2018 Explained

The Wall. Again. Wall of words and images on both sides.

Wildfire. Worst ever. Let’s hope it stays the record.

How do you judge a judge? In 2018- still party lines. 

Every donkey in the barn wants to take on the jackass in 2020.

Forty two thousand workers could receive a pay freeze if they ever get paid. 

  

Peace with North Korea! Whatever that means.

Amazon eats Whole Foods and North America.

Naked need at the border and caravans- whose fault? See The Wall.

Trade War! Amazon vs Ali Baba. They’ll both win. We’ll all lose.

Britain can’t get out of Merkel’s pants. Merkel can’t crawl out of Europe’s ass.

It’s spelled Brexit. It’s pronounced Fuck it.

The Queen of Respect gets last and the Maverick joined her in August.

Saudis turn critic into lunch meat. Trump offers mustard.

Mama Pelosi takes over the House again answering the call for new leadership.

Think 2019 will be any better? 

It almost has to be.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Dear Uncle Samta 2018

Dear Uncle Samta,

My name is Billie and I am in a secret holding pen called Kansas because my parents are white and drink beer. Five days a week I’m marched out to an in doctor nation camp where we kids are made to sit and face an adult trying to make us employbal instead of enjoybal like we like.

In our cell house I have been tortured with broccoli and cauliflower and forced to eat cooked cows and things my dad drags out of the river when all I really need to grow and be strong is ice cream and chocolate.

The President of the United States eats only McDonald’s. The blond one and the blond one before him. The African man president had to eat the White House lawn because he made his wife mad. The blond one we have now makes his wife mad too but she knows he’ll get a new wife if she makes him mad. 

I asked my dad for a new pair of shoes and he said my genration wasn’t going anywhere so why do I need shoes. I asked my mom for new pants and she said no one could pull their pants up while the market is down but grandpa has pants up to his chin.

So here’s my list so you don’t have to guess.

I wants all children to be with their parents unless the parents wear oxycotton.

I wants all billion-zillionaires to pay taxes both the red ones and the blue.

All kids get bikes. If a kid doesn’t have shoes then get him shoes this year and you can get them a bike next year.

I want all kids with no parents to get at least one. Lots of mans and ladies want a kid but they only want new ones. Don’t leave any kids on the shelf.

I want every family that lost their house to fire or a really big wave- you get them a house. Sometimes family means an old lady with cats or an old man with a dog. 

I wants the bald stupid head that writes this doody to thank his readers and wish them happy holidays.

Don Arrup

Satire1

No Thanks Giving 18

Thanksgiving in Paradise, CA

Followed by Charred Friday

Campfire Girls look burned out

China, jealous of the publicity, declares it will construct its own Hell

Facebook founder Zuckerboard admits under oath that FB is a virtual Hell

And Amazon is its boiler room

In devastated areas around the globe including California and D.C. only bitcoins are honored. In every language they call it fire money. Men from Mars would take it. American greenbacks, gold and diamonds go in the recycle can.

“Everybody knows bitcoins are worthless. That’s why they’re so valuable.”

You can’t feel the crack of your ass because you don’t feel the crack of your ass daily. It has a little extra pigment and you treat it like an immigrant. It’s the liaison with our legs- which we treat like slaves. How often do you do what your legs want to do? And I’m not talking about sitting down. Legs like standing or stretching out. Your legs like to do a lot of things. They like to dance. They like to be rubbed. Squeezed if its a religious holiday. Spanked if it’s a national.

Unclench your rectum. Un-fist your sphincter. Go out and practice our American religion. Spend.

You need more shit! Shit is what makes us feel alive. Buy shit. Talk shit. Walk shit. You’re legs will thank you for it. 

The line at the register is waiting for you. The future is cha-ching. Fires raced over California and now we are the wildfire. The wildfire of consumerism. 

I need a doughnut.

