Santa Balls

So we now have less than half the beds available for mental illness patients than we did in the 1950's when we had half the population and even young horn dogs pulled their pants up over their butts. Obama wants to deputize the Girl Scouts to collect all automatic and semi-automatic guns at the point of their berets. Semi-automatic guns being defined as anything developed after the blunderbuss. The NRA prefers arming the student body of grade schools and shooting anyone who's received a prescription for sleeping pills.

Who needs guns anyway? They now tell us that our anti-bacterial soup is not only totally ineffective against cold and flu viruses but the only bacteria it seems to threaten is the user. So if a robber kicks in your door at night offer them a bath. Even if it doesn't kill them right away you're contributing to public hygiene.

Does a hermit wipe his ass after a dump? How the hell should I know? They put more perfume and lotion in toilet paper than you'll find on an octogenarian escort. I see clean shaven hobos while half the guys working in the banks look like John Brown. 

The only thing the UnAffordable Care Act has managed so far is making millions of people sick with frustration and worry. The Republicans have been sick over it since it was passed but haven't found any remedy. Just let the illness run its course and you should be feeling better in time to croak. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Why Single People Shouldn't Own Cellphones

Man on subway platform with an empty train sitting in front of him

"Hello, me? I'm going to be late. There's some type of holdup with the trains. I don't know how long it will be so don't make dinner until I get there. And it will be the usual one for dinner. Okay? Hope you get this message in time."

Woman sitting at a restaurant table looking at her phone sitting on the table setting opposite her thinking: 

I used to sit home and wait for that damn thing to ring.

College student in a very used car stuck in traffic

"Hey, dude, I'm not going to make the concert. Let me know what you want to do when you figure out where you are. Later."

Woman with legs standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk

"Who are you? How did you get my number? I know I have great legs. I only give my number to cute, civilized men, not assholes. I don't want you ever calling this number again unless it's about my legs."

Don Arrup

Satire1