Thursday, July 23, 2015

Obama's Good Week

At the invitation of European Union, the Islamic State of  Murderers and Sociopaths (ISIS) has invaded Greece just before their legislature could vote on the fleecing demanded by German Fuhrerin Merkel. Pakistan and India are already carving up conquered Iran while China’s navy blockades its “former” colony of Ukraine. 

“We’re having a really good week after a number of really bad ones,” the President told the White House press corps this afternoon. “We knew the Pakis and Indians hated each other but who knew they both hated the Persians more?”

“We asked Putin if he might be up for taking back half of Germany when the Chinese asked us if we would back their acquisition of the Ukraine along with Okinawa and the Philippines. I told Chairman Xu that his retirees would never see a nickel of the trillions we borrowed so he might as well write it off now and just take whatever isn’t bolted down in the Far East.”

Reporters asked the President if he would act if China invaded Japan with whom we have treaties and military bases. “The United States of America always honors its treaties. Just ask any Native American.”

Republicans in the House of Representatives addressed reparations for decedents of American slaves offering both the city of Baltimore and the state of South Carolina. “I’ll salute any flag they want to wave,” Obama admitted. “Having a black mayor and police chief obviously doesn’t mean squat in Bmore. A handful of Catholic boys from Northwood own everything in Charm City including the teeth in your zipper and the teeth in your head.”

The Affordable Care Act got a huge boost earlier this week when everyone with Diabetes unexpectedly died. “I can’t begin to tell you what a relief this is to our hospitals and clinics. We have no idea what killed them but we’ll take it,” said Surgeon General Viveck Murthy. “Now if only everyone with arthritis or borderline obesity would suddenly drop dead we’d be talking about truly affordable health care and no long waits at doctor’s offices.”

As the mile high tidal wave ended the drought in California, astronomers forecasted milder meteor showers and earthquakes for the remainder of the week. President Barack commented that the complete liquidation of Los Angeles finally cleared the city of violent drug gangs. “You’ve got to look at the bright side,” Obama chirped. “It is the Sunshine State. Besides, Hollywood survived.”

Don Arrup

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Who Blew Pluto?

As part of the Obama-Iran Nuclear Scam Congress is being asked to sign over the dwarf planet Pluto to Iran. As our NASA disguised New Horizon battle shuttle invades and conquers the former ninth brother in our solar system, China and Russia dispute the United States right to annex other planets without United Nations approval. 

Just three billion miles on average from the Earth’s orbit, Pluto is smaller than the United States Moon but with five lunes in its posse the forever freezing and melting rock presents unprecedented entrepreneurial opportunities and unimagined romantic getaways for the first world’s rapidly retiring populations.

Though mineral extraction is not economic outside a billion mile radius at this time, the low density of Pluto along with its numerous neighbors offers undeveloped real estate which under low Iranian property taxes could lead to rapid habitation. Though the surface temperature is a chilly minus 369 Fahrenheit tunnels could be dug without heavy equipment and cave societies could spring down in days.

“If they discover so much as a hint of DNA on Pluto sets of Golden Arches will up before you read your Sunday paper,” said Ronald McDonald, monarch of the McDonald’s Corporation.

Secretary John Kerry whose Department of State does not handle relations with other planets and extraterrestrials believes that it would be “very much” in the United States’ interest to hand Pluto over to Iran where inevitable violations of their nuclear agreement on Earth could be punished in outer space.

“Nothing can be won in the Middle East so why not kick their space ass,” Kerry said.

Vice President Joe Biden agreed. “The Iranians need four crescent moons for their Muslim Islam flag thing. It’s kind of like their Confederate flag only moony.”

Biden was reminded that Pluto only had fully rounded moons and that the American moon only appears crescent due to the Earth’s shadow. “That’s a damn shame,” said Biden. “Someone really ought to tell Allah. I mean it’s been over a thousand years. We let the South in on their defeat recently and popcorn still pops.”

Senator Barbra Boxer protested that Pluto should remain in American hands and be declared the “Woman’s Planet” but Republican legislators argued that women deserved a much larger planet like Saturn which at least wears a belt. “It’s bad enough we’re getting mooned every night by our own moon. We don’t need some other naked Heavenly Body turning the sky into pornography we have no parental controls over,” said Senator Gram.

Both China and Russia could tentatively agree to recognize American dominion over Pluto should the NASA invasion prove successful and America’s right to secede the dwarf to Iran on the condition that the United States backs Chinese and Russian claims to the Sun in the UN Security Council.

Though Japan stole the local star from China briefly last century, China has reestablished full control of Helios and will be imposing a tiny users fee to countries using solar power for farming and general visibility during the day. The fee has been calculated to cover just a small fraction of the cost China spends on maintaining the Sun as a 24/7/365 generator. Russia will assume a percentage of that fee for its role in the reacquisition of the Sun in the middle of last century.