Happy Fat Bird Weekend

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Stan and Sara Lee R.I.P.

Marvel Comics genius Stan Lee and his billionaire baker wife Sara Lee passed away in their Los Angeles home Monday. Medical examiners have determined that the cause in both cases was death. 

“From the contents of their refrigerator I’d say it was either someone’s birthday everyday” said family physician Doctor Strange, “or somebody liked cake.”

The couple’s cardiologist, Doctor Doom, painted a less upbeat appraisal of their demise. “They were both in their mid 90’s and they ate like teenagers.”

Satire1 having grown tired of the endless stream of appraisals from comic aficionados and pop culture critics has sought out comments from the characters Stan and Sara created.

“I haven’t felt incredible once since hearing the news of Stan’s passing, said The Hulk. “The Thing is inconsolable. I’ve knocked on his rock for days and he won’t come out from under it.”

“I’m rusting with tears at Stan and Sara’s passing,” added Iron Man. “ And it’s not like you’re going to loosen me up with a couple of squirts from an oil can like that floozie Tin Man.”

“The news knocked me right off my board,” said Silver Surfer. “I was just an extra getting blasted by death beams or swallowed by mechanical mega-sharks in Aquaman over at DC when Stan offered me my own comic if I made the jump to Marvel.”

“I couldn’t catch anything in my web until Stan tied me up with Marvel and spread me over the globe,” said Black Widow (no relation to Spider Man). “I was living on flies until he gave me a break.”

“I was dying of undiagnosed Diabesity and didn’t even know it,” said All Butter Pound Cake. “Sara Lee standardized me and I’ve been going strong since Hitler and the caves.”

“Everyone avoided me like I was a black cat on Friday 13,” said Black Panther. “Then Stan fixed me up with Marvel and the rest is Hollywood.”

“The New York Mets would have never given me a tryout if I didn’t already have my own comic book,” said Thor. “Stan really helped me out but I wish he would have made me less injury prone.”

“I was always considered the gay dessert until Mrs. Lee took me in,” said Banana Cream Pie. “Since then I’ve been welcome in Christian homes across the Midwest and South. I’ve even been served at church functions!” 

 Professor X and Pepper Potts held a separate memorial for the creations of the Lees in Downtown Los Angeles if there is such a place Friday morning.

“Nobody appears able to get a hold of Spider Man since Stan died,” the Professor said.

“Peter Parker was an orphan raised by a nymphomaniac and a rice merchant,” said Pepper Potts. “And when Stan found rice in Sara’s hair...”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Confederate Ghosts Trying To Tip Midterm Elections

The poltergeists of Confederate heroes were videotaped returning monuments that honored their sacrifice back on their pedestals on campuses and in parks throughout the south Tuesday night. Authorities assumed that since it was the eve of Halloween and celebrated as Moving, Mischief or Devil’s Night  that it was just fraternity pledges in costume performing initiation rights. 

Hours later, police, campus security and park officials across Dixie reported that not only were the statues firmly reestablished but that they were inexplicably flatulent- even to the point of being lethal.

Satire1 interviewed witnesses, ghostbusters, paranormal psychologists, spouses of the extremely flatulent and other survivors of second hand flatulence. Their names have been withheld to protect the innocent.

“The horses are the worst and every officer in grey has a horse.”

“Murder by methane.”

“It’s phantasm fracking for Christ’s sake!”

“Armies ran on beans in those days.”

“Another attempt at voter suppression.”

“The dead have always voted in the south but I can’t recall them ever protesting before.”

“These are statues. They were never alive so they can’t ever be dead.”

“The Confederate statues have risen to fight off the Caravan of Hispanic zombies coming up through Mexico.”

“The Republican Party is funding this.”

“I don’t see Robert E. Lee favoring the Party of Lincoln.”

“Stonewall Jackson now is a stone wall where all the illegals waiting for day work hang out and piss on him.”

