Thursday, February 23, 2017

Pubic Television

As the Grand Old Party is once again licking it chops over the defunding of NEA (Nepotism Endowment of the Arts) and PBS (Public Bullshit System) Channel 13 here in New Jersey/York and WNEA in Beantown are putting themselves through a furious make over to draw more viewers and donations. 

Satire1 secured a list of what were Public Television’s top rated shows and how they’ll be reworked before spring.

Antique Road Show will become Antique Road Whoe
Join Sassy and Pussi as they travel to our country’s longest active whoe walks from San Fransisco’s Tenderloin District to Baltimore’s Block. Interviews with streetwalkers and fur capped pimps mixed with reviews of local cuisine offered at back wagon restaurants and hot dog stands on the strips.

And to get the inside scoop watch as This Old House morphs into This Whore House where Bertha and Mooshie give tours of the country’s grandest and longest established brothels. Tips from experts in every perversion make TWH the must watch compliment to ARW for those who think fun!

For top notch investigative journalism you can’t beat Frontline as it goes undercover under the covers in Downline. You won’t have to wait for impeachment trials or Senate investigations as top reporters get the low down on who’s going down on who in D.C. 

Washington Week in Review will become Washington Week Confidential as the panel of clueless columnists and reporters are replaced with real deal sharing Madams and blackmailing ex-staff members filling in the blanks between Downline’s historic revelations. 

For the kiddies Sesame Street turns the corner to Sexame Street
Big Bird retires and is replaced by Big Boobs, a yellow haired Puerto Rican Stripper and her lovely friends the Nookie Monster and Oscar who always has his face buried in someone.

The whole family can enjoy when Nature becomes Raw Nature which puts a little more emphasis on the reproductive activities of animals and some of the unique relationships they can develop with lonely farmers and zoologists. 

Military and history buffs will be thrilled when Secrets of the Dead matures into Sex Secrets of the Dead taking us under the uniforms of famous generals and dictators while the new American Sexperience does the same with our past leaders, inventors and captains of industry.

No Sunday night would be complete without Masterpiece Porno which moves from the stuffy 19th century centric of the BBC to Danish Television’s naughty network hits. For America’s own catch updated Great Performances X featuring the most endowed and flexible copulatory artistes from the 50 states.

Just as you enjoyed the stories of the writers, musicians and visual and performing artists on American Masters who brought so much pleasure to all the world, you’ll enjoy American Masturbators who brought so much pleasure to themselves. 

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Only the Lonely

As it is once again rub loneliness in the face of the unattached day, Satire1 celebrates the misery of the rejected and overlooked with a review of the latest and most honest dating apps that have digitally replaced chance, romance, concerned friends and springtime nights. So for you readers who are (un)happily configured a look at the current madness that replaced the familiar madness and for you, like I, adrift alone in the sea of love push up your bras, sew that roll of quarters into your pants pocket and brave the new world.

XRITENOW.COM
Fastest growing dating app known for asking only two questions in its profile: where and how soon you can get there. Recommended for singles new to the dating app scene as it dispenses with the awkward vertical aspect of courtship.

SPANKER.EDU
Collegiate service that connects local campus dorms in a Saturday night love lottery, Friday night   pot luck hookup and Thursday night shit face. Started up by two sophomores at MIT who couldn’t quite get the hang of masturbation.

THATSNOTASALUTEBUTILIKEIT.COM
Offers military personnel safe havens where they can cross ranks for hand to hand close quarters orifice invasions and delayed defenses. Popular with the overseas deployed and the stateside encamped.

CELLMATES.COM
Allows inmates in the same big house to secure rendezvouses in cafeteria and shower corners in off hours for picking at the lock your mama gave you.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Liberal Concerns

Satire1 spent the weekend talking to marching women, prancing men and sugar drunk children about what might concern them about the new Administration. 

“The first executive order Trump signed allows the federal government to enslave any non-citizen while the IRS is intercepting remittances and redirecting the funds to the South Border wall to be built by the newly enslaved.”

“Trump wears low rise bell bottomed jeans when he’s alone with family in his tower.”

“The new president is brokering a grand bargain in the North Carolina trans bathroom rights controversy. Complete equality. Nobody goes to the bathroom.”

“He’s selling ad space on the newly minted twenties and petitioning corporations to fund a boob job for the Statue of Liberty so it looks more like First Trophy Melania.”

“Trump’s re-brainwashing Obama’s secret Muslim Army into peroxide patrols that hunt down immigrants and model bashers. Landlords will soon replace mayors and county execs while the banks take over the states. The plan’s called Trumpification.”

