Duke Patty Duke Revisited

Dear Folks, 

Satire1 laments the passing of one of the great child/youth stars of the 1960's, Anna Marie Duke known to the world as Patty Duke. We celebrated her groundbreaking portrayal of Helen Keller as a girl in 2014 which we share with you again here.

The Senate appointed special task force to determine the relationship between John Wayne and Anna Marie "Patty" Duke will deliver its findings to the full Senate on the morning of Friday, April 25th. Though the Senate Intelligence Committee meetings dealing with the controversy have been closed to the public, Satire1, through a discrete and corrupt source, has bought iPhone photographs of the chairwoman's secretary's notes. Since shorthand is not a set language or code, some guessing is involved in translating any given stenographer's hand.

--A twelve year search through internet data bases, police, newspaper and magazine files, movie memorabilia stores and family members of the stars in question by the Federal Bureau of Investigation has yet to produce one photograph of the actors John "The Duke" Wayne and "Patty" Duke together.

-- Both "Dukes" were at the height of their careers in 1963 when Patty received her Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress for her portrayal of Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker.

--The FBI searches combined with the Central Intelligence Agency's oversea searches and the National Security Agency's searches of the rest of our solar system have yet to produce one single photograph of John Wayne and Anne Bancroft together.

--With the exception of Mel "Muscles" Brooks, the widower of Ms. Bancroft, no one who knew Patty and Anne and John appears to still be alive. Everyone suspected of knowing all three either committed questionable suicide or died in a mudslide in the midst of California's record drought.

--Rumors that John Wayne took over the role of Anne Sullivan in the filming of The Miracle Worker in New Jersey in 1962 were widely ignored in the press and by Hollywood Gossip columnists due to pressure from the Academy which saw the role as belonging exclusively to actresses. Van Johnson's stepping in for Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes in all the song sequences a decade earlier was still scandalizing Europe and the Middle East where American diplomats are still asked just who is a diamond's best friend.

--Patty's identical "cousin" Cathy in The Patty Duke Show was supposed to be a trick of wigs, stand ins and double exposure filming and was credited to Patty Duke was in fact an Irish Republican Army hit woman wanted by both Britain's MI5 and Interpol for international murder and terrorism. Her close resemblance to the actress was further exploited by plastic surgery and evil make up artistry. Cathy aka Katherine "Deadeye" Henehan adjusted her accent just enough to pass as an American teenager trying to do the Scottish brogue the script called for. 

--John Wayne, who joined the IRA cause during his filming of The Quiet Man some years earlier was thought to have sired both the Irish and American "cousins" who were actually half sisters as part of his and John Ford's conspiracy to populate a future Celtic takeover of the English speaking world. 

--Just seven months after Patty Duke and John Wayne/Anne Bancroft won Best Supporting and Best Actress at the Oscars, John Kennedy, the only American president of Irish descent up until that time, who had refused to support the Celtic Generational Conspiracy, was assassinated in Dallas, Texas by Lee Harvey Oswald, a known fan of the Patty Duke Show.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trump University Core Curriculum

Have a Rich Daddy 101

Have a Rich Daddy in Real Estate 201

Have a Rich Daddy in Real Estate with Powerful Friends 310

Introduction to Shamelessness 103

Advanced Shamelessness 410

Corporate Rockabilly Hair Styling (Elective)

New York City Charm & Etiquette

Pass the Buck Accounting

Fudge Contracts

Minute Print

Bankruptcy as Strategy

Buying Influence

Marriage as Strategy

Donaldocity

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trump Will Deport Irish Americans First

In a surprise announcement today on the Feast of Saint Patrick at the grandstand of the famous 5th Avenue Parade in Manhattan, Donald Trump announced that the first immigrants to go when he becomes president would be the “the bottom dregs of Euro Trash Irish and their illegal descendants.” 

The announcement drew a Bronx Cheer from the crowd which Trump invited to “kiss my Blarney Stones.” Trump went on to explain that New York City’s government had been hijacked by Tammany Hall pirates, the ISIS of the Nineteenth Century, to suck in the greenest scum of the Emerald Isle and that their Catholic Caliphate still controlled the Big Apple and much of Washington D.C.