“If I was a statue I’d have just one word for my readers:”

VOTE

(why miss out on all the madness?)

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Halloween Hateteen

Fox News Horror Movie Lineup

9pm    Caravan!

12am   Another Caravan!

2am     Night of the High Voter Turnout

3am     Honey, We Lost The House

5am     Special Prosecutor

Telemundo’s Noche De Muertos 

7pm    Trump

9pm    Trump

12am   Trump

2am     Donald

4am     Trump

Turner Classic Movie Channel’s Transgender Terror-a-thon

8pm     Don’t Go To The Bathroom

10pm   The Thing With Two Genders

12am    The Man From The Planet XX

2am      My Name is Betty

WE TV (formerly Women’s Entertainment) Scream Schedule

8pm      A Date With Kavanaugh

10pm    Get Out of my Womb!

12am     Previous Conditions

MSNBC

8pm     Voter Fraud Fiend

10pm    The Supreme Court Justice Who Wouldn’t Die

12am     Right Wing Radio

2am       Reproduction Wrongs

Christian Television Network Devil’s Night

4pm      You Can’t Have My Cake!

7pm      Shadow Of The Fetus

9pm      Gasoline Tax

11pm    Andy Griffith Might Have Been Gay

Don Arrup

Satire1

Heaven Can't Wait 4- The Golden Castle

(John McCain climbs to the summit of Mount Olympus and crawls to the entrance of a huge gold building.)

McCain

I was expecting gates. Pearly ones. I can’t quite make out the sign-

(Enter Donald)

Donald

Trump Afterlife. My latest and favorite creation. Isn’t it magnificent?

McCain

They let you build up here?

Donald

Let? Are you kidding me? They begged me to build up here. The whole of heaven cries out for development. The only trouble is the people with the funds never seem to make it up this far.

McCain

I’m surprised to see you up here.

Donald 

Why? Because I’m not dead?

McCain

It is easier for a camel to slip through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Donald

Yeah, Jesus said that before heaven became a democracy and capitalism conquered the universe. And guess what? Jesus isn’t here!

McCain

I can believe that. 

Donald

Nobody likes to talk about it but I’m sure he had his reasons. Probably got bored. They didn’t even have a golf course up here until I took over. But it’s murder trying to grow grass on clouds. 

McCain

Are you making money on this one?

Donald

Not really. I can charge anything I like but dead people don’t have any money.

McCain

You can’t take it with you.

Donald

So this development is more of a prestige thing. Even without Jesus.

McCain

Even Heaven is a tax haven. Probably best. It might not go over too well with your Southern and Midwestern voters if you were Jesus’ landlord.

Donald

He’s a nice guy but his followers won’t let him alone. Poor guy can’t even get his birthday off. No wonder he moved back in with his mother. 

McCain

That and housing prices. 

Donald

At least he doesn’t have any student loan or credit card debt.

McCain

Yeah, what we crucify millennials with back home. At least the banks can’t reach them here.

Donald

The banks have been foreclosing on debtors up here for years. 

McCain

I knew that. And then I wanted to forget it and I did.

Donald

Great men are great forgetters.

McCain

My wives say all men are great forgetters.

Donald

I have wives too.

McCain

Do you listen to them?

Donald

Have you ever listened to me?

McCain

Nobody listens unless they like what they hear.

Donald

So that’s what I tell them.

McCain

The things people will do to be listened to. 

Donald

I’m a deal maker. A salesman. Reality has no value in realty or in politics. If that is what you really believe then I’ll agree and run with it. 

McCain

Is this what the American people deserve?

Donald

Your problem John was that you were trying to educate the people on the issues. The American people don’t like that. They want somebody who sounds as pissed as they are and tells them it’s not their fault.

McCain

And then you tell them whose fault it is.

Donald

It’s the period at the end of the sentence. 

McCain

Does it matter to you who you accuse?

