(Scene: The White House Barber Shop. Kim Jong-Un and Xing Jinping in their red tunics sharpen their razors in unison by their chairs. Kim starts to go faster. Xing stops and watches him.)
Xing
You’re not shaving a pumpkin.
Kim
It will be a pumpkin before I am through.
Xing
I can’t afford to be so reckless. You, you just rent that chair. If you had a stick of furniture in that cave you live in you’d play by the rules.
Kim
Nobody argues with a razor at their throat.
Xing
One day a customer is going to come in here with his own razor.
Kim
It’s the eclipse today. Everybody will come in for at least a shave.
Xing
But you’re planning to give them a haircut too.
Kim
Why have scissors if you don’t want to clip?
Xing
You think the whole world is a clip joint. It took me and my predecessors a lot of hard work and years to get this spot. We only do business with the big boys here.
Kim
Your Maother left you a fortune. My dad left me a rock and a handful of rockets.
Xing
We’re dealing with Americans here. Get a leggy manicurist with cleavage and talk to the heads about sports while you cut their hair. She takes their eyes. You take their ears. And you’ve got their wallet.
Kim
I’m not bringing my sister into this shop for your customers to gawk at.
Xing
So steal another Japanese actress.
Kim
A lot of people in my cave are hungry.
Xing
Patience is our trump card.
Kim
I thought Trump was our trump card.
Xing
Trump’s impatience is our trump card. He’s even more impatient than the other Americans.
Kim
But Trump is much bolder so I must be bolder still.
Xing
That sounds safe.
Kim
Let the haircuts begin.
Trump (from without)
You Secret Sweethearts take a break. Here’s a few Franklins. Get yourselves some Cherry Cokes and a pizza. Great job keeping me alive. I’ll be done in an hour.
Xing
I’ll take Big Don.
Kim
You wish. Don’s always open to a new deal.
Xing
It’s his house so he doesn’t pay. Did you bring your lunch with you? You don’t have enough coins in your pocket for the candy machine.
Kim
I’ll bum a cigarette.
Trump (Entering)
Ping Pong. Rocket Man. How are my favorite Italians?
Xing
Happy to see our favorite customer.
Kim
Fuck you.
Trump
My alma mater. Class of 69.
Xing
I have my best chair all ready for you.
Trump
Sounds great, Ping.
Kim
You wouldn’t dare sit in my chair.
Trump
Why not?
Kim
I got it from a Mexican barber shop.
Xing
And he sits everyone in that chair. Even Muslims.
Kim
Menstruating women and Democrats.
Trump
They’re the same thing. Watch my ass. In coming.
Xing
But Don, you’re the only one I let use this chair. It is the Emperor’s throne.
Trump
I’m slumming today. So, Rocket Man, do you have a nymphomanicuritst?
Kim
Where I come from everyone’s biting their nails.
Xing
They’re not alone.
Trump
Okay. We’ll just keep it to personal grooming today.
Xing
Aren’t you going to ask Mr. Trump how he wants his hair done?
Kim
That’s his business. I’m taking it right down to the bone. Give him his money’s worth.
Trump
With me everything’s a close shave but I only want a little off the top.
Kim
How much is a little?
Trump
Why are you looking at my hands?
Obama (Entering in basketball shorts and T)
Hey everybody. Ping Pong and Un Yun, my favorite Irishmen. Big D, how’s it hanging?
Trump
The big trunks in Congress are throwing a hissy fit because I’m enforcing the law.
Obama
And they called my ears big and I can’t hear a thing.
Xing
You don’t listen.
Obama
This is Washington. Nobody listens here. But Don, my party did the same thing to me. If Congress had the balls to pass legislation they’d be stuck with the blame.
Xing
What is the issue?
Trump
Every issue.
(A woman of color with toddler in tow knocks at open shop door)
Madre
Perdon. Perdon, seniors. Do you cut ninos hair?
Xing
If you’re an American, we’ll clip you.
Madre
How about me? Do you have a girl who does senora’s hair?
Trump
Leave the boy here. We’ll see he gets cut.
Madre
But where do I go?
Trump
Security!
(Two Security Sweethearts in black suits and mirrored sunglasses and grab Madre and yank her out.)
Obama
Probably looking for a free hairdo.
(Elder Bush H rolls in in a wheelchair)
Bush H
Where were they taking that mother?
Obama
She’s a woman. Not a mother.
Trump
She’s a criminal. Not a parent.
Xing
She is no more nor no less what we all are in the aggregate. She is a number.
Kim
Why do Americans pretend that they are not just numbers? Age. Income. Net worth. Tax.
Obama
I can remember when race on every application was six boxes and I was only supposed to check one.
Trump
And “White” was number 5.
Obama
Followed by “Other” at box six.
