Turd Party

Jill Stein, Green Party candidate for the Presidency of the United States, only needs 270 electoral votes to surpass Trump and Clinton. Since accepting the results of elections has become un-American this millennium, Ms. Stein is calling for and getting recounts in several states. Satire1 offers a variety of views on the subject.

Donald Trump

“The whole election was fixed. Jill Stein was screwed. She definitely won a few states, Tenhio, Virginisee, New Calichusettes at the very least.”

Hillary Clinton

“I can see how even a turd party candidate who might have cost me a couple of states might feel herself not properly evaluated or calculated. In respect to her right to challenge the results my campaign will contribute 247 lawyers and 827 million in cash to encourage an inquiry we don’t actually condone.”

Woman at Hartsdale Road and Loch Raven Boulevard 

“I’m a Democrat and I voted for Hillary but Jill was right on Clinton’s heels and 63 and a half million votes either way could have given us a Green President.”

Joe Patagonia, Owner of Whoosebot (a Chow Collie)

“I think we need a president who can sing. Or at least dance. I hope Trump hires some song writers or a choreographer instead of the same old speechwriters. Peggy Noonan just makes too  much sense and nobody wants that. Nothing in the entire world makes sense anymore so what is Peg talking about?”

Another Woman at Hartsdale and Loch Raven

“Why doesn’t Trump grab my bundle? Why does a perfectly healthy rich American celebrity order in skinny foreign bitches for wives? Somebody didn’t suck his dick in high school.”

Dick Hurtz D.D.S.

“Stein just can’t believe a woman couldn’t win it this time and I’m with her. Hillary couldn’t overcome a caveman and a Communist? What do we need to change? The solar system?”

Jack Kack, mortician and squash player

“I can’t believe the parties and the media don’t get it. The losing party wins. Their voters stay upset and write checks and fill the bitchdrome while the supposed winners have to try to actually govern this mobacracy and build something out of the diarrhea they’ve been selling.”

Gertrude Slime, ?

“The White House Press Corps is afraid they’re going to lose their jobs to Twitter. Trump only has four words for you that he’ll be using for the next four years- we’re working on it.”

Chloe Towtown, graduate student and excessive masturbator

“Jill Stein definitely won. Hillary Clinton didn’t get any votes. She just got some anti-Trump votes. Donald Trump didn’t get any votes. He just got anti-Hillary votes. Jill is the only candidate who actually had voters vote for her. We can’t count the negative votes. Besides, there’s too many of them.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trump Says He Will Not Pardon Turkeys

As a part of his hard on fowl policy, President Elect Trump claims that he will not pardon turkeys  when Thanksgiving approaches once he is in office. “President Obama has no problem throwing another bird on the farm welfare system but when I take office it will be the oven for all gobblers.”

Citing the deep sadness he experienced when he first encountered starving Harvard students, Trump swore that he would leave no drumstick unturned until every fattened bird was roasted on the third Thursday of November. 

The “original illegal aliens” as the President Elect refers to Native Americans, Trump holds responsible for bringing the bird from the Middle East to the Americas. “This continent was a clean continent before the Indians brought that Muslim bird here from the Ottoman Empire. This land was a paradise before they came here with their credit default swaps and pay day loans.”

Though the President Elect doesn’t blame the birds for the complete collapse of our entire economy and society he points out that their flesh was the second largest contributor to the white meat mania of just a decade ago. “Both the right wing and liberal press constantly accused me of supporting White Meat Supremacy during my campaign. I eat red meat and yellow, hot dogs are terra-cotta, blue fish, grey octopus and barbecue black. I’m multi-carnivore. Tell all the animals. You come here. We’ll eat you. It’s not a problem.”

Pressed by the press the President Elect confessed that the only turkey he would consider pardoning would be Hillary Clinton.

Happy T Bird Day

Don Arrup

Satire1

The Last Poll

Democrats over 40

1) Elizabeth Warren

2) George Clooney 

3) Michelle Obama

4) Bernie Sanders

5) Stalin

6) Satan

7) Hillary Clinton

Republicans over 40

1) Ted Cruz

2) Peggy Noonan

3) Jesus Christ

4) Newt Gingrich

5) Adolf Hitler

6) Paul Ryan

7) Donald J Trump

8) Sarah Palin

Democrats under 40

1) Bernie Sanders

2) Justin Bieber

3) Bernie Sanders

4) Elizabeth Warren

5) Jane O’Meara Sanders

6) Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg

7) Batman

Republicans under 40

1) Paul Ryan

2) Alexander Hamilton

3) Pope Francis

4) Hillary Clinton

5) Adam Smith

6) Abraham Lincoln

7) Donald J Trump

Vote

Don Arrup

Satire1