Resolved

I don’t need a reason to kill you. I have religion.

I don’t need a reason to shoot you. I have the 2cd Amendment.

I don’t need a reason to believe you. I read Satire1.

Ahmen.

Don Arrup

Satire1

ISIS Complains U.S. Is Too Easy A Target

Two boys with pressure cookers beat Tom Brady

The nation’s power grid could be taken out with a flyswatter

Bridges collapse before they can be blown up

Detroit

Massacres are commonplace

Donald Trump

Virulent strains of political correctness

Baltimore

Threats of reality shows being syndicated

Cleveland

Boat People bio pics

Twitter

They mentioned Donald Trump twice

And Baltimore

Don Arrup

Satire1

Zombies Sue Over Excessive Force

The United Fraternities and Sororities of the Undead filed papers in federal court in Manhattan over the use of excessive force routinely employed by law enforcement officers and models on their membership. Citing the uproar over a police officer shooting a knife yielding youth in Chicago, the UFSU holds that the sixteen shots and the little “corpse dance” it produced was merely a macabre parody of the abusive treatment zombies suffer everyday on the streets and fields of this nation.

“Ugh blah whum mah mum mum,” said third zombie from the left with one eye. “Muwah humb fugh amn duvf.” 

New York Mayor Bill De Blasio who faces an uphill election and had garnered little of the undead vote last time, agreed. “My administration is committed to seeing justice served to both the living and the undead whether it’s the vampires on Wall Street, has been movie and television stars on Broadway or the Haitian community.”

Zombies originated on the island of Haiti where supposed Voodoo priests poisoned workers causing significant damage to the cognition portions of their brains rendering them thoughtless slaves. It wasn’t until the 1950’s that extraterrestrials began resurrecting our recent dead to murder the living. As the general public took increasing delight in witnessing zombies demise the demand for more zombies outstripped supply and serial killers and rouge police officers began killing living suspects with the excess once reserved for zombies.

“Alive or dead, a body is going to move as long as you are pumping shells into it,” said NYPD Chief Bratton. “An inexperienced officer forgets this and the mambo de muerto doesn’t end until he empties his gun.”

“I think ISIS is just a great big Muslim zombie gang,” said Donald Trump. “That’s why when I become president I’m going to nuke them every day until they find Jesus.”

“I’m sure the Muslim zombie community is well represented within ISIS or ISIL’s leadership and higher ranks,” said Former Everything Hilary Clinton. “But since our intelligence is sparse and I’ve never negotiated with them I’ll limit my assessment to a few wonky cliches.”

“These African American men and boys running away, driving away and walking away from our police officers to intimidate them and threaten communities must be stopped,” Trump continued. “They’re all Malcolm X Muslims and controlled by Voodoo clerics and chicken swinging mullahs. If ISIS and zombies are in Baghdad and Paris then they’re definitely in Cleveland and Baltimore.”

“I’m going to bring back all those black pastors who disagreed with me and give them what they really need to save the souls of their flocks: machetes and machine guns.”

Don Arrup

Satire1