All
Box Six.
Xing
Get it down to two. Or just admit it. You’re already down to two
Kim
Live or die?
Trump
American or alien,
Obama
American or other.
Trump
And the other is a mother.
Bush H
If you have a kid you have a mother. If she isn’t in the picture then she’s huge. Godzilla.
Trump
We don’t even take care of our own children.
Obama
Amen.
Bush H
Mazilla. Not God. Momzilla.
Trump
If she was a good mother she’d be the First Lady.
Obama
Not my First Lady.
George H
I was married to Barbara...
Trump
Half the countries below our belt are collapsing. If even a tenth of their people climb into our boat we’re sunk.
Obama
Michelle and I have a boat. Michelle’s a good sailor.
Trump
I thought you said Michelle was a good mother.
Obama
I said she was a good lawyer.
Trump
Mothers are so last millennium. You want to get your kid into a good school or a great country you have got a be a good lawyer.
Bush H
The child is crying.
Trump
He’s afraid we’ll hand him back to that woman.
Obama
God, did any of you spend even a minute raising your children? The child is obviously crying for his lawyer.
Trump
Well, Harvard Review, you’re not working these days.
Obama
I’ve got enough enemies already.
Trump
My people are long over hating you. And there aren’t enough years left in the century to finish bashing Hillary.
Xing
Putin’s girlfriend.
Kim
Who gives the blow jobs?
Xing
That’s Monica. Former First Mistress.
Kim
She should do the bargaining with North Korea.
Obama
I agree. They’re tired of seeing fat white guys with the same proposals.
Kim
She could start on her knees and work her way onto her back from there.
Trump
Typical State Department procedure.
Obama
I was spread eagle over the entire Middle East. You see what the results are.
George H
Has Congress passed legislation against Mexicans using pennies yet?
Xing
They’re still debating it.
Obama
Depends on how the Trade War with China and NAFTA renegotiations play out.
Trump
I think only African Americans should be able to use pennies. I think Old Abe would have liked it that way. All other people of color will round up.
Obama
You mean you’ll round up all the other people of color.
Kim
I could live here.
Trump
I didn’t say that but I might use it at a rally.
George H
Is that the razor you’re going to shave the president with?
Kim
It’s sharp.
George H
Looks like you got it off a guillotine.
Xing
It’s practically midterms.
Don Arrup
Satire1BARBERSWAMP 2- BOX 6
(Scene: The White House Barber Shop. Kim Jong-Un and Xing Jinping in their red tunics sharpen their razors in unison by their chairs. Kim starts to go faster. Xing stops and watches him.)
Xing
You’re not shaving a pumpkin.
Kim
It will be a pumpkin before I am through.
Xing
I can’t afford to be so reckless. You, you just rent that chair. If you had a stick of furniture in that cave you live in you’d play by the rules.
Kim
Nobody argues with a razor at their throat.
Xing
One day a customer is going to come in here with his own razor.
Kim
It’s the eclipse today. Everybody will come in for at least a shave.
Xing
But you’re planning to give them a haircut too.
Kim
Why have scissors if you don’t want to clip?
Xing
You think the whole world is a clip joint. It took me and my predecessors a lot of hard work and years to get this spot. We only do business with the big boys here.
Kim
Your Maother left you a fortune. My dad left me a rock and a handful of rockets.
Xing
We’re dealing with Americans here. Get a leggy manicurist with cleavage and talk to the heads about sports while you cut their hair. She takes their eyes. You take their ears. And you’ve got their wallet.
Kim
I’m not bringing my sister into this shop for your customers to gawk at.
Xing
So steal another Japanese actress.
Kim
A lot of people in my cave are hungry.
Xing
Patience is our trump card.
Kim
I thought Trump was our trump card.
Xing
Trump’s impatience is our trump card. He’s even more impatient than the other Americans.
Kim
But Trump is much bolder so I must be bolder still.
Xing
That sounds safe.
Kim
Let the haircuts begin.
Trump (from without)
You Secret Sweethearts take a break. Here’s a few Franklins. Get yourselves some Cherry Cokes and a pizza. Great job keeping me alive. I’ll be done in an hour.
Xing
I’ll take Big Don.
Kim
You wish. Don’s always open to a new deal.
Xing
It’s his house so he doesn’t pay. Did you bring your lunch with you? You don’t have enough coins in your pocket for the candy machine.
Kim
I’ll bum a cigarette.
Trump (Entering)
Ping Pong. Rocket Man. How are my favorite Italians?
Xing
Happy to see our favorite customer.
Kim
Fuck you.
Trump
My alma mater. Class of 69.
Xing
I have my best chair all ready for you.
Trump
Sounds great, Ping.
Kim
You wouldn’t dare sit in my chair.