Donald

Of course not. Everybody’s guilty. We’re all hypocrites and liars. How can you possibly be in a relationship with anyone and not be a liar. It’s impossible. It’s impossible because we are all impossible. Impossible! Even I’m impossible.

McCain

Everything about you is impossible.

Donald

And yet here I am.

McCain

Why develop heaven if there’s never going to be a profit in it?

Donald

It’s the ultimate retirement community. No discrimination, no contracts, no segregation, no need for security, low maintenance, no taxes.

McCain

And every other property with your name-

Donald

Will be just a step away from heaven.

McCain

This isn’t what I’m looking for.

Donald

You don’t find what you want. It’s not out there. Even in this great, big, beautiful world. You know, the scientists don’t want to talk about it but in less than a generation the world could grow to be bigger than New York City.

McCain

Never happen.

Trump

You have to make what you want. Stop looking. Make the afterlife you want just like you made the life you wanted.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Fabrication Bureau of Investigation

There are still three days left in the Federal Bureau of Incrimination’s one week whack job on Supreme Court Justice nominee Kevin Kavanaw but some of the statements by people who knew Judge Kavity or guys just like him are proving problematic for the Republicans.

Satire1 compares Jug Kansasback’s statements under oath at the Senate Hearing with those provided by citizens who also attended high school, college or parties in the 1980’s in our never ending search for the truth.

Judge K

“I like beer.”

FALSE

The glass of clear liquid to the nominee’s right on the table during the hearing was either 100 proof vodka or 86 proof gin. JK infamously has not hydrated himself with water since high school because “fish have relations in it.”

Judge K

“I was a virgin in high school and college and didn’t lose my virginity to my wife until after our second child was born.”

PENDING

Family physicians and even his urologist can not definitively determine virginity in former high school football players since coitus and tackling so closely approximate each other.

JK

“I kept a calendar that I used to track team practices, charity work and circle jerks. I got the idea from my father who kept a hybrid calendar/dairy of his  business meetings and marital consummation schedule.”

TRUE BUT INCOMPLETE

JK’s closest high school buddies said that while the school’s athletic teams and their church’s boy scout troop used circle jerks for bonding and insomnia relief JK would at a minimum have had to keep a date book with fifteen minute increments to keep track of his masturbation habit.

JK

“The Devil’s Triangle reference in my yearbook is a drinking game. The rules are the exact same as Menage A Trois except you drink beer instead of wine.”

REALLY?

What do you drink in Threesome? Mare’s Milk?

JK

“My yearbook reference to my membership in the Boinked Betty Boszer Brotherhood refers to my circle of guys who shared a pen pal in Guatemala in our junior year. Apparently, boink is a Central American phrase that means praise. We were all very fond of her until she, her whole family and her entire circle of friends were entombed in molten lava from a volcano that drank beer.”

SUSPECT

I could use that kind of praise. 

JK

“I don’t recall ever blacking out and have no recollection of ever passing out until I attended Yale where the year 1984 never seemed to have taken place.”

CORRECT 

Since consciousness is by definition lost when one black’s out and often accompanies passing out as well recollection is not available. Historians guess that since there are absolutely no records of the year 1984 anywhere that Big Brother must have been successful in his memory erasure campaign.

JK

“My best friend in high school’s last name is Judge and it is all a part of the deep state conspiracy to establish and maintain an all Catholic/Jewish court as a prelude to a fascist theocratic takeover of the government to be jointly run by Israel and the Vatican.”

TRUE BUT INCOMPLETE

The federal government of the United States has been a fascist theocratic state run jointly by Israel and the Vatican through the country’s premier Protestant divinity schools which we refer to as the Ivy League. All members of the Supreme Court are either practicing Catholics or Jews and all received their indoctrination at Ivy League law schools. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Heaven Can't Wait 3- Hanoi Hellton

(A cave skillet. Red glow that casts no shadow. Silence. Enter Lieutenant Commander Juan McCain with both arms splinted and bandaged, one bony crutch steps in for the lifeless left leg. No blood. Just white tape a violent pink in the ruby light.)

