Saturday, August 20, 2016

Clean House

The Clinton Foundation announced today that they will no longer accept mob or drug cartel money if Hillary is elected president. “We might also stop accepting funds from foreign governments and corporations since their motives could be suspect,” said wife Bill who will resign from the foundation’s board in order to serve either as first spouse or the two hundred and forty two years for perjury and philandering. 

When asked about the strain on his marriage caused by Hillary’s campaign former president Bill said, “I did not have sex with that woman.”

The State Department concedes that the 400 million in twenties the President had to personally deliver to the Iranian Embassy might have helped grease the recent hostage exchange but Obama categorically denies that his dancing the Tango with all the mullahs present was their idea.

Donald Trump fired his family yesterday and has married/adopted/hired the Kardashians and told them to get some peroxide. The Make America Great Again Circus while be touring Milwaukee, St. Louis and all states south. Tickets can be purchased through Trumpcasino.com. Admission free to fully robed Klans folk and those dressed as Confederate battle standards.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Friday, August 12, 2016

Joke's On Who?

A chorus of fellow politicians and seekers of power chimed in from across the globe and epochs of history to defend Donald Trump’s gaffe about Second Amendment fans dealing with Hillary Clinton.

Benjamin Netanyahu
“Was that Rabin the crowd was calling a traitor and a Nazi? I thought they meant the pizza guy.”

Vladimir Putin
“I don’t know from isotopes.”

Jefferson Davis
“I thought Johnny Booth was just acting.”

Maximilien Robespierre
“Can’t have a revolution without dropping a few heads.”

Pontius Pilate 
“Nobody was more surprised than me when they chose to let Barabbas go.”

Marcus Brutus
“We were just going to show Caesar the knives, you know, to scare him.”

Cain
“You know how brothers are.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Trump's First Security Briefing

CIA Liaison Agent Harold Spook
Candidate Trump, my name is XXXX and I am here on behalf of the Central Intelligence Agency to bring you up to speed on the actual state of the nation and world. First, President Barack Obama hasn’t been the President of the United States for over two years.

Trump
What? Was he assassinated and you got a double to show to the public?

Spook
No, he is very much alive. His wife Michelle took over the marriage and office after hubby couldn’t pull off gun control again. 

Trump
She gives a better speech anyway.

Spook
Bill and Hillary Clinton are the same bigender person.

Trump
Who didn’t know that?

Spook
Native Americans, Palestinians, Tibetans, Mexicans and anyone else claiming to be a native people are lying.

Trump
Everybody is from somewhere else.

Spook 
There is not and never was a Hawaii.

Trump
This is what I’ve been saying.

Spook
Canadians eat American babies.

Trump
My next wall.

Spook
Small head babies are caused by watching television novellas. Mosquitos have nothing to do with it or any other ailment including malaria. 

Trump
The British whack off too much anyway.

Spook
ISIS is really just a Middle Eastern boy scout troop. All those nuts are acting on their own.

Trump
I understand you have to keep your funding up.

Spook
Vladimir Putin is one of our agents. We bought Russia in the mid 90’s but use them to spank Merkel and any other European leader who pisses us off. 

Trump
I’ve been saying as much.

Spook
Mexico is responsible for 9/11 and their population is mostly composed of rapists but not all are murders. 

Trump
Stop standing up for them.

Spook
The Moon began disintegrating around the time of our Civil War. There was hardly a trace of it by the First World War. We sent the rockets up to see if we could find any of it. Our spacesuits gave the astronauts wedgies.

Trump
I’ll build a moon. Right after I build the two walls.

Don Arrup
Satire1




Saturday, July 30, 2016

Battle of the Blonds

Hillary’s Acceptance Speech Thursday night:

My fellow Americans, tonight begins a new era of equality and freedom undreamt of by our Founding Fathers. Tonight, for the first time America is offering the office of the Presidency of the United States to the winner of the Battle of the Blonds.

Washington, Jefferson, Jackson, Eisenhower and Kennedy were all carrot tops. Abe and the other beards all brunettes. Barack sports a short nappy but never has a golden fleece led this land.