Trump
Why not?
Kim
I got it from a Mexican barber shop.
Xing
And he sits everyone in that chair. Even Muslims.
Kim
Menstruating women and Democrats.
Trump
They’re the same thing. Watch my ass. In coming.
Xing
But Don, you’re the only one I let use this chair. It is the Emperor’s throne.
Trump
I’m slumming today. So, Rocket Man, do you have a nymphomanicuritst?
Kim
Where I come from everyone’s biting their nails.
Xing
They’re not alone.
Trump
Okay. We’ll just keep it to personal grooming today.
Xing
Aren’t you going to ask Mr. Trump how he wants his hair done?
Kim
That’s his business. I’m taking it right down to the bone. Give him his money’s worth.
Trump
With me everything’s a close shave but I only want a little off the top.
Kim
How much is a little?
Trump
Why are you looking at my hands?
Obama (Entering in basketball shorts and T)
Hey everybody. Ping Pong and Un Yun, my favorite Irishmen. Big D, how’s it hanging?
Trump
The big trunks in Congress are throwing a hissy fit because I’m enforcing the law.
Obama
And they called my ears big and I can’t hear a thing.
Xing
You don’t listen.
Obama
This is Washington. Nobody listens here. But Don, my party did the same thing to me. If Congress had the balls to pass legislation they’d be stuck with the blame.
Xing
What is the issue?
Trump
Every issue.
(A woman of color with toddler in tow knocks at open shop door)
Madre
Perdon. Perdon, seniors. Do you cut ninos hair?
Xing
If you’re an American, we’ll clip you.
Madre
How about me? Do you have a girl who does senora’s hair?
Trump
Leave the boy here. We’ll see he gets cut.
Madre
But where do I go?
Trump
Security!
(Two Security Sweethearts in black suits and mirrored sunglasses and grab Madre and yank her out.)
Obama
Probably looking for a free hairdo.
(Elder Bush H rolls in in a wheelchair)
Bush H
Where were they taking that mother?
Obama
She’s a woman. Not a mother.
Trump
She’s a criminal. Not a parent.
Xing
She is no more nor no less what we all are in the aggregate. She is a number.
Kim
Why do Americans pretend that they are not just numbers? Age. Income. Net worth. Tax.
Obama
I can remember when race on every application was six boxes and I was only supposed to check one.
Trump
And “White” was number 5.
Obama
Followed by “Other” at box six.
All
Box Six.
Xing
Get it down to two. Or just admit it. You’re already down to two
Kim
Live or die?
Trump
American or alien,
Obama
American or other.
Trump
And the other is a mother.
Bush H
If you have a kid you have a mother. If she isn’t in the picture then she’s huge. Godzilla.
Trump
We don’t even take care of our own children.
Obama
Amen.
Bush H
Mazilla. Not God. Momzilla.
Trump
If she was a good mother she’d be the First Lady.
Obama
Not my First Lady.
George H
I was married to Barbara...
Trump
Half the countries below our belt are collapsing. If even a tenth of their people climb into our boat we’re sunk.
Obama
Michelle and I have a boat. Michelle’s a good sailor.
Trump
I thought you said Michelle was a good mother.
Obama
I said she was a good lawyer.
Trump
Mothers are so last millennium. You want to get your kid into a good school or a great country you have got a be a good lawyer.
Bush H
The child is crying.
Trump
He’s afraid we’ll hand him back to that woman.
Obama
God, did any of you spend even a minute raising your children? The child is obviously crying for his lawyer.
Trump
Well, Harvard Review, you’re not working these days.
Obama
I’ve got enough enemies already.
Trump
My people are long over hating you. And there aren’t enough years left in the century to finish bashing Hillary.
Xing
Putin’s girlfriend.
Kim
Who gives the blow jobs?
Xing
That’s Monica. Former First Mistress.
Kim
She should do the bargaining with North Korea.
Obama
I agree. They’re tired of seeing fat white guys with the same proposals.
Kim
She could start on her knees and work her way onto her back from there.
Trump
Typical State Department procedure.
Obama
I was spread eagle over the entire Middle East. You see what the results are.
George H
Has Congress passed legislation against Mexicans using pennies yet?
Xing
They’re still debating it.
Obama
Depends on how the Trade War with China and NAFTA renegotiations play out.
Trump
I think only African Americans should be able to use pennies. I think Old Abe would have liked it that way. All other people of color will round up.
Obama
You mean you’ll round up all the other people of color.
Kim
I could live here.
Trump
I didn’t say that but I might use it at a rally.
George H
Is that the razor you’re going to shave the president with?
Kim
It’s sharp.
George H
Looks like you got it off a guillotine.
Xing
It’s practically midterms.
Don Arrup
Satire1