“After Putin moves into the United Nations headquarters from where he will run the United States and Europe, he will direct the Trump and Judy Show at Rockefeller Center which promises to be the biggest hit since Howdy Doody.”

“Second Amendment protections will be extended to armored vehicles, tanks and nuclear weapons. Nukes will require a background check with waits as long as two hours depending on the credit agency.”

“Many of the heads of state and other foreign dignitaries who attended the inaugeration complained that Trump greeted them only with a handshake instead of the crotch grab he gives to those he really likes.”

“Trump has already referred to America’s children as our most precious resource and now he’s moving to nationalize the wombs and vaginas of our citizens through a repeal of Roe vs Wade.”

“Trump said the best way to curb corruption is to raise the price to where only those who already own the whole world can afford it.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Trump's Original Short List

Satire1 once again scoops big media in obtaining now President Donald Trump’s original short list for his cabinet and national security appointments before the RNC bigwigs spanked him up.

Secretary, Director or Administrator of

Labor
Simon Legree, northern who moved to rural Louisiana to improve race and labor relations on plantations. Good friend of Representative Uncle Tom.

Environmental Protection Agency
Godzilla, native of the Sea of Japan originally made headlines protesting nuclear power and weapons. A bit hard on cities but will fight valiantly against Big Oil, Big Chemical, Monsanto and Mothra.

Attorney General
Perry Mason, a Los Angeles defense attorney renown for getting murderers off, particularly well endowed widows and molls.

Treasury
Ebenezer Scrooge, British, inherited partner Jacob Marely’s half of London’s premier investment bank. Rumors he is haunted by his past, present and future indiscretions.

Education
Jethro Bodine, nephew of Ozark oil tycoon Jed Clampett, jet set hillbilly and international entrepreneur rube. Loves “book learn’n.”

White House Chief of Staff
Cosmo Kramer, trend setting hipster doofus and unemployed man of a thousand talents. Instrumental in keeping sanity out of comedian Jerry Seinfeld’s life. Can get crazy with the N word.

Project Engineer of South Border Wall
Fred Flintstone, CEO Yabba Dabba Do Construction. Had hand in Stonehenge and Pyramids. Known for very individual style of business attire. Will need to wear pants. 

Veteran’s Affairs
G.I. Joe, veteran action figure from early Vietnam era thru current wars on terror. Has served in every branch of service including Coast Guard. Taciturn, stiff but never blinks in the face of adversity. Not expected to do well at hearing.

Energy
Rip Van Winkle, Upper State New York. Will need to be up on latest technology and challenges. Rumored to be twenty years behind the times.

Housing and Urban Development
Big Bad Wolf, infamous New York slum lord who treats his tenants like pigs. Like Trump, BBW huffs and puffs but rarely blows anything solid down.

Agriculture
Jolly Green Giant, frozen and canned vegetable pioneer. Former basketball star at WhatsAMatta U and in decades long litigation with Santa Claus over trademark Ho Ho Ho. Will also need to wear pants.

Health and Human Services
Dr. Victor Frankenstein, native of Germany known for innovations in transplant surgery and whose laboratory was first to employ hunchbacks, grave robbers and other minorities.

National Security Advisor
Henny Penny aka Chicken Little predicted the 9/11 attack early on the morning of the disaster. Says the sky is falling everyday but Turkey Lurkey and  Goosey Loosey swear Henny was especially emphatic the morning of the terrorist attack. 

State
Hillary Clinton. Hey, she needs a job.

Defense
Benedict Arnold, founding deadbeat father. Commanded West Point Fort before cutting a deal with corporate raider redcoats. Took his taxes overseas. Must be made to understand britches are not real pants.

Homeland Security
Captain America, patriot, super hero. Iconic shield ineffective against lawyers, hackers and microbes. 

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Nobamacare

Triumphant Republicans returned to the Hill this week to begin the hard work of winning the 2018 and 2020 elections. While Democratic lawmakers crawled up the Capitol steps in the dark of morning to the few seats left to them, House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Bully Mitch (the mean bitch) McConnell conferred with their cronies on how to paint the White House white again. 

“I’m from the sort of South,” said Senator McConnell. “Kentucky is the birthplace of Abraham Lincoln who fought our country’s bloodiest war in order to free the people from mandated health care.”

“Obamacare is the new slavery,” admitted Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “We take away everyone’s guns and pants and sit them on cots in emergency rooms because it is the only way to keep Americans safe in this age of terror and high rents.”

“I have no idea why we’re trying to cover people with previous conditions,” said Speaker Paul Ryan. “Healthcare is for broken legs and Viagra. Asking our doctors to try to keep people alive is ludicrous. I’ve crunched the numbers. Everybody dies.”

