No Thanks Giving 18

Thanksgiving in Paradise, CA

Followed by Charred Friday

Campfire Girls look burned out

China, jealous of the publicity, declares it will construct its own Hell

Facebook founder Zuckerboard admits under oath that FB is a virtual Hell

And Amazon is its boiler room

In devastated areas around the globe including California and D.C. only bitcoins are honored. In every language they call it fire money. Men from Mars would take it. American greenbacks, gold and diamonds go in the recycle can.

“Everybody knows bitcoins are worthless. That’s why they’re so valuable.”

You can’t feel the crack of your ass because you don’t feel the crack of your ass daily. It has a little extra pigment and you treat it like an immigrant. It’s the liaison with our legs- which we treat like slaves. How often do you do what your legs want to do? And I’m not talking about sitting down. Legs like standing or stretching out. Your legs like to do a lot of things. They like to dance. They like to be rubbed. Squeezed if its a religious holiday. Spanked if it’s a national.

Unclench your rectum. Un-fist your sphincter. Go out and practice our American religion. Spend.

You need more shit! Shit is what makes us feel alive. Buy shit. Talk shit. Walk shit. You’re legs will thank you for it. 

The line at the register is waiting for you. The future is cha-ching. Fires raced over California and now we are the wildfire. The wildfire of consumerism. 

I need a doughnut.

Happy Fat Bird Weekend

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Stan and Sara Lee R.I.P.

Marvel Comics genius Stan Lee and his billionaire baker wife Sara Lee passed away in their Los Angeles home Monday. Medical examiners have determined that the cause in both cases was death. 

“From the contents of their refrigerator I’d say it was either someone’s birthday everyday” said family physician Doctor Strange, “or somebody liked cake.”

The couple’s cardiologist, Doctor Doom, painted a less upbeat appraisal of their demise. “They were both in their mid 90’s and they ate like teenagers.”

Satire1 having grown tired of the endless stream of appraisals from comic aficionados and pop culture critics has sought out comments from the characters Stan and Sara created.

“I haven’t felt incredible once since hearing the news of Stan’s passing, said The Hulk. “The Thing is inconsolable. I’ve knocked on his rock for days and he won’t come out from under it.”

“I’m rusting with tears at Stan and Sara’s passing,” added Iron Man. “ And it’s not like you’re going to loosen me up with a couple of squirts from an oil can like that floozie Tin Man.”

“The news knocked me right off my board,” said Silver Surfer. “I was just an extra getting blasted by death beams or swallowed by mechanical mega-sharks in Aquaman over at DC when Stan offered me my own comic if I made the jump to Marvel.”

“I couldn’t catch anything in my web until Stan tied me up with Marvel and spread me over the globe,” said Black Widow (no relation to Spider Man). “I was living on flies until he gave me a break.”

“I was dying of undiagnosed Diabesity and didn’t even know it,” said All Butter Pound Cake. “Sara Lee standardized me and I’ve been going strong since Hitler and the caves.”

“Everyone avoided me like I was a black cat on Friday 13,” said Black Panther. “Then Stan fixed me up with Marvel and the rest is Hollywood.”

“The New York Mets would have never given me a tryout if I didn’t already have my own comic book,” said Thor. “Stan really helped me out but I wish he would have made me less injury prone.”

“I was always considered the gay dessert until Mrs. Lee took me in,” said Banana Cream Pie. “Since then I’ve been welcome in Christian homes across the Midwest and South. I’ve even been served at church functions!” 

 Professor X and Pepper Potts held a separate memorial for the creations of the Lees in Downtown Los Angeles if there is such a place Friday morning.

“Nobody appears able to get a hold of Spider Man since Stan died,” the Professor said.

“Peter Parker was an orphan raised by a nymphomaniac and a rice merchant,” said Pepper Potts. “And when Stan found rice in Sara’s hair...”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Confederate Ghosts Trying To Tip Midterm Elections

The poltergeists of Confederate heroes were videotaped returning monuments that honored their sacrifice back on their pedestals on campuses and in parks throughout the south Tuesday night. Authorities assumed that since it was the eve of Halloween and celebrated as Moving, Mischief or Devil’s Night  that it was just fraternity pledges in costume performing initiation rights. 

Hours later, police, campus security and park officials across Dixie reported that not only were the statues firmly reestablished but that they were inexplicably flatulent- even to the point of being lethal.

Satire1 interviewed witnesses, ghostbusters, paranormal psychologists, spouses of the extremely flatulent and other survivors of second hand flatulence. Their names have been withheld to protect the innocent.

“The horses are the worst and every officer in grey has a horse.”

“Murder by methane.”

“It’s phantasm fracking for Christ’s sake!”

“Armies ran on beans in those days.”

“Another attempt at voter suppression.”

“The dead have always voted in the south but I can’t recall them ever protesting before.”

“These are statues. They were never alive so they can’t ever be dead.”

“The Confederate statues have risen to fight off the Caravan of Hispanic zombies coming up through Mexico.”

“The Republican Party is funding this.”

“I don’t see Robert E. Lee favoring the Party of Lincoln.”

“Stonewall Jackson now is a stone wall where all the illegals waiting for day work hang out and piss on him.”

“If I was a statue I’d have just one word for my readers:”

VOTE

(why miss out on all the madness?)

Don Arrup

Satire1