McCain

And here I wanted to be young again.

(A short, thin, Southeast Asian man with a narrow heart shaped face and long grey wisp beard dressed in grey pajamas meets McCain mid-oblivion.)

Uncle Ho

The Vietnamese people have an expression for that.

McCain

Don’t go there?

Uncle Ho

Can’t go there. 

McCain

At least my way allows for the option.

Uncle Ho

Whether to go with reality or a memory of a delusion that you got wise to and now miss? 

McCain

Like youth?

Uncle Ho

All the children here when you were here grew up in war. 

McCain

And I grew up here. I sincerely hope that the people of the United States and the people of the Democratic Republic of Vietnam-

Uncle Ho

The people. But you and I did not die as part of the people. We chose to command.

McCain

I represented and I tried for command. Didn’t get there. 

Uncle Ho

I ran our revolution when we were in the bush but by the time you Americans came I was a figurehead. 

McCain

Uncle Ho.

Uncle Ho

Comrade McCain, didn’t you find what you were looking for the last time returned?

McCain 

Last time I was looking for what I thought I had lost of myself. 

Uncle Ho

And now?

McCain

I’m looking for what I thought America had lost.

Uncle Ho

Thought lost but you don’t think so now?

McCain

The war divided our nation.

Uncle Ho

And kept my nation divided.

McCain

Maybe America’s was earlier - like the Civil Rights movement.

Uncle Ho

Which was just a later battle in your civil war that has never ended.

McCain

Reconstruction. Jim Crow.

Uncle Ho

Civil Rights, Affirmative tokenism, Black Lives Matter.

McCain

What about Obama?

Uncle Ho

Last straw of Affirmative tokenism.

McCain

Yeah, another Harvard Law School genius with a white mother. 

Uncle Ho

Versus another Academy hotshot with an admiral father.

McCain

And grandpa. I was the better senator.

Uncle Ho

It wasn’t about that. It never is. They kept me around because I was still the face of change. 

McCain

I couldn’t close the divide either. Obama was right. The government can’t close the divide. Only the people can bring themselves together.

  

Uncle Ho

You know I’ve always been a big fan of the United States. 

McCain

So I’ve read. 

Uncle Ho

It broke my heart when Eisenhower supplied the French after promising us that our country would be ours again after the Japanese were driven out.  

McCain

The Cold War was all fear. Nobody wanted to win. What was there to win? My party claims that during George H’s tenure the Cold War was won? Won how? The Berlin Wall which never worked in the first place was pulled down. The hats and name tags change and some adjustments to the pecking order and what have we got? Russia and China in our face again and they’re more dangerous than ever and we’re more dependent. And we say we won that cold one?

Uncle Ho

The second you assholes left we had China muscling in.

McCain

You had a straight out border war.

Uncle Ho

They’re too big to forgive or bargain with. My country is my pussy. Push into it an inch and I’m cutting your whole fucking tiny dick off. 

McCain

I thought China was nuts. 

Uncle Ho

I’ll cut those off too.

McCain

That’ll change China’s voice but it won’t change their tune.

Uncle Ho

It’s what power does to big dogs.

McCain

How did you bring Vietnam back together?

Uncle Ho

I didn’t. You were not driven out until seven years after my death.

McCain

When I was alive I thought that wars ended.

Uncle Ho

When you’re alive you have to believe in life. 

McCain

And what do you believe in if you’re dead?

Uncle Ho

Peace.

McCain

I’m dead and I don’t believe in peace.

Uncle Ho

The United States of America has no peace to offer at this time.

McCain

I failed.

Uncle Ho

Obama was right. The government can’t close the divide. Only the people can bring themselves together. 

McCain

Now I know why they call you Uncle Ho.

Don Arrup

Satire1