embrace the Winner
As we sail over the rainbow
Taking the straw out of Scarecrow

Don Arrup

Friday, April 29, 2016

Prince Pappas

Every other boy born in Baltimore, Maryland between the summer of 1955 and Christmas 1956 was sired by Milt Pappas. Though both the New York Times and Baltimore Sun chose to highlight his career pitching in major league baseball in his obituary, ignoring his amazing feat of  propagation, the Baltimore chapter of the Sons of Milt has finally voted to acknowledge and honor their father who is already in two halls of fame.

Milt was born the seven thousand four hundred and second son of “Poppy” Pappas who singlehandedly repopulated Greece and Macedonia as the Second World War drew to a close.
Of his quarter to a half million siblings only Milt and perhaps a dozen others were known to carry the fire seed. The much less occurring daughters- Milt’s half sisters- bore on average just under sixteen babies each. “He fucks like the Bible,” was by far the most popular answer as to his universal promiscuity.

Milt’s third career as a Minnesota minority singing sensation continued through his faux infection and autopsy. “He looked much younger and a hell of a lot shorter as an African American,” said Boog Powell, the Hall of Fame first basemen for the Baltimore Orioles who played with Milt in the 60’s and stayed in touch after Papas was traded to Cincinnati. “He never spoke of his transracial choice but had such success as a singer/songwriter/clotheshorse that the Twin Cities adopted him even though he shut out their baseball team in numerous match ups.”

When Boog was asked about Milt’s Uber Pater past, Boog just shook his head. “I played with studs who had a different woman waiting for them after every game but Milt had one scratching for him after every inning. If he wasn’t at bat he was hitting home runs.”

“If he knocked up half as many women after People magazine came out he would have been hit with a class action paternity suit bigger than what Big Tobacco faced. I showered with the guy. His balls were bigger than oranges. And he went to the Block and got that love symbol tattooed on his butt in 1964.”

Sportswriters and music critics alike adored Prince Milt and many to this day consider him a credit to both races. “I don’t know whether I liked him better on the mound with his control pitching or strumming his guitar to Purple Rain.” said President Obama. “He has to be the greatest double threat in rhythm and baseball the world has ever seen and the world is poorer for his loss.”

Don Arrup

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Go To The Bathroom

The Tar Heels of the University of North Carolina lost the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship Monday when the Wildcats of Villanova drove, passed, picked and shot a three pointer in the less than five seconds remaining. The top seed had fallen and the referees were agents of the LGBTIA.

When the city of Charlotte, NC passed extended protections for transgenders to begin in April, the state’s General Assembly held a special session to pass House Bill 2 known widely as The Bathroom Bill restricting local governments from expanding any anti-discrimination laws from minimum wage to bathroom choice. The governor signed the bill that night.

State legislators, confident that the Carolina belles had seen to it that the tallest of Tar Heels were fully hetrosexualized, completely neglected the referees who control the games. Lesbians right off the covers of dime novels and transgenders from science fiction and Greek mythology flocked to the ranks of zebra stripes when they saw that their contribution to sports wasn’t respected. As soon as the first tip off the scales began to swish.

Carolina’s aggressive close style of defense was being neutralized by refs who protected the Wildcats like they were their own teenage daughters. The lightest Tar Heel touch drew the whistle and free throws from the line. UNC’s legendary coach Roy Williams protested the obvious favoritism at first but relented at half time after a visit to the locker room. 

Since Monday night Coach Williams has refused to challenge the officiating or offici-hating as many Tar Heel fans have come to refer to it. Sports writers from across the land have filled their columns on just what might have happened.

Clem Boy, Kansas Kalender 
“Coach Williams coached Kansas for years and we don’t assign gender to bathrooms here. They’re all just a bucket in a tiny shed anyway.”

Legitt Pert, Los Angeles Bugle
“If Carolinians are concerned about bathrooms wait till gender bending comes to Title IX.”

Diff Fuse, NYC Small Towner
“I think all basketball is gay. Women’s might be bisexual. Nobody’s sure. It was more obvious in the 70’s with the hot pants. Now its all about the shoes. I mean shoes, really.”

Ash Hole, Chicago Daily Planet
“NC went down to a great play by a black guy and a white guy working in a harmony that at one time only Martin Luther King could dream of. But when you get to the bathroom there is no dream. In the bathroom there is only reality. But even there, or especially there, we’re all the same.”

