Saturday, January 14, 2017

Nobamacare

Triumphant Republicans returned to the Hill this week to begin the hard work of winning the 2018 and 2020 elections. While Democratic lawmakers crawled up the Capitol steps in the dark of morning to the few seats left to them, House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Bully Mitch (the mean bitch) McConnell conferred with their cronies on how to paint the White House white again. 

“I’m from the sort of South,” said Senator McConnell. “Kentucky is the birthplace of Abraham Lincoln who fought our country’s bloodiest war in order to free the people from mandated health care.”

“Obamacare is the new slavery,” admitted Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “We take away everyone’s guns and pants and sit them on cots in emergency rooms because it is the only way to keep Americans safe in this age of terror and high rents.”

“I have no idea why we’re trying to cover people with previous conditions,” said Speaker Paul Ryan. “Healthcare is for broken legs and Viagra. Asking our doctors to try to keep people alive is ludicrous. I’ve crunched the numbers. Everybody dies.”

“Sixty per cent of our health care dollars go to people at the end of life and twenty per cent to those just born or soon to be,” said Former House Speaker Fancy Nancy Pelosi. “If you’re anywhere between our system is not for you.”

“I say we pass legislation tomorrow that makes cancer illegal.” said former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. “We did that with addictive drugs and look at the success we’ve enjoyed.”

“It’s time we took a lesson from the Chinese on how to handle health and medical complaints,” said former president Bill Clinton. “If something hurts or doesn’t work, they stick a needle in it. If that doesn’t work they just go on to bigger and bigger needles. It’s amazing how quickly people say they’re cured.”

“Medicare was legislated in 1965 when most people died in their mid sixties,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). “Social Security was passed in 35 when few lived long enough to be eligible. What the public fails to understand is that these programs were never intended to be used. There were there only for people stupid enough not to know when to croak.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Friday, December 23, 2016

Yuletide Tales 16

--Grandpaw Straw, who was this Amahl and what were these Night Visitors who visited him?

Well, Little Billy, Amahl was a little cripple boy whose widowed mother’s health insurance didn’t cover his previous condition. The Night Visitors were Senators from the swamp between Maryland and Virginia who were following the radio star Limbaugh’s directions to a tower in New York City bearing gifts to the baby Donald.

--What happened to Amahl?

Amal and his mother were beaten to death with Amal’s crutch by the Senators because they were not lobbyists.

--And who’s this Scrooge fellow I’m always hearing about this time of year?

Hillary Scrooge was a former Senator who ran a gigantic foundation that sucked the life’s blood out of every charitable heart it fooled. 

--I heard Hillary was the cheapest skate that every lived.

With her own money true but no one could spend the people’s money like Hillary Scrooge. There was not a black hole in the country or the entire solar system she would not sink the Treasury into and claim as part of her sainthood.

--Didn’t ghosts come after her when she was trying to sleep?

Her old partner Bill spooked her first and told of the three to follow. The Ghost of Floozies Past, Bernie Sanders Claus and the Ghost of Continuing Investigations made for a long Eve.

--Did Tim’s dad at least get a raise?

Bob Cratchit’s bookkeeping job was lost to Microsoft Office and an online accounting service out of Ireland.

--And Tiny Tim? Did he ever walk again?

Not before he was trampled to death in Times Square under the heels of a He’s Not My President rally.

--How about Rudolph? Will he lead Santa’s sleigh team tonight?

I’m afraid not, Billy. Even though his red nose is due to a genetic abnormality Santa simply doesn’t have the time on Christmas Eve to be pulled over for sobriety tests in every burg he rolls through.

--You mean the police don’t trust Santa Claus?

Santa moves a lot of goods and services without taxation and violates sacred trade deals. Obama pledged to end the magic and miracle economy and to his credit he has had some success putting that genii back into the bottle.

--But Grandpaw Straw, it sounds like Christmas will never be the same.

Christmas never was the same, Billy. The best thing about the past is it’s over. You can trim, hang, send, wrap and sing and still you have to wait for Christmas to just bite you in the ass. Hanukkah and Kwanzaa too.  

--But Grandpaw, what about New Year’s?

What’s new about it?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Friday, December 16, 2016

Russian Prez Elect Trump Denies CIA Helped Him

After discussing plans to minefield their border against immigration from the former Soviet satellite countries, Demetri Trump dismissed reports in the capitalist press that Russian intelligence has evidence of American Central Intelligence tampering with his election.

“Hey, we fix our own elections here, thank you,” Trump said. “The Americans can’t even manage an honest election let alone a fixed one.”

Russian Enterprise Institute experts Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale agreed.

“We don’t have any of this secret ballot and shameful booth. Our elections are most open and free,” said Badenov. 

“The table, pen and ballot box is right out in the open in front of the firing squad where everybody can see.” Ms. Fatale added.  

“In America, everything is rigged- elections, courts, Wall Street, junior proms. It’s all the big fix,” said Trumpov. “In Russia, the will of the people is supreme and they want me to make all the decisions so I bow to the will of the people.”

Both Boris and Natasha used to work for the former Red House occupants Clintoffs (who they refer to as Moose and Squirrel) but switched allegiances when their new Fearless Leader emerged. “Trumposki will make Mother Russia great again,” boasted Boris. “We have an army of spies and soldiers and plenty of nukes. Diplomacy is for losers.”

“That is why Fearless Pompadour has appointed Russia’s top pump jockey to be Foreign Minister,” Natasha snarled, referring to black market energy mobster and Godfather of X-ON, Rox Tillev. “All he needs now is some backwater clown to be Energy Minister. The Red Army and KGBeen will take care of everything else.”

