At the invitation of European Union, the Islamic State of Murderers and Sociopaths (ISIS) has invaded Greece just before their legislature could vote on the fleecing demanded by German Fuhrerin Merkel. Pakistan and India are already carving up conquered Iran while China’s navy blockades its “former” colony of Ukraine.
“We’re having a really good week after a number of really bad ones,” the President told the White House press corps this afternoon. “We knew the Pakis and Indians hated each other but who knew they both hated the Persians more?”
“We asked Putin if he might be up for taking back half of Germany when the Chinese asked us if we would back their acquisition of the Ukraine along with Okinawa and the Philippines. I told Chairman Xu that his retirees would never see a nickel of the trillions we borrowed so he might as well write it off now and just take whatever isn’t bolted down in the Far East.”
Reporters asked the President if he would act if China invaded Japan with whom we have treaties and military bases. “The United States of America always honors its treaties. Just ask any Native American.”
Republicans in the House of Representatives addressed reparations for decedents of American slaves offering both the city of Baltimore and the state of South Carolina. “I’ll salute any flag they want to wave,” Obama admitted. “Having a black mayor and police chief obviously doesn’t mean squat in Bmore. A handful of Catholic boys from Northwood own everything in Charm City including the teeth in your zipper and the teeth in your head.”
The Affordable Care Act got a huge boost earlier this week when everyone with Diabetes unexpectedly died. “I can’t begin to tell you what a relief this is to our hospitals and clinics. We have no idea what killed them but we’ll take it,” said Surgeon General Viveck Murthy. “Now if only everyone with arthritis or borderline obesity would suddenly drop dead we’d be talking about truly affordable health care and no long waits at doctor’s offices.”
As the mile high tidal wave ended the drought in California, astronomers forecasted milder meteor showers and earthquakes for the remainder of the week. President Barack commented that the complete liquidation of Los Angeles finally cleared the city of violent drug gangs. “You’ve got to look at the bright side,” Obama chirped. “It is the Sunshine State. Besides, Hollywood survived.”