Don Arrup

Friday, April 1, 2016

On The Stump With Trump

Donald Trump addressing the...

National Congress of American Indians
“Not if but when I’m elected the first order of the first day is to begin the deportation of these mongrel European Americans. I will probably need both terms to get out the over 200 million pale faces but once we start the original illegal immigrants will be out of here by 2022 at the latest and finally, after four centuries it will be America for Americans again under a Donald Trump presidency.”

National Organization for Women
“Listen to me. Hillary is not the guy for you. Hillary is a man in a wig and pants suit. Has the same junk down there that I have. He- I really do feel sorry for him- is just some poor transgender woman wannabe before it was popular- before David Bowie wore makeup on his album covers- who got a minority gender scholarship to Wellesley and got to say a few words when he graduated.”

“If Billary- that’s much closer to his name at birth- wants to see my tax return, fine. Fine. I’ll bring my tax return and drop it right in front of the camera when he drops his pants.”

Fort Bennington, Georgia
“I’ve already swept your state in the primary so for once I can speak my mind. You soldiers should be ashamed of yourselves. America doesn’t send her sons and daughters to foreign shores to tidy up a little and smooth out the sheets. American taxpayers- your bosses- expect you to make a tidal wave of blood that will clean out any conflict- religious or political, economic or geographic, real or imagined- with the barrel of your guns. So why are you sitting here when there are still Muslims walking the streets of the Middle East? ”

U.S. Council of Muslim Organizations
“You can’t tell me about Jews. I live in New York- which along with Miami and Hollywood are the real Israel. That little tourist colony in Palestine you’re always getting your turbans bunched up into a fatwa about is just a marker for a couple of temples so Judaism can stay in the top three.”

“You guys fight over Palestine like it was beach front property instead of endless desert. Obviously, God doesn’t like any of you anymore. It’s not the Holy Land anymore. God’s out of there. Jesus would rather be dead. And ladies, if you had hair as great as mine you wouldn’t cover it with a scarf.”

 Mexican American Political Association
“Through prohibitive taxation and bayonets we’ll push all the gringos into the MidWest and Dakotas. Mexico can take back Texas which voted for the liar anyway and New Mexico will return to old Mexico. Then I’ll top it off with the grandest Trump Super Casa right along the wall we’ll build to keep the gringos out.”

National Association for the Advancement of Colored People
“I’m not white. Jeb Bush was the white guy. The white guy is done. I’m the gold guy. Look at my name on my buildings. Fourteen karat. And I’m putting my name on the walls we’re going to build around our inner cities to keep the Korean grocers out. The foreigners charging you two bits a banana and near a buck an apple. They’re the ones forcing you into McDonald’s and killing you with diabesity so they can buy up your houses and sell them to the Chinese.”

Asian American Alliance
“A Jew, two Hispanics, a Mormon, a billionaire- me, a woman and a black guy are taking or have taken their shot at being the President of the United States. Where’s the Asian? The whole world is running for president. There’s got to be an Asian. And there is, ladies and gentlemen. I’m from Queens which has practically been an Asian country for twenty years.” 

Don Arrup

Satire1 begins its ninth year of documenting the demise of intelligent life on Earth. Thank you readers.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Duke Patty Duke Revisited

Dear Folks, 

Satire1 laments the passing of one of the great child/youth stars of the 1960's, Anna Marie Duke known to the world as Patty Duke. We celebrated her groundbreaking portrayal of Helen Keller as a girl in 2014 which we share with you again here.

The Senate appointed special task force to determine the relationship between John Wayne and Anna Marie "Patty" Duke will deliver its findings to the full Senate on the morning of Friday, April 25th. Though the Senate Intelligence Committee meetings dealing with the controversy have been closed to the public, Satire1, through a discrete and corrupt source, has bought iPhone photographs of the chairwoman's secretary's notes. Since shorthand is not a set language or code, some guessing is involved in translating any given stenographer's hand.

--A twelve year search through internet data bases, police, newspaper and magazine files, movie memorabilia stores and family members of the stars in question by the Federal Bureau of Investigation has yet to produce one photograph of the actors John "The Duke" Wayne and "Patty" Duke together.