Despite the advantages of resolving Middle East conflicts in outer space and satiating Chinese and Russian aggression geriatric experts want to set up Pluto as the first “nursing plutoid” where retirees can spend their remaining years which out there last 250 of ours.

Don Arrup

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Greek Dance Dixie

In a surprising and inexplicable move today the Hellenic Parliament in Athens voted unanimously to remove the battle flag of the Confederate States of America from all of its government buildings and toilet seats. Known as the Stars and Bars the red background with blue intersecting diagonal starred stripes has become synonymous with romantics and racists who can’t accept that the seceding American states lost their war one hundred and fifty years ago. 

Though Greece is contemplating seceding from the European Union no one expects Germany or France to attempt to prevent it with a force of arms. “Merkel is not Lincoln,” said French Ambassador Pierre Dichard. “For one thing, there is the beard.”

“We Greeks feel that the Germans are trying to enslave us to our financial obligations.” said Not Socrates, a taxi driver in Athens. “I started charging men fish for their fare and I’ll take women for as far as a hand job lasts. It worked out fine earlier in the week but now I’m sick of fish and I can barely walk.”

Other Greek Citizens weighed in:

“I think American bigots should use the Swastika. The burning cross is more specific but you can make your point without any second hand racism bothering the kids with asthma.”

“I hate Asians and even the United States doesn’t have a decently organized group of yahoos to emulate. Asians were so universally hated by white Americans that the only symbol against the ‘Yellow Menace’ was the Stars and Stripes.”

“New York City was Greece in the 1970’s. Everybody on welfare or drugs. Nobody bailed the Apple out and now it tears down the world.”

“How can you have an American Women’s Soccer team? The athletes in America don’t even know what gender they are. They should lend Greece money. We invented lesbians.”

“We had slaves in Classical times but then the Romans enslaved us and then the Franks enslaved all of us. That’s why Greeks don’t pay taxes.”

“This whole thing has been really bad for my pants.”

Don Arrup


Sunday, June 21, 2015

Trans Gender Race Bender

If your spouse of ten years redefines themselves as being the same sex as you does that make you gay?

If you recently entered a gay marriage and your spouse decides that they are the opposite sex does that make you straight?

If you declare you are without gender is there anywhere you can go to the bathroom in public areas?

Will shoe size replace genitalia as the gender defining measure?

There are members in the trans-gender community (TGC) who have taken issue with a number of women's and feminist organizations over their use of the term woman claiming that limiting it to vagina owners excludes those who identify as women but wear their genitalia on the outside.

In Spokane, Washington, a woman with Caucasian parents ran the local chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP). She said she identifies as black. She is not pale but do her ancestors come from Africa? Well, according to ethnologists everyone's ancestors come from Africa or maybe China. Maybe she's Asian. 

If you have blue eyes and milk white skin and your birth parents decide they now identify as black does that mean you can use less sunscreen? 

If you can choose your gender can you choose your race? Federal government applications asks which race you identify with. Of course, many people are a mixture but when it comes to gender there are only two boxes. The Feds even offer an "Other" box for the race question. When will they stop oppressing us and offer an "Other" box for gender or even better- a "No" box? 

Isn't that question section actually labeled SEX? I should have been marking it no for decades though "none" would be more accurate. There should be a "None" box for hair color on the driver's license application.

Can an obese person declare themselves thin? Most idiots think they're geniuses. Can the elderly through athletic achievement take their place among the young? Rich men cry poor every April. And the poor spend it like they got it at the beginning of every month. Obviously, we Americans no longer know who we are or perhaps we never did.

If we allow everyone to simply choose how they are to be defined there might no longer be gender segregated bathrooms, Affirmative Action, minority contracts or scholarships, Title 9, Boys and Girl Scouts along with even mushier distinctions at clothing stores. Maybe all that would be a good thing but will it help us to perceive individuals as simply that- individuals- if it could help us in that direction perhaps all the confusion would be worth it.

Don Arrup

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Blaze Lee Starr

Forensic scientists in both United States and Great Britain have concluded that despite all appearances and consequences, DNA analysis of the two corpses proves that British Horror star Christopher Lee and world famous Baltimore stripper Blaze Starr were not the same person. Though family members, booking agents and fans across the globe threaten law suits and riots, Scotland Yard and the FBI stand by their claim that they were separate and individual human beings who probably never even met.

"You can't tell me that wasn't Chris with the leopard on his shoulder while wearing the cat spotted bikini at the 2 O'Clock Club," said Birgit Kroncke, Lee's wife of over fifty years. "I'd know his bosom anywhere."