I know some of you are skeptical. Is the country, indeed the world, ready for a blond American president? With China contracting, Russia collapsing, Europe dividing, the Middle East radicalizing, and Brazil covering up the bikini can a blond American president see to it that we do in fact have more fun?

We Americans are facing mounting challenges. Yellowing bleaching agents, poorly labeled or manufactured peroxide, split ends and unmanageable humidity in the summer and wild wind in the winter. We have faced these challenges before as a nation and we survived but under my Administration we will not only survive but prevail.

In my years as a Senator and Secretary of State I’ve spoken to hundreds of our brave men and women in uniform facing the most cruel and unthinkable conditions overseas for any hairdo let alone a perm or wave. Helmet Hair has become the number one injury among our front line troops. I’ve seen the courage and patriotism of soldiers, sailors, (no one from the Air Force) and Marines barely out of their teens pleading with their beauticians and barbers to clear them again for combat. Some even shaving their heads so that they could rejoin the fight. 

Many of my fellow Democrats accuse me of being a Hawk but let me say this right here and now, I do not condone sending out any American into harm’s way who is having a bad hair day. Nothing good ever happens on BHDs. I know, Hercules couldn’t have gotten a comb through my mane that fateful November Tuesday in 2008. I’ll send out our troops to fight freedom’s necessary fights, possibly to get wounded or killed but I will not send out a single service member to be humiliated.

And then there is the question of climate change. How will my children manage their hair with the weather exploding in their face every time they open their front door? When hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, desert heat, arctic cold and Noah era flooding become the norm, how will my children avoid the embarrassment of unmanageable hair? What future can my children have if their heads look like they bathed in a blender?

I know my opponent, not a natural blond anymore but who is after their twenties, says that he will look out for your locks. “I’ll protect your hair,” Donald says. “I’ll wash it; I’ll comb it; I’ll cut it; believe me.” Well, I believe Donald when he says this. Yes, I believe him. He’ll do all that and more for your hair but on one condition- only if you want your hair to look like his.

Yes, it will be one style fits all with Mr. Trump. I’m a proud bleach blond but under my administration a rainbow of manes will flourish. There might even be adults wearing their natural hair color and that too will find acceptance with this Democrat in the White House. Or should I say the Blond House?

So now it is up to the American people to choose which blond vision to follow. We have entered the Blond era, the Blond century, the Blond millennium. The only question is are we turning over or upside down?

Don Arrup
Satire1



Sunday, July 24, 2016

Melania Michelle

Wal Mart Journal
“It is impossible for Melania Trump to have stolen even one word from Michelle Obama’s 2008 Democratic Convention speech on Monday night because Melania Trump is Michelle Obama disguised in white face.”

“Michelle is actually married to a number of former and current candidates including a secret gay marriage to Hillary Clinton. She is a bigamist and will do anything and marry anyone to remain First Lady.”

New York Chimes
“When I worked in the First Lady’s office, Mrs. Obama quite frankly told me that she considered it a lifelong position. When I told her her husband would have to relinquish the office in two years she said he was just this year’s shoes.”

“Though the XXII Amendment to the Constitution limits the term for serving as the President it imposes no such limitation on the First Lady. And I’m telling you, this woman ain’t leaving.”

Washington Host
“Michelle married Trump before she married Obama. She’s been apart of the national outreach of his Queens harem for decades, in a sort of Piece Corps. Michelle can do a totally convincing Asian woman as well. If you haven’t seen Geisha Michelle you don’t know the woman.”

Chicago Fun Times
“Obama was actually one of the last politicians Michelle married. He was her “Chicago Hope,” a cute upcoming intern in her law office with a great sheepskin. So she spanked him for a couple of months to see if he had pants for the position. The rest is herstory.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

*This post is dedicated to the First Lady in my life, Loretta Hanahan Arrup 1916-2016.





Sunday, July 3, 2016

Would President Trump Deport Superman?


An impromptu interview occurred when reporters caught the presumptive Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump coming out of a screening of Batman vs Superman.