-- Both "Dukes" were at the height of their careers in 1963 when Patty received her Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress for her portrayal of Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker.

--The FBI searches combined with the Central Intelligence Agency's oversea searches and the National Security Agency's searches of the rest of our solar system have yet to produce one single photograph of John Wayne and Anne Bancroft together.

--With the exception of Mel "Muscles" Brooks, the widower of Ms. Bancroft, no one who knew Patty and Anne and John appears to still be alive. Everyone suspected of knowing all three either committed questionable suicide or died in a mudslide in the midst of California's record drought.

--Rumors that John Wayne took over the role of Anne Sullivan in the filming of The Miracle Worker in New Jersey in 1962 were widely ignored in the press and by Hollywood Gossip columnists due to pressure from the Academy which saw the role as belonging exclusively to actresses. Van Johnson's stepping in for Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes in all the song sequences a decade earlier was still scandalizing Europe and the Middle East where American diplomats are still asked just who is a diamond's best friend.

--Patty's identical "cousin" Cathy in The Patty Duke Show was supposed to be a trick of wigs, stand ins and double exposure filming and was credited to Patty Duke was in fact an Irish Republican Army hit woman wanted by both Britain's MI5 and Interpol for international murder and terrorism. Her close resemblance to the actress was further exploited by plastic surgery and evil make up artistry. Cathy aka Katherine "Deadeye" Henehan adjusted her accent just enough to pass as an American teenager trying to do the Scottish brogue the script called for. 

--John Wayne, who joined the IRA cause during his filming of The Quiet Man some years earlier was thought to have sired both the Irish and American "cousins" who were actually half sisters as part of his and John Ford's conspiracy to populate a future Celtic takeover of the English speaking world. 

--Just seven months after Patty Duke and John Wayne/Anne Bancroft won Best Supporting and Best Actress at the Oscars, John Kennedy, the only American president of Irish descent up until that time, who had refused to support the Celtic Generational Conspiracy, was assassinated in Dallas, Texas by Lee Harvey Oswald, a known fan of the Patty Duke Show.

Don Arrup

Friday, March 18, 2016

Trump University Core Curriculum

Have a Rich Daddy 101

Have a Rich Daddy in Real Estate 201

Have a Rich Daddy in Real Estate with Powerful Friends 310

Introduction to Shamelessness 103

Advanced Shamelessness 410

Corporate Rockabilly Hair Styling (Elective)

New York City Charm & Etiquette

Pass the Buck Accounting

Fudge Contracts

Minute Print

Bankruptcy as Strategy

Buying Influence

Marriage as Strategy


Don Arrup

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Trump Will Deport Irish Americans First

In a surprise announcement today on the Feast of Saint Patrick at the grandstand of the famous 5th Avenue Parade in Manhattan, Donald Trump announced that the first immigrants to go when he becomes president would be the “the bottom dregs of Euro Trash Irish and their illegal descendants.” 

The announcement drew a Bronx Cheer from the crowd which Trump invited to “kiss my Blarney Stones.” Trump went on to explain that New York City’s government had been hijacked by Tammany Hall pirates, the ISIS of the Nineteenth Century, to suck in the greenest scum of the Emerald Isle and that their Catholic Caliphate still controlled the Big Apple and much of Washington D.C.

“They’ve appointed two dictators over us in the last half century. One for each party!” referring to presidents Kennedy and Reagan. “Their wives of God were walking around hospitals and teaching schools in burqas for Christ’s sake.”

“A lot of my Republican rivals try to canonize Reagan even though he fought relentlessly to get your tax dollars to pay for these private madrasas named after poor people and criminals who died under torture. We’re Americans. We hate poor people. Poor people try to make everyone else poor.”

When reminded by a reporter that he was an ardent Notre Dame football fan Trump replied: “Of course if you live in godforsaken Indiana you’re going to hang out at a French broad’s school and drink beer and knock heads.”

Reporters pressed the Republican frontrunner to deny Irish American contributions to the country and Trump asked them when was the last time they ate in an Irish restaurant. “If you don’t drink whiskey or beer you’re down to potatoes and mutton.”

Since Americans claiming at least some Irish ancestry number over 33 million the deportation could take time. “And we’ll need to build a wall along the Atlantic Ocean and make England pay for it.”

Don Arrup