“They’ve appointed two dictators over us in the last half century. One for each party!” referring to presidents Kennedy and Reagan. “Their wives of God were walking around hospitals and teaching schools in burqas for Christ’s sake.”

“A lot of my Republican rivals try to canonize Reagan even though he fought relentlessly to get your tax dollars to pay for these private madrasas named after poor people and criminals who died under torture. We’re Americans. We hate poor people. Poor people try to make everyone else poor.”

When reminded by a reporter that he was an ardent Notre Dame football fan Trump replied: “Of course if you live in godforsaken Indiana you’re going to hang out at a French broad’s school and drink beer and knock heads.”

Reporters pressed the Republican frontrunner to deny Irish American contributions to the country and Trump asked them when was the last time they ate in an Irish restaurant. “If you don’t drink whiskey or beer you’re down to potatoes and mutton.”

Since Americans claiming at least some Irish ancestry number over 33 million the deportation could take time. “And we’ll need to build a wall along the Atlantic Ocean and make England pay for it.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Up Your Kalamazoo

Outside the penthouse of the Mad Playwright of 95th Street on any given afternoon a half dozen black town cars are parked in front of the building. West 95th is the major uptown exit from the Henry Hudson Highway and astride the two entrances thus providing a quick strike base for these hit drivers. In the rear passenger windows of the cars stands a black card with the internet age’s equivalent of a skull and crossbones: The Strangling U of Uber.

As the Federal Bureau of Investigation begs Rotten Apple to open the poop shoot to its holier than thou godPhone, the sharing apps this soulless technology has spawned are destroying community based businesses and murdering low tech citizenry.

Jason Dalton, of the notorious Dalton Gang which merged with Uber Technology Inc, the black ops illegal organ harvesting and sex slaving mafia based in Sin Francisco, is currently being held without bail for eliminating six citizens who were destroying his business by walking. Though pedestrians are among the most despised of rebels by carbon combusting America, Dalton, under strict orders from the beehive, began “cleansing” Michigan’s streets of the wheelless bipeds only to be apprehended by the Kalamazoo Constabulary.

In a state literally built by the automobile industry, a respected criminal has become the scapegoat for our society’s voluntary blindness to the inevitable consequences of wireless connection, shameless sharing and addiction to motorized transportation. As America’s daughters open their beds to anyone with an Airbnb account and her sons grind children and seniors under the wheels of supposed progress and economic flexibility, the kangaroo court of Kalamazoo has drawn a line declaring that even the e-entrepreneur drivers of Uber can not murder a half dozen citizens in one shift.

“We understand and accept the collateral damage of globalization and cyber penetration, said Judge Hopper, who ruled that Dalton was to be held without bail. “But it is the jurisdiction of this court to see that garden variety homicide and the slaughter that is part of the price of doing business doesn’t spiral into genocide.”

J “Death Driver” Dalton had been pimping, kidnapping, raping, mutilating, murdering and turning without signaling for months under the flag of the Strangling U. A common thug before falling into the wormhole of godPhone apps, J DD Dalton quickly morphed into a cyber villain tweeting, poking, liking and choking every ghost that crossed his path in the ethernet.

Sneaking from one Airbnb to another from Baghdad by the Bay to the Celery City, Dalton strangled avatars and had nonconsensual sex with emojis. Leaving a trail of blood in comments sections across the web, he pledged to neutralize fitness walkers, mommy joggers, metro-cyclists and anyone else who was “banishing humanity back into caves” by foregoing internal combustion. 

Detective Dichard of Kalamazoo zoo zoo zoo explained, “Uber only stole the kidneys and virginity of the iFools who actually called and crawled into their deathtraps. Then pedestrians who made no such summons were being killed. Before, Uber was like Bluebeard. You had to marry him to be murdered. Now, you just have to be around.”

The detective added, “If we hung everyone responsible for this the world would run out of rope.”

Don Arrup

Satire1