Don Arrup
Satire1


Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Turd Party

Jill Stein, Green Party candidate for the Presidency of the United States, only needs 270 electoral votes to surpass Trump and Clinton. Since accepting the results of elections has become un-American this millennium, Ms. Stein is calling for and getting recounts in several states. Satire1 offers a variety of views on the subject.

Donald Trump
“The whole election was fixed. Jill Stein was screwed. She definitely won a few states, Tenhio, Virginisee, New Calichusettes at the very least.”

Hillary Clinton
“I can see how even a turd party candidate who might have cost me a couple of states might feel herself not properly evaluated or calculated. In respect to her right to challenge the results my campaign will contribute 247 lawyers and 827 million in cash to encourage an inquiry we don’t actually condone.”

Woman at Hartsdale Road and Loch Raven Boulevard 
“I’m a Democrat and I voted for Hillary but Jill was right on Clinton’s heels and 63 and a half million votes either way could have given us a Green President.”

Joe Patagonia, Owner of Whoosebot (a Chow Collie)
“I think we need a president who can sing. Or at least dance. I hope Trump hires some song writers or a choreographer instead of the same old speechwriters. Peggy Noonan just makes too  much sense and nobody wants that. Nothing in the entire world makes sense anymore so what is Peg talking about?”

Another Woman at Hartsdale and Loch Raven
“Why doesn’t Trump grab my bundle? Why does a perfectly healthy rich American celebrity order in skinny foreign bitches for wives? Somebody didn’t suck his dick in high school.”

Dick Hurtz D.D.S.
“Stein just can’t believe a woman couldn’t win it this time and I’m with her. Hillary couldn’t overcome a caveman and a Communist? What do we need to change? The solar system?”

Jack Kack, mortician and squash player
“I can’t believe the parties and the media don’t get it. The losing party wins. Their voters stay upset and write checks and fill the bitchdrome while the supposed winners have to try to actually govern this mobacracy and build something out of the diarrhea they’ve been selling.”

Gertrude Slime, ?
“The White House Press Corps is afraid they’re going to lose their jobs to Twitter. Trump only has four words for you that he’ll be using for the next four years- we’re working on it.”

Chloe Towtown, graduate student and excessive masturbator
“Jill Stein definitely won. Hillary Clinton didn’t get any votes. She just got some anti-Trump votes. Donald Trump didn’t get any votes. He just got anti-Hillary votes. Jill is the only candidate who actually had voters vote for her. We can’t count the negative votes. Besides, there’s too many of them.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Trump Says He Will Not Pardon Turkeys

As a part of his hard on fowl policy, President Elect Trump claims that he will not pardon turkeys  when Thanksgiving approaches once he is in office. “President Obama has no problem throwing another bird on the farm welfare system but when I take office it will be the oven for all gobblers.”

Citing the deep sadness he experienced when he first encountered starving Harvard students, Trump swore that he would leave no drumstick unturned until every fattened bird was roasted on the third Thursday of November. 

The “original illegal aliens” as the President Elect refers to Native Americans, Trump holds responsible for bringing the bird from the Middle East to the Americas. “This continent was a clean continent before the Indians brought that Muslim bird here from the Ottoman Empire. This land was a paradise before they came here with their credit default swaps and pay day loans.”

Though the President Elect doesn’t blame the birds for the complete collapse of our entire economy and society he points out that their flesh was the second largest contributor to the white meat mania of just a decade ago. “Both the right wing and liberal press constantly accused me of supporting White Meat Supremacy during my campaign. I eat red meat and yellow, hot dogs are terra-cotta, blue fish, grey octopus and barbecue black. I’m multi-carnivore. Tell all the animals. You come here. We’ll eat you. It’s not a problem.”

Pressed by the press the President Elect confessed that the only turkey he would consider pardoning would be Hillary Clinton.

Happy T Bird Day

Don Arrup
Satire1

Monday, November 7, 2016

The Last Poll

Democrats over 40

1) Elizabeth Warren
2) George Clooney 
3) Michelle Obama
4) Bernie Sanders
5) Stalin
6) Satan
7) Hillary Clinton

Republicans over 40

1) Ted Cruz
2) Peggy Noonan
3) Jesus Christ
4) Newt Gingrich
5) Adolf Hitler
6) Paul Ryan
7) Donald J Trump
8) Sarah Palin

Democrats under 40

1) Bernie Sanders
2) Justin Bieber
3) Bernie Sanders
4) Elizabeth Warren
5) Jane O’Meara Sanders
6) Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg
7) Batman

Republicans under 40

1) Paul Ryan
2) Alexander Hamilton
3) Pope Francis
4) Hillary Clinton
5) Adam Smith
6) Abraham Lincoln
7) Donald J Trump

Vote

Don Arrup
Satire1

Monday, October 31, 2016

Fright Night 2016

FRIGHT NIGHT 2016

The real Fright Night 2016 is Tuesday, November 8 but in observance of Halloween and the horrors to come next week Fox News and MSNBC run their holiday specials.

Fox News

6pm     A Fistful of Hello

8pm     Return of the Regulator

10pm    The Devil Wears Pantsuits 

12am    Saving Private Equity

2am     Trumptanic 


MSNBC

6pm     The Trumpford Wives

8pm     Shadow of the Co Pay

10pm    The Server in the Cellar

12pm    Not Another Bimbo

2am      Not Another Weiner!

Don Arrup
Satire1