“Sixty per cent of our health care dollars go to people at the end of life and twenty per cent to those just born or soon to be,” said Former House Speaker Fancy Nancy Pelosi. “If you’re anywhere between our system is not for you.”

“I say we pass legislation tomorrow that makes cancer illegal.” said former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. “We did that with addictive drugs and look at the success we’ve enjoyed.”

“It’s time we took a lesson from the Chinese on how to handle health and medical complaints,” said former president Bill Clinton. “If something hurts or doesn’t work, they stick a needle in it. If that doesn’t work they just go on to bigger and bigger needles. It’s amazing how quickly people say they’re cured.”

“Medicare was legislated in 1965 when most people died in their mid sixties,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). “Social Security was passed in 35 when few lived long enough to be eligible. What the public fails to understand is that these programs were never intended to be used. There were there only for people stupid enough not to know when to croak.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Friday, December 23, 2016

Yuletide Tales 16

--Grandpaw Straw, who was this Amahl and what were these Night Visitors who visited him?

Well, Little Billy, Amahl was a little cripple boy whose widowed mother’s health insurance didn’t cover his previous condition. The Night Visitors were Senators from the swamp between Maryland and Virginia who were following the radio star Limbaugh’s directions to a tower in New York City bearing gifts to the baby Donald.

--What happened to Amahl?

Amal and his mother were beaten to death with Amal’s crutch by the Senators because they were not lobbyists.

--And who’s this Scrooge fellow I’m always hearing about this time of year?

Hillary Scrooge was a former Senator who ran a gigantic foundation that sucked the life’s blood out of every charitable heart it fooled. 

--I heard Hillary was the cheapest skate that every lived.

With her own money true but no one could spend the people’s money like Hillary Scrooge. There was not a black hole in the country or the entire solar system she would not sink the Treasury into and claim as part of her sainthood.

--Didn’t ghosts come after her when she was trying to sleep?

Her old partner Bill spooked her first and told of the three to follow. The Ghost of Floozies Past, Bernie Sanders Claus and the Ghost of Continuing Investigations made for a long Eve.

--Did Tim’s dad at least get a raise?

Bob Cratchit’s bookkeeping job was lost to Microsoft Office and an online accounting service out of Ireland.

--And Tiny Tim? Did he ever walk again?

Not before he was trampled to death in Times Square under the heels of a He’s Not My President rally.

--How about Rudolph? Will he lead Santa’s sleigh team tonight?

I’m afraid not, Billy. Even though his red nose is due to a genetic abnormality Santa simply doesn’t have the time on Christmas Eve to be pulled over for sobriety tests in every burg he rolls through.

--You mean the police don’t trust Santa Claus?

Santa moves a lot of goods and services without taxation and violates sacred trade deals. Obama pledged to end the magic and miracle economy and to his credit he has had some success putting that genii back into the bottle.

--But Grandpaw Straw, it sounds like Christmas will never be the same.

Christmas never was the same, Billy. The best thing about the past is it’s over. You can trim, hang, send, wrap and sing and still you have to wait for Christmas to just bite you in the ass. Hanukkah and Kwanzaa too.  

--But Grandpaw, what about New Year’s?

What’s new about it?

Don Arrup
Satire1

Friday, December 16, 2016

Russian Prez Elect Trump Denies CIA Helped Him

After discussing plans to minefield their border against immigration from the former Soviet satellite countries, Demetri Trump dismissed reports in the capitalist press that Russian intelligence has evidence of American Central Intelligence tampering with his election.

“Hey, we fix our own elections here, thank you,” Trump said. “The Americans can’t even manage an honest election let alone a fixed one.”

Russian Enterprise Institute experts Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale agreed.

“We don’t have any of this secret ballot and shameful booth. Our elections are most open and free,” said Badenov. 

“The table, pen and ballot box is right out in the open in front of the firing squad where everybody can see.” Ms. Fatale added.  

“In America, everything is rigged- elections, courts, Wall Street, junior proms. It’s all the big fix,” said Trumpov. “In Russia, the will of the people is supreme and they want me to make all the decisions so I bow to the will of the people.”

Both Boris and Natasha used to work for the former Red House occupants Clintoffs (who they refer to as Moose and Squirrel) but switched allegiances when their new Fearless Leader emerged. “Trumposki will make Mother Russia great again,” boasted Boris. “We have an army of spies and soldiers and plenty of nukes. Diplomacy is for losers.”

“That is why Fearless Pompadour has appointed Russia’s top pump jockey to be Foreign Minister,” Natasha snarled, referring to black market energy mobster and Godfather of X-ON, Rox Tillev. “All he needs now is some backwater clown to be Energy Minister. The Red Army and KGBeen will take care of everything else.”

Don Arrup
Satire1