As Putin's onion towered empire swallowed the rest of Eurasia, protestors of Russian decent in Alaska demanded protection from the former KGB agent claiming they were being forced to submit to abortionists and same sex couples who were murdering their families' futures and stripping them of their identities and gender.
Fatigue clad "Cossacks" bearing automatic weapons and wearing ski masks took up positions outside the libraries in Juneau and Anchorage but since no one in the state actually visits the libraries it was hard to to discern what they were doing.
"I think they're here to kidnap ordinary, law abiding citizens and force us to read."
"Better dead than read, my father always said. If they have any books other than the Bible and the Constitution they're Communists."
"This state used to be part of Russia before Jesus Christ and John Wayne bought it for the people. Still, I've got a lot of neighbors whose families go back generations here. The Jerkoffs who own the laundry mat here and the Whackoffs with the bait and tackle shop outside Fairbanks."
As the Red Navy steamed in a circle around the Hawaiian islands, the Kremlin released a statement claiming that the archipelago had always been the southern group of the Aleutian Islands and was not part of the original fire sale of 1867 that made Alaska "Seward's Folly."
President Obama apologized to the Russian Ambassador for the illegal colonization and annexation of his home state saying that he had always known that Hawaii was never part of the United States and admitted that the purchase of Western Siberia right after our Civil War was an attempt to humiliate Russia with gay pioneers.
"We knew your beards with the big hats would never go in for a Kitty Carson and Daniel Bone," President Obama said. "It worked for a century and a half but I guess the jig is up."
Senator McCain and House Speaker Boehner called on the president to order an immediate withdraw of all postal and Amtrak employees and begin negotiations for the return of all US military personnel captured within Russia's newly reclaimed territory.
President Obama stepped off Air Force One onto the ramp stairs waiving the treaty just signed by Putin that freed our soldiers and sailors and declared Russian recognition of the sovereignty of the lower forty eight states of the United States promising "Peace in our time."
Don Arrup
Satire1
