Prince Pappas

Every other boy born in Baltimore, Maryland between the summer of 1955 and Christmas 1956 was sired by Milt Pappas. Though both the New York Times and Baltimore Sun chose to highlight his career pitching in major league baseball in his obituary, ignoring his amazing feat of  propagation, the Baltimore chapter of the Sons of Milt has finally voted to acknowledge and honor their father who is already in two halls of fame.

Milt was born the seven thousand four hundred and second son of “Poppy” Pappas who singlehandedly repopulated Greece and Macedonia as the Second World War drew to a close.

Of his quarter to a half million siblings only Milt and perhaps a dozen others were known to carry the fire seed. The much less occurring daughters- Milt’s half sisters- bore on average just under sixteen babies each. “He fucks like the Bible,” was by far the most popular answer as to his universal promiscuity.

Milt’s third career as a Minnesota minority singing sensation continued through his faux infection and autopsy. “He looked much younger and a hell of a lot shorter as an African American,” said Boog Powell, the Hall of Fame first basemen for the Baltimore Orioles who played with Milt in the 60’s and stayed in touch after Papas was traded to Cincinnati. “He never spoke of his transracial choice but had such success as a singer/songwriter/clotheshorse that the Twin Cities adopted him even though he shut out their baseball team in numerous match ups.”

When Boog was asked about Milt’s Uber Pater past, Boog just shook his head. “I played with studs who had a different woman waiting for them after every game but Milt had one scratching for him after every inning. If he wasn’t at bat he was hitting home runs.”

“If he knocked up half as many women after People magazine came out he would have been hit with a class action paternity suit bigger than what Big Tobacco faced. I showered with the guy. His balls were bigger than oranges. And he went to the Block and got that love symbol tattooed on his butt in 1964.”

Sportswriters and music critics alike adored Prince Milt and many to this day consider him a credit to both races. “I don’t know whether I liked him better on the mound with his control pitching or strumming his guitar to Purple Rain.” said President Obama. “He has to be the greatest double threat in rhythm and baseball the world has ever seen and the world is poorer for his loss.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Go To The Bathroom

The Tar Heels of the University of North Carolina lost the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship Monday when the Wildcats of Villanova drove, passed, picked and shot a three pointer in the less than five seconds remaining. The top seed had fallen and the referees were agents of the LGBTIA.

When the city of Charlotte, NC passed extended protections for transgenders to begin in April, the state’s General Assembly held a special session to pass House Bill 2 known widely as The Bathroom Bill restricting local governments from expanding any anti-discrimination laws from minimum wage to bathroom choice. The governor signed the bill that night.

State legislators, confident that the Carolina belles had seen to it that the tallest of Tar Heels were fully hetrosexualized, completely neglected the referees who control the games. Lesbians right off the covers of dime novels and transgenders from science fiction and Greek mythology flocked to the ranks of zebra stripes when they saw that their contribution to sports wasn’t respected. As soon as the first tip off the scales began to swish.

Carolina’s aggressive close style of defense was being neutralized by refs who protected the Wildcats like they were their own teenage daughters. The lightest Tar Heel touch drew the whistle and free throws from the line. UNC’s legendary coach Roy Williams protested the obvious favoritism at first but relented at half time after a visit to the locker room. 

Since Monday night Coach Williams has refused to challenge the officiating or offici-hating as many Tar Heel fans have come to refer to it. Sports writers from across the land have filled their columns on just what might have happened.

Clem Boy, Kansas Kalender 

“Coach Williams coached Kansas for years and we don’t assign gender to bathrooms here. They’re all just a bucket in a tiny shed anyway.”

Legitt Pert, Los Angeles Bugle

“If Carolinians are concerned about bathrooms wait till gender bending comes to Title IX.”

Diff Fuse, NYC Small Towner

“I think all basketball is gay. Women’s might be bisexual. Nobody’s sure. It was more obvious in the 70’s with the hot pants. Now its all about the shoes. I mean shoes, really.”

Ash Hole, Chicago Daily Planet

“NC went down to a great play by a black guy and a white guy working in a harmony that at one time only Martin Luther King could dream of. But when you get to the bathroom there is no dream. In the bathroom there is only reality. But even there, or especially there, we’re all the same.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

On The Stump With Trump

Donald Trump addressing the...

National Congress of American Indians

“Not if but when I’m elected the first order of the first day is to begin the deportation of these mongrel European Americans. I will probably need both terms to get out the over 200 million pale faces but once we start the original illegal immigrants will be out of here by 2022 at the latest and finally, after four centuries it will be America for Americans again under a Donald Trump presidency.”

National Organization for Women

“Listen to me. Hillary is not the guy for you. Hillary is a man in a wig and pants suit. Has the same junk down there that I have. He- I really do feel sorry for him- is just some poor transgender woman wannabe before it was popular- before David Bowie wore makeup on his album covers- who got a minority gender scholarship to Wellesley and got to say a few words when he graduated.”

“If Billary- that’s much closer to his name at birth- wants to see my tax return, fine. Fine. I’ll bring my tax return and drop it right in front of the camera when he drops his pants.”

Fort Bennington, Georgia

“I’ve already swept your state in the primary so for once I can speak my mind. You soldiers should be ashamed of yourselves. America doesn’t send her sons and daughters to foreign shores to tidy up a little and smooth out the sheets. American taxpayers- your bosses- expect you to make a tidal wave of blood that will clean out any conflict- religious or political, economic or geographic, real or imagined- with the barrel of your guns. So why are you sitting here when there are still Muslims walking the streets of the Middle East? ”

U.S. Council of Muslim Organizations

“You can’t tell me about Jews. I live in New York- which along with Miami and Hollywood are the real Israel. That little tourist colony in Palestine you’re always getting your turbans bunched up into a fatwa about is just a marker for a couple of temples so Judaism can stay in the top three.”

“You guys fight over Palestine like it was beach front property instead of endless desert. Obviously, God doesn’t like any of you anymore. It’s not the Holy Land anymore. God’s out of there. Jesus would rather be dead. And ladies, if you had hair as great as mine you wouldn’t cover it with a scarf.”

 Mexican American Political Association

“Through prohibitive taxation and bayonets we’ll push all the gringos into the MidWest and Dakotas. Mexico can take back Texas which voted for the liar anyway and New Mexico will return to old Mexico. Then I’ll top it off with the grandest Trump Super Casa right along the wall we’ll build to keep the gringos out.”

National Association for the Advancement of Colored People

“I’m not white. Jeb Bush was the white guy. The white guy is done. I’m the gold guy. Look at my name on my buildings. Fourteen karat. And I’m putting my name on the walls we’re going to build around our inner cities to keep the Korean grocers out. The foreigners charging you two bits a banana and near a buck an apple. They’re the ones forcing you into McDonald’s and killing you with diabesity so they can buy up your houses and sell them to the Chinese.”

Asian American Alliance

“A Jew, two Hispanics, a Mormon, a billionaire- me, a woman and a black guy are taking or have taken their shot at being the President of the United States. Where’s the Asian? The whole world is running for president. There’s got to be an Asian. And there is, ladies and gentlemen. I’m from Queens which has practically been an Asian country for twenty years.” 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Satire1 begins its ninth year of documenting the demise of intelligent life on Earth. Thank you readers.