Reporter 1
Mr. Trump, who won?

Trump
I won. I always win.

Reporter 2
She meant Batman or Superman.

Trump
When Batman wins, America wins.

Reporter 3
Are you implying that Superman was vanquished because he was born on another planet?

Trump
Now I don’t want you all to make a big deal out of this. I just want you to make a big deal out of me.

Reporter 1
Straight up, Candidate Trump, would you kick Superman out because he was born on Krypton to Kryptonese parents?

Trump
I like Marlon Brando. And that was the best wig he ever wore. He was practically George Washington.

Reporter 3
You don’t think Superman flying around all over the city isn’t a message to teenagers to use drugs?

Trump
It’s the blue long johns with the red hot pants, okay. It’s gay. I don’t mean that in a derogatory manner. They’re just what they are. Gay. I won’t talk about the cape.

Reporter 2
So, you want Superman to leave the Untied States because he’s a gay superhero?

Trump
Look, I understand he was just a super baby in a blanket in a spaceship that got him here just before his planet exploded. I don’t blame Super Man for that. I’m glad he made it. I’m not putting Mexican babies in rockets even though senior officials at NASA and the Pentagon that I happen to know personally assure me we definitely have the ability to launch a hundred babies a day- up to a thousand babies a week- to anywhere in our hemisphere.

Reporter 3
So Superman can stay?

Trump
Anybody’s who’s here from a planet that exploded can stay.

Reporter 1
There has been suggestions that Batman has a complex relationship with Robin. Do you think that’s true? And if you do then how about Superman and Superboy?

Trump
Superboy was just Superman before he grew up and was still living on the farm in Kansas. Whether there was any interplanetary improprieties I don’t know. I’m sure Batman and Robin do whatever bats and robins do in nature even though it might be disgusting to most people.

Reporter 2
So who won? Batman or Superman, Candidate Trump?

Trump
Everyone knows that Gotham is New York and Batman is New York. Nobody beats New York. Batman has to fight the Riddler regulators, the Joker politicians and the Penguin bureaucrats that are trying to stop America from making money. Bruce Wayne is the one percent. I am the one percent. I am Batman and Superman is a red caped socialist in girly go go boots and Batman and I are going to bring him down.

Reporter 1
Mr. Trump, did you even see the movie?

Trump
I was in the lobby lobbying through the entire feature. I don’t have to see the movie. I know how everything goes down.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Both Candidates Call For American Exit


Surprising even some of her longest and closest supporters, Hillary Clinton joined Donald Trump in calling for a national referendum on the United States of America withdrawing from the human race and declaring its citizens a new species.

“I misunderstood Donald’s message about making America great again. Of course, we’ve always been great but the forces of globalization have crept too far into our lives and orifices pulling Americans down to the level of people in other countries. We’re not like people in other countries. They’re foreigners and we’re Americans!”

“Hill Bill and I are on the same page with this issue and I promise you whether I win or win I will throw my wholehearted support into the movement to get America out of the filthy, disgusting swamp we call humanity,” Donald Trump replied. “We have better cars and better hair products. Humanity is a loser. Those people in other countries are already extinct but their brains are too pink to realize it.”

“Now Mr. Trump and I certainly don’t see eye to eye on most issues but we really do need to get out of the whole antiquated mankind thing. Most Americans have roots in other countries and cultures but they got out of them and those places and if they look and sound like myself and Mr. Trump then they too can be Americans.”

“It’s not about race. It’s not about religion. Hill Bill and I are in complete agreement on that. I don’t care what white race you come from or what Christian religion you practice. Come to my casinos and I’ll see to it- personally, if need be- that we take your money. Your money is always green with me.”

“I’m in complete agreement with my friend Donald on that. Though Bill and I much prefer blank checks from bottomless pocketed billionaires we are Democrats and will stoop to taking small donations from the faceless masses.”

“That’s right. And whether I win or Hill Bill loses, we are determined to get our precious country out of the human race- that’s the race that everybody hates.”

Don Arrup
Satire1