Heaven Can't Wait

John McCain walks over the cloud to the Seventh Gate and is about to enter when a rather imposing Muslim angel steps in his way.

Ridwan

Pardon me, can I help you?

McCain

I just wanted to look over your Jahananone or Janahun. I’m new to the afterlife and need a bunk.

Ridwan

You don’t mean Jahannam, do you?

McCain

Something like that. 

Ridwan

That’s Muslim hell. This is Jannah where the righteous find their reward.

McCain

This is the place.

Ridwan

Do you know who I am?

McCain

Are you Mohamed?

Ridwan

No, but that’s a good guess since every other Islamic male shares the Prophet’s name. I am Ridwan, the angel in charge here.

McCain

Oh, so you’re the CO. Good. I’m not exactly what you would call a Muslim-

Ridwan

You’re not exactly what anyone would call a Muslim.

McCain

I believe in one god, was a warrior-

Ridwan

Did you die in battle? If you were fighting for Islam when you died I have 72 black eyed virgins for you.

McCain

I was in conflict with President Trump.

Ridwan

In that case I have 720 black eyed virgins for you.

McCain

That’s too many birthdays to remember and my wife’s still alive. I’m really just looking for a bunk.

Ridwan

You don’t have to have lived as a Muslim to enter the gates of Jannah. You obviously lived a righteous life or you would not have been able to find us but you will have to accept Mohamed as your Prophet.

McCain

I respect the Prophet Mohamed but am more a follower of Jesus of Annapolis. 

Ridwan

Navy man.

McCain

Class of 58.

Ridwan

Beat Army.

McCain 

Last game of the regular college football season.

Ridwan

I think we can fix you up a bunk for the night. You can search for your heaven tomorrow.

McCain

I wish I voted against the second Iraq War.

Ridwan

Sure you don’t want a black eyed virgin or two? Just to keep the bunk... friendly?

McCain

My wife and my ex are both still down there. I’m walking on thin cloud here. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Seeing Red

As the Red Planet closes in on ours, the closest it has been for fifteen years, scientists have discovered that Mars does in fact have both water and life prompting President Trump to declare a state of emergency and full alert of our armed forces.

“There is no global warming from fossil fuels. The weather is fucked because Mars has been stealing our water under the last two Democratic Administrations,” the president explained. “Martian Mexican gangs poured into our atmosphere under the Clinton and Obama Administrations and began siphoning off our fresh water to breed millions of green balloon heads which will invade and overwhelm our social safety net.”

When reporters requested photographs and other evidence of the invasion President Trump was quick to point out: “I’m from New York City and you can’t walk four blocks on Broadway without seeing people from other planets.”

Congressional Democrats stood on the steps of the Capitol with water bottles claiming that the threat was overblown and that Mars has been redirecting rivers and streams into the stratosphere under both Republican and Democratic Administrations.

“Trump is just trying to redefine the Red Menace as Russia prepares to replace Congress with KGB clones and hardware salesmen,” said Elizabeth Warren who President Trump has accused of being from Venus. “And I have sworn statements from over a dozen female and gemale Martians- they have four sexes there- that President Trump in the late 1990’s groped them though I’m still not clear what they have to grope.”

President Trump was quick to Tweet: With Mars not even 36 million miles away- practically on top of us- Pocahontas shamelessly inviting every extraterrestrial over her place- I’m telling you, just visit her Senate office, it looks like the bar in the first Star Wars movie- at least the Playmates and porn stars I screw are human- Pocahontas making her boudoir the landing pad for the all the water stealing, welfare check cashing green balloon headed Mexican Martians and she is accusing me of space rape.

A debate continues to rage in the Society of Astronomers and Star Freaks as to whether Mars originally stole water from us or we from them. The president, however, harbored no doubts. “My pal Vlad was the first to warn me that Mars was stealing our water. The Europeans wouldn’t say anything because they owe Mars money and the Chinese sell them their prisoners to be served as hors d’oeuvres.”

Don Arrup

Satire1