"Christopher and I had no secrets from each other and he told me all about his affair with Louisiana Governor Long and Paul Newman when he was performing in New Orleans," she continued. "I think he was exaggerating about Jack Kennedy but even if he wasn't JFK was only a Senator at the time anyway."

"What happens in Baltimore stays in Baltimore is the motto," the widow concluded. "I loved Christopher Lee when he was Chris and when he was Blaze. Gender is just biology. We never let science come between us."

Fannie Belle Fleming aka Blaze Starr's relatives in West Virginia disagreed. "Fannie played all those monster roles in England. She was the greatest Dracula of the screen and how could a man play a Mummy?" asked sister Judy Fleming. "You could see that was Blaze under all those bandages in Curse of Frankenstein and the Mummy. You couldn't hide Blaze's curves under a circus tent."

President Obama weighed in on the controversy after his morning brief. "When celebrities die within a week of each other obviously they were the same person. Everybody understands that. Now I'm not sure about this DNA testing or the other molecular Voodoo our intelligence agencies have been trying to fool us with but let me say this: I honor Ms. Starr's service in the Special Forces of the Royal Air Force in World War 2 at the age of ten and no one on this Earth looked better wearing nothing but a rose than Christopher Lee."

As a native Baltimorean I assure you that the only thing bigger than Blaze Starr's bosom was her heart. She led tiny neighborhood and church parades when invited and brought disabled veterans to her nightclub for special performances at her expense. She was not only the Queen of Burlesque, she was the Queen of Baltimore.

Don Arrup

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Scare Me, Christopher Lee

Sir Christopher Lee was declared dead last Sunday in a hospital in the Chelsea section of London. Being only 93 and not known to be suffering from sunlight or holy water poisoning, Scotland Yard suspects foul play was involved. Inspector X commented, "His sort are usually good for at least a millennium or two." The undead turned actor performed in 250 films- sometimes even playing a human- in a career that spanned over six decades.

Unlike Bela Lugosi who famously turned down the role of Frankenstein's Monster after creating a sensation as Dracula, Lee portrayed Drac, Frank and their Mummy along with many other of the most memorable villains of the past half century of film.  At 6'5", with piercing eyes and a Shakespearean voice, Lee menaced heroes from the blood and cleavage Hammer Horrors, to James Bond, Star Wars and the Hobbit. 

Serving in intelligence and the original Special Forces of the Royal Air Force during Britain's finest hour, Lee was knighted for his service to his country in both war and in film. He gained the grudging respect of Horror aficionados worldwide including yours truly portraying his monsters as tragic figures driven by their natures and suffering in isolation. He was the last of the great actors of Horror.

Don Arrup

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Bow Tie Daddy

So he still wears the greasy was beige in another life peaked cap with the smudge visor and a black leather bow tie- maybe it's just plastic- like Abbot and Costello or the Three Stooges working at a "service" station. His shoes could be a hundred years old or just unkept Doc Martins. When he puts his hands in his pockets you can see that his balls would be too big for a billiard table. And does he remember you.

So where are you from?


The lake or Detroit?

"Just outside Motown."

You know Sydney?


Big fanny.

"That's her. She used to walk around here like a girl with two legs. Grew up into some high heels. Pelvis chugging along the assembly line. Kissing boys and things in high school."


"Oh yeah. That's Sydney. Right. Left. Up. Down. Any angle the Monkey can wrench. The fucking wench. Grew that chestnut hair down to her ass. Must of burned down two houses. Grandma's roll down stockings evaporated if she wiggled by. Grandma's big heeled orthopedics would follow in her footsteps. All the women's shoes did. She was the Pied Piper of women's shoes in this town. Womenfolk were ready to burn her down. Must have been a hundred possess formed by the gals but how far could they go in just flip flops and bunny slippers?"

She's in Baltimore now.

"Women know how to eat pussy in those blue collar towns."

She went to the Beatnik college and got her BFA.

"Blow job degree."

Bachelor of Fine Arts.

"Fellatio Arts. Cunnilingus and fellatio are the fine arts. Music and shit are just arts."


"She was all wet over FM when she lived here."

That hasn't changed. The big satin Valentine sets red hair afire.

"I don't think FM's even still alive."

Let's hope not. Even landlords die.

"I guess Syd hitched up."

Did and then blew the boob off and shack whacked a licky Greek girl I went to college with.

"Sappho a go go, huh? Makes sense. She was always melting dolls down with a magnifying glass and lighting fires between the boys pants pockets in July."

In July.

"When she was sixteen she could give you a sunburn just passing by."

In July.

"I shouldn't talk about her growing. Tales out of school. If we had danced together I wouldn't have a word on her. Just a smile and a wish her well."

Don Arrup